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Jun 9 · 20
Words from my mother
Katie Jun 9
Words from my mother:

I love you but I don’t like you.
You’re fat.
I’m embarrassed to be around you.
You will never find a husband.
Nobody will ever be attracted to you.
Your boyfriend thinks you’re fat and will never love you.
*sends picture of BMI chart to body shame me
Thanks mother
Jun 9 · 613
Unconditional
Katie Jun 9
Mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally.
So why doesn’t mine?
Jun 9 · 88
Pain
Katie Jun 9
****, when did we get like this
Seems like everyday we add few more names to the list
The innocent don't stay alive
The children are desensitized
And to be honest I'm scared I'm the next one that they'll hit
I need a bit of love
Need a little trust
Need some love
Lotta love right now
There's been pain from the start
Lotta pain in my heart
Need to change but I don't know how
Jun 5 · 303
Feel
Katie Jun 5
I don’t know how to feel,
So I feel nothing at all.
May 22 · 63
Holding on
Katie May 22
Is the only reason we’re holding onto this relationship because we are scared to be Lonely?
May 22 · 863
Not okay
Katie May 22
My mental health is not doing okay.
I’m not doing okay.
But i pretend I’m okay.
I’ll be okay.
Probably.
Hopefully.
Maybe.
I’m fine.
It’s fine.
Everything is fine.
May 8 · 450
To my very best friend
Katie May 8
To my very best friend:
How do I even begin?
You are only 19.
You were only 19.
My sweet, sweet boy I miss you so much.
I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never see you again.
I can’t breathe knowing your beautiful soul is no longer in earth.
I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard the news.
I remember hoping, praying, feeling as if everyone was playing a sick joke on me.
I remember the panic that spread through me like a searing pain.
I remember how cold my body became, the chills spreading quickly.
I love you my sweet, sweet best friend.
19 years of being alive.
19 years that this earth was blessed with you.
15 years of friendship.
15 years of memories together.
15 years of joy, smiles, and laughter.
I love you my sweetest best friend.
Thank you for loving me the way you did.
Thank you for being the kind of friend that comes once in a lifetime.
Thank you for bringing joy to everyone who met you.
Thank you for being my best friend.
I love you. I miss you.
I’ll love you for the rest of my life.
You will ALWAYS be my best friend.
Love forever and always,
Your best friend.
Rest Easy my Sweet sweet best friend. I love you.
RWM 8/31/2000 - 5/5/2020
Apr 7 · 487
Scared to be Lonely
Katie Apr 7
It was great at the very start
Hands on each other
Couldn't stand to be far apart
Closer the better

Now we're picking fights
And slamming doors
Magnifying all our flaws
And I wonder why
Wonder what for
Why we keep coming back for more

Is it just our bodies?
Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you're holding me tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody
Just to feel like we're alright?
Is the only reason you're holding me tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely?

Too much time, losing track of us
Where was the real?
Undefined, spiraling out of touch
Forgot how it feels

All the messed up fights
And slamming doors
Magnifying all our flaws
And I wonder why
Wonder what for
It's like we keep coming back for more

Is it just our bodies?
Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you're holding me tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely?
Do we need somebody
Just to feel like we're alright?
Is the only reason you're holding me tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely?

Scared to be lonely

Even when we know it's wrong
Been somebody better for us all along
Tell me, how can we keep holding on?
Holding on tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely
Even when we know it's wrong
Been somebody better for us all along
Tell me, how can we keep holding on?
Holding on tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely

Is it just our bodies?
Are we both losing our minds?
Is the only reason you're holding me tonight
'Cause we're scared to be lonely?
“Scared to be Lonely” -Dua Lipa
Mar 17 · 376
Not good enough
Katie Mar 17
I’m not good enough.
My mind repeats this phrase over and over.
I’m not good enough.
Like a broken record.
I’m not good enough.
My sister is the perfect child.
We have the same face and somehow everyone tells me how beautiful she is without glancing at me.
I’m not good enough.
My mother says I’m lazy because I want to watch Netflix.
I’m not good enough.
My father gets mad because I don’t want to take over the family business.
I’m not good enough.
My boyfriend made a “joke” to his friends about how I eat too much and I’m getting fat.
I’m not good enough.
I repeat is in my head over and over.
If anyone were to hear my thoughts it would be the only thing they heard.
I’m not good enough.
It’s exhausting.
I’m not good enough.
I’m so tired.
I’m not good enough.
Someone please help me.
I’m not good enough.
The suicide hotline is busy.
I’m not good enough.
Please someone tell it to stop.
I was never good enough,
Now I’m dead.
Jul 2019 · 345
Dead
Katie Jul 2019
You said you can’t live without me.
Then why aren’t you dead yet?
Why are you still breathing?
Jul 2019 · 386
Infinity
Katie Jul 2019
Forever is a form of infinity, is it not?
What they say about some infinities being bigger than others must be true then
Because you said we were forever
Well our “forever” was a small infinity
They were right.
Jun 2019 · 348
Hole
Katie Jun 2019
There’s a gaping hole
Inside my body
I can feel it sitting there
Sometimes it feels like sand is filling it up
Like your love is filling it up
But the bottom of this hole
The hole inside my body
Is like a sink hole
It’s still in there somewhere
I know it is
But the hole consumes it
It consumes everything
It consumes me
It seems to fade
Like it was fixed up
Like it was reconstructed
But I know it’s not true
It’s still there
The same **** hole
The hole that started with him
The hole that I wish would go away
It’s a natural disaster
I hope it goes away
I hope I can fix it
Maybe you can fix it
Because he caused it
I’m sorry you have to pick up the pieces he left
I’m sorry I’m broken, maybe beyond repair
Because inside my body
There’s a gaping hole
Jun 2019 · 339
Bathtub
Katie Jun 2019
You don’t text or call,
Not when I needed you to.
I sit in the bath.
It’s hot, that’s the first thing on my mind.
As the sweat starts to form,
I think of all I’ve done wrong  
As my cheeks turn pink from the heat,
I ask myself why I deserve this.
I want to get out,
But I can’t seem to stand.
I want to fall asleep,
But I can feel my heart beat.
It’s beating so fast,
Like my chest will explode.
I wish you would text
Or call, I don’t know.
Jun 2019 · 237
Is it bad?
Katie Jun 2019
Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where it was just you and me?
Everything used to be so different,
The world was so much brighter.
My smiles were genuine,
I felt like I could do anything.

But now it’s not the same.
I text and you don’t respond,
My calls are declined.
You say to me that you’re busy,
You’re with all your friends.
But, what am I?


Am I not your friend?
You say I’m your best friend,
That you couldn’t live without me.
But I don’t think I believe that,
No, not anymore;
No, not at all.

Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where we would just talk to hours?
You tell me to be happy,
To just try to sleep.
Do you not understand that I try?

You don’t stay awake for me anymore,
You just say goodnight.
There’s no worry for me anymore.
You don’t make the time for me that you used to.
You think I’m okay with that.
No, I’m not.
No, not at all.

Is it bad?
That I miss the days?
The days where you knew me— the real me?
Jun 2019 · 529
Reality
Katie Jun 2019
I wake up in a cold sweat,
My heart is beating fast.
My eyes are squeezed shut,
While My breathing shallows out.
I can picture everything in my mind—
The nightmare of the world
I always said my biggest fear was heights,
Until I met you.
As I lie there stuff as a board,
I wish I could just disappear.
It’s way too hard to be alive,
When the whole world is a nightmare.
I see you face in every crowd,
Your beautiful brown eyes.
I feel your hands around my wrists
As you pinned me down.
When the wind blows just right
In the warm summer breeze,
I feel your breath across my face as you told me not to scream.
I’ve always been a cliche girl—
Blonde hair, blue eyes, a pretty smile.
Afraid of heights, scared of a storm, following the fashion trend.
Well thank you sir for keeping me cliche,
As just another statistic of ****.

— The End —