You told me so many times
That I deserved better
But I never heard you

What’s a measure of a valuable life?
dignity;
Or knowing when to ask for help?
Is it clutched in talons of the oppressor?
Is it living fast and dying young all for a story to tell?
How many should watch over your rotting corpse?
Because in the end all our blood pools black;
The ink of our heart’s quill desperate to get out

As I lay here watching your favorite show
Which became mine
I think of how much I moved my heart towards yours
And how much you ran in the other direction.

And it’s sad.
Not because I love you
But because you will never love like me
Until you let go

I always imagine that being loved will be  
Like sunshine on my face
Like silencing my racing thoughts
Like slowing my heart rate
Like the smell right after it rains

But then they fall in love with me
And I lose all my senses

Where is the space that  all of me converges
In what dimension does bone meet intuition
Is there a timeline when my necrotic heart beats to the drum of my ambition

I find myself admiring the stained glass
Of the church next door
I watch the way the light changes behind it

I think that window reminds me of myself

A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength

It’s in the good morning texts
And the look of pain when he smacks my ***
The way you tease me about Joanne
And spray cologne to visit me on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s in the way you stroke the crest where scalp meets face
Brushing my hair behind my ears
And then stroke where legs meet hips
Making my toes curl and back arch

I love you.

I can’t help but hesitate
To step forward or out with anyone.
I can feel you reaching out to me
But I don’t know who you are yet

Tinted glasses
In a lightless room
She reaches and grabs where she can
But it’s always a shallow effort
Transactional love

But that’s not the love I want to receive
I want to know you trust me
I want to feel you support me
Not take and take and take

I learn to cut the strings for people who are great at wasting my time.
But I mourn each thread of the girl I used to be.
The little girl who hugged lonely looking people in the grocery store.

I tried to close my eyes and escape
But you and all the sadness surrounding it flicked behind my eyelids
The anxiety keeps me awake for days  
Flickering lights dance on the ceiling
Teasing my blank mind
And I’m not sure what’s worse.

I never expected you to hurt me
I thought I was cutting off the lust
And the impractical
To feel something real

But I was never ever good enough to you

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
A swarm of angry bees
Nesting deep in my stomach

The pain of numb so few will know
Vision as black as crow
I trace my raised skin
As it clamps down on my windpipe.

Full to capacity
With feelings for you
Love and anger and desire
Spilling over into every poem
Every conversation

He’s not as good,
No one is as good as you

But even if they were
I’m already over capacity.

I closed my eyes tight
Focused on the rhythm
Tried to be okay with it

But I missed you so much today
And all I could think about
Was how your lips made a home
Your tongue a lullaby
And your hands wrapped around me was the closest I’ve ever felt to beautiful

Without you
I’ve had to relearn what I look like without your eyes to see me
I’ve had to relearn what my body wants without you to guide it

It’s been 2 months since I watched you walk out
And leave me in this hell

2 months since I’ve been homeless in my own home.

If it were one of the girls
I would tell them to run
Why do I not think I’m good enough to run

It was a massacre
My dead feelings circling the drain with my period blood and his *****
And for a fleeting moment I thought I saw your fingerprints

I love you
Three words I’ll never tell you
And words you’ll never say

Though I hear them everyday
In the whistle of the tea kettle
And your laugh against my temple

I love you
Three words you’ll never utter
And words that would break me to speak

When I close my eyes
It’s good, maybe healing.
The comfort of hot breath to warm my neck

But I do not belong
And so I slide from the arms of safety
Release the chain, and slip into the rainy night

Without a sound
Without a trace

And he will let me go
Because my heart is always somewhere else.

Sleep escapes me again.
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished.

And funny that a stranger stated my truth so plainly.
To describe these nights of torture ;
My existence ties my stomach in knots.

Taught to think a partner is happiness
But never being truly happy with ourselves when we are a partner

Constantly trying to be better than the pornstars, models of his dreams
And let’s be real
Better than his mother

I think today I realized you are the reason I stopped celebrating my birthday
I’m not sure if it was your presence or the lack of it

God I wish Narcane worked on you
Cuz I’m dying to get a breath without you clamping down on my chest

We sip congratulatory Miller lites
In the bar with the 50 cent pizza
The poor mans gala I thought to myself and chuckled

But Heather she whispered
And drew me close, her lips against the folds of my ear
“I still think of her”

“When” I say
“Everytime we make a major relationship decision”

She wants to know is it wrong
I say no
But what I mean is “you’re not alone”

It was in the soft pattering of snow against my pane
It was in the crisp morning air
The stillness of the world
That I felt his soul untangle from mine
I watched his ghost dance across the wood
And slip through my door

Leaving me to quiver alone.

I loved you so much I thought it would break me.
But missing you.
That’s so much harder.

Time in heartbreak is a funny thing
It moves slowly but when you turn around to face the path you see that miles have rushed by.

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

The pain of numb so few will know
Vision as black as crow
I trace my raised skin
What made the tingles begin?

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

I clutch harder to my safety blanket
And run my hands over the goosebumps
This too shall pass, little one.

Your fingers trace me hip to breast
Switching back and forth against my curves
Sending ripples down my middle
And splitting me wide open