I dreamt things that could never be possible, I am blameworthy
But as time passed the line I drew became blurry
I thought I could carry the weight of your world on my shoulders
But who knew the time would make us colder

There I lay beneath the swaying limb, with birds singing on every tree
Sun shimmering above me, you and the kids is what I could see
How happy I am, I thought to myself
As the watch clicked twelve
Only if this dream would never end
But this time I couldn’t fend
Laughter of my family chiming, a distant sound
As I lay on the soft ground
I dreamt of two little angels, the ones I would coddle
A boy with your hazel brown eyes, a girl with my soft curls
As my dream slowly unfurls
Chasing the ball, feeding the ducks
We played, as the little ones squeezed through the ruck
Laughter, giggles was all I heard
As my dream slowly blurred

Woke up, I lay defunct
So many thoughts that I couldn’t shut
I pick myself up, grabbing a tea
I look at the endless sea.
All that I wanted was just you and me

here i am to argue
that you can put your arms around a memory
and kiss them till you fall asleep
you can put your arms around a memory
but you'll just be ******* a ghost
and when you're finished
you'll be much colder than you were before

I sat on one of the park's two swings
With my left arm plastered; in a sling
I pushed the ground with my feet as I gazed at the sky
Through the air, wafted the delicious smell of fish fry
'twas the month of June and monsoon was upon us
Children were frolicking in the mud, as they got off the school bus
The sky was filled with clouds waiting to wash the earth clean
Hanging in the sky as if by strings unseen
A flock of birds flew down to peck on the scattered grain
To not run towards them and watch them scatter, it took much refrain
The lonesome dog seemed blissful, his stomach full for the day
Barking like mad and running in circles, on his own tail did he wish to prey
The trees swayed gently, their leaves still wet from the morning shower
I wonder how they've managed to withstand time's fearsome power
For millions of millenia, they've stayed rooted and spread their seed
Only to be turned to timber by man's single deed
I snap out of my thoughts as you place a gentle hand upon my shoulder
In that moment, I forget that the gaze I reserved for you was meant to be colder
You stand in front of me, frowning slightly and pleading with guilty eyes
I stand up, smile and walk away. I've never been one for goodbyes.

It's all a choice

The simple things

Car parks full with disgust

You breath at which the rhythm you bring

I'm growing older

And this house isn't getting any colder

I'm growing up

And this life isn't what it once meant to me

The picnics and benches

They rise and they fall

Seasides and sandcastles

We sat on the wall

Together, and now its OK

We stare aimlessly and talk everyday

You never did

But I missed you today

It's in the pragmatics

The air and the semantics

Ribbons leashed to my tongue

Hopelessly inadequate hapless passionate

Stretched, quick, gone now, faded

I see you on the mind of other peoples faces

Now it's just dissolution

Diluted into an illusion

I'd watch my step

Because it's going off further than the edge

I could feel the earth moving,
my life playing the music, reverse.
On me, the hot sun was showering it's fury,
cast on me was some dreadful curse.

The light had darkened and the dark did light.
The ***** evil attacked me with all it's might.
The harsh wind slapped me every time it passed.
The black cat had definitely, my path crossed.

Every corner had an abyss waiting for my fall,
if missed, I was to be burned with a fire ball.
Tartarus had opened it's gates for me,
My much feared beast had been unleashed.

Tick tock, tick tock, the clock did chime,
darkness within me started to grow and shine.
Consumed in it everything that was pure,
the curse had begun, now it's pain I endure.

The angel within me was flying away
to Tartarus, to be cruelly slayed.
Now I had entered the land of Tartarus
to live the blessing of the curse.

As it's queen, I walked on a carpet of skulls
drank the holy drink from the fountain of blood.
Wore a dress of the sinned man's flesh,
and was crowned with teeth and bones coalesced.

Surrounded by voices and shrieks of the ghouls,
only darkness inside me remained, contaminating my soul.
On the earthy land,I slaughtered the king of hell,
and the curse of becoming the queen, on my head fell.

I now walk with darkness on my shoulders
sins turning my heart colder and colder.
Will I ever live again or die everyday henceforth?
Eternally withering away with a heart filled with remorse.

©2014 Purvi Gadia

It's winter again.
Can't work out.
Why would I walk.
On,
This cold beach front sand.
Barefoot, I walk.
Enjoying the air.
Not a care in the world.
Smell the seaweed.
Feel the icy tide lap over my toes.
The thrill of the chill.

Look at the wet wood,
Drifted on to the shore.
Cracked so much.
It's looking sore.
Touch it.
Feel the heaviness.

Think, this wood is newly discarded.
Maybe from a shore side stroll .
The dog buried the wood just under the hole.

The vendors of sweet ices still pretend.
That shoreline's graced with sun.
It's not.
The only way to earn a crust.
That these poor folks have got.
Hear them discussing that trade is disgusting.

Debating a change in their wares.
Maybe just maybe nobody cares.
Burgers and hot dogs.
May make things better.
While the sand gets colder.
And it's very much wetter.

Winter sands so peaceful.
Only thing seen is the lonely dog walker.
Going to deposit the next piece of wood.
To drift of into the sea.


By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

The earth is tired,
I can feel it-
Slumbering in dried grass,
Scratchy like straw on a cat's head,
Wallowing in auburn fatigue.

The insects sense it, too,
Hovering nearer to ground
With each wafting touch of breeze
Which pushes wrinkled leaves closer
To looming autumnal suicide.

Still, there are patches of deviant green,
Rebels
In a climate that has declared civil war
On itself through crackling heat-
And there's people, so many people,
Not dropping yet like leaves
In colder situations

But riding bikes with pulsing energy,
Yelling vibrant colours
Into dwindling, pastel summer evenings,
Kissing scraped knees and dancing
On concrete in bare feet,
Wiping brows outside cafes and bars,
Or lounging in the lull
Of spluttering sunlight and whistling birds.

Their energy is palpable, close, electric,
The beat of humanity just
Existing
Alone or in groups,
Laughing or sighing,
Filling the universe up to the brim
With our colourful garbage
And cluttered emotion.

Sometimes, I wonder why
We still gravitate to nature  
So easily and whenever we can.

Then I remember how similar
Our souls are to oceans,
And our brains to tree roots,
And our hearts to mountains.

Maybe sometimes, the tired earth
Needs us a little too.

So much death and so much life,
I’m surrounded by a bright white light.
There’s shouting and beeping and someone is crying.
I can’t move or speak but I can’t stop trying.
My arm is throbbing and my leg- is it burning?
I almost sit up and now the world is turning.
“Don’t move!” they say and push me on the bed.
I don’t know why, but I’m now filled with dread.
I call out your name over and over,
With no response I feel myself growing colder.
I ask the stranger with a hand on my chest,
“Please, where is he?”  but he just shakes his head.
He refuses to answer and I refuse to let it go.
I’m kicking and screaming that I just have to know.
The beeping gets louder and the light starts to dim.
I try to tell the stranger, “Please go save him.”
They say our hearts stopped beating but only mine was revived.
That’s the thing about hospitals- so much death and so much life.

I will not be the vindictive serpent's next victim
laying stitches into the brick and concrete of society.
I will not quietly be brought to my knees
sought to please those who make it my choice to do so.
I will be bold against the ridicule like a person
with a burden on his shoulders the size of boulders.
I will grow bolder if I must, to overcome the suspicious
tradition of holding people down and building ladders
out of the souls of cadavers just to allow people to climb
above another.
I will not crush another person's self esteem
to succeed and I will not watch another person bleed
like a machine leaking oil and pretend that its nothing.
It is not nothing.
People get hurt, words are a cursed knife covered in rust
to those unlucky enough to be cut by such a blade.

I will not climb on the backs of others
to cover my mistakes and I will not scale mountains
on the fountain of someones emotion.
Humans aren't meant to be used. We live in a new world
where the humans are used like a ***** and a nail,
we've all witnessed betrayal and deceit.
We live in a new world where the hurting is conscious
we've all tried to be a little more greedy than honest
and the anaesthetic feeding into the blood is rotten.

The illusion that we see on television is that:
we almost always live in an almost oasislike life
where kites soar over the cliffs and heaven exists.
Where kids are kissed before bedtime and the night
is meant for dreamers to gaze at stars
and not to be spent afar from family in a coal mine.

I will not be the vindictive serpent's next victim
I am on a mission to redefine the word beauty;
oxford finds that the word beauty means
aesthetically pleasing, so the creases in a paper
does not speak of experience but its anti-beauty.
Some make it their duty to be anti-beauty antibodies
who seem like copies directly made from a printer
and the thinner the paper, the better.

My definition differs to those already defined words;
beauty is abstract; beauty is like a race track,
it may have marks, may occasionally fall apart,
may contain broken gravel, cement, concrete,
may not even be complete, but there is something about it
that makes me want to keep visiting it.
The olden saying of beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,
the further we move towards what society wants;
the colder we become to realising that beauty surrounds us,
it is in the love of a brother, love of a mother,
it is in you;
you are beautiful.
Definiton of Beauty: You.

and the day washes over me
and my retina is strained
and the dog has broke his leash
and he is talking to me in French
and the day washes over me
and everywhere I go
it turns a few degrees colder
and the colors deepen into themselves
and the day washes over me
and the man with the apron paces below
six rows of track lighting
and the day washes over me
and I think of Billy

Coral steps weave and weaved along deeply thick,
I am dark tea as warm as the dripping wax of the melting candle caught by its holder
In search for your hands in the cooing night
As you grew colder.

The nightly strings that are ripping
For a dancing gentle lily.
The day distracts what the night can give in the coral silence and sticky speed.
All day I quest for the nightfall's shower of retreat
and surrender.
The darkness loses
inside caves and shelters where the sun visited over and over.

A huge family
Happier than ever
Nobody treated better than another
Mix of boys and girls
Not a day went by
When the house wasn't full of noise

Kids of all ages
Photo album no blank pages
Fridge was full
A smile on evert face
Not a moment dull

They all had a heart full of love
Welcomed home with a warm hug

Everyone had a talent
Two young girls with paint on a pallet
Some wanted a basketball profession
Others with a workout lesson

The kids grew older
The nights got colder
The happy start
Ended with a broken heart

A family broken into pieces
Just one mistake an everybody  leaves

A precious little girl doesn't know who to believe
All she knows
Is as soon as things get bad someone is bound to leave
A little heart cracked in the middle
Who knew a it could be so brittle

it’s as if I grow taller
as the sun grows colder
as the world stops for a second
as I fall in

I never knew you were hurt
Because you never wept
But as you stayed longer
You became colder

You made a promise
That even if you go
You won't be gone forever
But that was a lie

You never wanted to stay
So you slipped away
You've left me all alone
But I'll see you in the afterlife

I'm sitting by the window, watching rain drops hit the ground
Wind is blowing harder and faster making the trees turn in rounds
I thought the sun shine would last, I thought I'd see a rainbow
But it only became darker and colder, and suddenly began to pour.

I loved watching lightning, I enjoyed thunder storms
I would watch the rain for hours from my room, which was once cozy and warm
But today for some reason it is singing a different song
It's murmuring over and over again the fact that I'm alone.

I want to dash out into the garden and start crying in the rain
Then you will never see my tears fall, you will never know the pain
Alas, I am still in my room, thus I cannot weep, it isn't the same
Cause you might see me wailing and break my heart, again!

Plunge, colder+deeper, illuminosity, shame, boats,
fear, family, disappointment, roots, train,*

Lights,
Camera,
Action:

When you told me, “no”
you called me “******”
and you became the Quarterback
you used to be.

You refused to watch
my musicals because football
“What real men do, boy”
ran in your blood.

So, I swore never to forgive
the blood that named me
your son because you threw
a pass and I didn’t have hands.

Winter was cold and the stage
was warm, unlike pigskin goose bumps
or Gatorade that you tried
to force onto my hands.

Then you finally came
to watch me sing
in Les Miserables and
you wept, warm tears.

“Proud of you, son”
you cried, and we wept
and my cold heart thawed
because of bloods warmth.

**Lights
Camera
Scene.

I just bought a turkey
In dire need of tenderize
Also a quick summer thaw
As this chick's as cold as ice

Must have froze it in the tundra as
I dive deep into the internet
Where it's got me wondering
Why I myself didn't think of this

It says to tie up both it's legs
With a nylon stringy thingy
Hey! Get that out your head!
This ain't nothing *****!

Hook the turkey to the bumper
And take it for a ride
I watched it from my rear view
And mirror on the side

I watched it twirl and tumble
I watched it twist and shout
I watched it as it changed its shape
From inside into out

I thought I heard it gobble
As it bounced itself along
Checking progress at every red light
Tenderized...yes, but not yet thawed

The roads must be colder this year
Than at first I thought
I hop back into my jalopy
For a few more jaunts around the block

I make it back to my place
Thinking all is perfect all is well
Untie the turkey, if that's what it is
It's a little hard to tell

Now with that part of the preparation done
With the turkey and I safe back home
I plop it into the waiting oven
And gently turn it on

Here we are a few hours later
As the conversations and good times begin
Sitting around the dinner table
My guests all marvel at my hen

There's only one slight question
And they asked me if I knew
I reply...why yes that is white meat
It's just a tad bit bruised

It could have been so beautiful.
The way I was too young for my age to run away 
but still did
because memories killed me like flashbacks,
shot straight in the dark
every night I passed that spot
on that street
like that night,
remembered so ******* well.
and it was disgusting and ugly,
his hands where they just should have not
been
but still,
it could have been so beautiful,
because it made me who I am.
Makes me who I am.

It could have been so beautiful.
The way our elbows always collide and not a single word was needed to make each other laugh. I laughed at your existence, I said, and you laughed even harder and that’s how we spent our time.
It could have been so beautiful,
the way the first hit felt good and something to deserve
because I’ve read every psychology book you can find on human behaviour and know for a fact that anger grows from caring
too much
and so it was a privilege to be in the war zone with someone like you.
How much you must have cared to hit that well
and that hard
and I remember saying thank you
and I’m sorry
at the same time
because what else is there to say. 

It could have been so beautiful.
The way I learned and got free and swore to never love another person 
ever again
and it could have been so beautiful
the way I actually did.
But winter came too soon 
and I grew smaller and we grew colder
and “I love you” got thrown around like habits
too rooted to give a ****
and it took a year
they say
for me to rid myself from habits rooted too deeply
and well
and still:
it could have been so beautiful.

There was a flower a found in the church after my grand mother’s funeral
this time
last year
and I took and kept it 
like a treasure hidden well
and I did not know why I stole it
and why I saw it or meant to keep it
but so I did
and now it’s August and I find myself sitting in a foreign land
again
drunk from too many thoughts and dreams
and memories hidden well
and there are certain moments when I can slowly work it out together.
Like dot to dot, tracing patterns on a map,
and it all makes sense but still absolutely not
because things could have been so beautiful
but just ended up being
not
but still 
they are,
because listen:

I am young and lost and know nothing about pain or love or anything in between
but what I do know is that I’ve seen things
others have not,
and felt things
others have not,
and still I sit alive in a foreign city
thinking about someone,
wishing that the someone was here
and if there’s anything others have taught me it is that I don’t need them to make myself feel okay
but still I think of him
and his hands
and how he says my name
and that’s all I need
to know that 
I will be okay, after all.
I will be okay, in spite of it all.
Because ugliness is a fact
but beauty is a virtue
and I’ve seen it.
I see it
and know it
and will try to keep it
treasured like a secret at the bottom of the sea
bottled up not to be taken for granted,
like
his hand in mine.

like his hand
in mine.

In spite of it all,
I am okay.

Just an average girl
She always wore a smile
She was cheerful and happy for a short while
Now she's older, things are getting colder
Life's not what she thought, she wishes someone had told her
She told you she was down, you let it slip by
So from then on she kept it on the inside
She told herself she was alright
But she was telling white lies
Can't you tell? Look at her dull eyes
Tried to stop herself from crying almost every night
But she knew there was no chance of feeling alright
Summer came by, all she wore was long sleeves
'Cause those cuts on her wrists were bleeding through you see
She knew she was depressed, didn't want to admit it
Didn't think she fit it, everyone seemed to miss it
She carried on like a soldier with a battle wound
Bleeding out from every cut her body consumed
She had no friends at school, all alone she sat
And if someone were to notice she would blame the cat
But those cuts on her wrist, they were no mistake
But no one cared enough to save her from this self hate
Things were going down, never really up
And here she is now stuck in this stupid rut
She knew exactly what she had to do next
Just stand on that chair and tie the rope around her neck
She wrote a letter with her hands shaking wild
"Look at me now, are you proud of your precious child?"
But she knew that her parents weren't the ones to blame
It was the world that should bow down it's head in shame
She stood up on the chair and looked out at the moon
Just don't think, it'll all be over soon
The chair fell down as she took her final breath
It's all over, all gone, now she's greeting death
Her Mum walks in, she falls down to the floor
And now nothing can take back what she just saw
The little girl that she raised is just hanging there
Her body's pale and her face is violently bare
She sees the note and unfolds it with care
All she does is stare, "How can this be fair?"
She starts reading as the tears roll down her face
"I'm sorry Mum but this world is just not my place
I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in
I've come to realise this world's full of sin
There's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space
I've got no reason to stay here with this awful race
It's a disgrace, I was misplaced
Born in the wrong time, and in the wrong place
It's okay though, 'cause you'll see me soon
You'll know when your time has come, just look at the moon
As it shines bright, throughout the night
And remember everyone's facing their own fight
But I can't deal with the pain, I'm not a fighter
You'll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter
So let the world know, that I died in vein
Because the world around me, is the one to blame
And I know in a year, you'll forget I'm gone
'Cause I'm not really something to be dwelled on
That's what they use to tell me, all those kids at school
So I'm going by the law majority rules
My presence on this earth is not needed any longer
And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger
You're the best friend, that I ever had
Such a shame I had to make you so very sad
But just remember that you meant everything to me
And to my heart, you're the only one that held the key
Now it's time to go, I'm running out of space to write
And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight
I'm watching over you, from the clouds above
And sending down the purest and whitest dove
To watch over you, and be my helpful eye
So this is it world, goodbye."

Broken box
Society’s cold shoulder
Children grow older
People get colder
Humans become more animalistic
Incarcerated *******
Humans don’t deserve this
Barbarity

Our city
Needs clarity
Eyes upwards in isolation
Nocturnal
Echo location
With no manifestation of god
But the sun feels so good

Freedom forgotten
Lost to new conditioning
A tumor that gains a stronger claim
To an inmate’s brain

We are not improving our world
We are just pharmacist repositioning
The world’s pain

You're filled with inconsistency
But you can always count on me
With you I have to walk on egg shells
One day to the next, I can never tell
If you'll be like this tomorrow
If you'll be the cause of my sorrow
Or if you'll want to be the source
The strong and faithful force
Create a loving course
But you feel no remorse
You give me your shoulder
You give me your hand
Then you turn colder
And say I don't understand
How am I to grasp your intentions
When I have to fight just to keep your attention
And you failed to mention
That you were on the fence when
You decided to pick up and go
Barely a warning, it goes to show
I never cross your mind unless
You feel alone and in distress
You're never there when I'm a mess
But always to take off my dress
I know that it's not just the ***
But your indecisive notions are a stress
I've said it before and I'll say it again
Your lack of compassion's the means to an end

I still remember
third grade.
When poetry was made
of rhymes...
Oh, the good times.

We were taught the sun
was a happy thing
and we would sit on a swing
smiling at its wonder,
unable to wait for summer.

And I know while
the sun's wonder
does indeed bring summer,
it also gives way to thunder
and rain.

Now that I'm older
poems have grown colder
and I know sorrows
are not conveyed
in rhymes.

When you asked me how I had done it
I stared at you blankly.

Were you trying to be funny,
somehow stuffing your face right in front
of mine and his at the same time?

I don't know how you even managed that
from halfway across the room,
but my skin was instantly
and irreversibly crimson,
as if you had just slapped me,
or if the faces of our friends
who were now choking on the laughter in their throats
had the visages of six suns
somehow packed into one dingy college dorm room.

Of course, they couldn't have been suns,
or else the whole **** building would have caught on fire
between the beer soaked beds and butane lighters
and desk drawers crammed with cannabis.

In one blunt
sentence, you managed
to push me outside in the cold
with just the burning coals of my flesh
and my fists clenched, ready to challenge you
to a fight that only I could win.

I could not help being angry -
anyone would be with such a mirror
placed so closely to them, my ego
crisply clarified, sharply dissected.

Finally, you let me back in,
feeling sorry for my cold fingers
and my colder heart.

For the record, I let you back in too,
since we'll both mess up again,
probably.

The fabrics of our lives,
come undone as we get older.
Maybe that explains,
why some of us get colder.

I'm not really sure,
how to put these words together.
I'm just hoping when I'm done,
that I feel a little better.

There's a piano right in front of me,
but I can't play a chord.
No melody, no timing,
just me banging away at the keys.

They've been telling me that everything,
is going to be alright.
They've been telling me that everything,
get's better with time.

But I'm living here on borrowed time.
I don't know how much longer I have.

If I sit and wait, I'll waste away,
I'd much rather fight for each day,
I'd much rather fight off the pain,
than sit here hoping it stops.

But for the time,
I guess I'll write,
about everything,
every step of the fight.

If I live to tell,
this tragic tale,
these words will matter to someone,
who feels the same.

Some nights I stand at the deck rail
To watch the day burn out across the lake.
Behind me darkness devours the remnants of the
Waking world; transforming what we know
Into things we fear.

The waves, here all my lifetime,
Are gone leaving only the
Growl and hiss of an angry, unseen beast.

The flaccid light of the moon is no help
As it sends shadows like twisted beings from
A nightmare racing from structures
I thought could be trusted.

Even the wind blows colder, sending a shiver
Down my back as I stand tense in the belly of the night

I think, therefore I am not digested by night…
Unless the morning fails, as one day it must.
I hope this is not be what the endless will be,
I want what the nuns promised.