Lately I find that my life is shaded in many colors of grey
I neither love him nor can live without
I love the idea of another, but the way he treats me makes me hate him
I feel seen but also burdened by the later
And somewhere in the middle of this tangled web of half truths lies my lonely soul
Always alone.

I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent in this mental tug of war.
Im still hoping to be better than the last time we said goodbye.
I’ve been walking the line between demure and unleashed.
The glitter of others catch my eye, tho fleeting
None illuminate me like you.
I feel the dimming as I walk deep into this cavern.
The farther I walk the harder it is to see that from which I came.
I don’t recognize me; not in my reflection and not in my heavy steps.
There’s no certainty that this is a path of healing.  
And I know healing; my hands have willed it with vashe soaked gauze.
And I know healing; I’ve auscultated it in lobes and bases.
And I know healing; I’ve smelled it in the excrement of the bedridden.
And I know healing.
I know healing?

Was I born with this
The part that  can’t be tamed
She craves chaos
A cigarette between my fingers
A straw parting my lips
My bare feet on stone, sand, tile, dirt, mulch, glass
But she’s never here when I wake to wash the cuts, to rinse the sin, to recover the funds
Is she me or is she chemical

Even in the places I go to escape you
I find you
I’m brought to tears in the middle of the dance floor with all of the motion, and lights and sound and smoke swirling around me
I feel the tangible space all around my body
I feel the weight of being without you

What is it called when the very act of being near someone makes you want to drive full speed off of a cliff?

But you can’t be without them.

Im in a race with the bottom of the bottle
Who will forget the way it feels to have you wrapped around themselves first?

Ever  been ***** and equally uninspired?
Not a single person keeps the fantasy alive

The crank of the pump is audible maybe for the first time
Drops joining a full line endlessly pouring into the vein
Skin so thin I can almost perceive the flow of morphine.. or is it blood?
I can count her bones as I clean
A pressure so light like when I was an infant and my father tickled my toes
No muscle or fat remaining they’ve already rejoined nature
But then the chest balloons, one shallow breath falling into step with mine
Sending a shudder down my spine like I’ve been electrocuted
Both of us hold our breath as i roll her bones
Black pools of blood on her back
Like ink spilling out on the page
vying to get out
And tell her story

Glassy and red
But oh so crystal blue
They’re beautiful
When you make me cry

It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.

Lately I feel like a bird with wet wings
In theory I have the freedom of the skies
But I’m stuck on the ground

The funny thing about standing at the mountain top
Is the way it casts a shadow on all the steps before
No matter that I’m looking down the path I just walked
I can’t feel that first step again
I can’t feel the feeling in my stomach the first time his hand brushed mine
I can’t feel the flutter of that first kiss
I can never again feel that first ******
But the cursed last one, that one you never forget.

What if the thoughts never developed
If I could leave them in the dark room
Better yet still on their film roll
What if I could take each step
Without words knocking on the back of my teeth

Cuz mama when it boils down to it we’re all fools
And I’ve become the monster that lets him believe he can fool me more than once

Unfortunately once I hate you
It’s infinite
It grows and furls in every space of my mind
Unfortunately once I love you
I’m bound to hate you

The blood drained from my hands
And drained from my head
Ran to my heart

Racing, flashing, dancing

Your brought me to my knees hopefully for the last time

As I struggle for oxygen
And swallow the lump in my throat
I remember the way you saved me

As I skip breakfast
And walk for more and more miles each day
I remember how you praised me

I am as broken as I always was
And I remember what a beautiful thing to be

I want to suffocate your memory.
I want to burn your image.
I want to record over the soundtrack of your voice with a thousand new songs
Each day I wake up I dig your grave deeper.
It’s become so deep that the dirt has begun to fall on me
If only I could drag you down with me.

I could spend eternity
Sitting in the pouring rain
But it would never rinse you from my skin

Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?

She loves me
He lusts for me
They need me
You long for me
But I am alone

I wanted
And want
Nothing more than to make you smile
And know that you share that pure joy with only me

But we both know I had nothing more to give you
Because your staying in the sinking ship;
Going down without a fight
..
And I’m a swimmer