Oh to be witty and wise
To see deeply with these eyes
To be brilliant
And fiercely resilient
But gracefully disguised

Oh to awaken my senses
Without hiding inside pretences
To find strength within
That would let me live in this skin
And to drop all needless defences

Oh to know what knowing’s worth
To value growth more than birth
To teach and be taught
But not to be caught
In the trap that endless seeking unearths

Oh to be worthy of admirers
To ignite passions flaming fires
To stir emotion
And hopeless devotion
But not let praise be all that’s desired

Oh to tread lightly and free
Comprehend weight but not be held by its gravity
To know humour and fun
Will infect everyone
Who spends any time with me

Oh crap I set the bar high
I shall have to live in the sky
Don’t think I can reach
The target I preach
But it sure will be fun to try

Staring at blank screen
Dark night and caffeine
From wasteland trying to inspire
Barren- and true to nature I desire
To have what I can’t hold
To possess what can’t be sold
Life to fill this mortal frame
Not with child but with flame
In vacuum of my own making
All things numb to stop me breaking
Can’t survive like this for long
I imagine myself strong
Force my eyes to adjust
Force myself to trust
That the night holds beauty in a different way
Revealing what can’t be seen by day
But see no purpose to this torture of my soul
Except I know I’ll be stronger when I’ve crawled out of this hole!

We can all often act like muppets
We each have things
That bind us with strings
And have us all controlled like puppets

If my words could paint you in colour
They'd portray no saint, nor scholar
I'd hazard to say
That to paint you this way
Would do you and I no favours
I'll savour- the best of you always
And all your little ways
In all your raggedy, shaggedy
Scrawny glory
Charmless charming, harmless
How you could tell a good story
All the while
That cheeky smile
Broadens wide
Up mostly the left side of your face
At the insulting joke you just cracked
Humour was one thing you never lacked
That scruffy beard that
You'd shave once a year
It was rare you'd be seen
All trimmed and pristine
Your footie shirts all bright and baggy
Hang loose on thin frame- all saggy
I'm always reminded
Of your pose when confounded
Skinny shoulders shrugged up pinned up
to your jaw line
That bottom lip pouted out, image burned in my mind

When was the first time
You stood on the sideline
And ignited unmatched passion?
Flaming crazed enthusiasm
Your supreme love for that game
An infatuation that bordered on insane!
You could have every detail memorised
You could recount, recite and itemise
Every player, every score, you knew it all
My word did you love football!

You loved animals too,
The farmer’s life would’ve suited you
Wish you could go back and stay
Somewhere you could drive tractors all day

It was easy to lose sight of you
Both you and I sometimes lost you from view
Now I won't let go of you ever
But we must let go of guilt forever
Remember good times we shared
Times we both showed we cared
Your good heart was easy to find
When you were clear in mind
The imprint you've left on my soul
Makes me a better me, makes whole
My life now has a hole that I cannot fill
But my heart always had you
And always will

My beautiful brother killed by another! He didn't deserve this tragic ending he was served

My oh my
How I wonder why
No two can see the same
All things are framed
In ones own perspective
Single minded incentives
Create a landscape
That warped vision shapes
My mere words won't find
What your world hides
And won't allow you to see
What's inside of me
Reality rarely finds home
In the worlds we hone
And our angle hides from view
All that we can't admit to
All guilty of this game
All self detained
By what we have perceived
To be either impossible or achieved!
What if neither were true
What if in another's shoe
You could see the same picture
Without all the fiction
All certainty contorted
What was solid is distorted
Would I even recognise
My world seen through eyes?!

I have always worked hard
But never found work hard
Never before
Has it felt such a chore
My job is engaging
But I'm changing
I feel I'm a pale reflection
A mere fraction
Of me is present
I'm absent
My mind is elsewhere
Struggling to care

I used to care

It made it easy to be there!

This apathy
Is draining me
It's exhausting to smile
Too much energy required
I'm shattered before I arrive
Just trying to survive
I never used to pray
For the end of the day
What used to be easy
Now takes all of me
Shouldn't be this hard
It's like I'm swimming through tar
Empty of everything
Not just energy
Empty of all the things
I need to be me
To be here
And I fear
You'll see what I'm thinking
On the brink of sinking
Can't trust this shell
Can't tell
If you can see
The battle in me
Do you know what it takes
To be this fake
I'm angry through and through
While I'm smiling at you
This facade is tiresome
Back in the rhythm
Have you heard my sarcasm
I'm so numb
Detached and chained
Deranged but refrained
A turbulent storm
Has my insides deformed
This dusty barren show
Takes every ounce of strength I own
I can only hope
That no one really knows
But I wish they knew
Just how few
Pieces of me
Are left trying endlessly
To be all I was before
But with the passion of a corps
It's torturous, agonising
This hollow chattering
Exhausting, debilitating
Laborious, my patience is failing
Back to the grind they say
It never used to grind this way!!

Returning to work after my brother was murdered

Glorious display of light
Sought in the blackest night
Beautiful bright
But out of sight
Clouds cover
The wondrous view our eyes covet

Can't touch rainbows hue
Approach and colours undo
Vanish from view
Whenever pursued
In cloud revealed
But when chased concealed

Whether hidden or unattainable
It's like all beauty is unavailable
This perspective unsustainable
I'll hope again when I'm able to
I'll find myself again somehow
But I'm out of reach right now

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