I was under his influence for ten days
He told me about trails he was about to walk
And how he never found love in those small-town streets
I dodged his kisses as he played the strings of my skin

Our last night, we barely even moved
We spoke of life's beauty, in all its complexity
As we watched the storm coming in
That next morning we pretended not to say our last goodbyes
And then the room flooded

I have been wearing him ever since
Right behind my deepest memories and my darkest guilt
He hits me with the sharpest sweetness about ten times a day
And I just stare at this new scar, in all its complexity
As I wait for the storm to pass

I think the scary part is that
eventually we all become strangers
and the body you used to let yours sleep against
only two months ago
now silently tells you to keep distance.

I think what hurts the most is that
you used to look at them and know exactly
what was going through their mind
and now the only thing you are sure of
is that it's not you.

You used to call them when you felt like **** and
now you're fighting yourself all night
not to dial their number.

They used to fill your mind
first thing in the morning
and your mouth would easily curl up,
now they're the last thing at night
you think about and maybe
you have never even known eachother.

I'm on a strike
I refuse
To spend the rest of autumn
Pretending to be whole without you
And I swear
I will not leave this bed
Until I wake up and find you in it

She smelled of burned skin and sunscreen
And as I watched every grain of sand
Find its way past
Endless legs and golden hair
I couldn't help myself but wonder
If her lips would taste like seasalt
With a touch of honey ***

I was never built for orgasming
Because of men who love to give
I was built for
Steal another ******
Kind of ***
Out of pure selfishness and absolutely
Never
Out of generousity.

I was made for
Out of your head
Shut the **** up
Type of romantic insanity.

I used to think I was built to travel the world with somebody
But I found I was built
To get locked up and
Break free by myself.

I tried shaving you off of me today
Without a clue who I was trying to kid
I thought that maybe if I could rinse you from my body, I might be able to silence your absense.

You see,
I hate you for loving me the way you do
With all your patience and your ease
I hate you for handeling everything better than me
And that I am always the one begging not to hang up the phone
I hate you for not leaving me
Because slowly you are forcing me into
The scariest part of my life
Of trusting you that you'll stay
And I will never survive that fall

Pick me up
In pieces
Organise my every scrape
Across your bathroom floor
And clean me
Wash off all my imperfections
Rinse away my every fear
Then warm me up on love
And lay me in your bed
Guard over me tonight
As I fall asleep to the sound
Of your lips
Whispering sweet kisses
To my healing skin

Make me forget I even
Wanted to take care of myself

The greatest feeling in the world
Is the security of knowing
You're not going anywhere
Ever

Those nights my bed always felt like it was shaking, but now I realise it was probably just me.

Five milligrams to hold on to this time. I hope the eyes-closed-visuals won't return or the strange noises in every music, even Jack Johnson. I hope I won't go back to looking back at a day and feel as if I just wasn't really there. That cold feeling in my neck can stay away from now on.

They fell in love through summer.
Did too much foolish things.
Now snort it from my ****.
And
Let's do two at a time!

During autumn,
she cried sometimes.
But he held her.
Nothing will happen.
She started to believe him and
his careless state of mind.
  
Only now that winter is
coming down on them,
the cold air makes her scared.
You have no idea how ****** up I am.

Two seasons, never more or less.
Two seasons, time for aching chests.

If I could hijack all the planes
That land and take off in between us
I would
If I could calm this storm
So we can see clearly
Right before we forget what love even looks like
I would

But my love,
All I can try to do
With these endless days ahead
Is to trust
That when the fog fades
You'll still be looking for me

She let my hand lay in hers
as she tapped it firm and rhythmal.
I knew I needed this moment with her,
but could not look her in the eyes.

She started.
You think you don't deserve true love.
I smiled. I'm such a walk-around cliché.
You put on this act of *** godess
because you feel that's the only way to get male attention.
Now I just sound like a *****. I'm not that weak.
You think every man will leave.
Boo-hoo, ******* bridget jones's diary
Because he left you.

That hit me.
Suddenly I was crying.
Not just tears, it was crying at its fiercest form.
I was howling,
every gram of pain dripped out of me.

She held me.
I felt clean.
I repeated after her.
Even though I'm afraid of being left alone again
She kept tapping.
I accept myself
I looked at her
*and I love myself

He organised my hair
By deviding it into equal wisps
And laying them across my shoulder
I pinched my eyes
As I traced the outlines of his face
With my open lips

We had come down so hard
From the euphory we created just minutes before
The sweat had not dried yet
Our breathing irregular
The second we fell apart together
And hit the matress
Was the second reality hit us

"I don't want you to leave"
I tried to imagine
Every mile I was about to cross
Every face I would meet
Every fear I would conquer
But it was all buried in my love for him

In that moment
I wished I would explain that
The way he blew away
Everything I once thought mattered
And how I had been able to fix myself
While being held up by him
And that I wasn't that sure about this journey
Because I found everything I was looking for
Just like everything I was running from
In that bed

I wished I said all that
But instead I pinched some more
"I don't want me to leave either"

You are that one black picture from my disposable camera. I don't know if your memory was a good one but i would give everything to see you.

Like that one frustrating grip. I feel you all the time but i just can't hold on to you, no matter how much i hurt myself.

You are that appartement i lived in for seven months that never was mine but also was the only place i ever felt at home.

I'm afraid.
Because I know me, not you.
I've seen my choise of men, and I know after today,
the way you kissed me, made me laugh
kissed me, made me laugh,
that I will fall in love with you.

I'm afraid because you're pretty.
And because most men cheat, especially the pretty ones.

I'm afraid I will forget all of this.
The pain, the healing,
and that I will eventually trust you.
Give everything I have, just like I always do.
Loose myself in your approval, love you more than I love myself.

I'm afraid that there,
at my weakest point,
you will be just like them.

I used to believe in love the way I believed in a ******* rabbit,
hiding eggs all over grandma's garden because jesus died.
Now I know, my grandmother hid them, rabbits taste delicious and jesus wasn't even born.*

Love is selfishness.
It is impossible to love one, without wanting them to love you back.
To give time and attention to you and you alone.

There's no such thing as unconditional love.
We fall in love with one's attention in stead of one's personality.
We don't feel attracted to one's body, but to the feeling that body gives ours.
We do not love people. We love security, affection.
We want to feel wanted and loved.
And when we don't, we blame the one we never even cared about in the first place.

I get so scared.

Because I always **** up. Over attached insecurely depressed and you'll leave by the time that you figure this mess.

I get so anxious.

Because you're all so intimidading. With your arms and your hands and the scents of these men and I try to stop fantasising of it but I can't.

I get so weak.

Because I give you my spark. And I loose all my strength to the thought of a man loving me for the things that I no longer am.

I never liked any of you.
I just love doubting myself.

He never asks about the past,
even when it'd be okay.
He reads me like a post-it note,
but patiently he waits.
He sees and grabs me, guides me home,
but he never asks what's wrong.
As he comforts me and I say I'm fine,
he holds me, plays along.

(I want to tell him everything,
but not a single word sounds right)

I heard that the human body doesn't have one cell the same as seven years before.

Now I'm no biologist, but that would mean I am not the same girl you left ten years ago and there's not a single cell inside of me that you ever got to injure. In all honesty, it's much easier to believe my body is sacred now that I know you never touched it.

I lost my house tonight
And you have a girlfriend but
Your voice made me realise I
Want a boy that can write me songs
And play them for me

One that doesn't care about his clothes
And has too much hair and a beard
Weird things like your ***** pack

You made so clear tonight
Exactly what I want and
That you were made fo-hor me

I woke up on a black stained beach
In a country I wasn't sure of
The ocean appeared to me
More reckless than ever
With your body in it
Looking back at me

I somehow lost the pain
That was always inevitably connected to love
I found peace within you
And you helped me recreate it
Into faces with
Your unwavering blue eyes
And my uncontrolable lips

I could see the way you took my fear
And slowly replaced it with trust
And I could love again
Like it was always intended

This isn't about love.
There's no point in romanticising me living on a couch.
Mom, I am so sorry, I can't come back again.
But I love you.
This isn't about love.
Maybe about karma.
What goes around steals your belongings and asks you back the key.
And my backpack is so heavy.
(How did I fit my life in there)
But my feet aren't tired yet.
Let's try Rotterdam
I hate that city but
This isn't about love.

How for one year after you leave
Every triangle will remind me of you
And that I bury my face in the pillow on
Your side of the bed
You were truffle and thyme
When I expected salt and pepper

In a few months
This won't hurt as much
And you will be happy with yourself

On one of those nights
You will be dancing
Or ordering a drink

And I ask you
Hey
To think twice
What's your name
About the trouble
Nice to meet you
You're getting yourself in
I've never seen you before
And all the pain
We should go out sometime
You had to feel to get there

What was your name again?
Too late

Think of how many heartbreaks you pass on the street.
These passengers wait for a body's arriving, but find out that promises weren't made to keep.

Look at the person beside you that's touching your knee.
Put a hand on his or hers if that's what they need.

Find the desperation in the traveller's being.
Don't do like the rest and ignore what you've seen.

We walked past the girls in the red lights
Looked at their bodies and judged their ****, hand in hand
I wondered if they would take women, or couples
You got mad
"Do you want a ***** to go down on you?"
Apparently, you did.

I planned a holiday with my friends.
I would be living on the edge of coma for ten straight days.
Excited I told you the news.
You cried in my arms.
"What if they touch you, and you can't say no?"
Apparently, you couldn't.

I went to see a pro for the first time.
It scared the **** out of me.
Finally admitting my problem.
You laughed.
"Babe, are you a little coocoo for cocopuffs?"
Apparently, babe, you are.

I don't know what scares me the most.

The loneliness or the freedom.
Thirty-one days are a lot when you have no obligations.
Nothing to complain about, I'm not used to that.
For the first time of my life I can wake up,
ask myself,
"what do you want to do today?"
And what if I don't know?
What if I don't like myself,
when I have to spend a month alone with me.
What if I'm a bad person?
Or nobody will miss me?
Forget about me and why they liked me.

What if I find out where all my pain comes from.

We talked about fathers
In between the jokes
Of how we really ****** up this time
Especially for a monday

It was one of those nights
Where nobody really wanted to go home
Because the only thing worse than
The mistakes we were about to make
Was the silence that would hit us
And the sunrise we escaped

There was that old familiar feeling
As the birds began to sing
And the people started doing
All their normal tuesday things

It was then that I realised
Maybe we aren't looking for reasons
To wake up in the morning
Maybe we are looking for reasons
To go home and fall asleep

I remember her
Running up and down the bridge next to our house at midnight
I remember her screaming
I remember her body, almost lifeless, as we tried to pull her out of bed every morning
I remember all the things that were said when she wasn't around to hear
I remember agreeing with them, then hating myself for it
I remember the back of her head on a staircase when I was twelve
I remember her diaries
Our mother crying while asking me for advice

I remember all the bad days
Bur I cannot find the one that quenched her fire
The one that made her whist

You trace your fingers carefully across my dark side
As you tell me it won't scare you
But it does me
Your tranquility does

I am diving deeper into my demons
While holding up on your strength
The fear in me arises
What if you made me jump too soon?

I blame you, dad
For all the ****** up things I do to myself
I blame you for the meds I take
I blame you for the guys I choose
I blame you for everytime I fall in love and every anxiety attack
I blame you when my body starts to tell me that I'm wrong
I blame you for all this ****
For me desperately loving my uncle
Untill the point that I'm terrified that maybe
Just maybe
He doesn't like everything about me
Just like I do with every ******* guy
And I blame you
I wish you were different
And here
I wish you'd just think of these things
And care
Just a little
But you don't
And I can't figure out how you do that
So I blame you

He thought he could fix her
But he would always forget
She had to feel her own skin
Everytime he held her hands

Since you left this house
Almost two weeks ago
My mind has been in chaos
But my body's been at ease

It seems to me this heartbreak came
With healing skin disease.

We live in fear
for nothing
and I wish
I could just see this
not say this.

There were nights where she would stay up
Reading soultearing poems just to feel something
And ****, did she feel something

She felt gravity pushing on her
Filling every space for oxygen
Like dirt on a casket

She felt the way the earth rotated
And moved through the galaxy
As the moon continuously
Played with the tide of the seven seas

She felt a kind of hunger
That made her sick
A type of fear
Thats not worth fighting
And war

She'd rip her heart out
And her soul to pieces
Just to feel a glimpse of love

But every night I fall into
Sleepstained dreaming
And with every hour
Another layer falls off of me
One made of strength
One of resistance
I am undressed as the sun chases the moon back
Into another illuminated day
One made of fear
One of identity
I don't know whether losing them
Feels lighter or more heavy
The truth presses on me now
And it's impossible to ignore
One made of hope
One of idealism

I am naked
My cold skin is unprotected
If there is sun, I can see
When it rains, I weep
But I find every morning
That if there is silence
And my layers aren't there to mask
I am darkness
Pure darkness
Waiting for dawn to come

Anything, to feel nothing.

I used to wake up, six in the morning. Just enough time to smoke one before class.
Made me feel nothing for about two years.
Till my chimeras found me, through my buzz.
Tried pills, didn't work the way I planned.
First time in my life I felt even more than I was used to.
Got scared.
Maybe there is no medicin.
So the shrink gave me some medicin.
Made me numb for about six months.
Untill I lost my believes in placebo.
Tried ******* my feelings out.
Dug up some more issues.

And now, I've been sitting here, for the last two hours.
Staring at my wall.
It tells me in a foreign language that I am strong.
I painted that ****. I believed in it.
I'm not a bit stronger than the substances inside me.

I don't know. Either you gave me a million kisses. Your lips barely touched my skin, but I felt them. Oh, I felt them everywhere. Or you grabbed my neck and stuck your tongue inside me. And I just excisted in that moment, guided by your mouth. I can´t remember if you held my hand and I felt comfort, or you pinned my hands against the wall, and I felt passion. Did we make love or sins? I seem to keep forgetting, what is lust and what is tenderness.

He's an artist
The way he paints
With bite marks and hickeys
On my goosebump canvas

How do I write down
the facts
of the nine year old me,
shivering at night
at the thought of his eyes.
How do I tell a stranger
without any tears
that he can't be a father,
never could, never will.
These words get stuck
halfway my throat,
and the awkward feeling
grows.
Everytime I try,
second time
I see him go.

No matter what happens during the day,
I think about how I'll tell you.
And everything I do,
I want you to see.

I often think of how we walk.
My hand on your left side,
yours resting on my shoulders.

Or how we sit.
Two bottles of wine on the table.
We talk untill the tears are no longer able to wash away with alcohol.
And than you do not comfort me.
As you and I both know,
I find comfort in just being there
with you.

Sometimes I quickly think of you.
Sometimes in bed,
on a party,
always shortly in the kitchen.
And I know I won't be finished living,
untill there's someone loving me
the same amount I love you now.

Sometimes we do things
And we can't even understand why
But we do them
And we can never un-do them
So we wait
For time
To make it look less important
For love
To make us forget

I did something
And I couldn't even understand why
But I did it

Today I heard two men talk about how their daughters changed their lives.
One of them said he would never leave his life with her,
no matter how hard it can get.
The other one agreed.

I wondered, how could he?

You don't know what your words can do.
They hold me, spin me around.
From you might be in love to the smallest goodbyes,
rolled I forth and back chasing the words.
They ooze out your lips, right through me.
I'll do whatever they say.
I can crawl for you,
cry for you,
drink with you,
ride on you,
just to hear your words,
fall down my chest
and say
*Bye, honey

I know you didn't mean to lock me out last night,
and you were just a little too drunk and forgot about your daughter.
But it seems that you're the only mother in this town, who ever did.
I also know, you don't mean it when you say those nasty things.
You don't think I'm a failure, and you do love me.
But still it hurts to hear them, mom.
I understand you've always worked hard for us.
And now you need some time for yourself.
But you see, after seventeen years you can't just stop being a parent.
I still need you sometimes.
I know she always needed your attention more than I did.
I know I was the quiet one, with not that many problems.
But mom, the only reason I was never loud, was for you.
And I did need your attention, your time.
I was scared too, and sad.
He left me too, mom, and you keep forgetting.

I am too loud.
Too energetic.
I expect too much. It's so selfish.
I'm lazy.
Don't do **** around the house.
I'm too much of a girl and too little of a lady.
I'm too touchy.
Too scared of rejection.
When I'm asleep, I make noise and move too much.
I loose or break something every ******* week.
When I'm drunk, I think I'm so much tougher than I actually am.
And I'm such a bad friend.
A terrible daughter.
A despicable girlfriend.

You think you're ******* perfect.

Is there some kind of rule for
how many flashbacks
of you saying home
and forgetting the your?

Is there someone to answer
the question of how long
it takes to stop seeing
your clothes on the floor?

Is there any book written
on stages of heartbreak
and how to get over
not being enough?

Is there some sort of method
that makes us immune
for the things that destroy us
when we fall in love?

You taught me so much.
I ****** a guy last week.
I didn't moan for his pride.
I just let him release me,
but not shower that night.

You should see what I learned.
I needed attention,
then turned down the sweet guy.
And his tears did not shake me.
I got bored of his cries.

I am proud to say that
my weakness has passed.
For this time is real,
I am not made of water
no longer, I'm steel.

No madame, I refuse
to do this one more time.
By the sight of my eyes on him
I can feel a danger coming.
I will not let a man, so beautiful,
destroy me once again.
Madame, please help me
for I am afraid.
I don't want him to break my bones
with every kiss he plants.
For he can make me take my weapons off
with the sparkle in his eye.
Madame, please, don't let me
do this one more time.
For I will not let the man go,
But he will not be mine.