for a thalassophobic like me
drowning never sounded so good

People are always so full
of themselves
but when you need to depict yourself
apart from all the valid reasonable
arguments
you just forget who you really are
you turn into a carrion &
your now cold dead eyes are the ones
in the crow's beak
its unsuccesful attempts to
taste your weaknesses
from inside out
it would never be able to chase you down
but now that you're a parting gift
welcome be the one
that will dissect you quick & harshly
they won't ever care
about what you were
or could be in life
your hopeless future could've come about
once or twice
but you tried hard enough to stop it
by giving yourself a lethal deadline
weren't you?

I know i'm not really myself
when i'm doing this
I'm not quite myself very often
to be honest
but I regret
every single time I wasn't there myself.
I hate this disease
i hate this disorder
and the things it makes me do
when I'm in an island
far away from myself
living in a reality
where stolen things are quite better
than my own
and the moon shines, bitter & anguished
because I stole its shine away
and put it on the star
that lingers in my stolen
rag heart.

I am what i am
I stay in my position until i can not
I am full of words inside me &
although you might think you have
you haven't seen anything like them before
I am full of stars & galaxies
and i'm here to tell you
you haven't been with anyone like me before
I live & i die many times a day
just to shine bright the next day
just to remind you
that i'm the one
who own myself
now & ever.

Do you ever hear yourself
begging for an embrace or
a shadowy surprise getting into the dim-lit room
you're in
for a whisper coming from
the back of your neck
to settle your nerves down
when you're sobbing so hopelessly
in your bed at night?

a pretty long time of nothingness

i miss the sight of blood
flowing out
of this body
as much as i miss
the safety & false brief relief
that used to lead me
to my own depths.

If i could do anything
to stop
this suffering
i probably wouldn’t
for i’m so used to it
that i can’t even
picture myself
out of it &
it hurts even more
to admit that
i probably don’t want to

There's a perpetual silence
around myself
but I can't help hearing
the ghosts of my voice
inside my head
I wonder if I am going insane
or if this is just
how life works
once you're ready to admit
to yourself
that you'll never be
anything else
but this
no more changing
no more failed attempts
to become someone better
there's no escape
and still I try
as much as everyone else
even though all of us know
that the silence
screams louder
when we keep our mouth shut.

I haven't always been like this
once i was a girl
that didn't believe
in the possibility of love & all that comes with it
all the feelings & anxiety
all the smiles & cuddles
all the great moments shared
with someone
you truly care about &
would die for them to be happy
if you could,
although i know that most of the times
things aren't always marvelous
and to be honest, they seem to be
quite tough,
because sharing a life & yourself as a whole
with someone
isn't as easy as it seems
because people are not easy to deal with
because i'm not easy to deal with
and because you're also not easy to deal with
but for me, that's the trick of it all
if we were easy to deal with,
it wouldn't be so beautiful
all those times after a fight
when we try to be mad at each other
but we just can't
because the desire to see the other smiling again
is always bigger than any reason worth a fight
but even the reasons that aren't worth it,
brings a good yet so confusing feeling
about the need to fight
to confront each other
because then again
you're sharing some part of you
and it's a part that matters so much
that you just can't help keep it only to yourself
and that's why i love you
because you're difficult to deal with
and because you're the best person
i have ever got into a fight with,
and the pleasure of being this someone
is all mine.

If you could read between the lines
you'd understand the language
of the red ones
all over my body
If you could see beyond your sight
you'd understand why
underneath my eyelids
the blues are permanent
If you could swim
and if I knew
(for sure)
that you would be
safe & sound
while diving & sinking
into the sea of my sorrow
still, I wouldn't let you drown
inside my head
because once I fell in there
and never came back.

You've left me waiting
for the sound of your footsteps
on the ground
right behind my door
along with the beautiful silent sound
of your smile
growing larger, slowly
but now all that I hear
are the whispers
hiding on the corners
waiting to be found & shown
only to tell
not that I've lost my hearing
but that I've lost you.

I've been told I was the one
but I always managed to turn
into the first one
of many others
Am I of any good
or am I just that boring &
extensive chapter of that
one old book
on the dusty shelf on your
basement?
Sometimes I may be hard to read
I understand that,
but I would never leave you waiting
for a nonexistent plot
just to find out that
in the end,
I am still the same
sad & hard cover old book
lost in between many others
in that shelf
inside your mind.

The destruction is a struggle
but also a desire
and I long for it
more than I ever longed for
anything
in a lifetime.

The fire spreads while you touch me
gently
I know your lies, and i've known
all of them
for years
six years
i can see your odd blinking &
i can hear your trembling voice
when you say
you have to go back home
or to go back to your
stuff
with has nothing to do with me
and it's okay to try to protect
someone who's been hurting for
more than two decades
but it's not fair
to treat this person
as someone who's as weak & innocent
as a kid
that wouldn't know how to handle
the truth
i can be hurt & i know how to hurt people
and it can be dangerous
because i know where to put the
sharp words & leave no traces behind
but you're not me
and your lies have been as sharp
as my own words when used as a weapon
but i don't know if these
wounds will heal anytime soon
unlike when i am the one
who inflicts them myself
because i don't care if they will heal
because i wanted the pain
because i longed for the wound
to be open & reopened
as time passed by
but your lies are like a razorblade
slipping back & forth
through the same wound
you've inflicted on me
many years ago.

It burdens me
i guess it's life
but then i think
it's only
myself
and every now & then
i have to get rid
of what's inside me
which means getting rid
of all the other selves
that insists on trying
to control my mind.

I'll still be waiting for you in the silence
when all my souls are set on fire
only to give you space
to find home
inside of
me.

She was half a woman
and half a forest on fire,
you'd either die by her soft hands
or carbonized by her warm breath.

Once I met the moon
she used to be so reckless
but still bright & perfectly flawed
i don't know if she will ever
know about it
but i fell in love with her
in the very first moment
i lied my eyes upon
her shiny pale skin
i asked how she was doing
and she locked herself in the bathroom
i punched walls
ripped myself apart
cried
until there was no more tear
left within
and it seemed forever
until she got out
only to ask me
why i was like that
i'm so sorry, little moon
i can't be better & won't
ever
be the perfect
partner
because when you
destroy yourself
little by little
i die inside
and those dead pieces
come to haunt me at night
can't you just stop with the hurting?
i can't stand these ghosts anymore
i loved you, little moon
i still do
but i can't love the destruction
you drag yourself into
because once you're done with it
there will be none of me
left
to hold you tight
and say that you
still shine bright
like you used to.

And then she asked
with a profound curiosity
something so unraveling
if i ever wanted to get better
i mean
if i truly wanted to get out
of this hell i became
to myself
and others
she asked with a disguised will to
pull me back up
from the black hole i'm in
but i was and i am
so buried
deep into this hole
that all i could do
was say "yes"
and i know,
and god knows
and everyone knows
that in that very moment
i told the biggest lie
i could ever tell anyone.

I want to remember
what it feels like
to see my bones
reaching the sky
while i'm stuck in
this rotten pit bottom.

Where to run
when the only door open
is the one that will destroy me
faster than i ever could
oh i wish it was possible,
i truly do.

Silent as a wall
i hear you crying past 2am
silent as a wall
i keep on being your pillow
even when the one weeping
is me.

I trust your poetry
but it says i'm better than i could ever imagine
and all i can think about it
is that
you are
the biggest
liar
alive.

Destruction looks like a statue
and i'm here
staring at it
with the eyes of a child
when they see a brand new toy
even when they own it already.

I deserve the ****
but then i think i don't &
then the **** becomes worse &
now there's nothing you can do
to believe you didn't
deserve it.

And then
you look at yourself in the mirror
for the third time
and say:
it smells like ***** still.

Once i had a heart and
i played with it and
i molded it
into something that
people
just put in their
freezers
to lock 'em away
cold as ice
but how can
a heart
ever be useful again
if its insides
are frozen?

I tried to put all the words out again
terrible mistake
now i'm grounded
by my own wrongs and
i can't make 'em right
not ever again.

All this angst & gloom
hollowing & hazing up my soul
i will never get free
still, i look
for some non existent
exit
from this living hell.

How to fix
a damaged soul
when its shell
has no longer
a will
to live?

When you're shattered
you should be aware
of your sharp edges
so you won't hurt
the ones
who tries to embrace you
with a gentle & warm
smile.

I'm looking at this blank paper
for at least half an hour
trying to put out
words
that i still haven't swallowed
but that won't come out
easily
as when i tried to speak with him
a few hours ago
and couldn't help
but yell at his
confused words
like an angry mother
who yells at her child
when they make mistakes
but you didn't
and now i'm staring at
this blank piece of
paper
trying to
apologize
for being stupid
and childish
like a kid
that makes mistakes over and over
and never stops
until they are left alone
in a room
grounded
lonely
mad
so they will think about
what they've done
and this blank piece of paper
feels like the corner
of a white room
and i'm locked up
and i can't speak
with you
because you're not here
to listen
to watch
to see me
crawling upon my own sharp words
and hurting myself
so i won't let them out again
so easily
anytime soon.

It's hard to see
through bloodstained glasses
but when your mind
acts like one
you just can't get away
with being *****
with your own blood
but then comes a time when
what happens
is exactly what you once
tried to escape from
your hands get *****
and your bedsheets become
bloodstained
as much as your mind
but you can't help it
because while you're
purging away all these
***** thoughts
in a toilet,
flushing them away like they
were just an amount
of nothing inside of your body,
the blood keeps on
dripping off your limbs
staining the once
bright white
ceramic
that now is no longer
so beautiful
because it weighs
so much more
than anything else
in the world
and it's even more disgusting
when you think
that this only happened
because of you
with your help
with all those sneaky midnight walks
to the bathroom floor
to stain that room
with no mercy
to stain your body
with no mercy
in order to become something
greater
that only exists inside
your mind & inside that mirror
which insists in showing you
a ***** & blurry truth
that holds a grip inside you
and leads you to a cave
you dig on your own.

If only I knew
how to swim back
to the shore
I know
I would be dead anyway
because I don't belong here
nor there
or anywhere in this
wicked world.

It's 1:42am and
I'm looking at you
sleeping in my bed
and wondering
how would that be
If I were the one
dying in there
and you were on my shoes
watching me sleep my sadness away
for good
like in those dreams
I used to have
when both of us
were willing to give up our lives
to anyone who was willing to
try to come back
to life.

Slip the blade over my skin &
leave me alone to taste the
cold silver piece of metal
dragging me down to the
world of the doomed ones.

Your poetry makes me want
to slit my throat and give you
the taste of the blood that runs
through my veins
so you know what
it feels like
to read a so easily boring book
like you.

I would rather live my life
by your side
than recall the
dreadful decision I once made
when I thought it was
a nice idea
to die for you.

You're like the evil voice
lurking inside my head
while the other one
is attempting to show me
how good life could be
if only I could feign
I wanted to live.

These scars will be there
to remind me
not that I won any battle
but that I didn't give in
in the first defeat.

She was like the forest
cold & whispering your name
by the wind
although her depths were
something that
only the bravest ones
ever dared to appreciate
she became so rainy & tempestuous
for she couldn't truly feel herself
she felt as cold as winter &
then she took her last breath
and with your name on her
flying leaves & thick branches
she ripped herself apart
then there was a river
a crimson flow
so risky to approach
yet beautifully tempting
and those who once
came by to appreciate her beauty &
her vivid deep green
were now so scared of her that
they thought she wanted to swallow 'em whole
how could ever she?
she had ripped herself apart
only to see & feel
her own depths
which once she believed
were way too shallow
for someone to enjoy being
around her
but now
how could someone ever
enjoy being around
a dead forest?
she died, but at least
with no doubt
that once
she was alive &
deep.

Being myself and
living this life
is just another version
of nothingness
of emptiness
of a void
where you're lost in
and can't see any future
but a dark path to follow,
hanging on a blind hope
that maybe you'll find yourself
that maybe you'll find someone
that maybe will be able to help you
but haven't you understood it yet?
you're the one who's got
the burden
to save your own
miserable life
inside or outside this void
life will be the same
darkness will rise
and will follow every step of yours
and maybe one day you'll realize
you don't even remember
how old you are
or how many years
you've been trapped inside
your little wicked & distorted mind
haven't you realized it yet?
is it my fault?
I don't think so
but it doesn't matter
a single bit
this void has made me
what I am today
after all, this is where
I've been in
a lifetime
with only a chance to escape
but I failed on life
and I've failed on death as well
is it my fault?
wait and you'll see.

I wish I was
something more than
what I dare to call
myself
because this body was
never hurt this much
because this mind was
never haunted this much
because those nightmares
once stopped when I
woke up
but since when I can recall
they last longer than
twenty four hours
and this is insane
am I this insane?
that doctor says I don't look that ill
the other says I should
go in the psych ward
the other says I'm in the control
while the other one says
the harm on my body means
I'm not the one in charge
any longer
am I insane yet?
I should call 911
but I'm afraid another doctor
will attempt to say what's
going on
inside myself
instead of asking me
what I'm feeling for real
or why these injuries are for
or why the empty stomach
keeps growling
won't you eat, my dear?
I say no
won't you take your meds, my dear?
I say why
won't you enjoy your life like a normal human being?
I ask why should I
since im in the border of sanity
way more on the side
of those ones
stuck between four walls
white bedsheets
and treated like kids
who forgot to take their medicines
at home
so now they need a special care
am I insane yet?
I wonder
but no one dares
to answer.

I feel surrounded by ghosts & shadows
when I think of things
that have left your mouth &
and the ones
i kept inside mine.

I'm made of mist & rain
tho i can be ice & fire  
& storms & a beautiful sunset
but most of all
i'm made of leaves
and one day
i'll fly away.

I've become a shell
of bittersweet memories &
an emptiness
that weighs much more
than I can bear.

You are the first & last words
of a forgotten favorite poem
but i couldn't hold on to
the memories you
once gave me
so i brought you back
& then you brought me
pain,
again.
When will I learn?

Do you ever
miss yourself
in the middle of the mess
a lifetime can become?

I know
you wish my poetry
were about you
but I can't go
this far away
from my sanity.