suffering;there is no way to describe the nauseating misery that torments and suffocates oneself.
Sinking;I have become heavy with sorrow.
drowning;my lungs cannot hold air in them, for they have become weak.
starving;my stomach cannot bear to hold food, when it continuously churns with that love- sick feeling.
aching;every part of me is screaming as it dies, my heart is the loudest as each heart string burns away.
dying;numb I have become numb, and I cannot move nor feel emotion. I blur away into non-existence.A beautiful euphoria.
Your body pressed against mine.
Breath hot, panting against my neck.
Your rhythm speeds up, and your panting heavier now.
I dig them into to your skin and your hands wrap around my neck and
You lay still next to me, sweaty and catching your breath.
And I was only good for the moment.
You're fast asleep.
Like a melted puddle of cherry popsicle on hot asphalt; I want to lick you up. The sweet parts of you, and the ***** parts too.
I want to feel the grittiness between my teeth.
Give me the raw parts of you. The stayed up past 3 am parts of you. The I haven't combed my hair in days parts of you.
Like a breath of cold air in a Midwestern winter, let me breathe you in.
Let me absorb you like frozen snowflakes on my tongue.
Let me feel the warm parts of your heart, and the cold parts too.
I want to touch you, every inch of you.
Show me the scars, and the freckles on your skin.
Tell me the about the dark places of your head, and what keeps you up at night in bed.
I want your voice to fill my head, and to savor each word as it rolls off your sweet lips. A slight twang of an accent you don't notice, and don't know where you got it from.
But I do.
I notice. I notice every detail of your inches from head to toe. I notice your slight paranoia and the way you fix your hair.
I could observe you for an eternity and I wouldn't get bored.
I want you to eat me up inside.
I want you to leave a trace in every corner of my room.
I want my sheets to smell like you.
I want you to get to me.
And I want you to read this
on those nights you can't sleep.
I want it to get to you.
A Faded Blue Door
I used to feel so much.
Now I only feel the cold concrete beneath my feet.
As I stand on this quiet and empty street.
A house stands in front of me.
A home is what it used to be.
With its faded blue door which never did shut right.
Holes in the walls, where bricks used to be.
And standing in the yard an old cheery tree.
It used to be fruitful, now withered and dead.
Under that same tree you made a promise to me,
then carried me upstairs into our warm queen bed.
That same bed where you silently slept,
And I stayed awake as you snored, but I wept.
A promise is a promise, but the promise you never kept.
I hope she felt like silk on your skin,
While trickles of tears sailed down my chin.
An antique bathtub stands proud in the bathroom.
Rusted away, and stained with my blood.
I once filled it with water until it started to flood.
I drowned my sorrows, and vanquished my gloom.
A rickety old porch now crumbling away,
Is the place where I sit day to day.
Pondering, will this ever go away?
Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life,
As a wandering, sad, old spirit wife?
A well kept secret
Is as exciting
As new Spring
Fed by a born again sun
After lonely Winters
You left me
In my chest
My torn heart
refuses to rest
from within me
And it feeds me
The inside out
You long to
But I long to
You said you’d
Never let go
I know how
To hold on
I search for
To let go
I ache to
Then beg you
To stay again
I wish for warm sand and cool water.
Good company and a 12-pack of beer.
Take me anywhere, anywhere, but here.
If you’re gonna use me
For an occasional ****
At least make me ***
As I sit here on the back burner.
waiting for you, because you know i will.
The sad truth, as pathetic as I am,
Only I can love you this way.
I somehow mastered how to deal with my feelings
around you, by just not having feelings.
There meaningless you said, and will never get me anywhere.
So I still sit here waiting for you, waiting for a warn embrace.
But when you come back for me I am not tenerdly embraced,
I seem to make you sick. But why do you keep me here then?
On this back burner you have me placed.
Is it enlightening to watch me suffer?
You know I will give it all, for one second with you.
It pleases you.
So leave me here again, let me wait some more.
I might just rather sit on this back burner,
Then see your hateful face,
Id rather die in this place,
Then have you here to tell me what I cant feel,
to have you never give me that warm embrace.
Bad luck, my mama always said.
Your perfect the way you are, kissing me
Softly on the fore head.
Karmas a *****, my best friend explained,
holding my hand as we walked in the rain.
There's nothing wrong with you ,
My daddy lied,
Taking me for a long car ride.
Why doesn't love work, I screamed at the sky. It's not you its them, my sister said
with a sigh.
I just don't understand, it feels like I'm dying.
My brother whispered, It's not your fault,
just really bad timing.
I only want company in my bed
as my drunken self fights sleep.
I need a release, I'm trying,
As every cut hits deep.
We all bleed red, a common color,
We all stand back and watch each other suffer.
I just really need saved,
come be my hero,
it takes a lot to be brave.
Come for me, a chariot I await,
For this place I am in I cannot help but hate.
I need you, I hate to say,
but I have been waiting day by day..
Come bail me out of here,
take me away,
And promise me you'll stay.
I don’t give a ****
Read in between my lines
And you’ll see
I just want you
Between my thighs
Who are you?
You're not the same person you were two minutes ago.
I just don't get you.
You're compulsive, and corrupted.
You're easily addicted.
You have friends in your mind,
but in reality friends you'll never find.
You're simple yet, confusing
like a Rubik's cube.
With all your twists and turns.
This pain you put upon me
has left me with cuts and burns.
Will we ever learn?
To get along
and fix these never ending battles?
Your bipolar versus my anger.
Some days, to me you are a stranger.
Who I thought I knew has suddenly disappeared.
Your disease is something I've always feared.
Illness invaded your mind,
and has taken over who you once were
Leaving all your past senses blind.
You lit me up
When I first saw you
Started a fire inside of me
The way you
Touched the flame
Of a cigarette
To his face
And burned him
The heat crept up inside of me
And sent my body buzzing
My temperature rising
Set my world ablaze and
I knew I had to taste to you
Had to feel you
Wanted you to **** me up
And burn it all to the ground
Wanted you to light me up
Like the cigarette between your lips
That you put on his flesh
Kiss me hot to the touch
leave me scorched
Into a pile of ashes
Then roll me up
Into a smoke
And do it all over again.
Sorry if there’s typos tired; based on real life experience
You are sweet
Like overripe fruit
Forgotten in my kitchen
Salty skin in the summer
Lips touch under shady trees
Watching busy bees
My mind is a busy bee
Thinking turning spiraling
Out of control
Just a book waiting
To be written
I cannot trail words
Together and make
Them make sense
I can only break
Words apart between
My teeth and spit
Hoping they hold the
Answer all on their own
Because I cannot slow
Down and think about it
Think about the words
They come out in quick
Sudden sad sounds
Spilling out of my mouth
I try to swallow them
Whole but I can’t
I can only choke
I’m so sorry
You're the first drag of a fresh cigarette, and I know I shouldn't.
Smoke filling my lungs, like your words fill my head.
Heart heavy like cement inside my chest, while I slowly undress.
Butterfly's in my stomach?
Or just acidic regrets;
Do I really want this?
Here's a beer for letting go.
Here's a shot for forgiving.
Here's a toast for happiness.
Here's a bottle for my sorrows.
Here's a bed, for a better tomorrow.
Love is a concept
And I am
I’ve tired to cultivate
Ways to deteriorate
Without being noticed
Hair was long and yellow like pale dandelions;
Complimenting blue eyes, and white skin.
I was drawn into such rare beauty,
such new and unexplored mystery.
New girl in town, a new taste of envy in the air.
I befriended you; I wasn't so quick to judge.
I studied you closely.
I gained your friendship quickly.
I came to know you,
and the worst parts of you.
You lied so beautifully;
Manipulation to a fine perfection.
Still I followed you,
opened my heart up and fell weak.
You used me all up.
Drained me out;
Out of patience, out of friendship, out of love.
Everybody hated you.
They still hate you, and now I do too.
Don’t…don’t tell me you miss me.
Not when I see it. When I see you and her…just don’t.
Don’t tell me you’ll always be there for me, please don't.
I love you, you say to her; I swear you had just said it to me, but oh god please don’t.
Don’t tell me you miss the memories with me and still hold it close to you’re heart.
Break my heart any further, because you know I just can’t ******* let go…baby…just don’t.
Do you want to have it all with me?
Reflect a sunset in your eyes?
Breathe in salty sea air and watch the moon rise?
Overlook a valley from a mountain?
Warm yourself from a fireplace
In a cozy woodland cabin?
Laugh on rooftops under city lights?
See the world for all its sights?
Love me tenderly and dream it with me.
Away well go, where we are free.
I name stone after stone
After all the times
Then what I am
And I place
In my pockets
I am made up of
Teeth with too many
but not bright enough
To keep out the darkness
A handful of recipes
On a budget to feed us
Hand sewing to fix a hole
Sense to get by,
But not sense to make a fortune
Just enough patience
And love to keep our
Home from breaking
I unleash this thing inside me;
So lively and empowering.
I cannot feel this way, through any other form.
It is as though, I am completely reborn.
But every time I write
I cannot help but, feel so melancholy.
The emotions I hold just overwhelming me.
It’s as if the sadness in me breathes air again.
But every time I write,
I understand myself a little more.
I love myself just a little bit.
I feel comfortable with myself.
And anytime I write,
it’s truly from the heart.
It's that bitter-sweet part of life.
It's my own personal slice of happiness...
EVERY TIME I WRITE.
Rooted to this place I am
Stuck in my own head space
Drifting on a thought
But I never settle
On just one
It is far to vast in here
The voices sing
Me songs and
Tell me my fears
Lay them out on the table
They tell me to get the ****
Over it and face them
Have you ever just felt entirely small?
Has your heart beat so fast you were sure
it was going to explode?
Did your legs tell you to run but you couldn't?
Does your head feel all light?
And your eyes a bit blurry?
You're not suffocating yet it feels like you are right?
Do you have OCD? Or ADD?
Does the style of this poetry,
Soft fur I burrowed my face into
Whisker tickles, as if sharing secrets between us.
A bond between human and animal,
no one quite understands.
Warm purrs filling my soul as you nestled
under the blankets.
What were you thinking behind those feline eyes?
When you ran out the door, did you ever look back?
Do you prowl the alley's and chase mice in the night?
Know I haven't forgot you...
Is it freedom you wanted my feline friend?
That animal instinct that you couldn't fight?
If only I had known what you were thinking...
Behind those green, feline eyes.
jars of fire flies
in the dark of
make-shift blanket tents
smiles of partially-toothed children
grinning at trapped fire flies
in a jar rapidly "blinking"
as it to signal for help
spiders trap and eat their insides
and we deem them monsters
they do only for survival
but we do for entertainment
and in our children's eyes
deem ourselves heroes
I’m bursting open
Cracking open Winter’s
Sun light reaching in
Me reaching out
Colors seeping back
A water-color absorption
A little further to reach
A little longer to wait
I’m almost in full bloom
Your as lively as a brick
And cold as ice.
Your clock no longer ticks,
For your time has run out.
Your forced to wonder about
For all eternity,
But here you can find a friend in me.
I cannot take you above or below,
but here you shall stay.
You always are the same.
Never older, nor younger.
You never tire, nor hunger.
I can always find you in this place,
the place with the stones,
one stone in particular, lies what's left of you.
Your soul and bones.
Happiness lives inside the cage
Of your heart
It's up to you to find the key
The words flooded the shores of my pysche and poured
through my limbs into my fingers
and with a pen as their vessel, embedded
themselves into the paper.
I broke free of the inner cage I used to
suffocate the best parts of me.
24 ******* years I shut my happiness into
a jar and left it for every one else to hold
in their destructive hands.
How long had I let everyone else decide for me?
How long had I thought my self incapable of holding my self afloat?
I am not useless.
I am not small.
I am not for you or anyone else.
I am me.
I am brave.
I am extroidinary.
I am a warrior with a spirit brighter and bigger then galaxies stretching into oblivion.
I am alive.
I sat at this desk where I wrote the best thing I will ever write for my self.
I reinvented my being and picked my self up from the dirt and I promise to grow
Into the most beautiful garden you will ever see.
For me and only me. My struggles won't be only thing my foundation rests against anymore.
My heart in a box
That you kept
On a shelf
The highest of them all
You locked it
You promised you would never
Need to open it again
You promised my heart would
Stay with you forever
So you threw
That key ever so far
It shone in the sun
As it sailed
So far into the
And landed without a sound
And disappeared beneath a blanket
Of water and became a treasure
Within the sea
Holding you felt like an eternity.
I can still feel you against me.
Your breath a beautiful whisper.
Mine, a gentle purr.
My thoughts hung silently in the air,
Like a bad pesticide.
I drove myself crazy,
I just couldn't decide.
Was it a weight upon my chest?
Or a sleeping lover on my breast?
I starred into a suffocating darkness.
You were there, but you weren't really there.
Alone, i was fading.
Into the dark nothing.
My body went to sleep,
as you are so heavy in my arms.
On my chest
I adore you
But it’s getting
Hard to breathe
But also me
She is there holding
All my confidence
Dreams and desires
In her hands
Except I can’t keep my grasp
On the better parts
She sees a pretty face in the mirror
When I peer into the glass
I cannot see it
I see hollow eyes
Enshadowed by sleepless nights
Within me is hate
Within her is love
Her love my hate
But also my love
And her hate
Some days she gets out
Of bed before Me
The day starts and she is happy
I am happy
We are happy
But if I wake first
The sadness prevails
Written about did and dpd
I was only a closed door
Of a stable, boring house.
Until I became totally unhinged.
I called that freedom.
years have gone and past.
entirely too fast.
Ive held on to all of you
but this time i think im through.
we all fell apart.
wouldnt have guessed that from the start
they say time will heal it all
but i dont think it could heal the memory.
of you all watching me fall.
forever was a lie
you were never there to say hello
but always quick to say good bye♥
You are the houses in suburban cul-de-sacs;
Polished, shiny marbled counter tops
Plush carpet on waxed, heavy wood floors
Collections of perfect china displayed in antique cabinets
Matching curtains to center pieces
Sparkling champagne and spotless window panes.
While I am houses hidden in alley ways;
Worn kitchen tiles
Hand-me-down book cases
Collecting memories in photos on a lone refrigerator
Every breath and sigh stowed in cracks beneath my feet
The whir of aged radiators producing heat.
We are houses whose outsides are structured accordingly
But inside, our unique personality resides.
I don't want an apology
and I don't need your sympathy.
See I love the way you look at me
but hate the way you don’t see me.
I love it when u listen
but hate that you don't hear me.
Your confident but selfish
and Im strong but stubborn.
I love the way you hold me
but hate the way you don’t feel me.
I hate to cry in front of you
but I bet you enjoy it.
I didn't know what else to do
so I'd like to dedicate this all to you.
Well here's a grain of salt
and I'd like to say this is my fault
but it took two to play the game.
I bet you’d like me to get all the blame
but baby you brought me into this.
Its funny when I say your name
Id like to laugh in spite of it.
In spite of all the *******.
I hope you find some comfort
in this sad life you have in mind.
Baby your running out of time
running out of words.
You cant fake me into this
you really are absurd.
I don’t believe your flat out the lies.
Baby I can read u like a book
and it only takes one look.
Your not to hard to figure out
your really not a mystery.
but I guess its time to say good bye
to all of are history.
Id like to believe that you loved me
I'd like to say it proudly.
I gave an arm in leg and every thing that I was
and this is what I get from you
a bleeding heart in two.
I hope you can forget me when your lying next her.
but I hope you get the burden
and carry on the weight
that we were once something
even though its something you wish you could hate.
You can't deny the truth
you run and run and run from it
but baby its catching up.
In spite of what you've done to me
baby you are my only one.
It’s hard to live this cruel life
now that we are done
I guess to you it was all fun
and I'd like to end it with a silver shiny gun.
Undescribable emotions leading to spontaneous actions.
You were here with me, suddenly.
We were together, blissfully, like starlight against clouds.
...time...skipped a beat.
We didn't know each other anymore.
I only felt sick, and angry.
Fighting through tears and gritted teeth.
Away you went and you'll never think about it.
Now you know you left your love behind the first time.
I was right.
...time...skipped a beat.
Here I am on my bed.
I feel it.
All of it.
I'll think about it, but you won't.
I would still kiss you when you wake in the morning.
I would still hold you when you fight me.
I would still smile at your mother, even when she says I'm no good.
I would still laugh after hearing the same jokes.
I would still hold your hand when it's warm out.
I would still love you at your very wost.
...But only if I could...
Day in, Day out, we loved each other endlessly.
We Made a Home and fit in Comfortably.
Keeping each other company, just you and me.
Simple happiness made up of Sweet Nothings, I cant put a name on.
Suddenly it went wrong, still Misunderstood I stand
Crying to every love song.
I fight the urge to hold you, I fight it day by day.
This never ending misery is leaving my brain astray.
Part of me has left with you, and It will always be my best part.
Our Love died and lies forgotten, but will always reside
In a crevice of my heart.
I refuse to settle for less,
Knowing i had the absolute best.
f i l l i ng
e m p t y
I mostly miss
And breathed in
But not the
Way skin is
But the way yours is
You said I was
Out of my flesh
And savored the
Now the space
Where my head
I wonder how
You smell to them
And if you
Think they are
Pour me effortlessly down the drain
As if I were expired milk in the morning
Pour me through your fingers
Let me flow away like slippery
Ribbons down the void
In your kitchen
In the sink
In the ******* kitchen sink
Take away my oxygen
And cradle my life force in your hands
The same hands that destroyed my walls
The hands that lifted me up
Off the floor when I couldn't do it anymore
Lay me down for my eternal rest
Hold me in those hands
Until I take my last breath
Let me feel you run them through my hair
While my lungs run out of air
Rest them upon my heart while I sleep
Let those steady hands run over
My skin, then repeat
Until the last beat