A mist clouds over my being,
Saturating the lungs that want to sing,
I feel tears that yearn to come out,
My entire body just wants to shout.

But quiet tears remain within,
With words trapped—a voice grows thin,
What is this mist that surrounds my heart,
******* it, I just want to tear it apart.

To rip myself open and wide,
And hear my soul that has cried,
What is this mist clouding within,
Stifling myself, my feelings therein.

The shadows creep into the corners of my vision
Cave in and surround me
as I let out a silent scream,
a final plea for the help I know I will never receive.
I bury myself in blankets,
lose myself in words,
dull my mind with glowing screens.
And yet, the darkness still draws near.

As my puffy eyes fall closed for the first time
in so, so long...
My mind slows and calms, the barriers falling
the guards leaving at the end of their shift
before the horrors arrive.

It's not long before I can feel the snake
slithering into my slightly parted lips
And sliding down my throat.
Red-rimmed eyes shoot open
and my gaping mouth chokes for air
as it smirks, eyes glittering with pleasure.
The monsters twist around my gut
nibble at my heart
lick their lips with delight
and eye their new victim's soul with desire.

They gently caress my stomach with their claws
leaving red gashes oozing with blood.
And just as I think I've found relief
in your worried blue eyes,
the puppeteers twist my face into a smile.
I feel myself nod and say, "Yes, I'm all good"
as I beg for somebody to hear me,
to stop this pain.

I'm answered with the infiltrators,
now massacring my happy thoughts
and filling my brain with fears.

"Useless"
"Failure"
"They never liked you anyway"
"They wish you were dead"
"Just leave already"
"Leave"
"Leave"
"Leave"

A chant,
a mantra
buzzing at the back of my mind
like a song on replay
always on the radio, no matter
how many times you switch the station.

Thoughts are spiralling
Kicking up the dirt
covering the casket
already set in the ground for me.

And on the tombstone,
"Death by a merciless enemy --
anxiety."

You scream
I scream
And still
No one can hear us
I can’t hear you
You can’t hear me
I can’t hear me

We scream:
- you did
- No you did
- You broke me
- You hurt me

We turn our backs
We cry on the walls chest
We crawl back
To each other
I hide under your shirt
And continue crying

We cry and
We want to be
What we’ll never be:
Close.

I was reminded,
in the hush of existence
Of fire, and blood,
and the terrible screams.
And I? Responsible.
But in my moment of complete failure,
I resolved to something strong,
and died.
Now, in another life,
or mine still, I suppose,
I think to myself
"It's such a beautiful day."
and decide, in silence, within and without, to go for a walk.

I am shaking
Fearful, as the shouts grow louder
Every breath leaves me aching
The hourglass has begun to fall slower and slower by the hour

Reality has crumbled into mere dust sliding through my fingers
Wordless, soundless, screaming
Avoiding the empty, shattered mirrors
Left to pace between thoughts, as my hands do the cleaning

I cut my arms on glass, but I'm not seeing the bleeding
Dripping down my arms from my veins are jokes gone wrong
Sitting, in the glass poured over me, I'm leaping
It won't be too long

I've done a bad thing and I can't be forgiven
I am smiling at the spots in my vision that look like stars
I'm dancing, swaying, to an unknown etheral rthym
The whispers are seeping through my gray walls

Words have become a mush of meaningless *******
I hear the floors loosen and soon I am falling through
Ego tandem videre stellas
Ad astra per aspera

My screams echo off stone cold walls,
the only voices that speak to me.
Trapped inside the darkness that now ensues
where the sun always used to shine through.
Days and nights getting longer
as I desperately grasp onto the crumbling walls of myself,
clawing my way out, always falling hitting the ground.
Alone and afraid of the abilities of my mind
to make oneself feel so alone and worthless.
The thoughts are back...

The ones that tear you apart!

The ones that make you wish you were never born!

The ones that promise to uproot your life!

Or promise to end it, whichever comes first.

Yes! They are back with vengeance since the day I tried to walk away and set myself free.

Now, I am terrified of the repercussion.
The repercussions of believing in myself for so long!

I'm falling.
How can no one
hear my screams or
see what holds me captive?
I'm trying to stay afloat,
and no one sees that.
I'm falling.