The sweat
The tapping
The squeeze
The timing
The breath
The holding
  then comes -
The inward mapping
Draw in, breath out
Pull in, jump out
A chance, a dream
A dance... a resolution-
Romance;
A rose, purple or violet, followed by a trumpet
that says- good, not perfect.

Life is but chance and a few rain drops
granulated what if's and why -
knots us in a circuitous march.
With trumpet sounds that blur the lines
between ups and downs and lefts and -
writes no formula to sojourn by.

I thought that I could keep changing my name
until I found the one that fits.
    The name that will make me stand tall,
     be bold. Not fold...
Aha, but...that power doesn't rest in the name
I have to garner it from within.

...
Life gives opportune moments to be taken
regardless of the fortunes left unattended.
Leaving behind unassuming faces
to be faced with the hunting of oasis.

Believing it won't happen again
I planned to paint myself in the corner.
The little girl that could was no longer visible.
In her place is me,
too afraid to say no, too afraid to be alone.
No poetic way to say,
I run away even from my own shadow.
I Decided,
You will become my security blanket.
Relentless, unapologetic, and just conniving enough
to stay until you go.
Warm at first, then sung, then sleepless nights ensue
until it feels like I'm nestled in a straitjacket.
It will be of my own making, I'm afraid
that I'll wake up with no wiggle room.
Too afraid to say no, Too afraid to be alone.

The little girl that could, where did she go?

Melancholy Tuesday
Please comeback on Friday,
This weekly march
is somewhat fraught
with tempestuous waters
that make it hard
to surface from -
   The lake of blah-ness
   The sea of staleness
   The nights of - no word sadness
I call it, Melancholy Tuesday
I’ll ask you to please...
     Don’t leave me yet today.

....
Absence came and hid the cracks.  
Wasn't she suppose to make the heart long?
she said fonder, bolder, tighter, closer...
She lied. She formed habits designed to hide.

Brilliant...
I thought I wanted this
secludedness,
but most birds don't fly
without their flocks.
Repeatedly,
I am taking off.
I'm journeying to mountain tops.
I say my dears, I'll be back
When I find the shell
that hides my prize,
only to wonder why I am lost
caging myself from  
passing life.

Give it a shot
Why not?
In time, you’ll feel it
If you just let go
Go mad
Let love
Get married
Have children
I’ll be proud
As your maker
Your raiser
I say when,
You should just jump

But I can’t
I doubted my self
Far too often
But now I know not
I forgot what it was
But my memory
Flooded back
Thank God
I know what it’s like
To look deep in the eyes
And just know
Without having to try
That I like him
And I am willing to
Jump!

All I want is to roam
The skies like the hummingbirds birds do
Yet,
    What’s out there that
     I want it more than
     I want you?
      Freedom,
      perhaps?
    Freedom...Freedom.
However lonely, Freedom.

The wheels may never
start turning,
nor the stars aligning,
or the winds whispering,
to guide me to where I need to be.
But may I be able to
gather the courage
to dust off my boots and
bandage my wounds to keep trekking,
clearing the trail that I should lead.

-Amen!

If they tell you,
Make it pretty
Make it nice
Be subtle and precise  
Shiny but not too bright
Smile then laugh, but don’t snort -
Not ladylike
One more thing... don’t cry,
Black streaks will ruin your attire.
You can tell them,
OR
I can make it pretty and loud
Assertive and proud
Ladylike if I like  
Be boisterous if I must
I can dress it up, dress it down
Twirl and dance around  
Show my tears to the crowd
And then laugh because that’s life
Also,
          I can snort, that’s allowed!

“Always see the glass as half full”
said the Lady to the kid
And the kid replied,  
“But life is a draining thing.”
The Lady, not taken aback
Looked at the kid and smiled
“Always see the glass half full,
Because you’re the only you.
What happens today will shape the
Future you- And you...,
You are going to change the world.

So the kid grew up, moving home to home
Could’ve been a sad tale forgotten, unknown
But a voice echoed “you are going to change the world.”
And although the kid never saw the Lady again,
    She lived, and loved, and learned
Because she knew, somewhere out there
Lived someone who believed in her.

I was writing about a river
then the pictures I run over
crossed my mind like a hangover
the hesitation ever so clearer
but it helps to start over
a side of aspirin the answer
to hurdles I need to crossover
to put my life back together again!

It was raining
yesterday,
light shower drops
falling away.
The leafless trees
with open arms,
welcomed the drizzle
until midnight.
I stayed awake
because I could;
The soothing sound
told me I should -
write to you
one last goodbye
till I see you
Next winter time.

Mist is in the air
seeping through my pores;
I look for you,
bathed in the cold.

Time and time again,
I hear eerie tones.
like the song of cicadas,
under Shumard oak.

Debated where you were
mystery unsolved.
The story of old,
Me vs. my own mind.

Afternoon fades off
still, debated unsolved.
to the song of cicadas,
to face each other once more.

Lost in your thoughts
and dreams
heading somewhere
that never seems to be reached...
     Write to me when you make it there,
       so that I know it's possible.

How do I find it?
the way home seems so hard.
walk over mountains,
hope the mountains won't collapse.
what day is today?
the day I meet my chance...
the chances are, I don't know how
far I can walk

I know the trees talk
              the trees talk
they call my name so clear and proud
what do they say when I'm not around?

Find me a willow tree
so I can rest my head
when the morning breaks
hope to find my bed instead
what day is today?
the day I find my place
but the chances are, I don't know how far
I can walk

I know the trees talk
              the trees talk
I wonder if they'll answer if I ask
Don't leave here
fruits may be poison
don't leave me here
the way home is what I seek
    Find me a house with the lights on
                                  with the food warm
                                  with the bed firm
    Find me a house with the clock on
                                  compass north
               So I can find my way home.

droopy eyelids
lazy smile
slowed down thoughts
words... I can't find!

I took a plane and a train to come find you.
you said "take a nap, we've got time"
and I said, "no thank you I'll stay awake,
lets take a walk instead."
six miles we went.
I, trying to avoid the jet lag
but really just scared that if I shut my eyes,
days will disappear like stars when night gives way to the day sky or
like warm cookies from a cookie jar.
You, laughing because you missed my laugh.
Later on,
As I sat in the metro
in a city I didn't know
trying to find my way back to your house
I wished I had the power to stretch a second into an hour
an hour into a day and a day into forever there with you!

I did not appreciate you
when I had you close
now you're everything
I can't recall.
Like, was it blue or was it turquoise?
when we hanged around the river til the sun rose.
And roses were red, yellow, and pink,
we were warned not to touch them for we might bleed.
But we didn't care covered in dust
we held the world in our palms,
and we drew on them with sticks we found
in the neighbors yard.

I did not appreciate you
when I had you close
now the scenery is everything
I can't afford.
Like, willow birds and fast paced steeds
grass evergreen and trees that could sing.
Hiding from the moon that was trailing us
in search for treasures,  gold and bronze
So we can trade them for paper ships
to sail across the the rain oceans...

Now as I am glancing back
at my fractured past history ,
I wished I captured your essences
to last as lifelong memory.

Why you?
Why now?
Was it the dark, the lack of light?
Well, there was the moon glow through the the window!
So it has to be what was on my mind.
Was it the ***?
Cursed truth serum
That burned my mind with the Polaroids of my insecure past?
When I had doubts of not good enough
When I lied more than I told the truth
Changing my name from town to town
Changing my face from friend to friend
Whatever the reason must’ve been fleeting
I don’t remember now or am I repressing?
Only time will tell if I start admitting
that I have problems that might need fixing.

I like that you like me
I hate that I don't see
How good you are for me
So I doubt what this could be
and I embrace my lonely.

You can sell me your lies
I’ll bite,
I will let you take me down your path of
Yellow daisy flowers and red bright roses
Even though I find out-
too little too late,
They’ve all been painted
to deceitfully entice and trap me behind
The facade you call love.

Tears,
crystal clear like the springs
Pouring in downward motion
salty like the ocean...
I want to go up and away
anywhere from today
Because
I feel sadness echoing  
    my thoughts trolling
      my sprit crawling  
I am back with the sad songs again
     dancing with my demons again
        whirling through emotions therein
I think life is,
twisting me up like a chord and
minor chords keep playing in my soul.

Remember,
You’re human
And
You falter
But
It’s Okay!

I saw a girl playing alone
many of her toys scattered around
there was only one she bothered to pick up.

A paper kite that was broken
with edges folded and pieces fallen
she tried to fly it but it was for nothing.

I didn't see how long she tried to fly it
but I prayed she won't become crestfallen
when most things in the world seem broken.

Color Blue is my best friend
I'll keep him with me until the end
We'll walk down the streets hand in hand
I'll tell them all it's what I want.
I want the sadness and the pain
The pensive looks that we share
The sweet sorrow, the jazzy blues
All that comes with being Blue's.
Hey Blue...? I say once or twice a day,
You're my armor, my dark knight
Your lullabies drown out life...but
you're all I know Don't leave me behind.

Sad flowers bloom in the night
You wonder how you’ve come this far
You stay up late till the dawn
To watch the sun rise.
Loose change behind the cracks
You pick them up, rinse them off
Don’t give up now you’ve come this far
******* tight and take a flight.
  Emotionally depleated-
  Uprooted;
  Anything goes in this town
  But like clockwork you repeat it
  And tears fall from your eyes like waterfalls to the river...
Sad flowers bloom in the night
I know your kind the classic type
You walk around head in the clouds
You chase your dreams
Till they become
The driving force
That wake you up.

I'm new to town
I don't know how
to hold my head sideways
yet
you flash a smile
your pearly whites
but they disappear like lightning
and
I'm learning fast
to be a fraud
how to counterfeit my laugh lines
though
the time will come
when this faux attire
will be worn like my coat of arms.