Walking Grand
Seeing friends of broken dreams
******* eyes crying streams
A constant river of hopes and lies
Selling grams,
Ounces, lies, those streams cry
Too many children for the mother to look after
See Cruz in the Tomorrow
Then Yesterday comes
And a year passes with no difference
Just more drive in Coca eyes
Snorting grime in afternoon midnights
Dirt nothing
Dirt nothing
Pity the soul who gives up forgiving and knows It All
Come springtime,
Gonna plant in the shadows, fortune growing
Plants - medicine - drug - confiscated time
Forgive the mind
Time ain’t time
Grime is grime
Prositituted hearts selling gold and green and white and brown
Trying for rent, in the gutter come night
No fight to vent, too numb, just can’t
Lawns come bedrooms
Bushes come kingsize
Bleeding nose and veins
Throwing needles in the park
The garden
The sidewalk
The supermarket
The local furniture outfit
You see,
They ain’t free
It ain’t me
I try, but there’s nothing to try for
Shoot fountains,
Smack come crack
Hotel burning back
Moment to pack
Heavy, heavy sack
Breaking my back
***** drag
No turning back
No den for slack
Sailing sick towards public arrest
Friends turn friends like rotating doors
Come and come again
In the middle of the day
Confidence doesn’t matter
Exploring blankets of warmth and escape
Poor, poor parades of humiliation
Humiliating Truth
Standing like stamps to smoke
Sad rock crumbling on diamond mirror
Scattering stairs to escape
Towards the park
Away from the dark -
Where’s the light?
Something ain’t right -
Vampires are lurking
And nothing seems to work
Save me if you can -
I’d save myself if I could

Who am I ?
Can I ever aspire to touch that shining spot,
Suspended in the entirety?

This base form is bound.
Every agent a shackle;
Every constant a fetter.

And 'this' the final frontier beyond which lies the ever unattainable.

I am but a constituent;
A byproduct.
An aberration.

And such shall never surpass the goal of ordinance.
Or seek to know more than that which is due.
For futile is this search
And that which I hope will ensue from it.

It's been five years
since the Moon spoke to me
And I did my best to listen
and remember

I'd never been more lost
never felt more alone and confused
never been closer to death
than I was that year
Technically an accident
but living so recklessly
"accidents" become a near certainty
so I am not free of responsibility
I nearly ended my self

Grasping at straws for months on end
Clutching at any whispered fragment of hope
of a Way Out
One morning
I heard a news report
about an upcoming celestial event
a Total Lunar Eclipse
of the Full Moon
I barely noticed it
thought nothing of it
changed the channel
and landed on a cartoon
about the embodiment of the Tao
in the Spirit of the Moon
and something clicked
I know that click
I'm intimately familiar with that click
I have been my whole life
But it'd been almost a year since I'd last felt it
I thought it was gone
gone forever
but here it was again
from a news report
and a cartoon
a cartoon!
of all things
but unmistakeable nonetheless
something about the Tao
and the Moon
and an eclipse

That night five years ago
the night of the eclipse
I didn't know what to do
I almost gave up
but I finally decided to go through with it
out of a sense of absolute desperation
I had nothing left
I might as well
At the appointed time
I took my posture
half-lotus in front of my altar
set flame to candle
and recel
I tried to relax
to let go
to empty myself
I found my Center Mind
and reached inward
to the Void
When it was time I let myself go
drifting up out of my body
flying through the atmosphere
floating in space
above the Earth
staring at the glowing white surface of the Moon
filling my vision
with cratered beauty
and profound grace

And I waited
I watched as a shadow crept across the face of the Moon
from East to West
as the Earth behind me
moved slowly between us and the Sun
And I waited
until the shadow blotted out the Moon entirely
leaving me in darkness
And I waited

And nothing happened

And I felt something inside me break
I had been so certain
that click had always meant The Way before
but nothing had happened
I must really be Lost then
so I gave up
and started to let myself fall back to my body

Just then
the eclipse broke
as the Earth continued on its Way
the shadow began to leave the face of the Moon
a brilliant crescent of white light blinded me from the eastern edge
and I heard a voice that was not my own say

All things that Are, are Change

As amazing as the experience was
a voice inside my head
that I did not recognize
I was still let down
What it had said was
hardly news to me
a paraphrasing of Heraclitus
"All things that Are, are Fire"
The only Constant is Change
Nothing is Certain
except Uncertainty
et cetera
I knew that
had been living it
for years
the purview of Chaos
Nothing is True
and Everything is Permitted
Kids' stuff
arm-chair mysticism
Tell me something I don't know
I said
And the voice answered

You cannot be Good
You cannot be Bad
You can only Be

And suddenly I knew
what should've been obvious
all along
Good and Bad are entirely subjective
just ideas
not Truth
their existence depends entirely
on our particular point of view
at any given moment
there is no single thing in this Universe
that is entirely Good
or entirely Bad
every single thing is both
Good and Bad
depending on your circumstance
your point of view
how you look at it
just as no single thing in this Universe
is entirely Yin
or entirely Yang
every single thing is both
Yin and Yang
that is the Way
that is the Tao

How had I lost sight of that?
What had happened to me?
I wanted more
I knew there was more
I asked the Spirit of the Moon
What else?
and Manni-Moon-Yin replied

Look on the Bright Side
Make the Most of it

Again it suddenly seemed so obvious
it followed naturally that
if all things are both
Good and Bad
then it must be our choice
to view them either one way
or the other
Joy is not a circumstance
Happiness is not an event
something beyond our control
that we must wait for
wait until it happens to us
No
It is a choice
it is something that we do
or don't do
So if there is Good in every single thing
then all I need to do
is choose to see it

Reeling
Overwhelmed
Overcome
Humbled
Awed
I asked
Is that all?
And Manni-Moon-Yin replied

You are Amazing
And so is Everyone Else

Human existence is
astronomically improbable
We should not exist
We are the end result
of a billion
one-in-a-billion chances
all coming up Jackpot
even the worst of Us
is an absolute ******* miracle of Nature
the most amazing thing in the known Universe
the Living Embodiment of Tao
a Human Being
an astounding accident
a chemical formula so complex
that it has become aware of itself
and I am one of them
and I should never lose sight of that
I am one of these ridiculously
outrageously
amazing pinpoints of sentience
and so is every single other person I will ever see
or hear
or touch
or encounter in any way
throughout my entire life
Each person is an Individual
and I can't know them
can't know their experience
or their circumstance
so it is unfair
and pointless
and rather ridiculous
to try and judge them
when we are all equally amazing
each in our own Way

I said Goodbye then
to Sifu
to Master
to Manni-Moon-Yin
and slowly fell back to Earth
back to my body
back to my self
anchored by Knowing
by finally Knowing
something
some True thing
again
with certainty
and clarity

To this day
I do not know
whose voice I heard that night
the Moon Spirit's
or my own
my Unconscious
and I don't care
it makes no difference to me
either way
because the words that voice spoke
are Truth
undeniable
inarguable
solid
foundational
Truth
and I will remember them
for as long as I live
and as long as I remember them
I will never again
be lost

Bluish grey light like bleeding ink
Creeping through the sleepy sky
And blending together like pencil shade
All of earth is a constant shadow
Concrete stained like pale skin on aching bones
Unconscious organisms holding still
Holding tough throughout the rain
Unaware they feel no pain
Mornings come to wake the day
Time has come to sip on sugar grain

A peddler on a mission
Entreating for loose change
deeking reserves that no other man wants
His expectations are low, but his heart is high
Roaming the streets for simple mementos
Can hardship be so enrich to one's soul
Gravel is his bed to sleep
Cardboard is his shelter to hide
Old blankets is his comfort
But happiness keeps him free
To be poor is not an endless journey
But a constant reminder
An everlasting pursue
Is nourishment to your spirit
Being able
To envision you

where ironically I had met two good people,
they like me got caught up in the desires
of too much too easily, turned white powder or green buds
into easy money, got ratted out by some bad dudes.

Time and space compressed into six by eight
and seconds so vast , made you question  god
sanity your preferences and friends. Made me dream of cigarettes.
Lit up then disappearing as I tried to take a puff.

forgot desires dreams tomorrow, it's the way
the condemned survive. Gave up the thoughts of revenge, tried to
stop the constant dread of closing eyes
seeing your two year old or wife crying.

made a way around the baddest cons, gotta face them
eye to eye or be their ***** forever, and the iron did not ever
take that from me. It stole my soul pride independence future
kids hope and religion, never made me ****, never could,
make me that.

I was told what to eat when to talk walk sit stand speak, yeah
like a dog, had my fill of thugs guards wardens parole boards
the rec room the basketball court the scene,
then came across two of the baddest dudes

quite like me who took their lumps, showed me how to
make great tacos out  of commissary crud, how to roll a
toilet paper cigarette , how to hide my shank and my pencils.

they told me of the dudes who caved in to the feds
and got off for turning them in. What they once had plans
to do to them. But got smart. So smart they became teachers preachers
jailhouse lawyers superfly calm and confident inside.

And I got out.
I had never fallen for the jailhouse Christian ****, the hail mary's said by the crack head murderers who thought JC might get them out. The child rapists, house invaders, lower than dogs, who promised, with
that emptiness of eye that they now were saved.******* weak hypocrites. ******* electric chair heros, crying I am sorry. Fry them.

It was Saturday night. They gave me a set of clothes and twenty bucks.
Pushed me out into the night, clutching a small piece of paper that held my two friends  names and jailhouse numbers on it. I had something.
I walked as far as fast as I could. No destination in mind, no course plotted, I walked up hill this time though. The hard way I had been taught.

I arrived at a fancy Cathedral in town at ten the next morning. Marveled at the well dressed people and fancy cars. Everything seemed
shining. Until I saw all the well- heeled turn around and gasp as
I sank wearily alone into the back pew.

I woke up with people washing my feet.
Now I gotta write Jimmy and Bubba in jail,
and profess, there is hope.
Tell them there is more than us three
good people on earth.

You are a rose in my grey and green winter.
Beautiful, Beautiful,
perfect skin, perfect smile, perfect heart.
You are my shade on a sunny day,
my safe refuge.

I'm a no one.
I'm a *****.
I'm a heart breaker.

Your dazzling eyes don't blink at me.
Your sweet little smiles don't show for me.
Your lovely laugh doesn't fill my air.
Its not even that you want me or do not want me,
You do not even acknowledge me.

My heart shatters when I think of you.
You, my beautiful constant reminder no one is safe to love me.
You are perfect, you are what I strive to be good enough for.
The only kind of man I could ever love, but there lies my worst catch.
No one like you could ever love me,
horrible, nasty, two faced me.

My hate for you is because I love you,
not for you, but for me for loving you.

Goodbye my lovely prince,
Goodbye my lovely outcast,
Goodbye my lovely king,
For loving you is killing me,
killing the witch you were born to vanquish.

Knew our time together was coming to an end
Simple things started becoming a chore
Its easy to say that ya we would always be friends
But ive heard those false promises before

Though our time spent was some of the
best ever
It seemed truly never to get outta 2nd gear
And the friend i am is not fair weather
I dont need to be living in constant fear

So i bid you fare thee well
I will remember this short interlude
Rather split now than go thru another hell
No disrespect not tryin to be rude...

Have you ever wondered
What it's like to live a life that's been plundered
Body and emotions *****
What kind of monstrous life it shaped

Let me tell you a story
I apologize now, it maybe a little gory
It's about a little girls life
How she was forced to walk on the edge of the knife

The sadness started at her birth
At this event there was no mirth
Before her a brother at 4 months had died
She was not born a boy so her mother cried
But she was the apple of her Dad's eye

So for the next 7 years
Her world was full of cheer
Except for her mother's geers

There was mud pies
Sunny sky's
Bicycle rides
Slip and slides
Camping trips
Potato chips
Fishing poles
Daddy's hand to hold
Big sisters kisses
Mother's suppers delicious

Then came the split
Her heart was ripped

A dad rarely seen
A mother that was mean
Then came the step dad, what he did was obscene

A mom never knowing
Around the girl the darkness was growing
The keys on his belt jingled down the hall
He was coming to call
Under the covers the girl of 8 cowered
For he held all the power

Step dad beat the girl's mom all the time
He threatened the child, "tell no one, I claim you as mine"
She told not a soul, not even her Dad
She was afraid step dad would hurt him bad
Besides a new family with a new baby boy her Dad had

So she suffered in silence till the age of 14
When thinking back on what her years had gleaned
For her dad had recently passed away
It made her heart cave
She made a trip to the cemetery laid down on his grave
Took a handful of sleeping pills, death she craved
To her disappointment around noon the next day she woke up
Trudged back home, knowing she would have to drink the wrath from her mother's cup

Fast forward a few years
There was still plenty of tears
The sins of a mother is like no other
On the little girl they covered and smothered
The little girl knowing only pain as love
The girl married a man that beat and shoved

After four kids of her own, 3 daughters and a son
She found the key to her rusty cage and made a run
She was bound and determined thier childhood would be full of fun

For man's wicked way she had been shown
So for 13 years her and her kids lived all alone
She tried her hardest to protect them from the monsters
Only family was let close enough to love and foster

She didn't realize her mother had married ANOTHER *******
The little girl's  SON'S soul was tossed into the fire
Though she questioned her children all the time, the results was the same
Her son suffered in silence and shame
Even though the little girl didn't know, she was mom and she was to blame
All of her love couldn't heal her sons pain

The years ticked by
She lived under the darkest of skies
Her son's anger grew
He's words created scars that where new
Along with the constant every two year visits of the abusive alcoholic she had once been chained to

That girl decided her kids where grown and with her life she was through
Swallowed two bottles of pills
Praying it would cure all her ills
She went behind the veil to the dark quite abyss
Her children would be all she missed
Much to her chagrin
Those doctors brought her back to life again

Fast forward just two more years
There would be new founded fears
That abusive alcoholic made another visit, dragged her to the woods
***** her in the worst way he could
He left her miles from nowhere, bruised and bartered
More holes in her soul, ripped and tattered

That was a year ago
The darkness from it all still grows
She struggles every day
As she tries to keep the demons and darkness at bay
For her thoughts heavily weigh
When she thinks back on her life in decay

Are you wondering what happened to that little girl lost
How she lives on still paying the cost

Well you see
That Little girl is me

I'm still all alone
In my bedroom at home
That is where I cry
Screaming at a non existing God why
Why, I was only given a few happy years
With agony the rest was filled
Not understanding why I was spit out of deaths mouth, just to be ***** again
Tell me God, at the age of 8 what was my sin
Why was I condemned
Never to see blue skies again

poetry i do believe
soon will be the death of me
as it takes over heart, mind, and soul

at my detrimental cost
it's all i ever think about
as it burrows deep to gain control

at this edge of time all i find
is my live as one long rhyme
with the need to stamp on it a title

for all the world to see and read
yes he caved to poetry
and completely lost out on the battle

When you were young, what did you think your life would be?
When I close my eyes, I can still see every detail
But I never saw people
I wrote myself off as
Unattached
Never really here, always trying to be there
You’d be surprised
How easy it is to turn off emotion
If you practice

Now I find the clichés about life to be true
Something about constant change
My grandmother singing
“People, people who need people”
Somewhere in the back of my head
Perhaps it’s a mature stance
To value people over things and ideas

Maybe I was just wrong
Or I’m losing my edge
It’s surprising how much it hurts to turn emotion on
To let myself care
But the things I never concerned myself with
Have a strange new importance
My softer, duller edges seem to be screaming something I used to be unable to hear
And for the first time
I understand

self love and affirmations
are so cringeworthy to me --
that's mean, i know.
the perfect depiction of
schaudenfraude.
but it's so needed.

sometimes this space feels too small
with no more balcony
you blow smoke directly in my face
stain our ceiling fan black
give me a contact high
while i try to multitask on five
things at once,
unsuccessfully,
ever more unsuccessfully.

i've lost all focus.

i just want a clean bed,
soft sheets,
a sink free from ***** dishes
and every manner of walking and
flying insect
-- this constant infestation.

i just want clean air,
to breathe,
bikes that don't break and
don't get stolen.
shoes that protect my feet
from the grime that slickly coats
the sidewalks of LA black.
shoes that are also pretty.

i don't have any of this.
money, money, money
i'm always crying over you.
i'm sick of your ****,
but i'm forever bound to you.
and you treat me cruelly
taunt me with everything i can't have.

"joke's on you my friend,
you better guess again,
cause everybody's gotta pay their way"

"death is easy, life is hard"

I put up curtains
So the sun couldn’t seep in
To hide the fact
That my pain was slowly leakin
Bleeding out
Felt like I had nothin to believe in
Opened up
And got kicked in the teeth when
I only had love
But soon jealousy would sneak in
We tried to front
But our hearts were only seekin
Custody of love in its entirety
And not just on the weekends  

And though we had it
It was laced with irony
Because love will slowly morph
Into a monster that tries to swallow me
And it’s not under the bed
Like they say in the movies
This **** lives in my head
And tries to control me
Like a puppet to its master
I feel strings at my throat
Because my emotions are always faster
Than I can cut the ropes

I’m a hopeless romantic too
In this wicked wild game
Which makes it hard for me to part ways with you
Because I feel this overwhelming shame

Because I’m mostly hopeless
When it comes to love affairs
Let the romantic slip my grip
When I feel like you don’t care

All I want is to know you love me
And to always prove I love you too
Because if you’re my reckless decision
I’ll always continue to choose you

Like a drug
You’re my strange addiction
I’m in constant need of you
A prisoner to loves conviction
Too blind to see the truth
That I’m not that wise
I’m infected by my youth
But I have to survive
And what else can I do?
But fight to stay high
And keep acting aloof

Here’s the proof

I once said ignorance is bliss
Until I learned the hardest lesson
That There’s love in every kiss
You can save the vague confessions
And there it is again
It’s slowly creepin in
The jealousy that takes my words
And slides out from my pen

I suppose thats my fatal flaw
Which adds development to the character
So I should be real evolved
Because I’m full of flaws and failure

Yet I try to give my all
In everything I do
But I always hit a wall
Wandering Far into the blue  
Lost Looking at the stars
To tell me what to do

It’s the only place that ever feels  like home
I Can look up at the sky at night
And not feel so alone
So i wonder if the constellations
Can give me a consolidation
On the humiliation,
of my constant reconciliation
With my own temptation
Think I love living in damnation

I’m never patient

Remember I said emotions rule my world
twisting and turning my thoughts
Watch them twirl
Might give em a whirl
While they swirl
Out of my brain
In the form of rambling words
Maniac is the strain
Roll it up and lick the wrap
Spark it up and smoke that


Expand and deflate
My lungs are irate
Might choke up on the sentiment
And start to suffocate
Cause thoughts can be killers
They’ll cut the brakes too
When your mind is going 100
And there’s nothing you can do
Heading straight into traffic
Your heart will start to race
And you quickly start to panic
Now it’s terror on your face

Hear the glass around you shatter
Feel it digging deep within
Now the thoughts that never mattered
Are carved into your skin

Tear drops turn to Whiskey
They fall so fast these days
Please tell me that you miss me
To help and ease the pain

One
I'm sorry.  
Of course, you'll never know it.
I'm writing poems to a ghost by proxy, 
Gone before you even had fingernails or looked like a
Tangible thing and not some alien parasite.  

I heard once
That a soul can't inhabit a body
Until it takes the first breath of
Oxygen into it's lungs,
And if that's the case,
I'm sorry I stole the taste from you.

Two
I built a monument for your martyrdom
In the city of my thoughts, somewhere
Between the Relationship Trauma District,
And Motherhood Gardens.
It is a bronzed sunflower held in a mangled fist.
Your older sister takes me there in her laughter.

Three
You have to understand,
The man that put us both in this predicament
Didn't know how to keep his hands to himself
Or know how to fight his own demons without drawing
Someone else's blood trying to shadowbox with them.
How could I choose to potentially
Give him the opportunity to ever draw yours?  

Four
I'm sorry that we were careless,
Played Russian roulette with a loaded pistol
One by one slid five bullets between six chambers,
Haphazardly I spun the cylinder.
Placed the barrel to the roof
Of my mouth for good measure
Pulled the trigger, heard the faint click
Of my future, and then it was his turn.
I didn't think through the repercussions of
Lying in a grave before it had even been dug.  
Sharing blame and co-dependency
Intrinsically fed off of each others pain,
We entwined and made something out of hatred,
And I'm sorry that was you.

Five
Even now I hear myself say these words and,
It sounds selfish parading itself as selfless
Why didn't I say no or protect myself with
Contraceptives or just not have *** with him?
******* adoption, HELLO?
Or at the very least swallow.  Right?  
Right. I blame myself a lot too, there's really no
Reason to tell me things I already scream
At myself about inside of my head.  
Or is it my mother's voice?  I can't tell anymore.
She had a lot of opinions about you,

Six
There are so many hoops I had to jump through,
Contortionist poses to assume, to do this.
I'm sorry it's the most flexible I've allowed
Myself to be in all my life.
But,
Do not think I didn't mourn you.

Seven
For  years after I will run my palm over my stomach
And feel the concave of your absence inside of me
The less than, The empty
A hollow cavern that crumbled bit by bit, eroded by
Wave after wave of guilt in hightide
During a tropical storm,  
The malestrom that howled within now
Only taunts me anymore, with a constant hum,
The echoes of the pitter-patter
Of a light rain. The heartbeat I only heard once.

Eight
Would you hold me in a different light
If I told you that despite
All the darkness surrounding how I feel
About it, I don't regret the choice?  
Lamentful, burdened with
Would-haves and could-haves
But rooted in affirmations, knowing full well
That the heartache would have been far worse
For everyone in the long run,  

Nine
That I feel like I saved you.
That I feel like I saved both of us.
I'm sorry.

Ten
Sorry.
The word  falls from my lips like a void purport
To a forgiveness that I will never receive.

A sadness in my heart tonight
must be told, then dim that light.
To never see its face again,
and feel the pain that eats within.

A tragedy befell, you see,
and stormy nights still torture me.
She fell and died while in my keep,
and now it haunts my every sleep.

Her face so blank and eyes opaque,
my heart fell hard, and then to ache.
No turning back what time hath wrought,
my constant conscience battles fought.

A fear of storms was Mollie's fate,
the night was dark, the hour late.
As thunder rumbled in her chest,
and her heart pounded in her breast.

To run and hide, but never from
the storm that was about to come.
She climbed atop a place to see,
what made this horror, what could it be.

But leashes length, a noose had made.
Fell to her death, no more afraid.
I found her hanging from the chair,
part of my soul still hanging there.

For simple errors can take a life,
trip up the stairs, slip of the knife.
I put the wrong leash on that night,
it strangled her, I took her life.


*Forgive me my fellow poets for this unintentionally dark poem. The tragedy happened a year ago and I am still trying to find some closure. Mollie was a little mixed dog that I was fostering for a local shelter. She was kind and playful, but deathly afraid of storms

Unfortunately it did not last and all was brought to an end. I did the things I did before I was deep within.
In love with you this is true but you were not with me, so I was left out in the dark to discover infidelity.

This is that story:
Pulling away from me he did and I did not know what to do. I tried and tried and tried but could not get through.
A wall so strong nothing could ever penetrate it, not even the truth from my mouth that I could save myself from it.
The "it" I speak of was the actions I took to feel complete knowing deep down they were all temporary.The thought of another caressing my body was there but soon after I took action and became ensnared.
My heart desires were so unfulfilled and I could not understand train of thoughts or if they were even real.
His hand grabbed me close and my eyes lit up like fire for the flesh I was giving was to burn up with desire.
Naked I was on top of another man while mine lie asleep just in the next room unaware of selfish cans.
I can do this and not feel bad because of our constant bickering but that was false and the body became tainted my hands were so sticky. Sticky with the guilt that I let another defile me the way that you use to do, only it was right because you were mine and I belonged to you. Where did we go wrong this I do not know but the flesh is speaking and the bed is squeaking so please just let me go. Let me go be with the ones that do want me. The many hands that graze my chest and grab my **** is countless to the naked eye but the naked body remembers the input of those whom were let in and some how I choose to die. Die a little inside for this is all new to me, to cheat on the man I love with more than one company. And now you have moved on and my heart is broken in two for it was you whom held it all along now i don't know what to do.

I disrespected and betrayed your trust but you played your part too so I say this last line in the remembrance of you.
I forgive you and I forgive myself for a grudge is not healthy whenever you realize the power of lust only then will you see.

Blessed be.

Our opia
Was *****
On winter nights and
Beneath the summer sun
You looked at me
And fueled my addiction

Our love
Melancholy melody
Droned on
Through the seasons
A constant craving
Until finally I ran out of you

You left me
My addiction still raging full force
You left me
With no help through detox  
And that is why it killed me

I'm looking forward to the kisses that trace along my skin
lips kissing lips, tongue breaking skin
but then again, I could be getting a little to used to this whole celibacy thing
the idea that I have become one with myself, taking the time to get to know me again
but nothing could compare to what I have learned to conjure up deep within
the urges for affection
a good cuddle when it's all over
the arms of a man and his scent better than a blanket to cover
but the constant urges to touch
to feel
the need to be relieved of the stress
that need to have that loneliness healed
no worries about if I'm his one and only
if there is potential beyond today for love
just me, my thoughts, and perhaps a strong toy when it all becomes a bit too much

Twisting

Slithering

A never-ending chaotic morass

Winding through

No sooner does the light of dawn bleed over the horizon

Than the shadowy form of dread

Eclipses and quenches the fledgling beam

Waging a constant battle

Darkness always seemingly victorious

or...

Ba da da ba

Juxtapose the extremities

Daddy-o

The slicker downs a bottle of rye

Hits the open road in a beat up coupe

Off to see that daring young man

On the flying trapezoid

Zoom - zap - yowza

Upside

Downside

Thru the water

Ellipsis!!

Awakening

Comes

Slowly

But

Inevitably

Like

the inexorable process

Of

continental d r i f t

Self-awareness

Dawns upon the unsuspecting soul

Crashing down

Edifice of  substance

No more.

I miss you, I want to see you. But not because it’s “couple season” – not because it’s cold and gloomy and city lights explode with hands conjoined. You are worth more than the missed holidays, more than the occasions spent without us being in the company of one another: Hallowe'en, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, probably your birthday, too, as well as Valentine’s, and our anniversary.

On these specially marked days, I feel a certain emptiness as you, my beloved other half, is not present with me, yet that which is not emptiness, for you still fill my heart plenty. In these times, I feel envy as lovers are so obviously visible everywhere, yet that which is not envy, for they are not you. I may suffer from your absence but I don’t suffer from jealousy. See, I love you, this one man who cannot compare to the likes of any other, this one man who strangely loves me back, this one man who’s mine and to whom I’m his.

You are so very special to me and you mean a lot to me. I love you, I lurve you, I lava you, ILY (code), I <3 U (symbols), je t'aime, saranghae (Korean) – I want to say it a gazillion times and it wouldn’t be enough, and yet I don’t want to say it because it’s only an ensemble of words, an expression that is just too common, overused, cliché and weak, whose (level of) meaning doesn’t remain constant. Perhaps I could keep coining new ones, but then again I don’t want to be simply, mindlessly uttering or writing them like so, as if out of habit.

I want this so-called “love” to be conveyed in such a way that – a tap on the shoulder, a  homemade dinner and handcrafted gifts, a random drive, a silent gaze, a goodbye hug and a goodnight kiss, my sleep-mumbling in your ear and your snoring on my nape, and the sharing of clothes – would melt our heart and let us fall a little deeper, therein meaning exponentially more than a mere, verbal, three-worded clause, “I love you.” That’s the kind of love I want us to be… partaking in.

Today, eight months later, (although I am still thirteen hours ahead, still 8,070 miles East, and still not in your arms…) at the last stroke of the small hand, we both wave and bid farewell to 2015 and welcome and gaze at 2016.

I’m thankful that love found us, I’m glad that we followed, and I’m happy that our relationship remains in the present.

May the new year be full of goodness!

i simultaneously long for life and death
i want to **** myself, but don't want to die
i want to disappear into a nothingness
i want to float up into the sky
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

in crowds, i get panicked and weepy
alone, i suffocate on the floor
i belong to no person or thing or place
and i fall to pieces behind that bedroom door
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

sometimes, i'm just teeming with emotion
the pain and the love and the best and the worst
all of the feelings get twisted together
until i'm sure that i'm going to burst
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

on the contrary, sometimes i feel numb
i'm immune to the pain of this place
i can't feel the good or the bad or ugly
it's amazing what you can hide behind a happy face
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

i constantly feel like i'm empty
and that i've got nothing left to give
i feel like i'm broken and done for
and that there's no reason for me to live
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

i write suicide notes in my free time
and count the number of ways i could do it
and hide pills away in the drawers of my dresser
like my own little "how-to" death kit
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

i keep razors and knives in my bookcase
i have methodically placed lines on my wrist
i long for the pain and the blood that it brings
i flirt with the demon of death, and then give it a kiss
     (but maybe that's just a teenager thing)

i live in a world of pain and anxiety
in constant fear of the people that i'm supposed to love
i think that i want to die, but what is want is to be free
depression's the cage, and i am the dove

but i guess that must be a teenager thing.

Death stole a soul from its earthly place no other can fill the empty place for thirty years each one gave
A little and then a little more in time mathematics over ruled and was disallowed two became one. The heart
Of love ever watchful try as you may the bond unseen unshakeable unbreakable this spouse this was the
Only house my soul has found unending rest within these walls our ease measureless as infinity. We can
Search earth and universe but not one glimpse, it was one of a kind just one face.

Commitments watchful eye never allowed disorder steal away even while surrounded by friends these
Eyes fixed to yours through them pour each moment love’s torrent we go to distant habitations passing
On always to carefree laughter oh this stronghold our union has made only lions know these privileged
Paths we walk together hand in hand a man and a woman who tasted fruit as it had to be back in Eden
Purest delight no dark turning only the light drenching quenching every longing.

Time was the banner unfurled our covering protecting shield over head rain and sun deflected as we
Strolled past ruins of former days then it spoke softly of permanent connections that always flowed into
Promise filled tomorrows to soon it would speak of unbearable sorrow. The one would be left only as a
Half plunged from brightest light into darkest gloom, people still stir and go about their business I walk
By them they are whole while I walk in half light and I am blinded and confused once everything made
Sense. Now only senseless starved for a single meaning anything to stop the pain.

Moving forward is the only constant it leads to only more desperate pleadings that go unheard through
Black and twisted dead wasteland I feebly stumble I see you momentarily only to have you vanish if only
I could pass into the forgotten world where memories were unlawful and strictly enforced but then I
would lose you again no soul could survive that torment. Though tears flow unbidden in them you are
Alive they hold within their fiery drops the unquestionable hope of that eternal tomorrow.

I am in need of my own world,
One where I can be set free,
Please somebody make this true,
A world where it's just you and me.

Snitches and unfairness,
Begin to surround us both,
Exaggerating the truth,
And stunting our love's growth.

People these days just **** me off,
They need to get their own **** love,
They need to leave our life alone,
And let ours soar just like a dove.

After blowing off some anger,
And letting myself dream,
You are everything I want,
No matter how crazy it may seem.

I could spend forever in your arms,
And constantly long for your kiss,
I love everything you are,
Which makes you very easy to miss.

No one knows how you make me feel,
Even my own brain does not know,
Only my own heart can tell,
How you make it beat and grow.

Whenever I am with you,
All my strength has to hold me back,
From never letting you go,
And losing the thing I lack.

I wish this nightmare would end,
And I could be reliving my dream,
Of that one wonderful time with you,
Of just us underneath the moon beam.

I miss you so much now,
Even though I see you everyday,
I just want a moment alone,
With just actions and no words to say.

Every kiss that we share,
Sends a shiver down my spine,
I yearn for your touch all the day,
And another time to call you mine.

Every moment just-in your presence,
Makes me want to smile real large,
I try to hide my great big grin,
But it is no use when your in charge.

I know your always there for me,
Even when we can't be near,
The small and important words you say,
Can keep me going and lose all fear.

Your hugs make me melt in your arms,
I long for that constant feeling,
Your warmth and your embrace,
Help me speed all this healing.

It's taken me weeks to write this thing,
Cause I just have so much to say,
I just love you no matter what,
More and more each and every day.

I miss you all and every time,
Even though I see you here now,
I just wanna be with you a lot,
I just do not know how.

I love you so very much,
I continue to watch this feeling grow,
We know what we both think,
And the others... Well they don't know.

caught, alone, in austere stream
how I sink to sleep, and wake to float
seeking hands from passing boats
and all the while pray
with this maelstrom's theme
fingertips bleed, and scream
it is constant
to stay afloat
it is constant
I am choked,
by undertow
fight to breathe

It's back again!

Melancholy, I think.
Uselessness, maybe.
Feeling unwanted, by the way.

It's definitely deeper than before.

my color is turning, I think.
Spirit is fading, maybe
Feeling Hopeless, by the way.

It never went away, I guess

We will see what happens.
No control of my own.

Taken for granted, most likely.

You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.

Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.

You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.

My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,

"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."

I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.

A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.

I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.

Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contained sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.

"Come back mama, come back!"



*©NDHK