no one loves me
but they claim they care
if they really did wouldn't they see

i am falling apart
fragile to the touch
yet they keep on pushing me

closer to the edge
and they think i can take more
so they push farther till i'm at the brink

it's like they know i can't swim
but they are going overboard
and they'll be suprised when i sink

Death was not unfamilar to me. I'd killed my share of things classified as monsters. I wasn't complaining really, my job kept the humans safe. I just felt guilty, I was practically a monster myself. They call us Warriors of the night, we're not Vampires, we are born with extra strenght and a long life span. I was born a long time ago, I was raised to **** monsters that terrorize the human race. Since I was six, I'd been trained to ****. I was a killing machine, best of my kind. Yet somehow, even though what I do is considered an honor, I don't feel proud. I've been doing my job much to long, and lately I'd began getting sloppy with my work. God knows Rowan would be one ****** of boss if he heard about me letting the group of baby Werewolves. I wasn't a complete heartless ******* to **** a bunch of babies.
    I might've been two years ago, before the whole incident happened. I layed my head in my hands, I couldn't go there, not now. I needed a clear head. My small apartment in Master Singu's house was getting messy. I hadn't had time to clean lately with all of the monster attacks that had been popping up lately. Ghouls, Goblins, Oni, Ogre, you name it and it's been attacking. Wasn't much we could do with the Banshee, they were more of a signifier then a monster. A signifier of death, and usually they gave me a heads up if the person who's house it's been surrounding, is gonna die. Banshee were cruel looking creatures, never gotten to close to one, they make **** sure of that. Not sure I ever want to. They were ruled by the one and only, Death. And i will gladly stay as far from death as possible. Haven't heard too many good things about him. Death is one of the Four horsemen. Scariest ******* in the underworld, and I would gladly never meet any of deaths brothers or sisters, what ever the gender their welcome to stay away. There was a soft knock on my door, io glanced at the clock on the wall, it was already three. Warriors worked night shift basically, since thats the time most monsters like to come out.
    The victorian styled door was a black cherry carved wood, with a ancient symbols carved in so no evil spirit couls cross into my apartment, so I wasnt worried any monster was at my door. But I was suprised to see Cameron when I opened the door. Cameron and I used to work the nights together until he'd gone off and gotten married to Sylvia, who was a vampire. Vampires were only considered monsters when they didnt follow the rules. No feeding off of unwilling people, only donors, and they couldnt go around killing people. Their biggest rule though was not to tell any human what they were, Warriors like me had a lot of people to execute.
   "Cameron, never thought I'd see you around here anymore," just as I was talking to him I realized, Cameron looked scared and desperate. Unlike someone who spent his life killing evil monsters that were twice the size of him. " What's wrong Cameron?" He shook his head and walked past me, through the door and into the living room. "It's Sylvia, Theon please help me," Camerons voice was going all thick and his eye's all watery. This was deffinetly something bad. " Tell me, what has happened with Sylvia?" I needed Cameron in his most focused form to help me out, but as I looked at the shaking man I knew he was beyond that. " You remember the king vampire we took down to save Sylvia?" Cameron said quitely, but I knew instantly what vampire he was talking about. That vampire had killed Abelia. I quickly swept that from my mind and focused back on Cameron. " Yes I remember, "  I had no idea where Cameron was going with this. " You remember his brother than, the one that got away, he said that we would both pay. He, ah, made you pay that day. I never thought that he would carry out with his threat. He kidnapped Sylvia, and Sylvia is pregnant, " Cameron almost lost it right there.
    I never thought that, pip squeak of a vampire had it in him, but he was smart and possesed powers we hadn't known about until we had come across them. Their king that we had slayed, had been capturing girls of all species and abusing them in such barbaric ways.
We had to put an end to his affairs, and we did but his brother wasn't too happy about it. He'd done one of his tricks and manifested behind Abelia and snapped her neck. Everything for me had stopped, all I could hear was the blood in my veins. I didn't breath, I could still remember the deafining roar I had unleashed as my monster had gripped me, took the reins and killed all of the mans servants.
Blood had bathed the walls that night, not even the crickets dared to sing. The sun rose late that morning, and I sat inside this very apartment, on that very couch, and cried. For the very first time, I had cried until my eye's swelled shut, until my throat could bare no more. Until I passed out.
    "We'll get them back Cameron, don't worry. For now get some rest, we'll start investigating later tonight, I have meeting to attend," I was going to **** that ******* when I found him. He had taken my only love from me, and he would pay this time, I would make that absoultely certain. Cameron nodded and headed for the door. It was a long way back to his house, and he crossed quite a few bridges. I didn't want him making any bad decisions, " Cameron you can crash here, I have a guest room your welcome here man," I say casually so he doesn't get all prideful. He stops and looks at me for a moment then nods " Yeah, thanks man, and also thank you for agreeing to help me on this I know it's a bit of a touchy subject for you, just know i appreciate it." He made his way down the hall, I listened for the soft click of the door shuting before i went to leave.
    I grabbed my coat, and the keys to my Ducatti and ducked out the door. The hallway was long and at the end of it was two flights of srairs, I lived on the third floor. My motorcycle was parked right were I left it, it was a beauty. Black and red sleek metal and nice leather seats. I loved the bike so much I had named her Racer. I loved to drive fast, and so did she. I tore off out of the parking lot and listened to the purr of her engine on the way to Rowan's , my boss, office. It wasnt to far, but I wasn't in a rush either so i took the long road just to stall. I knew Rowan planned on giving me a partner. Probably some ****** that didnt know his way around a swiss army blade, let alone a sword. Warriors didnt use guns unless absoultely necessary. I loved the feel of my sword slicing through the air. I didn't, however, enjoy the noisy bang of a gun. A sword was like another limb, you have to trust it to take you were you need to go.
    Rowan's office light was on, and I could make out the form of three bodies. Great, I knew it, Rowan was going to assign me a partner.
I hated partners, the only one I'd ever slightly enjoyed had been Cameron. I got off my bike, patted the seat for good luck, and made my way into Rowans office. When I pulled open the door I was ready to yell at Rowan for even thinking of giving me a partner, instead i dropped my hand off the doorknob. " *******," was all I coluld say. I was stunned to silence.

When I got to the hospital, the nurses told me he was still recovering from surgery for some internal injuries and this and that, but I could go see him for a bit. So I went up to his room and realized that I didn't really know what he looked like, other than blood and bruises, but I could still tell it was him by the way the bandages were wrapped around his head. "Hey Chief," I said, "howya doin'?" This time I knew he was conscious but he didn't say anything. He just gave me this look like he was saying, "Who are you?" and "How do I get rid of you?" at the same time. So I replied, "I know your name is Mitchell, but I figured the only way you'd remember me is if I called you 'Chief,' like I did before." That got his attention and he threw me this sudden, glowering stare for what seemed like a real long time, like he was trying to make up his mind about something. I thought I had ****** him off with that "Chief" crack, but then he said real soft,  "My name's not Mitchell."

     That suprised me a bit, so all I could say was, "But that's who's room this is, according to the nurses."

     "Maybe so. But that's not my real name . . . It's just a name I made up."

     "What, you on the run or something?"
    
     "Something like that."

     "And you ain't a Marine?"

     "How'd you . . . ?" Another stare, and then, "Nope. Not now. I was though."

     "I don't get it."

     "Mitchell was a name I made up when I joined the Corps . . . "

     "So, why did you make up a name? . . . You got a record?"

     "Nothin' like that . . . My real name is Irniq . . . It's an old Inuit name. When I joined up, I thought I was puttin' those days behind me."

     "Inuit . . . What's that, a kind of Indian?"

     "It means, 'People' . . . but you prob'ly think of us as 'Eskimos.' We don't like that name, so we don't use it."

     He stopped looking in my direction and kinda tilted his head back and rolled his eyes back before closing them. Then he took a few real deep breaths, and said, "I grew up in a village that was mostly hunters and fishermen. It was fun, when I was little, kind of like goin' on an adventure all the time. But as I got older, I realized how dirt poor we were and how we seemed to catch less game every season. And then I learned that our tribe owned land that the oil companies wanted to drill, and that the oil money could end our need to hunt, and get us modern, comfortable lives, but the tribe kept clingin' to their old ways. My father said it was oil that wiped out the herring habitats, and caused the seal population to crash, and was keepin' the ice away. I didn't care and thought he was a fool fightin' a losin' battle. I thought I saw the future and that he was goin' down with the past. We had terrible fights and I believed that the man who had once been this mighty hero of mine had turned into a pathetic has-been, and I didn't want to get dragged down with him. I thought that by leavin', I could somehow be part of the future. I didn't have too many places to go, so I joined the Marines."

     "Then what are you doing here?"

     He dropped his head forward, opened his eyes, locked them right on to mine, and said, "I left the Corps a couple of months ago. When I joined up, my father told me he no longer had a son. I guess I didn't really hear those words until I went back home and he shut the door in my face. My mother came out and tried to welcome me home, and get me to stay, but I knew that my father had been right all along, and that it was me who was pathetic. So I got on a bus and went as far as I could until my money ran out, and here I am."

     "What do you mean, about your father being right?"

     He closed his eyes again, brought both hands up to the sides of his face, and said, "When I was in the Corps, I got sent to Iraq. I was pretty gung ** at first, and thought I was fightin' for freedom and the way of life that I wanted, but then it just seemed to get pointless. Day after day of cat-and-mouse with an enemy hidin' in plain sight and no real purpose other than bein' there and gettin' into firefights. Then one day I was on this mission clearin' some homes of insurgents. I was leadin' a squad goin' door-to-door and not havin' much trouble 'til we went to this one house and there's this woman screamin' and tryin' to get past us. A couple of my guys had to hold her down while the rest of my squad got her family to kneel down beside her. The woman kept on screamin' and we didn't have an interpreter, so I went up to her and tried to calm her down. I told her in as soothin' a voice I could that we weren't goin' to hurt anyone, we were just lookin' for bad guys, when I saw this blur out of the corner of my eye. The woman started screamin' louder, and I turned and yelled, 'Stop!!! Stop!!!' a couple of times, but it kept movin' fast and I just reacted . . . I didn't have any time to think . . . it just kept movin' . . . and I was yellin', 'Stop!!! Stop!!!' . . . but it wouldn't stop . . . it wouldn't stop . . . it just kept movin' . . . . . . and I reacted . . . I just reacted . . . . . . and then there was my muzzle flash and this red mist . . . . . . this red mist that just erupted . . . and kind of hung there . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and then the woman wasn't screamin' . . . and I wasn't yellin' . . . . . . . . . and there was just this little boy . . . . . . . . this little boy, lyin' on the ground . . . . . . with this mush where his face used to be . . . . . . . . . . . and it was quiet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so quiet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . until I heard this sound like nothin' I ever heard before . . . this kind of moan . . . this deep, hollow, primeval moan that kind of rumbled at first . . . . . . . . and then it grew louder . . . and louder . . . and the pitch got higher and higher . . . . . . until it turned into this ferocious gut-wrenchin' shriek that filled my head and reached way down and ripped my insides out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and every day I try to put that boy back together in my mind . . . . . . I try to see his face . . . but I can't . . . . . . . . . . . . I can't see his face . . . . . . and I can't get that sound out of my head . . . . . . . . . . . . every single day . . . . . . . . . . . . and all I can see is my muzzle flash . . . and that mist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that godawful red mist."

I lingred upon the edge as early morning and no replies have found a truth only the darkness can grasp.

Pills taken and hours spent the moment won't matter as it all is forgotten just the same.

In chased chords the tune clings to the heart if only I could do the same.
We saw the ending and now it is I whom stands alone.

They are all false truths were told the high so vast when you come down they will all judge you just the same.

I am a space taken and nothing more.
You played in the shadows and found the depths not shallow as you hoped it to be my dear.

We shared vices and nothing more
To you I say good riddance.
And a sincere *******!.

Why bury the past when you can allow those demons to run free?
Push it a little further and embrace the decay.

You probably won't be shocked when you hear.

Course you know what they say about opinions.


And a space will be available soon.

I texted you.
You texted back.
I was so suprised,
I nearly dropped my phone.

Here's the problem though,
I tend to
Over analyze  
Over scrutinize
Over think

I must have apologized
For bothering you
Five
Ten
Twenty times

Plus,
It was me texting you
You never texted me.

And now I don't know what to think.
You make me happy
Honestly,
I think I like you

Which is a problem,
Because
If I like someone
It's usually time to
Push them away

But with you
I can't
I can't
I can't
And I don't know why

So if I'm bothering you,
I'm sorry

If I'm not.....
*Thank you

it is so sad, how you seemed really suprised when I asked you if you where okay

I mean you looked like you where crying and all I wanted to do is make sure you where ok, just like you did to me

and yet you just looked at me as if I just said something really weird, and since then you look at me differently

I guess I just have to keep asking you how you are so the next time someone else does, you won't seem so suprised.

You were once one of the first female supreme court judges.
An engineer, professor,  politician.
You were a loving mother,
The perfect husband.
Life can be cruel though.
Time has stolen your individuality.
I watch as your wife leads your hand down the hall.
To your room,  you remain suprised everytime.
The pain, in your families eyes,
Camoflauged with a smile.
As you introduce yourself as if you have never met.

You ask me where you are,
Why you're here.
I'll tell you, but you never believe me.
I try to explain over and over,
The shock is new everytime.

I take care of you,
I try to help you through this chapter of your life.
By the time I meet you,
You are not who you were.
Your mind is lost in time and my face is always new.

Looking at your pictures I try to see how you were.
Try to imagine the strength,  the youthfulness.
I try to make you feel as whole as a stranger can.
I am here with you day after day.
Over time you become like family to me.

The disease has taken you,
I wish I could change all that.
But instead I'll just sit here,
Listen to your story of strung up words that make no sense.
I'll smile when you do
Look sympathetic when I need to.

You are a human being with the strength of a hundred men.
You have had the diagnosis told to you.
You were so aware of what you would become.
I am here to help you
I respect who you were, and who you are.
I try to make your last days a little better, easier.
I'm your nurse.
I hope I can help.
Even if it is just for a moment.
I hope you know,
What an amazing soul still resides in you.

I wish you freedom, memories and peace when it's your turn to go.
And I welcome who takes your place.
Never forgetting your individuality.

Cracks in freshly laid tarmac,
Has it really been that long?
I hear the songs we used to sing,
Take me back...take me back.

something looks and creeps on the countertop
parasitic cyst
up on the table
a phonograph feeding me from way back
a comatose short
you made me outnumbered and sorts
a different flesh
but you feel the edge
and feel suprised but
you know just what i am
a different life
and we were encumbered
and adorned

I have just finished reading your letter and am in complete rapture to your words and your being. I am compelled to write to you, and write to you, and write to you. And in these words and simple letters, re-live our passion and create it all anew for the rest of time. I felt you so deeply today...
Before the call, I sat nervous awaiting for you to spend the day with me...awaiting a still day, a sad day, a breaking of myself...but it turned out unexpected though in all of today's chaos, it unfolded as more than I could have ever asked for. As unfortunate as the situation unraveled...today I saw your strength, I saw everything I wish I be in you. I saw the other half of me stand tall, remain still, carry the fear inside her like a secret and I am left bewilderd by you. The intensity of the day, now as I sit back and remember vividly every uttered word and every action, has exhausted me but in the most grateful of ways. I feel full, full of new understandings and needless to say, full of you. I soaked in what I could of you. I've memorized every curve of your face, counted every delicate lash, fixated amongst each ring of your eye when the sunlight falls in and engages within them...and yet still, now as you lay miles away from me I wish to imprint these gifts deeper inside me, I wish for more. The smell of you surrounds me in this very moment, making it all the more intoxicating, the smell of the cleanest ocean...
Your tears liberated me, as I so desperately wished to be released from my physical body and to be swept into you, literally. Holding you close I felt everything within you, and I hope you felt the pull of me. I wanted only to stay in your arms for the rest of my days, to lie in bed again with you once more and spend it still curled in our form as the morning flooded in your window. I've remembered everything. And as I listened to you speak of your new relationship...parts of me crumbled. Many parts, parts of my own emotion but more so parts of yours. Because I know what it is you need, I know what it is to sustain you, I know what you deserve. And although she means well within her posture, and she is overflowing with passion and working to bring you nearer...she lacks something strong. To hear of your frustrations parts of me die...I envy where she stands for I cannot yet be there. But I rest assured that one day I will soon be able to be what it is I wish to be for you. Able, independent, mobile...happy. And for now, I wish only the best for you and her. Because I want to see you smiling. This has all unraveled as it should, this has all unraveled as it should. Many things must first take course... for the both of us.

You are all I have dreamed of. Everything I seek...I cannot even handle it inside myself what a more perfect fit. You will always be the one.
..


From me: To you (The last of a series)
the last week has been nothing but utter confusion for my soul. a new soul in different forms has seemed to be fulfilled with a new face of time, a new ticking of my multiple clocks. as i read your letter i felt similarities. i knew what you would write to me if you were to even write at all. i remember seeing you the first day, as i walked in from the rain and attempting to act as though we were in different places and following separate steps. i spoke to you and i wished it never to end, suprised i was even within a distance to touch you. un knowing of why you accepted the actualization of me infront of you. supportive of one another, setting advice and stories in our ears. i wished to not step beyond your doorstep. a hug and a kiss on your warm cheek nearly tore me. and a kiss from you set me back 100 flights of upwards motion. heart baffled and feet unsteady, as they had always been for you..as i had almost forgot them being. so tired had i become of this stability within my bones, till i met you. i felt the oceans pounding me weak within your gaze.
as the events of the other day unfolded as terribly as they did all i could think , was you were the only one that would hold me fast to my mind. keep me one and fill me with the strength to pull myself above it all. slide your hand within mine and give me a release. when i watched you walking towards me i saw myself, the confidence in your eyes for me that you knew you would make it all..ok, dealable, better within me and my soul. it all felt as old. it was as if it was not the last moments together, we were just..us. laughing, being "stupid", talking ****, keeping ourselves withing our own jokes..it was all just there without any drawing of the past.
the drive back was the turning point of it all. heart breaking my weak ribs as twigs under a mountain.
of her i did not expect to speak but i needed to show you my honesty in a matter i knew you had already known well. i am in many places at once. on one hand she has the capability to give me everything else i could want including such an immense love that i have never been given in such a way..but knowing i have your soul, for now anyways, seems to set everything else aside. her words come out garbled when trying to make a point and i cannot trust her to decypher my meaning in my motions, in my puzzled words, in the language of my body and the emotions i need to thrive within this world. you say you have no jealousy but it is a lie within yourself. you know what you wish to have and it is what she has for me. she has parts of this body but can never consume all that you have..just look at what you are now and imagine what you will be by the time you are my age..you will have more than anyone could ever give me in any aspect and you know this as well as i. others will bide our time, create new motions for our ink to flaunt on paper, give us the tools we need for our new forms of art and then we are forced to move to the next and destroy them unwantingly. we wish not to hurt the others around us but it is what we have been created to do..we have always known this..and i believed it would be a continuation of my life, and had come to terms with it years ago..until i looked into your eyes and found the last sentence of my novel. i will suffer the pain of a thousand burning suns, the pain of a life full of slow torture when you find the next person in your life..to know they will only know you from the outside and never be able to understand what you are..because they have not the other part of my soul to understand what you have been as a whole. they will see your eyes, though not past the glare of their own reflection. feel your skin, but not able to grow new parts of you upon them with every brush. kiss your lips, but never fear they may suddenly be sewn into you. nor change the world with you in a single moment. they will all be the "rest of the world." they will all be the pawns on the maps we use to find the way in ourselves to get back to each other.
i broke in front of you. to look at my soul. to see through her eyes the way i had always wished to . to see without you having to say..that you loved me, that you hurt. tears unleashed, falling on every velvet fashion of you. i saw more of your form than i had ever seen in those few moments that lasted. the way your hair always smelled, the edges of each freckle on your face, the curve of your smile when i made you laugh, the heat of your hands on the back of my neck and the small of my back, the dapples dancing around your pupils, how your breath felt against my fingers as you shut your eyes and kissed them, seeing me break and grabbing hold of me as to take the pain away from my core..to feel me and take on the load of emotion, and memorizing each angle of your lips as they sank into mine.
as i read in your letter that you loved me i melted. to see what i had seen in your eyes now in two forms of the best kind. to say again, it as if we are in a world of war. separated by strife and harsh people, harsh mindsets, stagnant exhistances. love letters sent over a sea of pawns in this war, some battles won, others lost, stale-mate at times, and long periods of lost connection. though when the war inside has been won, once the baracades of our cores have fought through it all, blockades dismantles, and the survivor, the warrior, the overcomer has found their way back to the homeland of eachothers souls..then the most beautiful beginnings in their lives will become an actualization. the universe will give us upon the deserving and all the pieces will mold what it had been cast years before.
we are it....
. we are the truth that the world has been seeking, and the hope that it has been wishing for. we are the dream they have every night, and the novel they is seen only in themselves when they close their eyes. we have opened our eyes, we accept and see and cannot wait to grow within and for one another. you are my gift, what i have searched for in my soul. you are my entire consuming force.
you are the one. you are the love of my life. and for now, the one that got away.

- I love you

All I saw were wrinkles.

These wrinkles exemplified pain, loss, happiness and content. These wrinkles in his long leathery complexion represented my life; and how every moment is a wrinkle in time. These wrinkles in the old mans face told me where I had been and where I still had to go. I glanced at the old man, pain and sorrow clouded his eyes, which were covered by his snow white hair, which fell gently upon his forehead much like how a feather almost levitates before it hits the ground.

All I saw were wrinkles.

The old man turned slowly towards me, his facade was illuminated by the warm glow of the fire, and he flashed me that all knowing smile of his, which old age could never take away. This radiant smile was a rare sight to see nowadays he seemed to enjoy the company of books rather then the company of people.

All I saw were wrinkles.

The old man was a silent presence. Silent enough to sneak up on me when I used to watch Sunday morning cartoons. Grandpa! I would exclaim, half suprised half content that he was just with me and by my side.

All I saw were wrinkles.

The old man gave me one last sad smile and stood up from the cracked leather sofa.

Where are you going? I asked him.

I never found out.

I never will.

All I saw were wrinkles

Why am I surprised by my imperfection?
As a child, media portrayals of heroes
inspired and enticed me to be heroic
but my fallible family and crazy-wired brain
always kept me from being
all I aspired to be
putting me in a constant state
of unease about being me.

You might say, “Welcome to the human race!”
Thank you. I appreciate your hospitality.
I don’t know if it is comforting or scary
to know I’ve got lots of company.
Sometimes both I guess.

*****
****
*****
*****
Nerd
Punk
******
First words out of your mouth
On the last day of my life
So moments before I pass away
I'll take the time to write them all
On the skin you feared would give you ***
******
Transvestite
Dweeb
*******
Seriously?
You don't remember it
The moments we bumped into each other
In almost every bathroom
Stuffing my face into the fresh ****
You just so happenly dropped
And had all your friends **** on me
As you flushed the toilet over and over again
I'm suprised
You were just joking about it in 5th hour
So allow me to introduce myself again
Hi my name is...
Not going to finish the statement
You usually do with
Queer
***
Short ****
My name has become whatever you decide to call me
And never once do you ever use the same one twice
But today I've kept track
Every name
Every moment in my high school history
Hell even in elementary and middle
You've been there every step of the way
Bullying me even more
Pounding me in the playground
Well I guess I'll show you what you called me
With the bruised body you left me
But I'll finish this off with my actual name *******
My name is Robert Guerrero
I was a poet, the voice to all the people
You thought were your stepping stones to success
Now I'm the corpse you left nameless

Happiness be like the flower of my heart
Knowledge comes in soul
Suprised to see in the world.
The problem of the world to fight
Suddenly to scared in life comes strength
Feet be with hope has freedom.

The problem with me,
Is not my back,
But the fact that
I hate to see suffering

If I see someone in pain,
I do everything I can
To carry their burden

As I'm getting older however,
I've met too many people,
And carry too many problems

I was sure I could handle it
But I don't know if I can.
So I hope you are happier,
Back problems are worth it
To see you smile again

Just don't be suprised
If someday soon,
My spine
Simply
*Snaps

We are the stories we tell ourselves about,
But when those stories are lies,
We are the most suprised of all.

Sitting on the park bench
The one with the little etches
Names of forgotten loves
Encircled with a heart that's probably broken by now
My hands are warmed by the cup between my fingers
I sip it, savouring the heat it brings my soul
My favourite beverage, Happiness
Checking the time, I figured he should be here soon....
But he wasn't..
I waited in that spot for years
Sipping on my drink until I was suprised and dismayed to find it empty
The sun was going down, painting the sky and the streets in fiery colours
Setting everything alight but me
He never came....
He said he would but he didn't...
My own Future stood me up.

I was sad and angry,
all I wanted was to sit and cry.
The people I dissapointed.
The oppertunities
I have already missed.
From nowhere bumblebee came
and gave me a kiss.
I was so suprised.

Touching my cheeck.
Remembered the most important thing
is the calmness in me.

How often are we given the gift of wisdom?

The problem with this gift is often it isn't accepted or wanted.

It is cast aside as not a worthy gift and having no value.

If only the receiver knew it's worth and what lengths the gift giver had to go through to obtain this gift.

Wisdom is usually obtained with sacrifice and battle scars.

The giver of this gift only wishes to spare the recipient of unnecessary pain but to no avail they never see the worth of of what  wisdom offers so history repeats itself unnecessarily

Next embrace the gift and accept all that it has to offer. You may be pleasantly suprised !

I fell asleep
and trusted my soul to keep
but then I entered a lush garden
which I entered without a pardon
over at the far end
yes just around the bend
was a women standing
on a marble landing
her back was turned to me
and I could see
snakes in her hair
yet her skin was quite fair
and she had quite a nice derrière
I turned to flee
but that's just not me
she had the snake hair thing
but I heard that wow could she sing
a lonely broken hearted song
about so many things that were wrong
I looked again
around that bend
in addition to the skin, voice and ---
her body had more curves then a racetrack
so adapting my best tack
I picked some red flowers
by the big ivory tower
and walked up to her and bent on one knee
presenting the flowers I said see
this is for you
because your song was sad and true
she turned and said arghh now you turn to stone
but instead I said I do not wish to spurn
but stone is not really my thing
I can show you my yo-yo on a string
or perhaps juggling maybe a little mime
I can do many wonderful things if you have the time
so she pulled out a gun
suprised I said no no thats no fun
then I looked as cute as I could
and stayed as still as wood
I don't understand she said why you don't attack me
you are a hero and I am hideous can't you see
I said nah handing her the flowers
you are quite beautiful here by your tower
I would rather take you out for coffee and cake
so I leave the rest of the story out for you to make
;)

The other day I woke up to the smell of your absence clinging to my skin. I took 8 showers that day and I am still not quite sure if it's possible to feel a phantom limb where there wasn't one in the first place.

2. The way that squirrels cross the street makes a lot of sense all of a sudden. I'm sure no one told you that you have a way of making their skin crawl in the most desperate way. I still can't eat on your side of the bed without choking on the residue your dreams left.

3. I read the obituaries like I used to read the creases your smile left, they're not meant for me.

4. Stars manage to keep their deaths a secret for years I wish I were as committed to forgiveness as they were. I stuck my hands in scalding water today and left them there until they begged for redemption, it sounded a lot like your name.

5. It took me two years to find out your middle name, that is not a metaphor. I used to think that the slower I said it the sweeter it would taste. I stick my fingers down my throat hoping to find the words you left there I'm so sorry for being too weak to say them back then I'm so sorry they couldn't make you stay. I drew highway maps on the palms of my hands that led me right back into my own arms, how is that for irony.

6. Television.

7. Lips that don't bruise when they touch my own, I want a love like a car crash. I want painful, and desperate, and no good for me, I want to not want this.

8. I've blown out so many candles I'm suprised I haven't put all the stars out yet. If the universe were capitalist shooting stars would be marketing to my demographic. I would be the poster child for wishes that will never come true.  

9. Novels that end exactly as you hoped they would

10. Nearly 160,000 people died in the 1945 bombing of Hiroshima, Japan. 69% of the city was left in ruin. The radiation caused by the explosion was said to effect those living in Hiroshima for the next 30 years. From what I know, hospital walls are lined with cynicism and pain and I can't think of anything worse than oblivion than near oblivion.

I was suprised to see Robin
appear at the onset of dawn.
Looked on at my withdrawn self,
tucked on my shelf,
whereupon I return his look.

With his wings, he made a gesture
pointing out, out and beyond to
fields in a vesture of green.
Never I had I seen such pastal pastures,
nor known them to be so near.

Robin started to sing
of spontaneous adventure,
away from my miscellaneous thoughts.
Extraneous in nature for they did discouraged
this possible venture.

In an act of defiance,
I went to move, and felt a strain
tightening around my brain.
Denying the laws of science,
the frightening shackels restraining me
and my plumed heart from taking flight.

I struggled against the chain, I wiggled until bruised
and blood and sweat covered my skin.
The sticky heat of desperation consumes me,
wishing someone smuggled the key in
and remove these chaotic chains.

"I can't move," I cried to Robin,
expecting him to disapprove.
"I'm not like you. I can't just go and do what I want,
it doesn't work like that."

Even though I wanted to go.
My soul longs for it, to be like  the Robin
where its only goal is to go
faraway like a bird of prey, flying high
complying to no one, just like Maslow wanted.
The reclamation of self-realization.

Robin did not reply.
Robin did not leave.
Nor did he grieve for me.
He simply waited.

This wasn't a rue.
He was glued to me and thus
Proving the legends true; of how
he got the mark of Christ's blood upon himself.

For he waited in hope
'til the day when I can cleave the chains
and he'll supply the rope
and reeve the opening of my escape.

But that day is not today.

Today's untimely end neared
with the threat of an upset sunset,
warning Robin that he must retreat
to avoid being a prisioner of the dark.

Yet, before he left, he nodded,
as if tell me not to fret.
For he will be back at sunrise
His wise eyes conformed
him to be sans falseness.

And I prayed to empty skies that I was right.

From my spot, I watch Robin's flight,
as night fell with gravity, pushing the sun down
and for a split second it turned to a green jewel.
I smiled like fool at Joule's "last glimpse"
feeling the chains, ever so slightly, loosen.

i used to say:

"i will not inflate my own expectations.
i will not get my hopes up high.
i will expect to receive only nothing.
if something beautiful happens, then
i will simply be pleasantly suprised and
i will enjoy every last fleeting second.
if something too ugly happens, then
i will treat it with little more emotional
diress than the loss of a toothbrush.
if i do not set my heart on any one thing,
then i will never be heartbroken.

"i will live my life through a filter, a veil;
i will live my life behind a solid wall,
and i will bide my time."

now i say:

"i will expect to recieve only nothing, but
i will cup the promise of something
beatiful within my own trembling hands.
i will guard my precious pumping heart,
but i will not put it away behind lock and key.
i will take cautious steps through life, but
i will still walk the path underneath my feet.
i will laugh heartily, and i will cry miserably.
i will end friendships, and begin new ones in their stead.
i will acknowledge every single breath, and
i will count each one as a precious gem.

"i will step from behind my filter, my veil;
i will open my heart to life,
and i will live."

At the Coffee Shop I saw a man
I saw a man and guessed his story
He had dark circles beneath his eyes
And he looked like a dead man in his faded black suit
He rubbed his forehead as he sat down
And his eyes seemed far away when he ordered his coffee
He ordered a double shot expresso
That says a lot about a man

As I was leaving I stopped to say goodbye
I figured he could use some friendliness today
Instead of saying goodbye I said hello
And he told me his story
So I told him mine

And to this day I spend everyday thinking about him
About his story
About mine
About his story of a divorce, a child sent to jail, being fired
Then going to the Coffee Shop and seeing a woman
A woman who looked like she could use a break
From work, from stress, from broken love affairs
He geussed her story
And she geussed his
She suprised him though
By stopping to say hello
And then he went on to marry her
And together they were happy
She got a break from stress and broken love affairs
And he got a break from his empty heart and loneliness

I Have had a hard life, but so hasent everybody else,
I try to forget the pain, but im afraid of the result going against the grain,i still have to be true to myself, relationships have come and gone, making it hard for life in my lane to just go along with a flow i haven't been able to stay on for so long, honestly i care, but its hard to not be scared, when the reality and truth has been, hidden, forbidden, now were are the people that said they cared?  are they there? maybe im delusional in this world , but everybody makes references and insults and get suprised when ***** pops off in the mist of the air, tell me what it feels like being that kid sitting over there, trust me, ive been there ive done that **** was never fair, but realize those kids end up killed or in jail, dont feel left out, dont set your self to fail, cause they act like punks and claim they get the best *******, but they turn they back on a homie when **** switches, and the watch an chain he wearin aint real, he stole it from that homeless innocent woman with not a dime to spill, so think about it, and let this **** set in, cause i know these words that im spewing ill never be forgettin, people these days have no ******* morals, back in the day there was a way to get along without needing money in ya pocket, im trying to capture every good moment i have, maybd put it in neckless and lock it, hold it tight in my heart, but burn so these hater can never grin at the truth,. they cant **** with my furnance, wich is the root ofmy heart, and ill never let anybody change me or rip my family apart,