I looked to the stars to see what I could find,
and I sighed with exasperation at the wonders in sight.
For lo, behold, there were more than millions,
and poor old me, choosing one just wasn’t an option.

If you gaze at them all at once, you notice there is a sky,
but if you pick solely one, you find yourself willing to fly.
One of these twinkling wonders might be you someday,
for the world knows whom it should repay.

Focus on one tree, you lose sight of the forest. 
But look at the forest, you lose sight of your tree.
Find your star, hunt it down, and you just might,
you just might, you just might,
absorb that glittering gold glimmer of light.

Then its all uphill from there,
as you shoot up,
and reach forward
and outward,
and suddenly,
you fall back down.

But this time, you have your star,
so climbing all the way up, it can’t be that far.
After hauling and hiking, you reach the top.
and as you gaze at the bottom, you start to wonder.

Wonder about what? I cannot say.
But you’re at the top, you have to stay.
Since it’s you who made it all the way.
L’appel du vide, you start to sway.

Then it hits you. It hits you hard.
Back you go! as you go down.
Down again, down on your knees!
But as you look in its eyes, your glittery golden glimmer lights it up,
and you can’t help but notice what wasn’t there before.
It cannot be, but surely, it is.
A trace of affection, gone as quickly as it appears.

As you get up, you swear it smiles,
and when it disappears with a gust of wind,
you bet on your life you heard it whisper,
I’ll see you at the top, you’ll get here quicker.

And you scramble up again, surefooted and strong,
as music surrounds you, life’s very own song.
Your ascent slows to a stop, and you look around.
Many are there, whom you never found.

And in the centre, who else could it be?
Your very good friend, whom you mistook for an enemy.
It glides towards you, and you don’t wince,
Because now you know, that which you’ve known long since.
Life pushes you down, not out of hate,
but so you learn, to open up the gate.

Now what did you learn? How can you explain?
What you’ve spent years on, things almost impossible to gain.
But you don’t give away the answer, it’s not yours to impart.
You must help out, pick up all who’ve lost heart.

“The love betweenness^ a mother and her son”
when it’s healthy strong and ancient,
like this, is for me, and it seems,
for you as well, almost a supernatural force in certain ways.
I know many other women who understand this.
It’s been probably the best surprise of my life.” Medusa

sometime, a poem commission needs a quiet time rumination,
a seventh inning time out to birth a perfect game,
a mental stretch mark,
did your know your commentation was a commandation,
write me up, punch my ticket and jump back into murky waters,
where a hu-man boy child only gifted me a tertiary imagination, comprehensive incomprehension

this look upon differing and different, parenting parts of me,
with the bright den mother’s sun gazing eyes of a new motherland,
promotion to an incessant guardianship,
an ordered mathematical centrality,^
a forever buck private’s uniform shoulder stripe pointing to mom

maternal rhymes with eternal

for children go off and go on about their lives,
occasionally glancing backwards,
but a mother’s eyes are an all encompassing, an all white canvass painting that the artist continue-ously slyly forward refreshes,
forever white repainted with each perpetual glancing thought added

this mother woke, sensing her make-male creation
is a gender separate separation,
a mystery needing learning, genes requiring a crisper adult education, a breast refilling is a sharing, eye to eye,  
****** to mouth, transferring a transformation,
between a new meaningful, an analogy of understanding that
swims in both directions, across a uniting natural division that unites,  better called an open boundary

daughters are different but the insanity~same,
a poem for another day

a supernatural surprise that occurs daily,
that you rightly appel it, as ancient  is correctly unsurprising
for the knowledge is in every cell recorded, time immemorial

apologies;
my insufficient words
can’t explain this
dotted line division,
only that, I too am a student driver mother,
my son, a teacher,  a natural scholar,
the understanding we shared is instantaneous and confusing,
as we go back and forth together,
travellers tween the dotted line spaces,
absorbing his milky ways,
informations that were not obviously ****** in me, or if they were,
awaited this suckling’s coronation and education, invitation


our differences are not a true division,
but a new manner of best embracing

which is why with good humor, our private joking, is that he
is my very own  nap-ster master,^^ we are an ordered centrality^

Go on, do it.
Do the deed.
Spread your seed.

The children tell stories of when you bleed.

Mon cherie, c'est l'appel du vide.

eph you see kay etouffee if you see Kay tell her a catawampus catahoula hound hog dog crossed bayou levee last night all right what did you say if you see Kay tell her a catawampus catahoula hog dog crossed the levee last night all right i heard what you said the first time why you got to repeat eph you see kay you ******* ****** **** what? what did you say you ******* ****** **** heard you the first time you **** a **** a ***** a ***** hello stop end begin believe conceive create no thank you i already ate what? what did you say begin believe conceive create no thank you i already ate quit ******* repeating yourself  you ******* ******* hello stop end begin believe conceive create eph you see kay etouffee if you see Kay tell her a catawampus catahoula hog dog crossed the levee last night all right

the renown physicist dressed in brown wool suit brown leather laced shoes white shirt burgundy knitted tie wild curly graying hair climbed the stairs walked across the stage stood at the lectern adjusted narrow support pole height reached down into brown leather briefcase retrieved his thesis concerning the relative theory of everything tapped microphone composed his posture made a guttural sound clearing his throat looked out at packed full auditorium it became evident to the distinguished audience the renown physicist’s fly was open and his ***** hanging out it was unanimously dismissed as a case of professorial absent-mindedness

all the creatures of the earth (excluding humans) convened for an emergency session the bigger creatures talked first grizzly bears stood upright explaining demand for gallbladders bile paws make us more valuable dead than alive sharks testified Asian fisherman cut off our fins for soup then throw us back into the sea to die elephants thumping heavy feet stepped forward yeah poachers **** us for our tusks rhinos concurred yes they **** us for our horns wild Mustang horses neighed about violent round-ups then slaughtered processed for cat food whales complained of going deaf from submarine sonar tests then sold for meat many dolphins sea turtles tuna swordfish sea bass smaller fish swam forward pleading about getting caught in long line nets barbed baited hooks over-fished colonies chimpanzees described nightmares of being stolen from their mom’s when they are very young then used in research labs for horrible tests song birds chirped about loss of their habitats land tortoises spoke in gentle voices about being wiped out for housing developments saguaro cactuses dropped their arms in discouragement masses of penguins solemnly marched in suicidal unison to edge of melting icebergs polar bears and seals wept honey bees buzzed colony collapse disorder bats flapped about white nose syndrome coyotes and wolves howled lonesome prairie laments the session grew gloomy with heart-wrenching unbearable sadness sobbing crying then a black mutt dog spoke up my greyhound brothers and sisters and all my family of creatures i sympathize with your hurt but it is important to realize there are people who care love us want to protect us not all humans are ravenous carnivores or heartless profiteers a calico cat crept alongside black dog and rubbed her head against his chest an old gray mare admitted her love for a race horse jockey who died years ago a bluebird sang a song suddenly lots more creatures advanced with stories of human kindness Captain Paul Watson Madeleine Pickens Jane Goodall a redwood tree named Luna testified about Julia Butterfly Hill the winds clouds sky discussed concerns by Al Gore lots and lots of other names were mentioned and the whole tone of the meeting changed every one agreed they needed to wait and see what the next generation of people would do whether humans would acknowledge the cruelties threats of extinction and learn grow figure out ways to sustain mother earth father sky then the meeting let out just as the sun was rising on a new day

there is a cemetery in Paris named Père Lachaise buried there are the remains of Jim Morrison Oscar Wilde Richard Wright Karl Appel Guillaume Apollinaire Honoré de Balzac Sarah Bernhardt the empty urn of Maria Callas Frédéric Chopin Colette Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot Nancy Clara Cunard Honoré Daumier Jacques-Louis David Eugène Delacroix Isadora Duncan Paul Éluard Max Ernst Suzanne Flon Loie Fuller Théodore Géricault Yvette Guilbert Jean Ingres Clarence Laughlin Pierre Levegh Jean-François Lyotard Marcel Marceau Amedeo Modigliani Molière Yves Montand Pascale Ogier Christine Pascal Édith Piaf Marcel Proust Georges Seurat Simone Signoret Gertrude Stein Louis Visconti Maria Countess Walewska and many other extraordinary souls it is rumored at late dusk their ghosts climb from graves gather drink fine brandy from costly crystal glasses smoke fragrant cigars and once a year on November 2 party hard all night culminating in deliriously promiscuous ****** **** it’s difficult to know what the truth is since the dead don’t talk or do they

You lifted my heart up and straightened its creases
Then you dropped it and it shattered into a million pieces
My mind keeps telling me to give it all up
But my heart says otherwise; it doesn't tell me to stop

I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of waiting
But when I turn the radio on, a love song's playing
When I open my eyes, all I see is you
Why is giving up so hard to do?

"Come on. It's not that bad."
A hand reaches out of the darkness.
The urgency in his voice encourages me to grasp it.
Panoramic city view hits at full force.
Our eyes meet.
His pupils are so dilated I can no longer see the clear, calming blue.
Another wave comes on as I turn around.
The roof pulses.
The stars swirl.
A look back hungers for a connection that is not met.
He is absorbed by his own mind.
Foot over foot.
Step over step.
Curiosity over fear.
Six stories down, the path continues on.
Impulses form, gather, consume--
The Call of the Void.
His screams are the last beautiful noises to fill my ears.
Or maybe they're my own.

The appeal of plunging from a great height
is the scenery on the way down:
a thrill with consequences that destroy a man,
whether or not he leaps.
The symbolism is blindingly lucid:
Life apprehends the void,
and fills it with itself.

The river is so hard to see
Rushing by below
The fog is thick, so none will be
Affected when I go

The water seems so close, so far
Reaching out a hand
To hold me near when life is hard
A grave of shining sand

The bridge, the wind, are hard and cruel
Silent to my pain
The world that takes me for a fool
Here taunting me again

The leap, the rush, the silent death
Dancing through my mind
Slow sinking as I take a breath
The suicide is kind

But then she takes me by the arm
Looks into my eyes
We turn and walk back to the car
I do not want to die

Haar hoekkantoor
In elke straat
Elke gulsige kliënt
Ń vark, n vraat
Besig om haar naam te maak
Die vrou van dir nag
En haar eenmansaak

In die oggend skrop
Sy , staalwol
Skuur glad
Teen haar tenger
Figuur maar blou
Passie versier en
Versuur haar wese

Dis nie moord nie
Dis nie dood nie
Dis glad die reg nie
Dis sonde , ellende
Haar bedoelings
Was nooit sleg nie

Haar troos is min
Haar teespoed swaar
Haar siel verkoop sy
Vir ń appel en ń ui
Want wie kan ń prys
Op die liefde sit

Sy tel haar winste
In trane en seer
Die geld is ń bonus
Het sy beweer,
Want die vrou van
Die nag, kort ook ń soen
Sy werk vir liefde
En tot die oordeelsdag
Sal sy dit bly doen...

THE VERY THING IT WAS REQUIRED TO BE SHOWN
( for J.L )

"I like birds
more than books."

a young Edward
Thomas thinks

scribbling it
in bad Latin

on the fly leaf of
an algebra book.

A chaffinch chuckles.

"Vink...vink...vink!" it urges
in a regional accent.

"Fringilla Coelebs!"
Edward addresses it.

"Sheld-appel...spink..blue cap!"
the bird disowns its names

content with being
itself and itself

only.

It looks as if it has
just stepped out of the 15th century

illuminated maunuscript
The Shelbourne Missal.

"A caterpillar skeletonising a leaf
mmm...breakfast mefinks!"

The year  1895
madly in love with its own

sunlight
never such sunlight

as this
the window holds the scene

as if it were
a living painting.

The bird behind the glass
poetry in just being.

The torture of
an algebra class

"Quod erat demonstrandum."

Daar was g'n tyd vir bybelversies nie
, want die brood van lewe was te duur
En wie wil nou regtig wag om ring
As die manne vir jou hoogliedere sing.

Aan die begin was daar niks nie
Maar hyt gepraat met sy hande
En toe was daar lig en oh die gode
Dit was goed! Dit was goed!

Maar hy was aleen in n wereld met als
En almal was sonder naam
, toe hy sy laaste een gee en ek
Deur bloed en been vir hom geskep is.

Dit was goed, dit was goed
En ek huil snot en trane van seer
Maar die appel proe soet
Of jy hom in die hemel of die hel hap...

Jy is die fontein van lewe,
Ek drink van jou en raak dors
Vir meer as net een aand van sterrevolg.

Mag ek dronk raak op jou wyn?
Of is jy my een reeds voor!?

En ek kan.nie kerk toe hol nie
En die Bybel vloek my skel
Want jou lyf voel soos die Hemel
Maar Hy se jy is die Hel.

Mag ek langs jou bed op kniee neersak
En jou hand in myne neem??
Kom ons raak besope...
Genoeg om liefdesliede
vir mekaar te kreun.

More bid ons om vergifnis
En vergeet wat sonde is
Tot die vlees te veel begeer
En die lewenslig so bietjie blus.

Dit is *** die liefde werk,
Dis my lewe dié
Die struikelblok wat my versmoor
Van n vel religie.

Haar hoekkantoor
In elke straat
Elke gulsige kliënt
Ń vark, n vraat
Besig om haar naam te maak
Die vrou van dir nag
En haar eenmansaak

In die oggend skrop
Sy , staalwol
Skuur glad
Teen haar tenger
Figuur maar blou
Passie versier en
Versuur haar wese

Dis nie moord nie
Dis nie dood nie
Dis glad die reg nie
Dis sonde , ellende
Haar bedoelings
Was nooit sleg nie

Haar troos is min
Haar teespoed swaar
Haar siel verkoop sy
Vir ń appel en ń ui
Want wie kan ń prys
Op die liefde sit

Sy tel haar winste
In trane en seer
Die geld is ń bonus
Het sy beweer,
Want die vrou van
Die nag, kort ook ń soen
Sy werk vir liefde
En tot die oordeelsdag
Sal sy dit bly doen...

The very air is different in those places so untouched,
smooth and unburdened.
You can fill yourself, let it in with a breath
and it will seek every crack and crevice,
it swirls in the lungs and mends.

You could just about leap -
cast yourself from the very pinnacle of earth,
Forget the stone which proffers you
an open palm to the waiting sky,
Let the renewing air cradle you,
lift you up and twist you around,
show you the world as it sees
the wrinkles in a quilted landscape.

Scramble your fingers
along the jagged earth
to find purchase.

Oh, the drop, the fall,
the catch of breath,
how it sings,
how it calls!

I


Mon Dieu m'a dit : Mon fils, il faut m'aimer. Tu vois

Mon flanc percé, mon cœur qui rayonne et qui saigne,

Et mes pieds offensés que Madeleine baigne

De larmes, et mes bras douloureux sous le poids


De tes péchés, et mes mains ! Et tu vois la croix,

Tu vois les clous, le fiel, l'éponge et tout t'enseigne

À n'aimer, en ce monde où la chair règne.

Que ma Chair et mon Sang, ma parole et ma voix.


Ne t'ai-je pas aimé jusqu'à la mort moi-même,

Mon frère en mon Père, ô mon fils en l'Esprit,

Et n'ai-je pas souffert, comme c'était écrit ?


N'ai-je pas sangloté ton angoisse suprême

Et n'ai-je pas sué la sueur de tes nuits,

Lamentable ami qui me cherches où je suis ? »


II


J'ai répondu : Seigneur, vous avez dit mon âme.

C'est vrai que je vous cherche et ne vous trouve pas.

Mais vous aimer ! Voyez comme je suis en bas,

Vous dont l'amour toujours monte comme la flamme.


Vous, la source de paix que toute soif réclame,

Hélas ! Voyez un peu mes tristes combats !

Oserai-je adorer la trace de vos pas,

Sur ces genoux saignants d'un rampement infâme ?


Et pourtant je vous cherche en longs tâtonnements,

Je voudrais que votre ombre au moins vêtît ma houle,

Mais vous n'avez pas d'ombre, ô vous dont l'amour monte,


Ô vous, fontaine calme, amère aux seuls amants

De leur damnation, ô vous toute lumière

Sauf aux yeux dont un lourd baiser tient la paupière !


III


- Il faut m'aimer ! Je suis l'universel Baiser,

Je suis cette paupière et je suis cette lèvre

Dont tu parles, ô cher malade, et cette fièvre

Qui t'agite, c'est moi toujours ! il faut oser


M'aimer ! Oui, mon amour monte sans biaiser

Jusqu'où ne grimpe pas ton pauvre amour de chèvre,

Et t'emportera, comme un aigle vole un lièvre,

Vers des serpolets qu'un ciel cher vient arroser.


Ô ma nuit claire ! Ô tes yeux dans mon clair de lune !

Ô ce lit de lumière et d'eau parmi la brune !

Toute celle innocence et tout ce reposoir !


Aime-moi ! Ces deux mots sont mes verbes suprêmes,

Car étant ton Dieu tout-puissant, Je peux vouloir,

Mais je ne veux d'abord que pouvoir que tu m'aimes.


IV


- Seigneur, c'est trop ? Vraiment je n'ose. Aimer qui ? Vous ?

Oh ! non ! Je tremble et n'ose. Oh ! vous aimer je n'ose,

Je ne veux pas ! Je suis indigne. Vous, la Rose

Immense des purs vents de l'Amour, ô Vous, tous


Les cœurs des saints, ô vous qui fûtes le Jaloux

D'Israël, Vous, la chaste abeille qui se pose

Sur la seule fleur d'une innocence mi-close.

Quoi, moi, moi, pouvoir Vous aimer. Êtes-vous fous


Père, Fils, Esprit ? Moi, ce pécheur-ci, ce lâche,

Ce superbe, qui fait le mal comme sa tâche

Et n'a dans tous ses sens, odorat, toucher, goût.


Vue, ouïe, et dans tout son être - hélas ! dans tout

Son espoir et dans tout son remords que l'extase

D'une caresse où le seul vieil Adam s'embrase ?


V


- Il faut m'aimer. Je suis ces Fous que tu nommais,

Je suis l'Adam nouveau qui mange le vieil homme,

Ta Rome, ton Paris, ta Sparte et ta Sodome,

Comme un pauvre rué parmi d'horribles mets.


Mon amour est le feu qui dévore à jamais

Toute chair insensée, et l'évaporé comme

Un parfum, - et c'est le déluge qui consomme

En son Ilot tout mauvais germe que je semais.


Afin qu'un jour la Croix où je meurs fût dressée

Et que par un miracle effrayant de bonté

Je t'eusse un jour à moi, frémissant et dompté.


Aime. Sors de ta nuit. Aime. C'est ma pensée

De toute éternité, pauvre âme délaissée,

Que tu dusses m'aimer, moi seul qui suis resté !


VI


- Seigneur, j'ai peur. Mon âme en moi tressaille toute.

Je vois, je sens qu'il faut vous aimer. Mais comment

Moi, ceci, me ferais-je, ô mon Dieu, votre amant,

Ô Justice que la vertu des bons redoute ?


Oui, comment ? Car voici que s'ébranle la voûte

Où mon cœur creusait son ensevelissement

Et que je sens fluer à moi le firmament,

Et je vous dis : de vous à moi quelle est la route ?


Tendez-moi votre main, que je puisse lever

Cette chair accroupie et cet esprit malade.

Mais recevoir jamais la céleste accolade.


Est-ce possible ? Un jour, pouvoir la retrouver

Dans votre sein, sur votre cœur qui fut le nôtre,

La place où reposa la tête de l'apôtre ?


VII


- Certes, si tu le veux mériter, mon fils, oui,

Et voici. Laisse aller l'ignorance indécise

De ton cœur vers les bras ouverts de mon Église,

Comme la guêpe vole au lis épanoui.


Approche-toi de mon oreille. Épanches-y

L'humiliation d'une brave franchise.

Dis-moi tout sans un mot d'orgueil ou de reprise

Et m'offre le bouquet d'un repentir choisi.


Puis franchement et simplement viens à ma table.

Et je t'y bénirai d'un repas délectable

Auquel l'ange n'aura lui-même qu'assisté,


Et tu boiras le Vin de la vigne immuable,

Dont la force, dont la douceur, dont la bonté

Feront germer ton sang à l'immortalité.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Puis, va ! Garde une foi modeste en ce mystère

D'amour par quoi je suis ta chair et ta raison,

Et surtout reviens très souvent dans ma maison,

Pour y participer au Vin qui désaltère.


Au Pain sans qui la vie est une trahison,

Pour y prier mon Père et supplier ma Mère

Qu'il te soit accordé, dans l'exil de la terre,

D'être l'agneau sans cris qui donne sa toison.


D'être l'enfant vêtu de lin et d'innocence,

D'oublier ton pauvre amour-propre et ton essence,

Enfin, de devenir un peu semblable à moi


Qui fus, durant les jours d'Hérode et de Pilate

Et de Judas et de Pierre, pareil à toi

Pour souffrir et mourir d'une mort scélérate !


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Et pour récompenser ton zèle en ces devoirs

Si doux qu'ils sont encore d'ineffables délices,

Je te ferai goûter sur terre mes prémices,

La paix du cœur, l'amour d'être pauvre, et mes soirs -


Mystiques, quand l'esprit s'ouvre aux calmes espoirs

Et croit boire, suivant ma promesse, au Calice

Éternel, et qu'au ciel pieux la lune glisse,

Et que sonnent les angélus roses et noirs,


En attendant l'assomption dans ma lumière,

L'éveil sans fin dans ma charité coutumière,

La musique de mes louanges à jamais,


Et l'extase perpétuelle et la science.

Et d'être en moi parmi l'aimable irradiance

De tes souffrances, enfin miennes, que j'aimais !


VIII


- Ah ! Seigneur, qu'ai-je ? Hélas ! me voici tout en larmes

D'une joie extraordinaire : votre voix

Me fait comme du bien et du mal à la fois,

Et le mal et le bien, tout a les mêmes charmes.


Je ris, je pleure, et c'est comme un appel aux armes

D'un clairon pour des champs de bataille où je vois

Des anges bleus et blancs portés sur des pavois,

Et ce clairon m'enlève en de fières alarmes.


J'ai l'extase et j'ai la terreur d'être choisi.

Je suis indigne, mais je sais votre clémence.

Ah ! quel effort, mais quelle ardeur ! Et me voici


Plein d'une humble prière, encore qu'un trouble immense

Brouille l'espoir que votre voix me révéla,

Et j'aspire en tremblant.


IX


- Pauvre âme, c'est cela !

So you're that voice
That tempts me to look over
The flawless space between me and the ground
In very high places.
You're the twitch of my hand
On the steering wheel
That's whispers for me to drive over.
You're the calming acceptance
That it all could be over
For the tangible reasons
I have yet to discover.
You're the knife in in my hand
And the few seconds of consideration
When my friend's back is turned to me
And I hover.
If I answered the call
Who would I be?
Dare I turn into someone else
Someone much like me?
The lapse of thought
Described as inhuman
I couldn't possibly be
The only one who hears the calling.

Amidst the throb of bodies and bass, one,
The moon and chill call me.
A kind of playful peace and lightness that draws
Its fingers across my bare skin.
I crave it’s cleansing touch.

Like smoke rising, finally free and full
Of cathartic, selfish purpose.
For who watches it dance and wilt?
Who cares to miss it where it’s gone?
Ethereal by nature, does it long to feel in this realm?

In myself I write letters to no one.
The pages I would read to you.
The lyrics I would share,
So you might feel the way the words move me,
The purge I feel when I scream them.

Reverberations of truth
In places so deep and raw
They shock me. They scare me.
I want to give you this, as I give you myself.
Feel it and feel me.

open space compels you
forward
walking into lakes and oceans
trigger pulling aim true
from the shallow end to the buoys
keep going, the sea whispers
find the deepest end
submerge
jump from the bridge
they won't notice you're gone
buried in ice water, frozen
chasing the moving horizon
push and pull of waves against body
you're in too deep now
thunder in the distance
black clouds shoot lightning
you close your eyes
wait for it to end
wait for it
wait
a voice says
you won't drown
you feel fingers, pulling you up
helping your body float
their lips touch yours
oxygen transferred resuscitate
together, you see a still surface
you have never been happier
to be corporeal
to have arms and legs
than at that very moment
you realize that you can touch
the person who rescued you
you realize their waves
will carry you back
to shore
home

let me take photos of him. he doesn't have to like it.
- have beautiful taste in music
- speak English as a second language
- love the sky
- love the ocean
- love the woods
- bike for hours with me
- cook with and for me
- be great with kids
- love traveling and adventure
- have carefully-thought-out philosophies on life, love, and everything in between
- make me laugh for days
- balance my intensity out with being chill
- call me beautiful in the morning
- read in cafes and on trains
- not care about material things so much as experiences
- know when to give me space
- write me letters
- go on picnics with me
- eat copious amounts of cheese with me
- love The Beatles
- love the feeling of high places and l'appel du vide
- become friends with my friends, but have his own
- drink tea or coffee
- sing in the shower

Je ne sais plus quel jour nous sommes
J'ai peur du temps qui passe, qu'il s'en aille et me laisse, toute seule et toute bleue, la corde au cou, pendue au cerisier, du gravier plein la bouche
Ce n'est pas moi la folle mais bien toi et juste toi
Écoute mon cri
Compare-le à ton silence, à tes mensonges
C’est bon, tellement bon, d’écrire sur ta musique
J’ai peur de perdre la tête
JE VAIS PERDRE LA TETE
Il y a Kerouac, ses mots, tes mots et encore Kerouac
Il y a l’espoir, aussi
L’espoir sur ta musique
J’écris à en perdre la tête
JE VAIS PERDRE LA TETE
Mais cela ne m’appartient plus, tu ne m’appartiens plus et je voudrais tant m’endormir dans tes bras sur mon sofa rouge
M’endormir avec toi, m’endormir dans tes bras et juste, s’il te plaît, que ton prochain appel soit celui qui m’avertira de ta mort.
Personne ne peut comprendre
Qu’il ne comprend rien
Je ne me sens pas très bien ce soir
J’écris, mais je n’ai pas la tête suffisamment hors de mon corps
Je n’attends plus rien
Ne m’attends plus à rien
Je voudrais que ça s’arrête
Çà va s’arrêter
Je ne savais pas
Je n’avais pas compris
Je vais me faire cuire du riz
Je voudrais disparaître maintenant
Fais-moi disparaître
Car tout à jamais t’appartiendra
Y compris mon cadavre dans le fossé.

Ce n'est pas moi la folle mais toi et juste toi
Désolée d'avoir dû te couper la tête.

Maintenant que le trou s'est refermé
Que le vide s'est rempli
Je me tais pour toujours.

Je ne me sens vraiment pas bien
J’écris sans exister, à me tapoter le thymus dans un vide noirâtre et purulent
Mais ça va aller
Bien sûr que ça va aller
Je suis bien plus forte que le néant.

Laisse- moi disparaître.

Driving home
Walking on the beach
Sitting on the edge of a cliff
Do I turn into traffic?
Do I sink beneath the sea?
Do I slip off the edge?
The void calls to me
and the voice is getting louder.

Do I make sense?
I’m speaking but
Can you hear me?

It seems like I’m speaking silence
I suppose I am since, wait--
Do I make sense?

My words are easily misinterpreted
Even now, you’re listening but
Can you hear me?

Tangled tangents taken
From the context of my mind
Do I make sense?

I don’t. Of course the sound waves are reaching you
Still, I have to ask again to be sure
Can you hear me?

L’appel du vide is all I hear
I want to know you’re not the same
Do I make sense?
Can you hear me?

First things first,
you’ll have to remove your hat and
the plank strapped to your limbs.
Your body will be used to thumb-wrestle with
gravity.

Please remove the staples from your chest.
Find your new set of lungs.
There is space to breathe here.
Take this new heart.
You’ll beat slower, suspended.
Circadian rhythms will not help you.

Your body will become a willow in a storm,
never breaking.
There are no mistakes here.

You’ll learn to drink silence for sustenance,
washed down with madness and tepid water.
You’ll learn to compensate for lacking conversation, hold secret meetings
in the basement of your mind.
You’ll learn how to disappear in a room.

No matter how hard you pound against walls
they remain padded,
concealed behind billowing drapery.
No one will hear you.

But, you’ll fit in fine.
You’ll stretch your skin as a tattooed leotard.
You won’t grow up,
You’ll grow inward
fortifying your lungs with weeds.
L’appel du vide, your distinctive urge to jump down from
high places will be quelled
by the grace in lifting.

Take respite,
There is nothing left to destroy here.
There are no checkpoints to neglect.
There is no need to be a hero.

Still,
you’re not convinced this is so much better.