I saw a picture, nothing special, just a black one with white words. It read,
"If you had the chance to **** yourself, no pain or blood involved and your family/friends wouldn't get hurt because of what you did....
Would you take it?"
At first, I said, "Hell yeah, I would," because at that current time, I was depressed, and hating, insulting, just plain berating myself...
But then I stopped.
I began to think on it, over, and over, and over.
I felt depressed because of everything I see, feel, hear, experience...especially because of my father. The belief that I had no right to be depressed because people have it so much worse that I do didn't exactly help either. Yeah, things get really messed up. I'm scarred mentally, physically, emotionally...I'm scarred. I get it. I don't lay my problems on others, though, but I urge others to talk of theirs so they don't bear it alone. Hell, I still do!
Whether I'm depressed or not, however, I constantly feel like nobody really cares, that they're pretending. But every time, I remind myself my mother cares, and so do some of my friends. I constantly get flashbacks of things I'd rather not remember, I always say I'm fine, with a smile. But honestly, I wish, all the time, that I wasn't a failure at everything I did. My poems...let's be honest, I think they ****. I tell myself that in time, I'll be alright. Maybe not tonight, but I will be. I've been like this since kindergarten, to be honest. I was...different? I wasn't exactly a kid, but I was still ignorant to many things. I just saw things differently, experienced/heard/felt/saw more things a kid shouldn't. So, I tried to save everyone around me from that. I let them dump their negativity onto me. I don't do it to others. I realize I can't help myself, save myself...I can't. Part of me is too far gone. I'm tired. Y'know, just....tired... Of letting my demons, my monsters that reside inside my soul win. They're real. They frighten me, and at times, most times, they'll win. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. I'm worthless. I'm pointless. I'm useless. I'm pathetic. I'm depressed- but you know what? I CARE. I don't mind if you're a complete stranger, because I care. And I'd rather talk to a stranger, than to a friend, because a stranger can't judge me. I lie to myself to make what I feel bearable. Nobody would ever love me, honestly, truly...Why would they...? My existence is fading away. But I stay silent, because I just need to let it happen. Why? I'm a failure. It's like I'm screaming. Loud as I can, just...screaming, and my lungs are burning. That's what it's like, and yet, nobody cares. It's like I'm being turned inside out, but nobody notices. I'm always alone, and I feel lonely, no matter how many people I meet, talk to...I'm lonely. I feel nobody can help, and I'm hurting myself by lying through a smile, for everyone else. This is so much more than emotional at this point, because it's affecting not just my lifestyle, but my body.
I knew that if I let someone speak to me the way that I speak to myself, I'd probably sock 'em in the freaking mouth. I don't look for attention, and I sure as hell don't want any sort of it. When I call myself ugly, or worthless, or even a mistake- I mean it, with all my heart I mean it. I hate it when people ask me what's wrong, because I don't even know myself. What goes on in my mind is classified even to me. I don't know. I haven't been sleeping, haven't been eating...Just staring at my ceiling. Thinking. I literally cannot sleep. And I'm TIRED. Of trying, hoping, coping with myself. Of breathing, living--- I'm tired of my own existence, for heaven's sake. I think about, "what if I died?" every day. I **** at functioning like a human being, I know. A lot of people do. That's why, I seriously hope that they're reading this right now. No matter how long this thing is getting. I don't mean much to people. When I'm no longer here, seriously nothing will change. I adore everyone on HP, because their poems...wow. So much emotion, so much meaning, but let's be honest. If I had suddenly stopped making poems, how many would notice?
I'm at war with myself, and I don't know if I'm winning OR losing. The other day, I got called a robot. My brother called me a robot when I was in grade school. I believe it. When I try talking to someone about this, they always tell me I should talk with someone about this. Uhm...aren't I now? But if they mean a professional, maybe I should **** myself. I feel like...I'm not feeling enough to go see one. Don't people usually always feel like this..? I don't know. But I still question myself, like, Am I heartless? Am I really that cold? I don't want to be, but I have to be. I'm not crying... I don't hope too much or trust too much. It can seriously hurt in the end. Yeah, I take those risks sometimes, but... I'm a coward in the end, nevertheless. There are times when I feel so empty, I think my bones, my blood, everything just evaporated. During those times, I have an insane urge to rip open my skin to see if it's true, because I'm getting worried someone will notice, and that someone is my mom. She has enough things on her mind... I began to let my intelligence reign over my feelings as a way to guard myself. Growing up in an environment I did ruins you, but I learned so much from it.
I don't believe humanity is as it should be, we are so cruel and cold. The scary thing is, I'm so used to this. I can't be happy for a moment. I feel that, if I am, the world will come crashing down. I don't know if I'll survive that. I've witnessed so much hate, however, that I'd rather die than be who I really am.
I've always been a silent person. I've come to terms that silence is the most powerful scream out there. Nobody can hear it- they don't bother to. It's like walking down an extremely long dark corridor, never knowing when- or *if- the light will turn on.
Albert Einstein- a quote of his spoke volumes to me. It's so true and raw in that one little line, I broke down and cried for the first time in a while. "Its very depressing to live in a time, where its easier to break an atom than a prejudice" - Albert Einstein
Again, back to that picture... "If you had the chance to **** yourself, no pain or blood involved and your family/friends wouldn't get hurt because of what you did....
Would you take it?"
...When I thought a bit more...okay, a lot more on it...
Life...it has its ups and its downs. In every emptiness we are feeling, there MUST be a solution. Often, I regret things I speak. But I've never regretted staying silent, not once. I saw another picture, too- "Life is like a flute...It may have many holes, and a lot of emptiness. But if you work on it carefully, it can play many magical melodies."
Everything...Feels hard. (I know, believe me. I know how it feels, how it hurts. I know some of you cry in the shower so no one will see the actual tears. I know you wait until everyone goes to bed, or leaves, to finally fall apart. It's not easy, but trust me, I know.) But when everything feels like a struggle, almost like walking up a hill (or climbing Mount Everest, if you will), just think... Think of the view you'll get to witness from the very top. When you have hurt someone, and you know you did, but don't want to apologize... Instead of beating yourself up over it like I know you do, just know that apologizing does not always mean you're wrong and the other party is right. It just means you value your relationship with said party, more than your ego. If they're really your friend, they have to forgive you. Just know that apologizing isn't in the word of "sorry". It's in the emotion you feel that leaks out, that shows just how sorry you really are.
I've posted a few poems about storms. My meaning behind them, is actually life. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's learning to dance in the rain." - Anonymous
Haruki Murakami: "When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person that walked in. That's what the storm is all about.
Face your life, people. I know what you're going through and I hope you're still reading this, if you are and not just skimming out of boredom or whatever. Face your life, and all the pain and pleasure that comes with it. Take every path. Leave no path untaken.
Randi G Fine is another brilliant man, guys. He said, "Our purpose is to grow through the many challenges we face while knowing that life as we know it is only temporary."
People do NOT tell you who you are. YOU tell them. They're NOT you. It is YOUR heart, and NOT theirs. Remember that.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." - Hayley Williams
And it does. Things may seem hard now, but with every challenge, you come out more knowledgeable than before. You discover a little more not only about yourself, but everything around you.
Strength..doesn't reside in having never been broken or hurt or destroyed or betrayed. It lives in the courage that's required to grow strong in every little piece.
No matter how you feel, get up, get ready for the day, and show up with a smile and yourself. Never give up on anything. "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the **** on." -Tupac
This speaks volumes of things for many situations. **** happens, but you know what? What if life, without everything we face? It's hard to believe it, but others know what your going through. Trust me. Anyone reading this- you don't know me, I'm a stranger. But as I said, it's easier to talk about your problems to a stranger, than to a friend. A stranger can't judge you. So, feel free, I'll listen and speak only when you want me to.
You're best teacher is your last mistake. However, with this in mind, always know that there is no such thing as failure. Only learning.
While that may seem like a contradiction, it isn't. The word "Failure" isn't a mistake. Failure is just a word. Mistakes teach you.
With that in mind, to those who disagree and still feel like a failure, and want to believe failure is a word- Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm (-William Churchill). You'll encounter a problem like this many times in life. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. (Henry Ford)
I went through this with many people, but I always stayed. The last time, I didn't: "The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away." -Alyala Harrie.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson (Guys, how much does this site let you write? o.O)
If you are constantly worried about your past, or your future, don't. It'll take shape as you go along, but you have to mainly work on what lies within. If you can't help yourself internally, you'll have a hell of a time externally.
Know that everyone makes mistakes. Don't expect others to forgive you if you can't forgive them. Enough said.
"People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely." -Hans F. Hansen
If you get mixed up in the wrong crowd, depending on how far deep you're in, you CAN get out on your own. If you feel you need support, GET IT. There are people in this world who will help you right off the bat, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
You may think you're weak, but you never realize how strong you are, until that's the only choice you have.
So you had a bad day. It's not worth punishing yourself over. Get up, and charge right back in, don't let one bad decision drive you crazy. Get back to making decisions that improve your health and your happiness and your life. You are who you choose to be.
For those that have trouble letting go, I know it's hard. Letting go is a *****. But sometimes, it's necessary. Just don't ever say goodbye, for that means forgetting. And forgetting means letting go for all eternity.
Don't do that.
Breathe. It's a bad day, not a bad life. It can get worse, but also know that it CAN GET BETTER.
And if you have problems with a lover, say their past...If you truly love someone, accept their past and leave it there.
And that part where I said it's like walking down a long dark corridor? What makes it worth it, is the hope that, no matter how long or dark it is, to every corridor...to every tunnel...there is and end. And at the end of it, there is light. And to stretch this further, as soon as you're embraced by the light, you can look back with a smile, knowing you went in as someone else, but came out someone you're most likely proud to be.
That's...the meaning of life, I think.
But I honestly don't know. I'm just a kid, and I'm still in my tunnel. But I do know that there is an end.
Okay. I've gone on long enough.
I'm so sorry this is so long. I just know people are suffering out there like I am- many, worse. Everything I've listed, I've experienced. People, I've experienced so much, but I won't put it on here, because to be honest, this is probably hella long. Don't hesitate to message me and talk to me. I'll get back to you asap, and anything you ask about that's not on here, I WILL answer you. You are NOT alone.
And haters...Shut the hell up. Seriously? When you open your mouth to speak, before you do, ask yourself- is whatever you're about to say (or in this case, type) more beautiful than silence? Silence is the best reply to a fool, haters, and you will receive that very answer: Silence.
Silence is a gift. Value its essence, PLEASE, haters. Your silence is your self-defense.
Thank you, guys. Once again I'm so sorry this is long, and definitely not a poem.
I'm so sorry, but really. Don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm no professional, but I've been through a lot, and I'd rather help people the best I can if I can help it instead of watching so many beautiful and amazing people like you all suffer instead.
This isn't really a poem, but I figured I'd share it. I have posted, and have seen many others posts that are...rather....depressing, poems and/or stories on here...And I hope, I truly hope that some of them will read this, and that it consoles them. I'm so sorry that it is so long, but...
Laugh so hard that even Sorrow smiles at you.
Fight so strong that even Fate accepts defeat.
Love so true that even Hatred walks out of the way.
And Live life so well that even Death loves to see you exist.