You could break me
But
I trust you won't
Love

Go ahead

Devour the very thing that gives me life

Be warned the poison in your veins

Will not tolerate such an intrusion

Your blood is not so much a life force

As a force against my life

Drink in my essence

I offer it freely

It will be rejected though

Not by your senses

No they delight in it

Inhale it like gluttons

Drown yourself

My blood will fill you

Past the point of acceptance

Once rejection is no longer even an option

Then you will see

Pay the price

What I once offered as a gift

You abused and plundered

A ******* where you will drown

As you begin to drift

Finally the price is payed

Though my life is gone

Worth more than that is your death

When you succumb to deaths firm embrace

Think of me

Now I truly will see you in hell

This isn't healthy
I shouldn't crave
Not a craving like munchies
Or the random urge for something
My every fiber
Is starving for you

With you there is no pain
The problems go away
It's bliss
I relax
I can breathe
Finally

When I don't have you
You are all that
Fills my mind
I go insane
I can feel
So much pain

But you're gone
You have no feelings
Why should mine matter
The ache comes back
Blooming into a roaring flame
I can't handle this pain

Coffee and cigarettes and the night sky filled with storm clouds and the brutal blinding flash of lightning striking the earth fill me with a madness that pushes me to write and creates a burning desire to touch and taste and feel more to prove that I am alive

I
Don't
Know

I'm
So
Lost

I'm
All
Alone

It drips down my arms
Faster
Then slowly congealing
Coagulating
Stopping it's once rapid descent
The blood pools then dries
Sticky on my skin

You saved me yet again
Your promise
The one I made
It keeps me tied
You are my anchor
My thought
My all

I would spill my blood
To the last drop
To hold your tears
And to keep them from falling
I feel alone
But I know you won't leave me
You are my peace and serenity

Apathy is a blight
It is walking between the worlds
Trapped in twilight
No black and no white
Only murky dull gray
A fog impenetrable
Made of tears from another time
Woven by happy songs that used to rhyme
You feel no love
Antipathy either
It comes creeping in
Like a spider
Broken jagged shards of glass
Floating in an empty space
Never colliding
Always trying
To reach out and sever the gray
You may wish to feel
More likely you won't care
Pain is a price you must pay
If you wish any other feeling
Don't bottle it up
The affects will leave you reeling
While the fog seeps out
Like jello congealing

Maybe dad is right
Toxicity
It seems to be my enemy
And on a scale of healthy
I am not sure
Where this would be

You hurt me
But its okay
You're my best friend
The person I care about
More than anyone
That matters right?

I just want
For you
To be happy
And not hateful
Yet you insist
On being a ****

It amazes me
How much one person
Can change
Over a few months

I don't recognize
The person who
I used to be
No longer is that me

I am strong now
Or
At least
I am trying to be

Instead of harm
I build
Break and build
That causes strength

I will be strong
Fight on
Push through
Lets see what two more months can do

A long time
I was a shell

Not a clam
Or shrimp

Just a plain
Exoskeleton

In this moment
I am full

I could burst
Happiness is divine

This month
Has made me

Glad to be
Alive

You don't shine
You aren't beautiful
You are brighter than a star
And the wonders of your face cannot be described

Your voice
It is soothing
Smooth
And seductive

Your mind
Gods It is incredible
So much knowledge
And infinite creativity

You sing these songs
Only you know the words
Pause only a moment
And you write a new verse

Why?
That is what
I want
To know

You said you loved me
You swore you cared
Yet you ran away
When you got scared

I love you
With all I am
I've shown you how much
As much as I can

Then you say
I never loved you
Shut up
There is no way

All of the months
I spent in your arms
There was nothing
That would raise an alarm

Then out of the blue
You lie to my face
Baby I love you
But you bring disgrace to your race

Boys are stupid
Thats what girls say
But girls are the ones
Who fell in the first place

With a heart full of love
I will wait right here
So if you ever need me
You know I will be near

My lover is (relax... Breathe)
the black rage
That dwells
In my stomach's pit (breathe. Keep it in)

My lover takes (my breath away)
My love
But can't
Return it (won't)

My lover is (the breath)
The ache, (in my lungs)
The pain (letting me know)
That screams from my soul (I am alive)

My lover gave (me air)
My life to me.
Life is not lived
Without breathing
(Breathe in....
Sigh.... You're here.
Now... I can
Breathe)

My head nestles against your throat
Your breath warm on my face
Feathery kisses placed on my forehead
Make me feel at peace

Warmth touches my skin
Hands clasped fingers intertwined
A sigh escapes my lips
I am so glad you are mine

Wrapping around me are bonds
Your arms an iron grasp
Assuring of gentle affection
You hold my hands with a tender clasp

I love you how could I not
I try to explain but my words are locked

I have always been ancient
Too thoughtful
Always a mother even as a child
So when I first fell in love I threw out my caution
I immersed myself in him
When our time was done my old soul said wait
There is more yet to come
So I waited
And waited
And got hurt over and over
I thought that he was it
My true love
But then I realized there is no such thing
Love is a choice
And true love just means you stay loyal to that choice
So now I've found someone new
Well new to me
He doesn't know exactly how I feel
But he causes fires in me
I hope he doesn't hurt me
And maybe he will choose me
But I know no matter what
I'll make it through
Because I am a new me
I am stronger than I thought
I can survive because everything is a choice
And I choose to be brave

I think that coffee is a drug
And it poisons my mind
And burns in my veins
I go completely mad
The cigarettes take hold in my lungs
And the heat of the coffee soothes
My throat feels less on fire
The ashes settle in my lungs
Tiny flecks of dust building up
And weighing down
When I breathe in I look at the moon
And the molecules swirl and dance inside my lungs
I come undone
I am a symphony in the darkness
In which no light but that of the lunar goddess will shine

I cooked for you
Just things
That you
Like

Unfortunately
I'm good
At
It

You would rather
Eat my food
Than
Kiss my lips

Some
Days
I
Wonder

In the shower
I keep peeking out
making sure
no one is there

I’ve never seen ******
but somehow the shower scene
Is stuck in my head
but... mine stars Pennywise

The movie isn’t real
I know that
I’m a grown up
but in the dark...
i don’t feel like it

ive stopped sleeping.
the dark hall outside of my room
always seems to hold
a pair of glowing eyes

You wake me up

Yelling and screaming

Clawing scratching

Demanding satisfaction

So stubborn full of your own desires

Pull me from slumber by the roots of my hair

Searching frantically for the fix you cannot find

Violence is the sign of a true addict

Cursing and blaspheming you tear into my skin

Failing to find it you resort to torture

Once I relent you greedily ****** up your coveted prize

Leave me

My usefulness has been outlived

Your claim to it is only that it is yours

Never thinking of the risks or problems it brings

So addicted you can't survive a day without it

Constantly craving

You forget the world

Come back to the living it isn't too late

A world created
In my mind
A place where
Not only was I yours
But you were mine

Head trauma
Must have occurred
Hallucinations
Fill my brain
I see them only when you speak

Busted thing
My heart
Idiotic
My mind
Body betrays me

You
Made
Me
Hope.
I die.

Depression crushes
Breaks me down
What can I do
Just
Bury me now

I shouldn't be like this

My life is picking up
Great new job
I'm about to graduate
A loving relationship
The coolest cat ever
I shouldn't be like this

Getting back in shape
Eating right
Making new friends
Getting everything situated
Might've even found a good house
I shouldn't feel this way

I don't feel like I lost someone
Like I'm broken
Or aching
I just... Feel.... Bad
Like I'm a bad person
Who should be happy but can't

It isn't always
Most of the time I am satisfied
I am happy
At peace with my life
Overjoyed in fact
But some days...

When I spend too much time alone,
and lately that's all the time,
I can't fight the shadows;
the feelings that creep into my sunshine
And say "you don't deserve to be happy"
But I really want to be

Do you really think
The scars that mar
Your once perfect skin
Are beautiful?

The bruises on your flesh
They must hurt
Why cause them?
They are not the answer

Would you approve of
A friend of yours behaving
In a manner such as this
Drawing blood and mutilating themselves

It hurts to see you
Your pain is visible
Let me help
Oh wait...

I am you
I can't help myself
Can't get rid of
The pain of depression

Save me
Help me
No... I don't matter
Let me help instead

Mesmerizing

The only word to describe your gaze

Magnetic

Your hold over me

Nothing is sacred

My secrets are known

Your powers abused

Emotions conflicting

Crashing in my chest

My heartbeat is deafening

Filling my ears with rushing pounding blood

Choices no longer my own

If ever they even were

Your oppression a cruel delight

Plucking my heart from my chest to add to your collection

When the piper calls the heart must answer

Lest it beats no more

No struggle, No fight

Freedom isn't an option

It is not even wanted

Games were never so enjoyable

Torture so desirable

Steal my soul for I have naught else

Though once offered it is no longer stealing

The spell you have over me

Too strong to be broken

A curse that is mine to bear for eternity

Your arms hold me perfectly
As you trace lazy patterns on my arms
I shudder
Its delicious
I love to hold you
Feel your warmth
And your chin on my hair
Your stubble is scratchy and wonderful
I love to feel it against my skin
Different from the smoothness of mine
A texture that I want to kiss and caress
But your lips I love even better

I want to write about being crushed
Like something sat down on my chest
No one will ever read this
But I have to let this out

When I am around people I am happy
Because I love them
I want them not to worry
Please don't leave me alone

I am alone now....
Rather than one heart break that will heal
I have a perpetually breaking heart

Maybe there is nothing sitting on me
Maybe my chest collapsed
Someone probably beat me to death
That would be lovely
Death by blunt object to the lungs
Baseball bat mayhaps?

Depression is a crushing thing
Devastating
Irrational
Fleeting
It comes to stay a few days or a week
Then leaves much later than intended

Please don't leave me
I don't want to be alone
This silence stifles my thoughts
The emptiness causes my tearducts to weep

At night I slumber
Wishing to be held
Maybe, there's that word again, maybe someday
If I am very lucky

This sadness that crushes will fade I know
But each and every time
It takes longer to go

The inside of a cloud
A rain cloud
Grey and cold
With drops dripping down

Fog, oh Fog
Still cold and grey
But, instead of the drops;
It is a blurring obscuring thing

Sunshine is too hot
Habilitates lethargy
It's mantra;
Sleep, Sleep; that is all you want

Rainy days
Grey again
Now the drops fall freely
Temperature dropping; it's frigid now

It is cold
Long sleeves a sanctuary
Chills numb after a time
It takes too long though

Spring time's sudden heat
Hinders the appetite
There is no sleep
Nor can one eat

In all weather
The eyes do weep

Absence
Makes the heart grow
Fonder
What about my mind?

I've lost connection
You are gone
I can't feel you
Reach you

I feel so **** lost
I hate this part of me
Dependent
Needy

I don't want to
I can't
Need
You

But once again
I can't help
But reach out
For you

my head is throbbing
a line that feels like raw nerves
is running behind my right eye

Everyone is having allergy issues now
but this feels different
noise makes me sick

is there an allergy to music?
some intense lack of soul?
maybe I don't have one

My lover is singing off key
in my too small shower
that's the only sound that doesn't hurt

The band downstairs still *****
they play non stop
But never improve

What is the difference between dissonance and cacophony?
I can't remember. They make me queasy

Even my cat is being extra nice today.
like he knows I feel wrong
Cat nurses are the best

I wanted to keep you
Some piece
Something
That was only mine
So I fused your marks with my flesh
Spilling my blood onto the sheets
Maybe this will dull something
Aching and burning
Inside of me
I only hurt
There is nothing else
I'm not good enough
To even help myself
You want to feel so go to her
I guess that makes me feel too
Like a dying ember with it's path gone askew
You are my everything
The sun behind a cloud when it's raining
The words on a page in the book that is all
Every light that guides me
And every shadow in which I fall
You were all I wanted
But I'm not good enough
I'm not enough
Not anything
Just a shattered piece of glass
Drawing my own blood

You aren't a tree
Yet you seem hollow
You are not made of dead wood
But you act like you can't feel
The ache and emptiness
That show in your eyes
Hurt me
Your pain pulls at my heart
And I cannot help
I'm lost in the dark

The old tree stood
Empty
Dead on the inside
Going more hollow
With every storm
And every creature
To dig the hole deeper
That leaves when it grows weary
Of something as dull
As a dead empty tree

Blank,
Dead,
Empty,
Your eyes

Look
At
Me
I die

Break
Me
Down
You lie

All
I
See
Your eyes

The people you love
The ones you protect and defend
They will cut you down
Break you into bits
Shatter the love that you felt

You were my sister
You were my friend
Yet over and over
Time and again
You have witnessed the love I give to you
And Seen only what you wished to

I am no scapegoat
I do not hurt the people I love in this way
I protect and cherish
I don't create dismay
I have loved you
For many long years
Why would I ever
Desire your tears?

I have never hurt you
Never told you a lie
Done everything you have asked
Without asking why

You take all of this
And ***** me over
You cut me down
And rip out my heart
You've broken me
For the last time
Now the only interests I look out for
Will be mine

I love you
You know that
The words I speak
Ring with truth

Why leave me
My heart is breaking
I can't understand
I didn't forsee

You hide and cower
Afraid of love
Yet you love me
All of this is a cover

Stop being afraid to live your life
Embrace my love step into the light

For two years
we spent every day together
every night talking
I thought we were friends

For two years I listened to you
talk about everything
heart ache, family, work
I thought I knew you

FOR TWO YEARS
I SUPPORTED YOU
I HELPED YOU THROUGH SO MUCH
why now is it like this

You say now that I am your darkness
that I make you an alcoholic
You perverted everything we did
and tried to take my friends

For two months
you ignored me
We live together but you ignored me
now it’s been four months


And I’ve given up on you

It fell
Not with feathers
But a crash
Shards shattering across the floor

Thump, Thump
It used to sing that song
Now look at it sparkle
Brittle crystalline thing

Tread carefully
Glass cuts
Even the one that owns it
Or that possesses it

Drops
Splashing down
A shining trail on her cheek
A crimson pool in her hand

Accidentally breaking something
That is the worst
You try to catch it
And you are the one who gets hurt

Pick up the pieces
One by one
This heart is too broken
There's nothing to be done

When I look at you
I feel like I am in my fantasy
You are the ray of afternoon sun
caressing my skin
as I lay reading

You are the excitement
that bubbles inside of me
when something brings me laughter

Even my favorite fictional character
-created with only lovable flaws-
cannot fill me with such a rush
of pure joy

You are the golden amber rays of sunlight
the delicate wings in my chest
fluttering glowing warmth
You fill my senses

It has been
Over a year
A hell of a long time
That To me you've been dear

You are my waking smile
And the dream I have inside
My last thought
When I turn out the light

I have fought for you
I will continue to do so
Because my darling
You make my life beautiful

Yeah whatever
You've made me cry
I couldn't care less
I just want to call you mine

A year ago
That is what you were
I was your moon
You are my sun and stars

In an ever revolving galaxy
You are my center
My air
My source of gravity

You keep me together
When it feels like I'm falling apart
Darling I'm no Indian giver
And I already gave you my heart

I don't want mine back
It's yours to keep
Maybe we could trade though
And then once again I could sleep

Knowing full well
I kept your heart in my chest
I could lay my head down next to yours
And finally rest

There is no rest
Consider
If you were torn asunder
Could you bear the pain
How soon would we find you
Six feet under

To be born half
Searching the world over
Trying to find
Something...

A bird missing a wing
A harp without strings

That's me without you

i cant
i tried
i swear
this isnt life
i cant care

my heart is too gone
my chest is empty
my ribs rasp
my heart is being squeezed
held in a giants grasp

help
me
please
im dying
here

all alone

I am empty
And only you fill me

I am hollow
And I ache for you

Every silence
Laden with unspoken meaning
Brings me pain

It's a dull grief
That tears a hole
Ripping out my heart

Or the little pieces
That you left
Broken in me
So long ago

I can't love
Anyone
But you
You have all my love

I miss you so I pine
They think I've lost my mind
Absence creates a longing
Unable to be quenched
Don't think that I'm not trying
I just can't handle this
An apparition of you haunts me
Teasing and taunting me
Never set me free
You are my sun
The oxygen in my lungs
I may sound obsessed
That's a little true
No less nor more can I reveal
About the way you make me feel
Without sounding quite insane
You're like a fever in my brain
I'll gladly bare this pain
As long as your lips speak my name
Agony beats out apathy
I do not desire sympathy
My reward is your smile
For which I've searched all this while
It's the little things you do
That continually draw me to you

The opposite of happy
Is empty
That essential happiness
Snuffed out
Like a candle

But the opposite
Of empty
Is hope
The tiniest little
Spark
That ignites a
Raging fire

For so long
I have been hollow
Empty of all
Feeling nothing
And now
I have that
Tiny flicker
Of hope
Burning inside me
Filled with warmth
And for once
Hope

The air unit is too loud
I forgot that
But I needed cold
My thoughts need cooling
Another night too hot to sleep

I can scarce breathe
Tears clog my throat
There must be something
Crushing my lungs
Keeping me from freedom
I'm dying
I cannot
I will not
Grovel
I am in pain
There is this
Ripping
Tearing
Brutal crushing
Going on
Inside of me
Who I am
Has been lost
It has been crushed
Broken and scarred
How am I alive

I've been lying on the couch for an hour.
The drink beside me
covered in beads of condensation.
I should've done something today.

I have been avoiding life.
sometimes i can't even get out of bed.
I'm losing a battle.
have i even eaten today?

eh... there's cold pizza in the fridge...
if i can make myself get up.
Not worth it.
Oh. is it nap time again?

I need to be myself.
Focus. Death shouldn't impact me this way.
I have been grieving too long.
But this hurts too much to handle.

Yes I am the second choice

Not the first selection

Always here to cure your blues

Left out of the laughter

Cruelty becomes you dear

Hypocrite that you are

You crawl to me with all your fears

Cry louder so they can hear you

Again they melt my heart

She leaves you

So I never will

Once again you are together

When you fight I take your part

Laugh unnaturally

Loud and obnoxious

Misery becomes me

Desertion a fact of life

Glance at me with eyes of pity

If I see it I'll rip out your heart

Blood pounds through my face

Leaving a shameful stain

Battles not of my choosing

For you I will always war

Time nearly expired

Violent to my core

Forgive my many treasons

I forgave you many more

I am
Says my heart
Wait!
It stutters,
His

My eyes
In my head
Have noticed
A man, No
Not him

I search
Him?
No
Not his!
They cry

Finally
In the corner
A boy, my age,
Quiet, shy, sleeping alone
My heart saw you

I am
His

If there was ever a time where I needed you
Now would be that time
Let me drown in you instead of my sorrows
Because I am barely breathing
And the waters are rising
Every day it is more difficult for me to swim

I'm not special
My eyes
Just brown
Not light
Or dark

Your wall
Won't come down
I don't
Mean
Enough