Afraid

It's an apology I don't want to give

It's a regret I'm disappointed about

It's me worrying what I can't do

It's describing a feeling I do not want to express

It means I am filled with fear that shouldn't be there

Scared

It's not formal

It's something that I can't hide, but can lie about

It's something that happen in the past

It means im on to something greater

It's an instinct that can destroy you

Living in fear because of what happened in the past

Destined to ruin the present

But everything I want

Is on the other side of fear

Fear

The energy that contracts

Fear

Being scared or afraid

I hold my breath

Because I don't want to hear myself catch up

There wasn't any signs it was there

Yet I can feel it staring at me

Can still feel the hand around my ankle

The pain of it's hand around my throat

The dryness in my mouth from screaming

I'll stare straight up and keep my eyes open

You would think I would be use to it by now

But it seem worse every night

I'm scared to move my head to see the time

So I lay there waiting on my alarm

Alcohol.



Bet that got your attention.
In alcohol's defense

I've done some pretty dumb **** while completely sober too.

I know the thoughts

that are twerking in your head right now.

This ***** is crazy.

So are you.

If you're not

then why the hell are you reading this?

Gone?

Now that the insane remain, may I continue?

You are here reading my story for a reason.

Because your crazy

and the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world

are the ones who do.

No, these are not my words.

These are very words he told me.

Yeah, he told this crazy *****

that she can change the world.

She didn't believe him.

And I didn't.
Impossible.

He's just quoting after Steve Jobs.

(RIP).

The only reasons everyone loves quotes

is because they know it isn't reality.

Reality.

The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealism ornotional ideal of them.

Yes, my fellow crazy *****,

I googled it.

My reality?

The things I want to happen.

The things that happen when I don't want them to.

Not my reality.

So the sane people?

Not real.

So insane?

My reality.

My reality?

It's insane.

This is my story.

Letting the Light Burn
Flashing stars in an empty room

Say it louder

Turning around around the way I've been taught
Lights Burn and Flashing
Classical piano slower

Say it louder

Another happy thought
Turning the universe around me in my room
Dancing with the stars on my ceiling
It's you
Everyone has a hard day sometimes
You would know more than most
You will never tell with the smile on your face
No one can guess the pain you felt

Say it louder!

Another happy thought
I feel you
I see you living long
No hiding behind the door!
But opening the window for me to join

Say it louder

Another happy thought
Somehow morphing into your shadow
In a way becoming more like you while keeping who I am
Running low
Start to lose my sense of home
Then it's you

Say it louder

Another happy thought
I want eternity
Don't give me a thing
Faces on film is all I see

Say it louder

Another happy thought
You can tell the world now
That it's all gone and now it's all here
Please

Say it louder

Another happy thought

How are you?
I'm fine.

Liar.
How?

You just are.
Oh.

It's just when do I get to talk to you?
Why don't we talk everyday anymore?

......
Why won't you answer?
......


How are you?
I'm fine.

Liar. Your pants is on fire.
How?

It just is.
Oh.

It's just when do I get to talk to you?
Why don't we talk everyday anymore?


......
Why won't you answer? Say something, please?!
......


How are you?
I'm fine.

Are you sure?
You already know. I tell you all the time.

........
I'm sorry. I won't tell you what's wrong anymore.

Destroy the reasons trees sacrificed itself

Its that feeling I get when I look in his eyes  and I wait for that feeling I get when I look to any one else's eyes and want to automatically look away, but I was drawn to them. It might sound like off a romance book, but that **** actually exists.
I couldn't look away, even as I felt my face getting hot and know I was blushing, I couldn't do it until he did it first.

And all that probably lasted seconds felt like minutes.

FEAR DOESN'T SHUT ME DOWN

it wakes me up.

I AM NOT A DESPERATE UNSTEADY CHILD WHO THROWS HER TRUST AROUND.

I

AM

NOT

DAMAGED.

i hate feeling confuse, so i just avoid it, even if it means avoiding the one thing you want most.

Now i feel even more confused, and i HATE it.

Can't pay respect when you don't have any.

Dead people can be our heroes because they can't disappoint us later, they only improve over time, as we forget more and more about them.

sometimes its perfect to be damaged.

WHAT SOMEONE TOLD ME:

You don't believe things because they make your life better, you believe them because you know its true.

WHAT I THINK?:

but isn't looking at the result of a belief a good way of evaluating it's true?

"so small as to be negligible"

Its strange, but there's something in that thought that makes me feel almost...free....almost.

Walking up
Not time to get up
Waking up
Not time
Cloudy day
Makes you wanna ****
Build it in
In till the full moon
Hold it in
Doesn't work
The formation coming
You have change
Sake up again
****** mess around you
Don't no what to do
Walk home naked
It's what you do
Getting over
The latest darkness hour

Why is it me?
When there are others to choose from,
What makes you see me?
Different then I see myself,
Why do you define me wrong?
Why don't you see me,
How I see me?
Why can't I see,
How you see me?
I am define as broken,
You define it perfect,
I define myself pathetic,
You define it as caring a lot,
You don't see me,
As I see myself,
When the door is shut,
You can't see me,
Why do you define me so differently?

Dissapointment
Comes and goes
Condiment
Just flows
No one cares
They just walk away
It just like rotten pairs
Distastful
Scream for help
Nobody turns
Then a dog yelp
Then they turn
When i talk
Nobody listen
Im just a wall
A petition
Everything an obstical
Absruction, impediment, hindrace
A barrier
A trouble
It's distress
It's frustation
Sometimes iys anxity
Sometimes its shy but insucure
No diligence
No perseruance
No industry
No vigor
No carefulness
No intensity
No attention
No care
Not evedigent or painstacking
It's all
Its dissappointment

I wonder if fear even really goes away,
or if they just lose their power over us.

In some parts of the ancient world,
the hawk symbolizes the sun.
So if i always have a picture of a hawk on me,
i will always have the sun on me,
so i wouldn't be afraid of the dark.

I was afraid of the dark,
now it reminds me of the fear I've overcame.

Having done this in a long time
I hanger been on a play date
My mom is making me do this
Going on a stupid play date
Little baby made me play with blocks
Little baby made me dress up
Little baby don't understand
I'm too big
I'm too big
Little baby took out some ribbons
Fleeing and fluttering
Look so beautiful
I have to try
Little baby look surprise
But I couldn't resist
All the colors
twisting turning
Fluttering
Fleeing
Beautiful
Feeling young again

i..

Write poetry that doesn't deserve to be written in ink.

i..

Dream about things that i know won't happen but still hope.

i..

Don't see my future at all even though i talk about it all the time.

i..

Hold my breathe every night before i go to sleep until i see black spots and act like i see the corner of death.

i..

Am aware that the only thing i am so sure about makes me terrified.

i..

Never been so scared.

i..

Never been so accepting.

i..

Never been so found and lost at the same time.

i..

Continue to act to some people's eyes.

i..

Don't know.

It usually starts with a stare
Then the water comes
So much all at once
Your next instinct is to run
But instead you drop
And let it come through you like a wave
You grab both sides of your face
Trying to make sure your still in one peace
Then you starting to mumble as you remember
"No"
"I won't be able to handle it"
Like a chant.
Then you start yelling.
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
Then as you start to calm down
You start thinking again
Then realized that you broke.

The past couple weeks
I can barely go a day
without crying and it ****** me off so much.
It ****** me off
that I can't fix whatever is going on
and that i feel like
its my fault you won't talk to me about it.

I hate worrying
every single night
hoping your not doing something t
hat could end up with me losing you.

I don't like the fact that one day
i'll get use to you not replying.

Like i told you.
I'm not happy unless you are.

And right now,
even as I am writing this
I FEEL LIKE ****.

I can't think of losing you

Just thinking about it brings water to my eyes

you became me

you are my life,
whither or not
you want something to do with me
or not

Right now I'm living in complete torture

Not being able to talk to you because right now your mad at me

and even though i know i did nothing wrong
i want to apologize on my freaking knees
because i cant stand the fact of you hating me.

I CANT

now im crying again

i know you wont never see this,
because knowing myself
i wont show you

but probably after a month of dating you

i wanted to tell you so freaking bad

i think about it every time you text me "i miss you"

i know you cant love now

i understand

but i knew i was done for

when i realized that i love you

and i love it

but no one told me it would so much torture

i cant stand you not talking to me

i cant stand not being able to see you

god if you could see me now

i want to tell you
so bad let you know
how much i love you

i love you

so ******* much

i want to scream it

you dont have to say it back

but i want you to know

how do i let you know

I remember the time you texted me
and ask if it was weird that i miss you

I probably wont never tell you this
but then i thought you was just playing around with me

Every guy i talked to
i usually play with them
then just dropped them without a blink

Ill talk to them because they they say they like me
and when i feel like they are about to ask me out,
i stop talking to them.

as a matter of fact
the day you ask for my number
i was talking to two other people.
dropped both of them within that week.

i never took relationships serious before you

when you asked me for my number
that was what i thought u was gonna do

just flirt them leave me alone

i thought i was gonna do the same

but god what did you do to me

you texted me good morning the next day

i didnt even know how to reply

and you texted me goodnight that night

and before i knew it
i was use to waking up to your texts

another thing i probably wont never tell
you was that i love you before you even asked me out

I was that person that always says **** love
i dont need that

now it feel like i cant go a day without you

god im so worried about you right now

you was really mad at me
and i dont understand
why you dont believe me

it hurts so bad that you would think that

what did i do wrong for you to think that

im ******* dying

I lie a lot

but your the only person
EVER
where i havent even told a single lie to

it shocks me but i cant bring myself to it

i need to talk to you

look in your amazing breath taking eyes

and tell you
I WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU

i couldn't even if i tried

  i hate it that your mad at me

its killing me

god its killing me

and you havent texted in so long

like every night the last  'couple weeks

but this time its different

your mad at me

god

i cant stand it

I know.
It's sad knowing that I love others more than I love myself.
I hate to see others in pain.
But when it comes to me
I'm fine.
I know.
Saying I'm fine is a girl's biggest lie. I know.
I am not fine
I hide all my agony in the words I'm fine.
Honestly, I hold in a lot.
When I'm upset, I really don't like to tell anyone.
Especially the person who made me that way.
No matter how much anyone asks,
The answer will always be "I'm fine."
Even if it's not true.
I know.
The truth may hurt for a little while,
But a lie hurts forever. I know.
That's what I tell all who I care about.
I know.
I care too much about people that don't give a **** about me.
I know.
If you care too much you are going to get a **** load of hurt.
I know if you never care you will never learn the life lesson.
I know.
I see it all,
Everyday.
I know
I try not to focus so **** much on needing someone,
And focus on being the one someone needs.
I know I am blind.
I know I'm afraid.
And it hurts that I can't be.
What everyone wants
Or that anyone needs
And it hurts that I can't be
What I want or what I need
Because I'm not enough
I won't be enough
And I'll never be close to enough
And I'm just so **** tired.
But guess what?
I'm fine.

Imagination game
Is it real
It's in my head
I'm screaming that it's not
I imagine what would happen if it was
I can feel water in my eyes
I can feel the sob building up
And I hear myself speaking to God
Something I never really do
And I'm begging and asking
And I'm hoping I'm not sobbing
If this is how I act just thinking about it
I know I'm done for if it is...
I think I'll be a zombie
Alive but not
So please God
Don't let this be an imagination game
I don't want to be an imagination game

sleep at night
a peaceful sleep
drifting into dreams
not talk
not real
see pictures of my family
drifting slowly on by
all that display
darkness come
see my class mates
see.my crush
run away
no use
not the same feelings
as I love him with
unfortunately
he doesn't follow
as I wish he would
darkness falls again
on top of a building
running towards the edge
fly off fly with the birds
then I fall
darkness falls
in a flip lacking put
in a flaming pit
burning my skin off
wakes up
still can feel
just a dream
just a dream

She stood in the mist,
waiting for him.

Always in the same place.
He always asks the same question,
"What do you want me to do?"
She never answered.
She couldn't.

All she could do was stare,
reaching toward him with her gaze alone,
pulling him down in the sorrow of those depthless black pools.

It hurts
Looking at what you've become
You still have the same eyes
That filled with determination and light
You still have the same laugh
That used to fill a empty room with character
You still have the same smile
That was so sincere
Yet your so different
It hurts
Looking into your eyes
Seeing where there was my reason of hope now seem like empty pits
It hurts
Hearing the same laugh stop short
As if its forced
Seeing the same smile
So strain and unreal that you can't even call it fake
It hurts
Seeing what you have become
Seeing someone with so much light
Be in so much pain
Seeing someone you known your whole life
Become someone you don't even know
Knowing you can't do anything
It hurts

Keep going.

That pain you feel?

That's fear melting off like wax from a candle.

That's weakness washing out of you pores like a monsoon.

That's the old you being shed away like dead skin.

It's the new you rising out of the old you into your better former self.

Keep going.

Life have happiness
Life have laughter
life has love
life has joy

but life also has sorrow
life has tears
life have mourning
life have fears

life is good
life is bad
whichever you follow
life is life

life doesn't always have a bad life
it only matters on how your spending
but if you put your life on Jesus Christ
then He will do the fending

so either way you choose to live life
there is always choices to be made
is it Hell or is it God
life is life

I remember the bed just floating there.

Apart, apart, apart, apart.

If you repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning

For example:

Homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework

See, nothing

Our existence?

It's the same way.

You watch the sun set too often, it just becomes 6 PM

You make the same mistake over and over

you'll stop calling it a mistake

If you just

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,

one day you'll forget why

Nothing is forever

I last saw my mom when I was four years old

Before the last argument they sent me off to the neighbor's house,

like some astronaut jettisoned from the shuttle.

When I came back there was no gravity in our home, beds floating

I imagined it as an accident, that when I left

We whispered to each other "I love you" so many times over

that they forgot what it meant

Family, family, family, family, family, family

If you repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning

This became my favorite game

It made the sting of words evaporate.

Separation, separation, separation;

see, nothing

Apart, apart, apart;

see, nothing

I am an injured person now

I work with words all day

Shut up, I know the irony

When I was young, I was taught that the trick to dominating language

was breaking it down

Convincing it that it was worthless

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..

...See, nothing

Soon after I left I developed a stutter

Fate is a cruel and efficient tutor

There is no escape in stutter

You feel the meaning of every word drag itself up your throat

S-s-s-separation

Stutter is a cage made of mirrors

Every "Are you ok?"

Every "What'd you say?"

Every "Come on kid, spit it out"

Is a glaring reflection you cannot escape

Every terrible moment skips upon its own announcement

Over and over until it just hangs there,

floating in the middle of the room

Mom, ........

....Dad?

I am not wasteful with my words anymore.

Even now after hundreds of hours of practicing away my stutter,

I still feel the claw of meaning in the bottom of my throat.

I have heard that even in space;

You can hear the scratching of a

I-I-I-I love you.

I start with my left hand.
On the one finger.
On the fourth D going up.
I create the rhythm.
Humming long with it
, the same tone,
boring but safe.
Where I am comfortable.
Where I think I am happy.

Then my right hand starts.
Higher.
On the fourth D going down
. Almost the same rhythm as the left,
but so much more.
It changed.
The keys changed and the tone changed
. Majestically and brave and forever changing in excitement.
Out my comfort zone,
but craving to be by its side.

The left follows along with the right,
two different sounds. One bringing the other life,
giving it melody.

That's what you are to me.
My melody.

"The difference between you and me
is when you wake up
your nightmare ends,
while mines begins."


Thinking
is like being trapped in your own mind
with everything you ever had a problem with,
left to dwell on it
until you think your going insane

But again you are only confined by the walls you hold yourself

I don't think I ever knew myself

I'm just saying aloud my honest thoughts

I think part of me was put away on the highest shelf

Even when my mind took a full picture of my personality

It was somehow still cropped and filtered

I have these moments when I wish the ground will just take me

And I have times when I wished I could fly and be swallowed by the clouds

And those moments where it feels like something is holding onto me in my chest

Right next to wear my heart is

I don't know if its a good thing

Or if its something similar to hell itself

It could depend on my choice

Sometimes I imagine by body similar to a capsule

Just a place where I'm at for the time being

I realized that I am horrid at making decisions

Always changing my mind

never making up my mind

never know what I want

or who I am

I don't think I ever knew myself

Once upon a time,

Before a story began,

Memories were made,

Love resides,

Laughter never ended.

Once upon a time,

There wasn't an end,

Always a beginning,

There were no such thing as 'in the end',

Even when you felt it coming,

You always go back

and stay in the same..

Once upon a time,

Time was free and priceless,

Unable to be owned,

Unable to keep,

Unable to spend,

Time was more valuable than money.

Once upon a time,

The end was never pushed at,

But the present time was never right,

As if going back and redo,

Was as easy as buying your own time,

As if reaching end only meant a better,

Once upon a time.

People change.
I realized that in the last couple of years.
I watch some of the best people in my life I once loved grow into something else.
Or someone else.
It's weird watching the people you knew before you was even able to walk grow into someone else.
I know everyone goes through it.
Maturity.
And not everyone turns out what you thought. Maybe my problem was that I wanted everything to stay the same. A safe zone I guess you could call it.

I realized there are two different things you can change into. Or two different roads you could say. Or the simple good vs bad. Maybe it's the coincidence that everyone I grew up with took the opposite direction I thought they would of never went. I talked to my Dad once about change. How I told him that seeing people change hurts. He told me seeing people change isn't what hurts, it remembering what they use to be. And I have to be honest that was one of the few times I didn't argue back. I realized he was right. I hated what the people I once called my life turn into something I hate. So pretty much the people I know became people I knew. It's really funny too when they told you many times that they aren't going to be something, surprise us both, and do what they said they wouldn't do.

But there's one thing I'm afraid of. What if the person I was so sure I knew, the person I knew before  I was even born wasn't even the person I thought I knew, but instead they took off a mask. That they didn't change, they just revealed who they really are. I think I would rather think they changed then they revealed.


Or maybe people don't change, but their priorities do.


In the end though, it's hard to watch people change, and it's harder remembering.


But recently I learned that people also change to better themselves. I learned that life is about changing for the better. If you had to let go of some people along the way, then go ahead. Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control in what you do have power over. I always known that I couldn't change people's decisions. But I could change mines. Even though I'm still figuring out things for myself, I know I'm in control in the road I want to take.


Now the funny part is I just need to take my own advise I'm giving myself instead of being scared.

Apparently being stupid is a smart decision.....? That doesn't even make sense and it ****** me off to even think what it could mean when really it means absolutely nothing.

But common sense tells you being smart helps you make smart decisions, and being idiotic makes you make stupid decisions. But I guess how everything is today the most idiotic person can make perhaps the smartest decisions. Or maybe when it says being stupid as in acting like nothing happens or not seeing anything and keep moving is a smart decision.

"Being stupid is a smart decision"

That ****** me off.

I'm scared
I'm beginning to trust you
Its scaring me
I'm giving you ways to hurt me
Every Single Day
what's strange is
I don't think you will
Maybe
I'm scare because you mean more to me
than any other person.
You are everything I think about.
Everything I want.

Shutter in despair
Crying tears down your face
Stuff you just can't bare
No way I can start this race.

People around,
They can't see me,
secrets all. around,
why can't you tell me.


'It's too dangerous', he said
'It's because I love you', she said
Blasphemy!
It's no worser
than not going in the know

The secrets in the air,
mocking me!
the worse is
there's no going back
once you are in the know

I shake my head
letting the ravenous get to me
I need to know!
Tell me.

But when I am in the know
when it is
revealed
It will change my life forever

In a life full of wonders
worrying about compassion
past full of regrets
dark thoughts full of evil
what have i been thinking?
why have i been thinking it?
but past is past
know that i see that light
realizing how folish it was
now that i see that light
it was worth it

So much  can happen

If you would of ask me what my purpose was some months ago

I wouldn't be able to tell you, I promise you that

I feel as if I can do more

I think my story finally has started

It's like I see everything differently now

Hear everything differently now

Like as if I had ear plugs in my life and only heard the muted sounds

"Just when the caterpillar was beginning her life was over, she began to fly"

This is the part where I find out who I am

And I don't know here I'm going

I don't care where I'm going

But I promise you

I'm on my way

I started thinking.
I stopped ignoring.
I keep things in my mind.
I'm starting to get ****** more.
My smiles isn't fake as much anymore. I'm starting to get confused and I'm questioning too much.

I broke my need to know bases rule.

I'm so use to the same thing. Same routine.

It was my alley and shelter.
And I honestly didn't care. Or mind
But...

I try to make it worth it
Don't you see that im devasted
Try to tell you who I am
Meant for life
cause I'm gonna be me
im gonna be free
But you ignore me
lock up your heart from me
You never let it go free
I beg you
Even go down on my knees
Just listen
Open up your heart for me
that is all i need
you dont let me be happy
its because of you
that im frown upon
every time i stand up
you push me down
But i tell you this know
im stronger now
im wiser now
i dont look back in my past
i go toward the future
but i stand in the present
that is what i nuture
i meant to be me
i meant to befree
and now you lock up in syphony
now im not what i use to be
im here were im meant to be

Described as stuck in the moment

Our time as I call it

Like you don't want to let go

and I don't want you to know

That there might be something

More than I thought

That happens between us

Romeo and Juliet..

BET they never felt the way

I feel for you

I wish we had another time

I wish we had another place

But now  its

Described as stuck in the moment.

And there is nothing my heart can do

But fight with time and place

But now I'm stuck in the moment with you

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way shall falter

Along this stony pass

It's just a moment

This time will pass

Stuck in a moment you can't get out of

Even if I wanted to

You became my time

I read somewhere once that crying defeats scientific explanation.
Tears are only meant to lubricate eyes.
There is no real reason
for the tear glands to over produce tears at the behest of emotion.

I think
we cry to release that animal parts of us
without losing our humanity.

Because inside me
is a beast that snarls
and growls
and strains toward freedom,
toward confusion,
above all,
toward life.

And as hard as i try, i cannot **** it.

So i sobbed into my hands instead.

Drip, dropp Drip
The facet go
creak, creak, creak
the floor boards go
swish, swish, swish
the trees out front go
the sound when your alone

tweet, tweet tweet
the birds go
swoosh swoosh swoosh
the waves go
swoosh whoosh swoosh
the cars go
the beautiful sounds of alone

Just so you know
I am perfectly aware of how unfeeling
and unaware I am to the world.

I tend to ignore things.
Or at least means I don't know about them,
or at least pretend not to.

See,
when you pretend not to care
or see or hear anything,
you have to be in full character.

That means no thinking.
I've been doing that for years.
May be that's why I am so unaware of everything around me.

And the only thing I think
I'm going to squash out of existence
when I step out into the real world.

Which was why I was perfectly fine living with my mom for as long as possible.

That least that was until recently.

Recently

I've been thinking a lot.
I find myself day dreaming more
and not just staring off into space practicing to keep a blank mind
.Full on day dreams too.

Then I started wanting more.
I find myself questioning.
I find myself worrying.
I find myself wanting to understand as to why this was happening.

Without light, there will be no darkness.

Without music, there sill be no melody.

Without trust, there will be no betrayal.

Without love, there will be no hate.

Without reflection, there will be no character.

Without emotion, there will be no good.

Without evil, there will be no good.

Without us, there will be no world.

Ever stop yourself from getting too excited?

To keep yourself from being too disappointed?

Well I failed

And I know its going to drop on me hard.

But that same mechanisms that produce excitement?

Also produce fear.

And any fear can be transformed into excitement

By breathing fully with it.

Well I guess that's the **** I'm doing now

Even if I do face disappointment

I know there won't be any regrets.

So this is me telling myself.

Yes, Dawn, he's worth the risk.