I’m broken
Tell you I’m fine
But you wouldn’t believe me
If you knew the things that cross my mind

Mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally.
So why doesn’t mine?

One time I was asked “are you better yet”
I just stared at them
But really I wanted to yell
And tell them mental health issues are not temporary

You don’t text or call,
Not when I needed you to.
I sit in the bath.
It’s hot, that’s the first thing on my mind.
As the sweat starts to form,
I think of all I’ve done wrong  
As my cheeks turn pink from the heat,
I ask myself why I deserve this.
I want to get out,
But I can’t seem to stand.
I want to fall asleep,
But I can feel my heart beat.
It’s beating so fast,
Like my chest will explode.
I wish you would text
Or call, I don’t know.

There’s a gaping hole
Inside my body
I can feel it sitting there
Sometimes it feels like sand is filling it up
Like your love is filling it up
But the bottom of this hole
The hole inside my body
Is like a sink hole
It’s still in there somewhere
I know it is
But the hole consumes it
It consumes everything
It consumes me
It seems to fade
Like it was fixed up
Like it was reconstructed
But I know it’s not true
It’s still there
The same **** hole
The hole that started with him
The hole that I wish would go away
It’s a natural disaster
I hope it goes away
I hope I can fix it
Maybe you can fix it
Because he caused it
I’m sorry you have to pick up the pieces he left
I’m sorry I’m broken, maybe beyond repair
Because inside my body
There’s a gaping hole

Forever is a form of infinity, is it not?
What they say about some infinities being bigger than others must be true then
Because you said we were forever
Well our “forever” was a small infinity
They were right.

You said you can’t live without me.
Then why aren’t you dead yet?
Why are you still breathing?

How do I tell myself:
That quitting is not an option
That ending my life will not solve problems
That I am not burden
That my mind tells me lies
That I am worth it.

I don’t know, but I’m trying.

Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where it was just you and me?
Everything used to be so different,
The world was so much brighter.
My smiles were genuine,
I felt like I could do anything.

But now it’s not the same.
I text and you don’t respond,
My calls are declined.
You say to me that you’re busy,
You’re with all your friends.
But, what am I?


Am I not your friend?
You say I’m your best friend,
That you couldn’t live without me.
But I don’t think I believe that,
No, not anymore;
No, not at all.

Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where we would just talk to hours?
You tell me to be happy,
To just try to sleep.
Do you not understand that I try?

You don’t stay awake for me anymore,
You just say goodnight.
There’s no worry for me anymore.
You don’t make the time for me that you used to.
You think I’m okay with that.
No, I’m not.
No, not at all.

Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where you knew me— the real me?

My mental health is not doing okay.
I’m not doing okay.
But i pretend I’m okay.
I’ll be okay.
Probably.
Hopefully.
Maybe.
I’m fine.
It’s fine.
Everything is fine.

Legs shaking
Heart pounding
Teeth chattering
Chest tightening
Mind racing
Kind of night

I don’t know how to feel,
So I feel nothing at all.

****, when did we get like this
Seems like everyday we add few more names to the list
The innocent don't stay alive
The children are desensitized
And to be honest I'm scared I'm the next one that they'll hit
I need a bit of love
Need a little trust
Need some love
Lotta love right now
There's been pain from the start
Lotta pain in my heart
Need to change but I don't know how

I’m not good enough.
My mind repeats this phrase over and over.
I’m not good enough.
Like a broken record.
I’m not good enough.
My sister is the perfect child.
We have the same face and somehow everyone tells me how beautiful she is without glancing at me.
I’m not good enough.
My mother says I’m lazy because I want to watch Netflix.
I’m not good enough.
My father gets mad because I don’t want to take over the family business.
I’m not good enough.
My boyfriend made a “joke” to his friends about how I eat too much and I’m getting fat.
I’m not good enough.
I repeat is in my head over and over.
If anyone were to hear my thoughts it would be the only thing they heard.
I’m not good enough.
It’s exhausting.
I’m not good enough.
I’m so tired.
I’m not good enough.
Someone please help me.
I’m not good enough.
The suicide hotline is busy.
I’m not good enough.
Please someone tell it to stop.
I was never good enough,
Now I’m dead.

To my very best friend:
How do I even begin?
You are only 19.
You were only 19.
My sweet, sweet boy I miss you so much.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never see you again.
I can’t breathe knowing your beautiful soul is no longer in earth.
I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard the news.
I remember hoping, praying, feeling as if everyone was playing a sick joke on me.
I remember the panic that spread through me like a searing pain.
I remember how cold my body became, the chills spreading quickly.
I love you my sweet, sweet best friend.
19 years of being alive.
19 years that this earth was blessed with you.
15 years of friendship.
15 years of memories together.
15 years of joy, smiles, and laughter.
I love you my sweetest best friend.
Thank you for loving me the way you did.
Thank you for being the kind of friend that comes once in a lifetime.
Thank you for bringing joy to everyone who met you.
Thank you for being my best friend.
I love you. I miss you.
I’ll love you for the rest of my life.
You will ALWAYS be my best friend.
Love forever and always,
Your best friend.

It’s hard to realize just how short life is until someone dies.
It’s hard to realize how great something or someone is until you lose them.

Hi buddy. If I lose my battle with my mental health anytime in the general future I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in my life. I can feel myself losing this battle but you are a god send.

I just feel so alone.
I just wish someone would care.
i just want to not feel so **** alone.

Is the only reason we’re holding onto this relationship because we are scared to be Lonely?

1-800-273-8255.
It’s a number I know well.
It’s a number I’ve stared at wanting to call.
It’s a number that scares me.
It’s a number that I wish I didn’t know.
It’s a number I wish I didn’t have to know.
It’s just a number.
But it’s a number I’ve grown to hate.

Once upon a time there was a ****** up king.
He wore a fake crown and took all of everything.
The king sat high on his throne full of hurt.
While all his peasants just moped in the dirt.
With his army he’d won many a battle.
But this one, this one was different.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put HIM back together again.
For HELP he would scream both day and night.
But why would we help him? He’s the king with all his might.
So his peasants just left him on the floor to yell and bleed.
He’d be fine or so it seemed.
Then one day they realized their FATAL mistake.
The king, now dead, burned HIMSELF at the stake.

I texted you because I needed someone.
You texted me back two days later.
I just saw this you said.
I’m so sorry you said.
I’m falling. Slipping. Sliding. Into a deep dark hole.
I just want to feel heard.
I just want to feel seen.
I just want to feel anything at all except pain.
I just want to feel anything at all except empty.

Please don’t **** yourself.
You matter.

I feel so lost
Like I’m being ripped in two
Halfway being dragged down a dark hole
Halfway being watched by you
you watch from a distance
Never asking how I am
You pretend that you care
But everytime I need you you are nowhere

Words from my mother:

I love you but I don’t like you.
You’re fat.
I’m embarrassed to be around you.
You will never find a husband.
Nobody will ever be attracted to you.
Your boyfriend thinks you’re fat and will never love you.
*sends picture of BMI chart to body shame me