When I was a kid, my teacher gave me
little red stars in my notebook.
Ha, silly teacher!
Stars are red when they are drifting further, never to be had.

The first moment that my eyes caught sight of you
You purred that low panther like purr
My world flipped what I thought was the right way up
Like a whirling dervish, I was just a blur

Then, as fast as you came you zoomed past me
The purr blurred into a parrot like shriek
North through to south are back where they belong
And the water flows again in the creek

Maktub saw the light at the end of his tunnel
It approached him with a barbaric screech
Doppler shifting to piercing, painful pitch
On the wrong side of tracks he watched the train charge past
In his new freedom, he explored the station
Wandering through the grimy halls by
Too-busy roaches scurrying from the bright
A burpy crumple lump sat propped against the wall
Reeking of sick and
Filth and dead liver
Maktub bought him a sandwich
And left it on his lap, with a dead president
On whose face he had jotted a blotted
Don’t drink me
The *** woke to this, and
Bless you friend, jaundiced beam
Bless you back, sir
Restored faith in (chances) chances

Some teens whizzed unpaying under turnstiles
On rolling boards, lying on their backs and holding bags
Maktub found them clever and pursued
In a secluded spot they made aerosol spray mural
Mischievous hands intricately crafted as cans blasted
Through their mist emerged a mighty orb of life
And in blackness round twinkled possible worlds
He admired their vandalism; art is everywhere, he thought
At sound of step the mural makers
Dashed, leaving colors and can
Maktub raised it, unfamiliar, and finished the wall with
We are one

Returning to his platform, he saw that more had gathered
And a strumming bard, milk eyed, fluttered notes with dancer’s grace
Her voice sent shivers down his spine and lifted him in spirals
I would recognize the
Song of God, he thought (and I know where he is)
The screeching came again, and Maktub
Leaned to watch, eager for his light
His train had come to take him home
He was calm
He was ready

Some on a straight path while others are a taking a more fortuitous route. Some are on a grand adventure and some just along for the ride. Most wonder what waits for us at the end, is there something beyond this life? What will it be like? Would we see loved ones again, the ones who have gone on before? I am just one of the many, many souls who have glimpsed the other side. For some it is but a mere matter of seconds. For yet others the time was indeterminate. For me the experience was indefinite. Not indefinite as in having no definition but indefinite as having no basis in what we know as time. Meaning - directly so as to not be confusing - I was not there for seven minutes in what we call earth time. To me it was as if I was --- hold onto your hat --- there upwards of a thousand years. Indeed to me time was indefinite. I do not want to go into the specific details of the story surrounding my death. I’ll just say that there was a lot going on in my life. More than I believed that I could bear. I decided that I would end my life. How was I to know that it was at this point in my life, this life that I believed would be ending – it was to be only my beginning.

This is my story. Do with it as you will…

At first it sounded like there were two freight trains at opposite ends of my hearing coming straight at me as if they were going to collide into me. I cannot begin to tell you how loud it was. The sound was not only deafening but in the sound it carried with it or brought with it the most bone shaking vibrations that you can imagine. The sound was literally drawing me into it. And then just as abruptly as the sound started it stopped. But I did not stop. For what seemed like minutes – I could see my father and a policeman struggling to help me.  The immediate sensation was that I was floating about twenty feet in the air. The thought – more the idea – hit me that this was impossible because I was in my residence – in the garage. There would be no way that I could be twenty feet in the air and be watching what was going on below me because I would have been above the roof line of my garage. But that was my perception.  The policeman was frantically calling for an ambulance as he was compressing my chest. I could see that my lips were blue and I had a pool of blood around my head. The body, my body, was – it was me and I knew it was me but at the instant that I realized that it was me I felt - relieved. Weightless, void of impediments, free. I felt a strange sense of detachment, as if what was going on below me was somehow unimportant, secondary.  The policeman then started breathing into my mouth and when he rose for a breath he was telling my father to do chest compressions. His voice was echoed, urgent but echoed. He was yelling, “He’s not breathing.”  I could hear my father saying “Oh my God, oh my God don’t let my son die, don’t let him die like this.” Somehow I realized that my father was thinking this and not actually saying this. The commotion had stirred my neighbor to come and he was standing in the doorway to the garage.  I could hear his thinking too though I will not divulge his thoughts because he later asked me not to. I watched this scene for what seemed like a minute when the garage seemed to fill with light. I looked up above me and I could see what I perceived to be the source of the light. At first it looked like a pinhole in the sky. The hole was slowly getting larger. The objects in front of the light – like trees and even the sky seemed to become distorted like whenever you look through a lense – a magnifying glass lense. The light was like a mother of pearl in color – pure - with streaks of blue emanating from it in straight lines that had both depth and resonance (sound). As it continued to get larger the blue streaks would revolve around turning into green and then gold, it was very bright. It wasn’t like looking at the light of the sun which can be hard to do and uncomfortable. The freight train sound started again and it felt as if the sound was coming from inside of the light. I felt myself being pulled upwards towards it. The noise seemed to pass through me as I passed through the opening of light which felt too small for me. The buzzing of the freight train noise morphed into a whishing sound as I entered the opening with a Doppler like effect as I passed through it. As if the train sound was moving away from me. The sensation was like speeding up through a tunnel at incredible speed. Up isn’t the right word. The tunnel wasn’t straight up but it was on an incline. Just as I was – adjusting to the changes I had just witnessed, I could feel the presence of others but I could not see them at first. Ahead was some sort of barrier or dividing line. As I flew through the barrier I realized it wasn’t a barrier at all. It was simply one of those blue beams I mentioned before.  Silver and golden shapes began to form around me as I looked around. At first they were just swirls of light but they soon took a human like form. There were hundreds of them all around me. All of them seemed to be whispering like a crowd in a theater waiting for the movie to start. During this whispered conversation I noticed that I had stopped moving. Three shapes came forward from the crowd. As they came nearer they took a clearer shape but they still seemed to be out of focus or maybe it was just my vision trying to adjust, I wasn’t sure. They were tall and slender wearing bright white flowing robes.

They all had long hair, shoulder length; golden in color and the one in front had a beard. The one with the beard spoke to me in a beautifully calming voice that was neither deep and foreboding or high pitched or intimidating, “You are not supposed to be here yet, you know what you agreed to, you must go back.”

At the instant that he finished the last syllable I could see my eldest child, now in her late teens and my eight year old son.  I felt sadness as I expressed that I didn’t want to go back by simply shaking my head no. I asked, “Do I not belong here either?” They seemed amused by my question.

The bearded one said, “You must go back, you have work to finish, we will send you back soon.”

The crowd seemed to move in closer. As I looked around I saw familiar faces. Friends, family, even known enemies from my life and …. Others. Most of whom I could not directly correlate any known memory of or from where or when I had known them.  But some of them I somehow innately knew that I had known them for a very long time. Visions of these known ones began flashing into my memories, past times, good times, experiences that I had somehow forgotten.  I could feel a connectedness and continuity to all of this and to all of these – beings. A sense of order and purpose that spanned all time. I looked back to the three people directly in front of me and then back to the others, some of which were moving closer to me – these people were timeless and somehow I knew it. As if they were ancient yet still so very integral to this experience. I do not know how I knew that but I knew that they were always there to watch over me. I felt like I was one of their children somehow sprung from each one of them and then the realization came over me that of all those around me, even the ones still farther away from me had also sprung from these three. Maybe sprung isn’t the right word. Connected … as if somehow the three were or could have been the source. I felt nothing like judgement from them. I felt only the deepest love and concern for me – and not any concern for anything that I had ever done or anything that I had ever said. In that moment I understood what unconditional love really meant.

I asked the one with the beard, “Is this heaven?” to which he smiled and replied.

“It can be.” This startled me and he knew it so he continued, “Is that what you want? It can be hell as well – if that is what you want.”

More confused than ever I was trying to fathom the meaning. “So I get to choose?” I asked.

“You always get to choose no matter where you find yourself,” he replied and then continued, “For we are all co-creators, we create our reality.”
“Where is God, I don’t see him?” I asked. The crowd was obviously amused by my question but the three in front of me only smiled.

“How can you see that which you yourself are a part of?” the bearded one asked me. “We are all expressions of God. When you see through your own eyes you see through the eyes of God, God experiences reality through your eyes and your experiences. When you speak to God you speak to yourself for it is you who is the container of God that which he is – is also you. There is only one. There is no division or separation. There never has been and there never will be any separation.  Your eye is no more or no less a part of God than it is a part of you. For without him you would have no eye. So if you have an eye, it must also belong to him. Anything that seems to exist separate from him is simply an illusion. The light that is in us and surrounds us here is God just as the light that surrounds you and is in you now is also God. It is the source of all and is given freely to all. All begin here and return to here. It is the starting point for all journeys.”

My next question sounded odd to even me but I asked it anyway, “When I come back here, can I stay?”

“You may but you always choose not to, you love your lessons,” was the reply I was given.

  This went on for what seemed like an eternity. I asked hundreds if not thousands of questions. Sometimes someone from my past would step from the crowd; they would step forward to help me understand the answers. I would recognize the ones that stepped forward and just by their presence the answer that I was given made more sense. Some of the questions are of a personal nature and I would rather not discuss them in this format.  Some of them I am not supposed to talk about yet. Someday maybe I’ll write a book about it all. I was told that I would remember this entire event and that remembering would be my choice.


  Let me try to answer your questions ahead of time.

I know that I existed outside of my body.

My awareness and acuteness was definitely at a higher state of realization during this event. My mental capabilities were much more focused but in ways that are different in life. My thought processes seemed to be greatly faster having many thoughts occur all at once. I also had feelings during the process that felt like I was in more than one place at one time. My senses were incredibly more vivid. I felt like I could see three hundred and sixty degrees around me all at once.  There was no need to turn or move to “see” something. People seemed to be smeared when they moved as if part of themselves trailed behind. Sounds like voices came from what I can only describe as in my head as opposed to coming from outside of myself. This did not alarm me – as a matter of fact it felt more normal than how we perceive sound here.

Yes I was shown or I showed myself everything about my life. The whole group shared in my experience. I wasn’t forced to do anything. I was pleased to be able to share. I could feel and see everything that I had ever done and said and could feel the effects that my actions and words had had on others. Think of it like this. What you say to your child or grandchild today can affect your great, great, great, great, great grandchild and on down the line. And so it is true of all of your other actions and interactions with all living and nonliving parts of creation. We do leave our mark. In any event I felt united with the world and with all of my experiences.  But the experiences that I shared and was shown by what I’d call “revision” were not just about this life. It was also about past lives and lives yet to be experienced.

Each moment seemed to be non-distinct as if the moment existed in the past and in the future at the same time. My thoughts were coming to me incredibly fast. Time did not speed up or slow down but everything seemed to happen all at once. I’m not sure that there is any correlation to time as we know it here verses time there.  Time seemed to stop or lost all meaning.  Time seemed to be more expansive than it is linear. As if time is nothing but a rubber band around events and not a measurement from point A to point B. As in - here it takes us ten minutes to get from here to there or some other amount of time. There I seemed to exist at all points of every reference point instantaneously so there was no need for any measurement between any reference points.

My religion before the experience was that I was raised Southern Baptist. I was saved and baptized in the church and had later moved over to being a Methodist. I no longer attend church and no longer proclaim any religion.  God is not interested in the past and it serves very little purpose in trying to hang onto the past other than to learn and remember the lessons attained in the past. What is important is that we continue to grow and not get mired down in the dogma of the past.

Everything is connected. Some elements of the experience are difficult to express in words. Not until you experience them will you understand what I mean. I sincerely hope that I am one in your crowd sharing in your experience and look forward to you being in my crowd, should you expire before me. It was real. I have fully remembered the experience just like any other past experience. I dream often of this event. Each time I feel rejuvenated and reawakened into the reality of it all. I look forward to returning.

Yes there were family members and loved ones that had gone on before. As they shared in my experiences I too shared in theirs.  I could see how our lives interrelated. One of whom was my grandfather. In his sharing I was made aware of him having molested his daughter, my father’s sister, my aunt when she was young. I could feel his remorse for his actions and how they had affected my aunt. I knew that a time would be given to me upon my return that I would have the chance to privately tell my aunt of my grandfather’s remorse.  I told her what I had experienced when she came to visit me in the hospital and was in recovery. She cried and stated that she had never told anyone. Today we share a special bond.

The return to this life was much like the exit. I floated away from the crowd and back through the portal. Again there were many in the tunnel with me. I never felt alone. As I crossed out of the portal the horrible train noise happened again. I awoke with the train noise just beginning to go into that Doppler Effect again as I opened my eyes. At first my vision was blurry much like it was when I came before the crowd. I could feel that I had something on my face and that air was being forced into me. I now know that it was one of those clear plastic bottles like devices where the EMT tech can press the sides of the bottle to breathe for you. The EMT tech was a beautiful girl. When I opened my eyes she said something to the effect that I had a pulse. I was in a lot of pain and I surely must have been moaning. While she breathed for me with her one hand she held my hand with her other. She said that I was going to be fine and that I would make it. Then she said “Welcome Back.”

There will be those who will want to know about the three beings that were directly in front of me. The bearded one let me know that his name was Jmmanuel and he made it clear that it was spelled with a J and not an I like Immanuel.  He let me know who he was to most of us. He also made it known to me that in his life he was never known as the name that he is known by us today. He also let me know that while I could use his name that I was not to give any other detail about him other than what I could see. He said this was important that those that are awakened by my experience – you must search for the truth yourself. So I’ll leave you now to your own experiences. I hope that in some way you’ve gained some peace from mine.

Oh, you’ll also want to know what it was that was my task and what I am here to do. My friend you’ve just witnessed what I was sent here to do………

Welcome Back.

These silent
walls
palpitates
like echoed Doppler
heart beats
& cacophony cries
I've longed for
& yet to hear.

Entangling
sticky loosened like sinews
with a crimson rope
trailing, tied to me
a hanging noose
from genitalia to abdomen.

metaphorical blindfolded
eyes never open
mouths sealed shut,
slippery-jelly wetness
cascading from limbs
unmoving,
warm arms hold me & try hard
to calm my wails.


I feel discombobulated
in this peril of darkness
with this injustice
the savage way life's ****** away my chance
of fulfillment, the radiant glow my whole being once held
O'how my soul's been stolen away,
                                

                                             each push
                                          

                                                            * each breath
                                                      

                                                               ­                *each heart


                    breaking   pain.


It's a invisible beating,
which keeps me flailing
& screaming
as consumptive
waves mistreat
my hoarding womb
wrecking havoc
in the
  
    most brutal
way.

Unyielding
pain deep within me
White coated sleeve
red bright metallic stains.

Masked faces
& eyes who can't
match my tearful stare
sound of
regret & sympathetic
mournful apologizes-

left  me defeated
               cheated
             out of the most
important things,

which matters
        only to me.

I'm never going to be
the same
not after this
*Miscarriage