There’s no room for me in my own life.  My body cramps and contorts to fit into the narrow little space you’ve allotted for me to occupy, and even then, you manage to take it all up. You’ve barged in on every aspect of my life. It doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. Yes, my life is yours, to do with what you will. You are a god. Omniscient. Omnipotent. Omnipresent. You are everywhere. I am not a fully formed person at all; I am a child clinging to her father’s hand, lest the evils of the world ****** her up and tempt her to sin.

You are velvet under my fingertips, honey on my tongue.
So, love me.
Everything about you is lovable. Everything about you draws me in. Love me. Love me. Pour your love out onto me, kiss me with the kisses of your mouth, lavishing them from my neck to my thighs, ******* roughly on my soft, supple skin. Love me. Let me take you in. Let me kiss the breadth of your chest, let me caress your sweet, endearing face, love me, love me, let me pour my love out over you, onto you, into you. I want to hear how much you love how I love you.

I don't.

I want to press kisses against all your bruises. You soften my sodden heart. You're so pitiful it's endearing. My poor boy. My poor poor boy. Please don't cry, or I'll want to comfort you. Please don't look so sad. Don't look like you love me, or it might make me love you.

These one-shot wounds are piling up
Hit me again, one bullet’s not enough
Don’t stop firing till we’re corpses walking
Measly hateful human bodies rotting


My lashing tongue goads you into the fight
Broken bodies fighting for bruised pride
Burning tears are your only defense
And beautiful make-up to hide battered flesh

Meanwhile, I’ll wear a costume made of words
To hide the melted plastic burns
We can both easily lie to a world of fools
At least, until the next uncivilized duel

Don’t even know you
Yet I think you’re so divine
Don’t even know each other
I still want you to be mine
An alien boy, so interplanetary
An Empty girl
With her head all airy

You feel like a state of inbetween
in the interval
Of sensible, and having no meaning
You seem to not think I’m absurd
Or at least you
match foolishness word for word

Don’t even know you
Yet you feel so familiar
And when you’re around
I get sillier and sillier
This alien girl, captivated by
the Able boy
with a mind like the sky

My feelings and thoughts are running in constant loop
They're mixed up and messy like alphabet soup
and the noodles don't clearly spell out L-I-K-E

Just when I think my head's sorted out and right
The word "love" tries to invade in another bite
Ughh! What the hell is up with me?!


Here's a bit of food for thought:
Do I like you or do I not?
I want others to know you're romantically "mine"
but the problem is I'm not romance inclined..



See, things get confusing when platonic and romantic mash
So, irritated, I throw my bowl in the trash

I’ll admit it, my feelings for you
Are about as tasteful and confusing as alphabet soup

The noodles aren’t clearly spelling out l-i-k-e
I want to spend time with you, but do you even still love me?

I’m childishly throwing tantrums about feelings I can’t comprehend
Lashing out at your love and dumping cans of it on my own head


I wasted what could’ve been a lovely thing
All because I was confused about my own stupid feelings!

ruby red lips like a renaissance girl
and tumbles of black, black curly hair
youre larger than life as i sit in my chair
and shrink under your devouring stare

You're my knight in shining armor
You're the beast I need to vanquish
[You're the source of my stress and all of my anguish]

the little princess you sought to ensnare
is a ruddy-faced ***** not a maiden fair
this pretense of intimacy and still im aware
who it is you're going home to.

placed you on an alter, i fell to my knees
and instead of sweet nothings
i offered prayers and pleas
your feet swung in the air, far far away
face terrified and helpless
as you listened to me pray

to save me, save me i begged for deliverance
my worship, my reverence, our eventual severance
made myself an offering all while feigning ignorance
when you tore off your thorns i feigned indifference

I want to fold little bits of myself and put them away on a shelf
till all of me is condensed so soundly that I become impenetrable
and nothing can hurt me.
I want to curl up into a tight little ball atop my mattress
and have someone brush the tips of their fingers
against my forehead -momentarily-
but otherwise be left where i am alone
the fan is spinning
and nothing can hurt me.
I've closed the door of my linen closet,
left myself in the dark,
nestled away between the kitchen towels and cleaning rags,
with a sigh.
Yes, I can't stop sighing.
Don't let anything hurt me in here.
Don't let anything in.

Tutti frutti you say I’m a cutie  
So come over here and share your cooties
Come over here and share your cooties
There’s no need to be aloof or snooty
I’ll let you have your share of my cooties

Relax a little, I like you a lot
I’ll share with you all the love that I’ve got
It’s lot, you know, with this big ole heart
I’m a forward girl, a cherry ****
I’m a lot, I know, but make no mistake
All I ask is a little give and take
Lotta love given, boy, so replenish it
Give me back, all you've bit
chewed
and swallowed.

Can tell by your glances
there's no way to hide it
I act cutely cuz I know
it'll make you excited
pretty boy, pretty boy
hurry hurry hurry
come kiss me my lip gloss
tastes just like strawberries

it's your eyes
wider than a full moon
blown up big like a 90's cartoon
and the tears keep falling, falling
so much that i assume
in your body theres no room
thats why youre always bawling

This garden lays here with me in the center
Languid and lazy, languish all here who enter  

(my feet planted firmly, im now growing complacent, cause the water is cool and sweet when it rains)

The grass sprouts in soft and the flowers are blooming
The daze of the heat here becomes, all-consuming

(though withered stems once stuck out of the dirt, ive noticed the flowers heads are starting to come in)

The warmth of the sun seems to lull and soothe
a slow beating heart, the troubles of youth

(it seems ive neglected to pull up the weeds)

The dirt remains damp from a rain shower long past
It feels cool against my skin, as sleep closes in fast

(but the flowers are coming in so prettily, and i am becoming quite sleepy)

Let me build a nest inside your chest, love
Let me build a home inside your heart
let me fit right in between your ribs, love
Make it so that we can never part


There's a pretty bird inside my chest
Locked in an ivory cage of bone
And it flutter flutter flutters to your song
I think that she might want to sing along



Somewhere in your body
Is a cherry blossom tree
Your mouth continuously spills petals
so amongst your branches my bird settles

In a world where Pluto is warmth
And space ripples endlessly beyond her feet
That silly alien cried
Because her chest was made of mostly dark matter
And even Nobody circled out of her orbit

In a world where the heavens are empty
A little girl threw herself
Down down down towards the earth
And the stars clawed her as she fell
Scraping at flimsy skin but she smiled
Because she was so warm
So warm
And she crashed head first
Into the arms of the earth


And her chest fluttered with stars
The people who loved her
Said it was so beautiful
How unearthly she was
And she laughed
And laughed and laughed
Because here the stars are close
The sun is so warm
Her eyes
Are so warm

Somethings in the air
feels like there’s something
In my heart
Fall’s creeping in, love
I can feel spring depart

My ribs won’t get frosty
So don’t think you’re so special
Your loss won’t cost me
My flowers, my petals

Winter isn’t coming in yet
I hate to inform
Think I’ve just got chilly, love
Think I’ve just lost what makes me feel so warm
“So warm, I feel so warm”
She said with eyes on your form
“Cold, I’m not quite cold”
As you slipped out her hold

Think nothing of it, this isn’t like frostbite
You’ll never see my heart go white
With snow, with frost, with ice
Couldn’t care less, I guess
That’s just my mortal vice

Winter isn’t creeping in, love
I hate to let you know
I think my heart’s just chilled, love
Not sad
I’m just, so-so
Winter isn’t coming in yet
I hate to inform
Think I’ve just got chilly, love
Think I’ve just lost what makes me feel so warm

She was a bit like the moon

Shining with borrowed happiness
and glowing with light that wasn't her own

But

the moment she felt unloved
she sank beneath the horizen
dark once more

I will adorn my arms and legs with bracelets and jewels
I will let my hair grow out and fall to my ankles in pools
Because I am so lovely lovely lovely
I will dress my body with silk cloths and sweet perfumes
And place upon my head a crown of pretty, fragrant blooms
Because I will treat this form lovingly

Like the leaves crunching under my feet
Like little kids yelling into the night “trick or treat!”
Crisp and mischievous
Yet
Mellow and sober
I imagine that’d you’d be like October

I’m angry with you. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of feeling so small and disregarded. You’re so big. You use your size to stomp me into submission. You’re a bully. The little get picked on and the rebellious are punished. The hate bubbles up in my throat and I become exhausted.

I wish I was seven feet tall and if anyone dared talk back to me I’d beat them till they shut up. I’d scream at them and smack them over the head and if they cry it’s their fault and they deserve more. Like you. I hate it when you scream and even more than that I hate that you can’t admit your faults and refuse to grow up. There’s no light in your eyes, no brightness in your heart, and your soul remains dull and ugly. I pray God forgives you, and I pray He gives me the ability to forgive you too.

as cynical as I am, my love,
my heart is but a girl's
your easy smile and your soft voice
makes something inside me unfurl
like the petals of a rosebud eager to bloom
and ****** you with its sweet perfume
i hate to admit it
but i know im quite vapid
[if you're kind to me]
then i'll fall rapid[ly]
gambling my heart like
i've nothing to lose
i pour out prose
for an unwitting muse

O Witty boy, my Odysseus
I've never known a love like this
I know, I know, you're not my man
But I'll take your love however I can

Comfort me, Lord, my soul is distraught
My mind overwhelmed with all I am not
My body succumbing to destruction and rot
I’m aching aching aching

My Lord, my Lord, my soul aches to feel your presence
Please, allow me some rest
Allow me a little happiness
If you see fit, I’m longing for peace, and only you truly bring peace of mind, allow my soul to find contentment, bring rest to my tired flesh my Lord I long for the rest only your love can bring, because I feel beat down and worn

My body is battered, flesh beat down and worn
My mind day after day dwells only on their scorn
My God, My God, I curse the day I was born

How derivative, how done before
To curse the day your mother bore you
You collapse and cry and beg no more
These Earthly trials are just not for you
If you won't step into my shoes
I'll make you walk in them till you're bleeding
If you can't feel what I am feeling
I'll make you regret all you've been seeding

I'll cut you up and **** you so you'll see
just exactly what you've done to me

[did god make You without a heart? did he make You in his image? or did you take that mantle yourself?
tell me, is it blasphemy to make Yourself greater than the divine? I hate you. I think I might really hate you. I wish I was dead.]

A girls beauty only exists as an extant form of a decay
The ****** gets down on her knees
to pray
that God delivers her a good good man
to come, and demand, for her hand in marriage
A girls beauty will never exist as long as her lips haven’t tasted true love’s kiss
her legs are long and bare and
her face is rosy, fair
and that silky hair can be wound around his rough calloused fingers
The beauty of girlhood is being used
Desiring love and being pursued
And if he doesn’t think I’m beautiful? Do I have any worth at all?
Lost innocence is a beauty (a sweet sweet tragedy) so utterly unattainable, (only for those girls with their blue bell eyes and their waif-ish thighs) I’m left to wonder
am I even a woman
at all?

the sting of first love felt a million times over
i lay in my bed and dream you’re my lover
pluck all the leaves off a  four-leafed clover
so unlucky in love and ill never recover because
i stand in my feelings as they pool to my chin
i stand, and i wallow, and i never give in
unwavering heart, never worn on my sleeve
if i say how I feel, sweet boy, would you leave?
heart has fallen a million times
love has been given over a million lives
that childishly innocent rush
of a sweet school girl crush
tug my hair behind my ear and i feel my face flush
over and over and over
my feet are glued to the floor, and i simply do not have the courage to move forward

My button up shirts and
too baggy jeans
5 foot little kid with a face real mean

Those clunky platforms add a
weight to my feet
Five foot little kid with a smile so sweet


I’ve been drawing hearts in the sand
Ripping petals off all the flowers
I can get my hands on
(Pretty girl, pretty girl)
And I
Like to smile at my reflection
some reflecting, some introspection
my smile doesn’t look that sweet anymore




Beautiful
Love is only meant for people who’re
Beautiful, I think

Yea, I really do like
dancing in the kitchen, to ballroom lullabies
and looking into your eyes (pretty boy, pretty boy)
sitting in the park till the suns fallen from the sky
and living a life with you by my
side

but I’m afraid living that life is only meant for
beautiful people

its near nine and the kids are antsy
mom needs a nap before she can make dinner
mom is tired
the kids are hungry
mom feels sad and im in the kitchen

big big girl and her words are bigger
Presumptuous, precocious, pompous little ****.
If you can talk like a grown woman, I’ll hit you like you’re a grown woman.
she never means it
the kids feel antsy
if i keep crying like that ill upset them
why don’t you care if
you upset me?


Except
I’m not upset anymore
and my mom isn’t all that tired either
I’ve planted a flower garden and taken up baking, actually
Mom smiles so often too, but
she just feels like a stranger to me

I could coat this love with chocolate
But, love, that wont stop the rot of it
No matter what I do
You’re still gonna decay
So nothing should stop me from walking away
All these proud words, I’ll still stay
Wouldn’t it not matter for you
either way?

Cause a heart like yours that’s slowly deteriorating
I can promise you, love, is more than infuriating
You trample my flowers
No words, no guilt
I’ll grow them again just to watch them wilt
I’ll grow them and you’ll ruin all that I’ve built
Let’s just cover this heart with a chocolate gilt

And then, replace my soil with
Soiled confections
All in the name of earning
Your bitter affections

So little, so fragile
Sweet pretty girl
Slender thighs
Big doe eyes
and long silky curls
that fall to an itty bitty waist
I wish to be that small and cute
and hardly take up space

Yes, I wish my body were so small
that I’d collapse into myself
and disappear
I’d fit into your world, I’d fit into your pocket
So tiny you could set me in a locket and carry
me close to your breast
Perhaps, if I look like a girl
You’d finally see me as woman
Then I could see myself as one too
and the world would think I’m lovely

Delicate princess, angelita
Say I’m your little ******
I’m sensitive you know
So love me gently (you never do)

I’m sorry, sir, for speaking to you
With my tongue only ever in my cheek
But I love you, oh I do

And I’m sorry, ma’am, for speaking to you
With my tongue grasped in my teeth
I spoke my blood, but oh! you were loved

(I wonder if they'll forgive those sins?)

Im sorry, I am, how could I ever apologize?
You trusted me, but I let that die
And I know an apology can’t suffice
I’m sorry, I guess a lot of things die

(No matter what, I love you)

And when I finally go to sleep
What will happen to my soul?
I wonder, will I drown in a river of gold?

Will there be rest in my sleep?
I wonder if it’s like I’ve been told
Oh, I’m holding out for a river of gold


(My eyes are looking away, I’m sorry!)
(Remember me, please? My eyes are closed)

...

i try to accept that i’ll walk around with this emptiness in me forever
maybe when you mishandled my soft clay body, you left holes within me that can’t be filled
ive never once grown up, have i?
im scared day in and day out, one wrong move
and my aged and hardened body will shatter

the hands that formed me were loving
soft caresses sculpted me into a beautiful being, the image of the divine
entrusted in the arms of children, my malleable body was abused
and mishandled  
so i hardened into an ugly ugly thing
gentler, i beg, because im not as soft as i used to be
if you toss me around like that ill surely shatter under the weight of ur anger
i am not the image of my Father
but a reflection of the devils He left me in the care of
you are all i’ll ever be, aren’t you? i see you in me, you’re in me, more and more everyday and my insides collapse at the weight of your sins
and your father’s sins
and his father’s sins
weren’t you supposed to protect me? your hatred has warped my soul into an unsalvageable, unloveable thing, i know it too well
i once thought that my Father delighted in molding my soul in His image
that He gave me His hands, and His ability to create beautiful things
now i know these hands will only destroy
like you did to me

Everything that once was mine now somehow is his
I even changed my lip balm so I wouldn’t taste those kisses
The vanilla bean flavor just brings me back to when I was yours
I’m the only thing of mine you don’t want anymore, so

I don’t wanna belong to me, love, just you, only you
Won’t you tell me? What it is I have to do to
to get you off my mind (what’s mine is yours and yours is mine)
Cuz rn I fear my mind and heart is occupied
By just you, love, only only you

My whole mood is pink lemonade
One minute, melancholy,
next got me swayed
into sweet besitos, my love sugar-free
I'll dilute this taste with cold iced tea

Your smile
Comparable to every ray of light
Your eyes
Glimmering with the twinkles of the night

You you you
are the sun and the stars
and you you you
are my favorite by far


Though in truth, I don't give a **** about the stars in the sky
The one I'll always love the most is the one close by
Sure, there are plenty of stars that have more light to give
But the sun is the only star I'll ever really need to live


You don't know, but your gravitational pull is so strong
No matter what, I always find myself strung along

Girls as sweet as cream, as pastries
wispy, airy, baby fairy
Weeping girls with their lovely flushed cheeks
I stand before you and my knees grow weak
I stand before you, and my soul grows meek
Do you see my heart shatter like a dropped antique?
Cuz I’m small, but not dainty
Small, not faint of heart
too loud, too much, not enough and I know
You’d much better love a girl as sweet as apple ****
Cuz how can I be your Ophelia when my tragedy isn’t piteous?
and how could I be worth loving
if my body is so, so hideous?
Or if my lips aren’t kissable? My heart not worth devouring?
What beauty does a young girl have if she’s not worth deflowering?

A pretty, puffy, lavender dress tight-fitting to her tummy
Seated at a plastic chair chomping on treats oh-so-yummy!
Plump lips slathered in clear lip gloss and a couple cupcake crumbs
She smiles at me, says 'pull up a seat', and I'm sure this'll be fun


Dolls and teddy bears, teeny plastic cups filled with kiddie tea
Batting long lashes and adoring eyes, she directs attention on me


A cloud of cotton candy perfume hangs in the air as she gushes
I compliment her party, and she looks away and blushes


"lets not talk about me, how about Bear?"
Taps his head "he's got all the latest gossip up there"
I laugh, "How about you, little one, any stories to tell?"
She pauses for a moment, bites her lip, "well..."


She's trembling, I see, it comes out in a stream
"There's lots of stuff I'm not supposed to tell about mommy."

"But ***** said she once lost three babies, where did they go?
and once upon she didn't eat, how'd ***** know?
I've got a lot of baby fat as well, take a peek
And maybe I'd be as pretty as mommy if I didn't eat."


"Mommy never pays attention to me, cause ***** cuts her wrist
We never play anymore now, I always get dismissed...
I was once in the room, you know, I watched her bleed
And there's some blades in this carpet now, it's terrifying."

"Also, did you know daddy's never home?
He's got a new.. girlfriend now.. and a house of his own
Mommy's still his wife so thats weird I think
It's also nice, when he was here all he did was hit and scream."

"But it makes mommy cry, I don't want to see her sad
and her and ***** always fight, why're they so mad?
Mommy's so upset with me too, I'm afraid she'll run away
Hey, is it my fault if my mommy doesn't stay?"


Bitter tea sweetened with the slow drip of tears
Aloud, this little girl has voiced my worst fears
I push away my chair, prepared to walk out
Her lips begin to purse into a childish pout


"I knew it! I knew it! I should've never even told!
I won't tell anyone ever again! Get out! Just go!"
.

(Your hands, they crafted me with so much love)

It was Your knuckles that kneaded the clay I was formed from
and Your fingers that tenderly pressed in the planes of my face
My temples shaped with the meticulous strokes of Your thumb
My body molded by Your palms and cradled in her Father’s embrace
How glorious, how intimate! the moment You created me for You
That Yours was the first face I opened my eyes to
My God, You know me and
You love me

(Ego as fragile as the gossamer wings of a fairy
I stood nose to nose with a child, quite contrary)

Everything I do is in fear of him and her
Stick up my chin
To prove to them I’m not so immature

slinking beneath shimmery  skin
Aching and breaking
I’m overwhelmed by these  emotions

One at a time and they each consume me
Body so small,  when they run through me
All my hate
And this fear
Bitterness, despair, and distress
All my love, my ecstasy

All of my happiness

I can only really feel the one.


You say I’m a[censored] and to[redacted]
Then you say
I deserve it cause the way that I’ve acted

Hate to know myself when disconcert
It’s too much (I’m in pain!)
I’m tired of this needless, childish hurt

It's been so long since I fell in love I'm afraid I don't have a heart
It's been so long since I've written of a man like a work of art
Wasn't I your ingenue?
Your sweet treat angel muse
You'd press your lips so hard upon my skin it'd leave a bruise
My lover, I could sketch the angles of your face all day long
and you could sing me a song, my Orpheus
Throat coated in honey, put it under my tongue
Hypnotize me till I'm helplessly sprung and strung along
I can't recall I can't recall (the last time I fell in love)
I wonder I wonder did I love you at all?

Press your fingertips upon my heart and leave a mark
I'll heal within a month, forget we ever loved
Did I love you at all? Does your heart bear the markings of a turbulent changeling, a lover worth singing of?
Did I dream you up? A pathetic school girl's fantasy
O my darling, draw me away

You **** me, so softly, so gently
Till my senses have left me
(Have your eyes always been so soft ?)
You’re looking, so intently
Who knew it would affect me?

No matter where I am, or what I do
Inevitably my thoughts turn to you
And no matter how hard,  I try not to
My head is filled with only you you you

This body of mine has started to feel like a vase
Night time comes and I become listless
Filling myself up with distractions
To pretend
I was never empty in the first place
My chest has a cavity and it
Aches like my teeth
whenever I chew something sweet
The next song has come and gone and
it feels so fatal
to contain this much of nothing.
everything but my brain is vacant
And even then
You still think I’m airheaded

i could cry an ocean’s worth of tears and collect them in a bowl
just to prove how deep my love would go
could reach deep into my throat and pull out my bleeding soul
my love
just name what i gotta do
to prove that ill be true

i think i could kiss you if i got high enough
and thats an issue, thats a danger to my self esteem
really, i insist you dont entertain me
i get so foolish when you let me daydream
[might just **** around and make a problem]
its anguish, the thought of ur hands at my throat
thoughts of you all seem so sweet
sitting beside you, our shoulders are brushing
sneaking glances i pray are discreet
[your lips, your hair, it all makes me stare]
you’re so pretty i think i could fall in love
and im so scared of what you think of me
that i cant meet your eyes, cant relax at all
cant stop chewing on my lips thinking what could be.

you make me want to lay my love in the sweaty palm of your hand
look what you've done to me *******
make me wanna bare it all because i know that you'd understand
my love
just name what i gotta do
to prove i could love you

There’s a pressure building up behind my eyes
Will I release it if I cry? Will I release it if I die?
There’s a shakiness in his hands, in my hands
There’s a shakiness in the word ‘goodbye’

I’ve got fear, in puddles and petals
I sense men who disturb and unsettle
They lurk by my feet, they eat and eat
And threaten to make my body a vessel

And the devil is crawling between my lips
Offering me wine, offering me sips
Hands covering ears, chest covered in fears
My head feels heavy as it all takes a dip

Lover, this fear, it swallows me whole
Lover, this fear, is taking its toll
It’s pooling between
My stomach
My spleen
Asphodels made smears of white in
the green
Sighs of the grass as my feet
gently kills it
This heart beating quick till His hand gently stills it
The stillness, fulfillment that’s
Peaceful and smothering
suffering won’t matter when
you realize it’s
Nothing
I look to my lover and see only shade
I’m looking for you
As your face slowly fades
From my mind, from memory
It’s all fading out

What once was a picture
Is losing shape
With beautiful colors
That blur on the page
It won’t fit between the lines
And the image starts to fade


Yet I’m beginning to realize
There’s art in my mistake

Love can leave your heart in a little less than a year
It can fade away like spring snowflakes and completely disappear
Or dry up and leave not a scab or a scar
Yes, it's incredible how quickly love will leave your heart
With absence comes apathy that grows the further you are
So I plant tulip bulbs and hope for a fresh start

I will not fold my hands and let it
be as it may
So I adjust my skirts and stroll off
to seek out the day
I won't wait for you to love me, I'll just
capture the sun
and fasten it's rays to my beaming heart
so I might shine my love on someone else

Against you my heart continues to harden
But my love shall blossom into a beautiful garden
with roots that reach down way past my toe tips
and admirers who come and water my tulips
Friends who stroke the petals but never pluck my flowers
who lay beside me and talk for hours and hours, basking
in the warmth of loving and being loved.

You make my head turn to gelatin
Shake my heart, rattle my skeleton
A simple word, suddenly fell again
And maybe I’d confess if I wasn’t quite so hesitant

This one’s on me, love, I’m as stiff as a mannequin
Maybe we’d get somewhere if I loosened up now and then
Maybe I’d get somewhere if I grabbed your hand and then
Started things off with an easy
“Hello!”
But that’s hard to pull off when your heart feels like Jell-O

If I let myself alone for even a second
things might slow, and I'll go reckon
With the **** that I pulled
The **** that I did
Don't have that energy
I'll sleep instead

This couch is so cold, your arms even more so
Still
I let them wrap 'round my torso
Don't think I'm in love, know you're not either
Otherwise, love, wouldn't you leave her?
But maybe I can't and that's just the thing
Everyone's heart is controlled by red strings
But mine just feels lonely
Mines just afraid
I've never had ludus feel like more than a fling

Hallow like a vase, I'm pouring all this water onto the floor
All the flowers put in me are rotted they're no more
Since when have I been so self-centered?
Since when were you such a bore?
All the little delightful things lately feel like such a ******* chore
Throw myself down and break this body to pieces
Anything at all if this tedium ceases
Anything, anything, anything at all
Anything at all if I could somehow cease this..
..this overwhelming feeling of frustration.

Chased winds blow forever, do they ever get tired?
Does the watchful sun remember a toiler ever satisfied?
Is he satisfied with his lot in life? Am I? Am I?
I can't recall the last time I cried
I told you I loved you I lied I lied I lied
I'd break your heart into shards if this tedium ceased
Pierce my flesh with those shards if it meant I'm released
from this fragile desolation, my lack of love for you
Would someone please tell me where my heart ran off to?