You ran down the sidewalk from the front porch creating water bombs under your feet with every patter. Struggling to gain speed as your summer dress gradually became a sponge. The thunderous mini shouts coming from your mouth stopped me dead.
Shamefully trying to hold up the facade between my expression and your heart was agonizing. As you made it up to the spot my feet backed up from, glowing desperation could be seen in your water well eyes. Simultaneously stomping side to side and tugging harshly down my shirt you looked up with a pleading confusion that broke something inside me. I couldn't give you a straight simple explanation for the question you kept begging over and over to be answered.
You couldn't understand how difficult the decision to walk away from you that night was. The choice to better the one who was to better you. It was selfish but in that moment I needed to be for the right reasons this time. Let me tell you now though, that you reaching up and hanging off my neck like a pendant, almost made me toss the idea that I could do it on my own and succeed, appear believable. I inhaled the smell of you until I felt my lungs burn and I held on hoping to convey the meaning of this crisis in time through our skin. I couldn't give life to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.
My time was running down and my willpower was getting edgy. I knew that if I didn't take those steps into the unknown I wouldn't be able to walk by your side in all of our tomorrows. So as you fought the untangling of your scared limbs and exhumed that agony smeared face from my chest, I breathed you in once more. When you finally reached a bump in the constant trill of sobs pouring from your mouth I said,
"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."
I knew you hated those words as I said them but loved hearing me talk. It meant that was another minute more you had with me. I kept up the reassurance for the same reason.
A definitive honk behind me proceeded the collapse of your restraint. Thrashing forward with hawk like fingers and indistinguishable words you were held back with help. It enraged me to feel as if I couldn't touch you but it was for both our benefits. Holding onto your eyes and the last of my control, I grimaced a smile that couldn't quite make it and turned. I rolled the window down to get the full effect of you voice in my head to take with me. It would be the push to do better, be better. When the driver asked if I was ready I said yes while screaming never inside.
I squeezed shut my lids and prayed I was already back in our home cuddled up together on the rainy porch. All in the matter of minutes I felt the precious innocence drain partly from our life. Thankful to the rain for at least hiding my swollen eyes from you. If I could leave you with the illusion of strength I hadn't earned yet.
Feeling the car pull slower than necessary is what did it. My senses over powered me as I gasped out that horribly contained sob. I knew it was the right thing I had to do but it was killing me. I cut out my heart and left it with you. All to the gradually fading song of your sorrow from my window.