Pen in hand poised
Anticipating as though it might spill some wisdom onto these pages
It hovers there for ages
And only bumbling babbling fills each line
Fine line between the two I dare say
I’m so tired at the end of this day
Maybe I will
just keep scribbling sleepy silliness
Really I’d like to be less demanding
To need less from every word.
It’s not as though these mindless notes will be heard by masses
Don’t need to fill the spaces
My glass is empty
I have no profound notions
I’m dry of emotions
I just wanted to write
And let the ink spill until this little page was full
Of nothing but rambling rhymes
It’s passed a little time
And I’ve made a silly something that’s mine
No pattern
That’s fine
Not defined
Just mine

My thoughts never rest
And in them she nests
She’s so comfortable there
Stealing my air
So I’m breathing her essence
Always feeling her presence

I think I feed her too well
She can feast and dwell
In premium space
Consuming all trace
Of my sanity
Insanity
She creeps

I’m not really insane
But don’t we all play this game?
We keep her at bay
But know she could have her way
If given the chance
We all let her dance
And toy with our thoughts
We enjoy her taunts
Tease our sanity
But insanity
She creeps

If I could just escape the sticky binds, the glue
Take new shape above landscape to find a birds eye view
But I’m buried so deep in this riddle
Mind enslaved to keep me in the middle
In a haze I circle lost in endless maze
Fear breeds so easily in confusion
From in here It appears there’s no solution
How easy it would be
To plot a route and be free
If a bird would just lend me its eyes
Or if, for a moment, on its wings I could fly
Then how this maze would loose its enchanting grip
No longer crazed
From it’s vicelike hold I could slip.
How assuring it might be to know the outcome of each turn
But then how boring to move forwards with never anything to learn
Each corner holds an untold story
Though torn we choose
Towards loss or glory
Never to know what might have been
Never shown the paths we haven’t seen
We face doubts
Regrets
We place our bets
Can’t be certain
Can’t go back
Don’t know what’s lurking
What might attack
But of one thing we can sure
We’ll never find a cure
For the condition of the human mind
Causing it to always find the time
To question our every action
Sending ourselves into distraction
Over all the things that can’t be changed
It’s just the way we’ve always behaved!

You’re always there
in the darkest part of my eye
Giving meaning to all I behold
On the earth and in the sky

All light and colour pours in
on to the shape of you, through you
Before the minds eye
Can form an image that’s true

What sense can be made of life
Without you dwelling there
I keep you and cherish you
And so find you everywhere

There you live in my eye
I wonder at how you magnify what might be so small
How you atomise what might have made me fall
All things at once- intensified and simplified
Whilst there you live
Whilst there you abide

What we think we know
Will only go to show - we don’t
We shrink every time we think we’ve grown
We’re simple and slow
Submit to an illusion and in the confusion feel taller
True growth is an intrusion and only makes you feel smaller
Can’t expand nor extend
To infinity’s end
But we stand and pretend
To understand and comprehend
But all that’s discovered
Reveals even more uncovered
The abundance proposed
Makes us redundant, exposed
We like things enclosed
So our minds stay closed
We’re merely superimposed
Into small worlds we’ve composed
We want to believe we’ve understood
Never conceiving all we should
Can’t see the trees - for the wood
We imagine we’re building something good
Loose our childhood
Pursuing a livelihood
Our blood is only coded with part of us
Our life force is loaded with more than this.
Line after line is written in rhyme
Lyrical magicians have tried to define
In rhythmic patterns sublime
We try, we try
An immense power moves through our essence
Ever reduced and cleverly condensed
I feel incensed by the pretence
We abuse without recompense
Virtue is compressed
True beauty suppressed
We feel less, and less!
So self absorbed. We want to be adored
We cut the cord and can’t be cured
We fail to ever really be whole
We impale, even sever our dreary souls
Needlessly faking what’s ours for free
Forsaking true power
We cower and flee
We think our humanity weak
We don’t even want what’s real
Can’t afford to feel
Don’t see the price of ‘care-free’
We simply can’t bare
To truly care
So we stare into space
And don’t know how to face
The sheer vastness that we effortlessly fail to embrace

I’m a semi schooled fool
Who got given a few tools
Got sold some ideals
And taught what to feel
I unraveled a few reels
To find something more real
I hear - ‘tread carefully’
And we learn to step warily
Each step is new
And we only get a few
We seek unfounded stability
Till we’re grounded to futility
Everything that’s still
Is just something to fill
With endless crap that we’re told
Will make us feel whole
But life’s teaching me
While society’s cheating me
I’ve learnt to behave
So that I live as a slave
This vast universe
Moves like rhythm and verse
Like music it flows
Beautifully composed
We can learn to be mobile
But the balance is fragile
Gain stability and loose mobility
Gain mobility at the cost of stability
Start making new rules
Compose your own life’s tune
Give yourself a stable beat
One that forces you to move your feet

Some anniversaries
Don’t stir good memories
It’s just another day
No different in any way
Than all the others that have past
Since that day that was your last
It’s just a date
Why does it hold such weight?
Time spins it’s wheel
How can I know what to feel
When a portal is opened
To all that hateful emotion
As if I’ve gone back in time -
Time
ticks on in a straight line
But my head moves through space
Taking me back to that place
Reliving dark memories
On this anniversary

But I won’t hover here
Won’t linger too near
To fury’s fierce grasp
I’ll pause to raise a glass
I’ll lift it high
Try not to drown in the ‘why’
Find space to remember you
Leaving darkness less room

Life after limb loss

‘I want to walk again’ they say
‘I haven’t walked in 40 days’
And this is the goal I’ll help them achieve
But it’s not as easy as they might believe
They’re in grieving
Numb - denial - and bargaining
‘It’ll all be okay
on the day
I walk again’
They’ve lost so much
Butchered
Now first I teach them to touch
To clutch
To poke and ****
I know it feels odd
Got to desensitise
It’s sensitive but try
Press into the scar line
Scar tissue can’t be allowed to entwine
Keep it subtle
It’s brutal
‘What’ll happen if I don’t?’
‘I can’t cope’
‘It doesn’t feel very nice’
Inside i’m thinking
Please heed my advice
In time
They’ll need to cope with pressure like a vice
I hope
we make it that far
‘Bla bla bla’
‘How can I drive my car
with only one leg’
‘I just want to walk and drive’ they beg.
We start at the start
Long way to go before we get that far.
I have such admiration
For the shear determination
they show
Can’t imagine even loosing a toe
Whether to trauma, cancer or disease
Limb loss below or above the knee
Come to me
It’s my profession
But my confession
Is I really care
I really will be there for them
Any way I know how
We’ll plough through the technicalities
Gait training
Draining their energy
Learning to use a prosthesis
But there’s more to this
I want to teach you more
Than how to get up off the floor
There’s life after limb loss
Only they know the cost
I’ll be there for you
I swear to you
I’ll truly care for you.

Tied to you by gravitational force
Bound together soaring through outer space
Your core the axel of my spinning course
Your darkness brightened by my sunlit face
Ever close by as we journey through time
Yet out of my reach so I feel alone
Your surface a vision ever sublime
The life you hold makes my barren land groan
Ever close, ever distant, never stilled
My path keeps only half of me on view
The face you see lit leaves another chilled
Dark mysterious face hidden from you
This part of me you shall not ever see
And so you shall never have all of me

I long to know your hidden mystery
My deep blue oceans ever yearn for you
Entwined we wrote all of our history
And all the while this deep desire grew
In perfect harmony we ever glide
I will forever pull you in my love
You stay away from me, we can’t collide
Or else destroy all you see from above
From there you see life, abundance and grace
Closeness would reveal darker things unknown
Distance protects me from shameful disgrace
On my lands fear and foul hatred are grown
To you I shall always appear unmarred
You’ll only ever know my fake facade

Crouching low
Suffocating
Searching skies
For liberation
A bird flies by
Speaks freedom to his soul
Awakened, revived
He emerged from dark hole

Sweet melody
Resuscitating
Reverberates
Incapacitating
Lost all inhibition
To rhythms sweet sound
Heated submission
To quaking ground

Fused with tune
All consuming
Embodying song
Willingly subduing
Beautifully enchanting
Like a puppet on tempo strings
Physically romancing
With every word she sings

Intensely absorbed
Deeply connecting
Harmonious movements
Captivating
Waves of sound take control
With redeeming release
Music takes hold
Bringing sweet inner peace

He escapes the rush
Surrendering
To pounding tones
That send him in
Unwavering
To a beautiful trance
Never faltering
In movement and dance

Angles and shapes
Mesmerising
His body contorts
Melody inspiring
His physical form
Symbiotic with sound
Seamless motion performed
As if floating above ground

See his spirit fly
Unrestrained
Lifted high
Without refrain
Floats above towering cityscape
No longer in it’s bind
In music finding his escape
Leaving it’s troubles behind

Do angels tread on this earthly ground?
Not bound by laws
of gravity
Nor flawed
by earthly depravity
Can they slip in and out of view
Is it true?
Do they give permission
To our limited vision
And interact with a fortunate few
I hope they do

Some would see coincidence
But ‘happen chance’ could be providence
Incidentally
What would you believe
We might never know
They might come and go
Wings of glory
aren’t always on show
Do they sing like in the stories
Do they sometimes glow?
I hope so

Who knows

Painting

Some things of which you should all be aware,
Should you decide to paint the hall corridor and stairs,
Once you paint that first stroke that's it you can't stop,
And it's a very long... Long long way to the top,
If you choose a colour that's lighter than before
Then expect to do not one coat not two or three... But four!!
When using a roller don't go over what you've done,
It will pull it all right back off and you'll be back to square one!
when the walls are evenly covered and you think it really is done,
Remember that the glossing is even more fun,
Never believe what it says on the tin,
It will drip... It won't dry...and  One one coat is too thin!!
And at last when your finished... That's when you'll see,
That there's some touching up to do where someone spilt their tea!!!

Your pounding tail
and clattering paws
Sound like an earthquake
on laminate floors
When you’re bounding around
And jumping with glee
One imagines the force
Of storming stampede
My heart fills with joy
When we cuddle and play
There’s no match to dog greetings
On a rough and tough day!

Mum...
Words are simply powerless to portray,
All the things that I would like to say,
The voice in my soul that cannot be heard,
The one I know you hear when I've not said a word,
Your faith in me gives me strength none could drain,
A super power that's got me through all my days,
From many I have felt the sting of betrayal,
But you help me to heal and your love never fails,
The roles that you've played would fill verse after verse,
My teacher, my friend, my advisor, my nurse.
You have been both my anchor and my sail,
So my feet touch the ground while I live my fairy tale.
So what is it that I want you to know?,
What is it that I'm trying to show?,
From a depth that's deeper than my words can find,
I love you with a love of a special kind! ***

Thank you ***

Did I say ‘worry not’
As the juggernaut
Marauded your mind?
A force of this kind
Mercilessly thunders in
Relentlessly plundering
Lands safe and sacred
Can’t save what’s wasted
And I’m trying to find words
Striving to still your world
While your world is raided
The words you were looking for faded
The darkest of all thieves
Steals your memories
As if they were just leaves
In an autumn breeze
And they drift so swiftly
Till out of your reach
I beg the disease
Let her remember me please
Don’t steal me from her
Don’t steal her from me
It won’t hear my plea
I see the nature of this beast
Takes its course
Without remorse
Indiscriminately devours all
Both the meek and the powerful
No justice is served
No-one gets what’s deserved


Did I say ‘worry not’
When you forgot
That I’d said it before?
I suppose we’ll be doing this more
Nothing can be done
But you’ve already won
The fight isn’t now
It’s been and goes on
I’ll hold you near
Fight the fear
Hold the tears
There’ll never be less of you here
Here in my heart
You can’t
Be lost
There in your soul
The whole of me
And all our history
Resides
For all of time

Oh to be witty and wise
To see deeply with these eyes
To be brilliant
And fiercely resilient
But gracefully disguised

Oh to awaken my senses
Without hiding inside pretences
To find strength within
That would let me live in this skin
And to drop all needless defences

Oh to know what knowing’s worth
To value growth more than birth
To teach and be taught
But not to be caught
In the trap that endless seeking unearths

Oh to be worthy of admirers
To ignite passions flaming fires
To stir emotion
And hopeless devotion
But not let praise be all that’s desired

Oh to tread lightly and free
Comprehend weight but not be held by its gravity
To know humour and fun
Will infect everyone
Who spends any time with me

Oh crap I set the bar high
I shall have to live in the sky
Don’t think I can reach
The target I preach
But it sure will be fun to try

Staring at blank screen
Dark night and caffeine
From wasteland trying to inspire
Barren- and true to nature I desire
To have what I can’t hold
To possess what can’t be sold
Life to fill this mortal frame
Not with child but with flame
In vacuum of my own making
All things numb to stop me breaking
Can’t survive like this for long
I imagine myself strong
Force my eyes to adjust
Force myself to trust
That the night holds beauty in a different way
Revealing what can’t be seen by day
But see no purpose to this torture of my soul
Except I know I’ll be stronger when I’ve crawled out of this hole!

We can all often act like muppets
We each have things
That bind us with strings
And have us all controlled like puppets

If my words could paint you in colour
They'd portray no saint, nor scholar
I'd hazard to say
That to paint you this way
Would do you and I no favours
I'll savour- the best of you always
And all your little ways
In all your raggedy, shaggedy
Scrawny glory
Charmless charming, harmless
How you could tell a good story
All the while
That cheeky smile
Broadens wide
Up mostly the left side of your face
At the insulting joke you just cracked
Humour was one thing you never lacked
That scruffy beard that
You'd shave once a year
It was rare you'd be seen
All trimmed and pristine
Your footie shirts all bright and baggy
Hang loose on thin frame- all saggy
I'm always reminded
Of your pose when confounded
Skinny shoulders shrugged up pinned up
to your jaw line
That bottom lip pouted out, image burned in my mind

When was the first time
You stood on the sideline
And ignited unmatched passion?
Flaming crazed enthusiasm
Your supreme love for that game
An infatuation that bordered on insane!
You could have every detail memorised
You could recount, recite and itemise
Every player, every score, you knew it all
My word did you love football!

You loved animals too,
The farmer’s life would’ve suited you
Wish you could go back and stay
Somewhere you could drive tractors all day


It was easy to lose sight of you
Both you and I sometimes lost you from view
Now I won't let go of you ever
But we must let go of guilt forever
Remember good times we shared
Times we both showed we cared
Your good heart was easy to find
When you were clear in mind
The imprint you've left on my soul
Makes me a better me, makes whole
My life now has a hole that I cannot fill
But my heart always had you
And always will

My oh my
How I wonder why
No two can see the same
All things are framed
In ones own perspective
Single minded incentives
Create a landscape
That warped vision shapes
My mere words won't find
What your world hides
And won't allow you to see
What's inside of me
Reality rarely finds home
In the worlds we hone
And our angle hides from view
All that we can't admit to
All guilty of this game
All self detained
By what we have perceived
To be either impossible or achieved!
What if neither were true
What if in another's shoe
You could see the same picture
Without all the fiction
All certainty contorted
What was solid is distorted
Would I even recognise
My world as seen through your eyes?!

I have always worked hard
But never found work hard
Never before
Has it felt such a chore
My job is engaging
But I'm changing
I feel I'm a pale reflection
A mere fraction
Of me is present
I'm absent
My mind is elsewhere
Struggling to care

I used to care

It made it easy to be there!

This apathy
Is draining me
It's exhausting to smile
Too much energy required
I'm shattered before I arrive
Just trying to survive
I never used to pray
For the end of the day
What used to be easy
Now takes all of me
Shouldn't be this hard
It's like I'm swimming through tar
Empty of everything
Not just energy
Empty of all the things
I need to be me
To be here
And I fear
You'll see what I'm thinking
On the brink of sinking
Can't trust this shell
Can't tell
If you can see
The battle in me
Do you know what it takes
To be this fake
I'm angry through and through
While I'm smiling at you
This facade is tiresome
Back in the rhythm
Have you heard my sarcasm
I'm so numb
Detached and chained
Deranged but refrained
A turbulent storm
Has my insides deformed
This dusty barren show
Takes every ounce of strength I own
I can only hope
That no one really knows
But I wish they knew
Just how few
Pieces of me
Are left trying endlessly
To be all I was before
But with the passion of a corps
It's torturous, agonising
This hollow chattering
Exhausting, debilitating
Laborious, my patience is failing
Back to the grind they say
It never used to grind this way!!

Glorious display of light
Sought in the blackest night
Beautiful bright
But out of sight
Clouds cover
The wondrous view our eyes covet

Can't touch rainbows hue
Approach and colours undo
Vanish from view
Whenever pursued
In cloud revealed
But when chased concealed

Whether hidden or unattainable
It's like all beauty is unavailable
This perspective unsustainable
I'll hope again when I'm able to
I'll find myself again somehow
But I'm out of reach right now

Broken glass
each step unclean
harassed
I could scream
Scraping, grinding
under foot I'm finding
It harder to ignore
Can't take any more
You feel it too
Stuck on our shoes
Broken glass
Nothing new
Move to the beat
Call it a treat
We dance, smile and
All the while
Under our feet
Reminder unspoken
How much we're broken
On a ****** for
A night to remember
Drink so much you forget it
Don't sweat it
Might as well have fun
Can't run
On broken glass

Out
                 Of
                              Reach

Tick tock
Tick tock
The pace you've embraced
Won't stop
Won't slow as you grow
Tired, less inspired

The tide
The tide
Laps shores. Un-paused
Won't stop
Un-phased as you age
Till you can't play in it's waves

The cycle
The cycle
Of seasons, you can't flee from
Won't stop
Unchanging, ever changing
Your body cages as it ages.

Ever spinning
Ever spinning
Night and day don't stray
Won't stop
Won't bend or pretend
Un-halted un-faltered

The drum
The drum
Rhythm sweet sound heartbeat
Will stop
What then? Unending trend
Return to earth, hope for rebirth?

Life; a tale written only once
Engraving history a slave to time
Moments leaving lingering fragrance
Memories painted in the minds eye
Enchanted, by emotions that stay
A new narrative
Life short and lived
We all hope our footprint escapes decay


Roads travelled in convoy or alone
Wind through vast and changing landscapes
Some fleeting moments marked by milestone
Stand out against the backdrop that time drapes
Sadness alters what's seen through windscreen and rear view
A journey retraced
Moves at swift pace
The image blends, distorts and skews

We can't comprehend
Can't pretend
Can't amend
Time has its own rules
We abide till the end
Grace and beauty; paint them evergreen
Let vibrance take hold
Turn history gold
Choose to let goodness gleam

Happiness changes what's seen
Through windscreen and rear view
A journey retraced
Moves at swift pace
The image blends, distorts and skews

Yesterday is in the rear view
Tomorrow offers no preview
Today won't last very long
Be somewhere that you belong

Contemplate
Fascinate
Watch while balance
Ever equating
Finds everything
Relating

A poem!
About that?!
Unspeakable
Unthinkable
Word-play
Won't help this time
Don't be a ****!

Bitterness
Twisted grinds
Anger seething
Justice seeking
Heart aching
Images playing dark
games with my mind

Overcome
Unable to move on
Go on absently
Clinging desperately
To humanity
- too much
Has already been stolen

Afraid of
Being altered
Contaminated
Violated
Hardened
Nothing stopped
Time didn't falter

Nauseous
Writhing, contorted
Cynical
With physical
Manifested pain
Can't digest
The anguish
I'm fraught with

This darkness
Blacker than night
Suffocating
Obliterating
Like thick tar
Engulfing all
Snuffing out all light

One breaths
Who shouldn't
Malicious
Vicious
Dead inside
Breathing as he struck
Till another couldn't

My breath
Taken away
Silenced
By violence
Still intruding
God help me lest
My good heart I betray

Turning nocturnal
Eternally slipping deeper
Into sleepless abyss
Darkness shrouds
Thoughts drowning
Crowding internal
Futile attempts
My vile mind can't find peace

Awake but paralysed
Open eyes
But anaesthetised
Restraining
Taming fury that abides
Inside
Cold to the core
Unsure
What it's all for

Beautiful love; disgusting, repulsive
Painful betrayal, sensible- insensitive
Lost integrity; sorry, mine or yours?
True to self, or to devoid ancient laws

My elation, always tainted
Congratulation, belated, weighted
My good news- hard to swallow?
Sanction post conflict comes hollow

Some find favour with ease
They find it easy to please
Pleasure and pain sit in balance
In small moments of ignorance

Some are celebrated
Cultivating hatred
Goodness breeds envy green
A dark divide widens unseen

Thoughtfulness so thoughtless,
Intellect, faith and progress
All at once; Gained and lost
Treasure in hand with forgotten cost

Careful how you tread
And with whom you break bread
Hold your values firm
While mine make you squirm

Had there been choice
I'd have nothing to voice
Trust me now if you ever did
It's oppression that we should forbid!