He thought he could fix her
But he would always forget
She had to feel her own skin
Everytime he held her hands

A cigarette burnt my hand
And you were there tonight
My first thought was not
You're so beautiful
But a less desperate
How the **** should I act
And it still hurts
But I guess I'm moving
Right

I miss your twelve inches.
The dimples in your chin,
When you were guessing if I was kidding.
(Hungover questions like
Did we have *** last night?)
I miss your O-face,
And the fact you only pulled it for me.
I never fell in love with you,
Only with your absence.

Is there some kind of rule for
how many flashbacks
of you saying home
and forgetting the your?

Is there someone to answer
the question of how long
it takes to stop seeing
your clothes on the floor?

Is there any book written
on stages of heartbreak
and how to get over
not being enough?

Is there some sort of method
that makes us immune
for the things that destroy us
when we fall in love?

How do I write down
the facts
of the nine year old me,
shivering at night
at the thought of his eyes.
How do I tell a stranger
without any tears
that he can't be a father,
never could, never will.
These words get stuck
halfway my throat,
and the awkward feeling
grows.
Everytime I try,
second time
I see him go.

No matter what happens during the day,
I think about how I'll tell you.
And everything I do,
I want you to see.

I often think of how we walk.
My hand on your left side,
yours resting on my shoulders.

Or how we sit.
Two bottles of wine on the table.
We talk untill the tears are no longer able to wash away with alcohol.
And than you do not comfort me.
As you and I both know,
I find comfort in just being there
with you.

Sometimes I quickly think of you.
Sometimes in bed,
on a party,
always shortly in the kitchen.
And I know I won't be finished living,
untill there's someone loving me
the same amount I love you now.

I know.
How time heals all wounds and
we were never getting married.
I know that in a year from now I cant even care less.
I'm aware.
I didn't even love you yet.
It was too short for that.
I know you're just 4 months in 12.
Of hopefully 80.
And I'm going to be just fine,
even better than with you.
I know all of that.
But now,
right now,
I just wish your body was warming my bed.

I like the sight of my room
With your pants on the ground
And my bed looks more comfortable
With you (slightly snorting and) rolling around
Somehow your body makes my skin look healthy,
******* are out of this world when you help me,
My clothes fit me better when you say you like them,
My ******* seem to grow every second you strike them,
My jokes aren't stupid when I see you smile,
Worries aren't worries when you talk for a while,

I guess the point of what I'm trying to say,
Is that I like having you here, so please stay.

The candles in my window have melted.
That's no big deal, I don't remember  the last time they were romanticising this room.
The streets are dry, the people here aren't used to it.
They live on the edge of sleep,
stopped eating two weeks ago.
Nobody touch me.

Untill suddenly the clouds shatter on our roof.

She lies against him.
Washes his skin with her mouth.
He sleeps.
Sometimes he pushes her eager lips away
and she's hurt for some seconds,
than carries on
licking.
She tries to crawl as close as she can
into his warmth,
he doesn't even notice.
He's dreaming about a world
where every bird is slow
and every human lets him eat their meat.

I am an addict.

Every picture of my childhood shows me holding a man or a man holding me.
They thought it was cute.
Twelve birthdays later he still never showed
and they don't think it is cute no more.
They're right.
It's desperate.

But isn't the point of getting sober to find happiness.
Well I'm sober now.
And I know the only thing right now that can fix me

is the dark hairs on the back of a hand or
that smell they all wear.

And if it's true that we always stay addicted,
I am ******.

There was always a silence
Right before he would rest his eager lips
on her shivering back and she would swallow her tears and strengthen her voice to say
Not now babe, I'm having another one.
She would beg him with her eyes to understand her and stay patient
But in dark rooms like those
And her back against his mouth
He was never able to see her prayer
So all he saw was another dark cloud over his always so beautiful day
And she couldn't even blame him for leaving

It's been a year
But she still wonders every day
What if we would meet again now that I'm stronger
But then again
What if I will love him so much
That I lose myself in it
The exact same way I did

In this very moment, just like in all others, the whole world is falling apart while being built up all over again. We are all, during every second of our lives, dying while being born anew at the exact same time.

I had heard this, maybe even understood this before. But I had never quite felt it yet, until the moment I was letting him go, while falling in love with him again in the very same instant.

Our love died and blossomed, our pain stung while being resolved, and the connection of our souls was captured in time, so that it is now equally unexistent as everlasting.

I just want to hide my face in your warm chest during autumn
while I try to not think of everything I should be studying.
And we could stop time right there and never end up
at the part where I get scared and run away or desperately hold on.
We can stay there, on our safe one-person matress.

Some day, we have to stop blaming everyone else.
Our father for leaving.
Our teachers for not letting us be kids.
Our sister for needing more help.
Our mother for not giving more.
Our friends for not understanding.
Our exes for not being gentle.

Someday now it's time to woman up
Get in charge
And **** all those external influinces.

You have so much in your hands
They have nothing over your happiness.

I remember her
Running up and down the bridge next to our house at midnight
I remember her screaming
I remember her body, almost lifeless, as we tried to pull her out of bed every morning
I remember all the things that were said when she wasn't around to hear
I remember agreeing with them, then hating myself for it
I remember the back of her head on a staircase when I was twelve
I remember her diaries
Our mother crying while asking me for advice

I remember all the bad days
Bur I cannot find the one that quenched her fire
The one that made her whist

I am slowly *******
Last night I took out my metal
For I could not stand the weight
During years now
Am I washing off smeared make-up from my face
I think it's beginning to show my skin
Sometimes I speak and the echo brings my own voice back to me
It sounds so much calmer than I remembered
My hair has been growing back its color
It tickles on my shoulders

I'm getting there
It's terribly slow and difficult
But I think I'm finding myself

You trace your fingers carefully across my dark side
As you tell me it won't scare you
But it does me
Your tranquility does

I am diving deeper into my demons
While holding up on your strength
The fear in me arises
What if you made me jump too soon?

I blame you, dad
For all the ****** up things I do to myself
I blame you for the meds I take
I blame you for the guys I choose
I blame you for everytime I fall in love and every anxiety attack
I blame you when my body starts to tell me that I'm wrong
I blame you for all this ****
For me desperately loving my uncle
Untill the point that I'm terrified that maybe
Just maybe
He doesn't like everything about me
Just like I do with every ******* guy
And I blame you
I wish you were different
And here
I wish you'd just think of these things
And care
Just a little
But you don't
And I can't figure out how you do that
So I blame you

At least we're still alive.

I wrote eulogies for all the people I will ever loose, but when the time will come I don't want to remember how to speak.

At least we feel love.

I mix the feeling up with other one's. One's that will never be worth the effort.

At least we are healthy.

And our bodies remember to breathe when we forget.

At least we can fight.

I will feel terribly ashamed and sorry if I will ever stop that for one second in time.

We owe that to them.

The planets are aligned
The stars are in their place
And the circumstances could not have been more favorable

You and I, my love
We were meant to be
Elsewhere

Some nights you hit my dreams
Just as sudden as you left my reality.

This is exorcism.

I walk from home to school from work back home and my eyes stopped changing shades.

All kinds of demons try to get out of me as I stare to nothing in particular and it scares me.

I would fight or run if only I had the energy. Or the courage. Or the fear.

My eyes used to change shades.

There are glasses and bottles
Lines joints and hands full
There's evenings and weekends
And mornings we wake.

There are men and their bodies
And girls and their skin
There are kisses and touches
And oh for **** sakes.

There are sisters and mothers
Good-for-nothing fathers
There's uncles who managed
To fix some of the break.

There's jobs and there's classes
There's friends and there's lovers
There's me in the middle
More than I could take.

I feel
Exactly
Nothing

I loved cutting your hair
Because it made me feel like I co-created a part of you
And you were the greatest thing I knew that was ever made.

Love will always guide her
To all the wrong places
But with perfect timing
It will lead her through darkness
And the deepest of pains
But she will never stop putting
One foot in front of the other
And she will eventually learn
How to speak the language of her heart
For it has been crying out to her
Too loud to hear all else

We talked about fathers
In between the jokes
Of how we really ****** up this time
Especially for a monday

It was one of those nights
Where nobody really wanted to go home
Because the only thing worse than
The mistakes we were about to make
Was the silence that would hit us
And the sunrise we escaped

There was that old familiar feeling
As the birds began to sing
And the people started doing
All their normal tuesday things

It was then that I realised
Maybe we aren't looking for reasons
To wake up in the morning
Maybe we are looking for reasons
To go home and fall asleep

The rainforest is calling
But not as loud as my guardian
You don't have to take the hard way everytime she said
I could hardly believe her

Believe me when I say
How I want nothing more than
To walk the road of least resistance
All the way back to you
Free of everything I feel I have to prove
Liberated from the weight of pride

But I was never made for that
I don't know how to do easy
So I'm gonna pack my back
Tie my shoes
And I'm gonna carry your memory
All the way to that ******* forest

I am falling in love again.

This is me, self-destructing. I will lie in front of him, naked, look into his eyes the way he wants me too and whisper in his ear the things he dreamt about. I will touch him, wherever he wants to be touched, just so he will stay the night, maybe even come back next week, when his **** wants to fill something up. And I'll be that for him. I will be that ****, but I'll be the best **** he's ever had. Cause that's the only thing I'm good at when it comes to men. I cannot be myself with them. I cannot make them fall in love with me, or make them stay. I can **** them off and hear them say that was the best ******* they've ever had. But when my anxieties kick in, they aren't here.

I am falling in love again.
Please, do it different this time. Please just walk away.

Slowly I am getting rid of
All the layers of smells in this bed.
I'm keeping my own this time.

You still take my breathe sometimes,
and my mouth craves to speak all the vowels of your name.
Oh how the memory of your touch still echos through this town and all drunken dark alleys always lead to your voice.

If I could go back I would have never met you because all we learned this time is that life was still a *****,
no matter how well you mean or how hard you try or how sincere it feels.

I'd give so much to erase you and your ghost that's watching over everything I do.
Sometimes I find it staring at me or whispering terrible things to my mind at night.
You were good for nothing, not a lesson learned.
Everytime I pass that balcony my heart forgets to beat.
I still spend hours fighting feelings that were supposed to be long gone and (godverdomme ik mis je)

And it just won't stop

He never gave us one cent.
Some months we had no light and we pretended that we liked using just candles.

Mommy, he's asleep.

She worked for two.
We only got ourselves in more debts.

Where's his jacket?
In the hall.

We hadn't seen him in years,
I had guessed what he looked like.

Are we really gonna do this?

He bought us a bottle of something we didn't like,
thank drank it and passed out.

Yes, we need it.

He had a stack of hundred dollar bills in his pocket.
He always said he was a business man,
but nobody had ever seen him work

Do you think this is enough?

He never gave us one cent.
We never took one from him.

You are not broken
He said
You are whole
And you are amazing

And right there, I believed him
I could see a glimpse of myself through his eyes
Powerful and soft all at once

You are not afraid to live
You are not afraid to féél*

And he was right
For once I had been scared
But right there I existed out of nothing but
What I felt for this man

We strip down to our souls.
And we wear softer voices,
as we lay
imprisoned in bodies and sheets.
We rest our heads on the idea of safety and
we warm our hands on affection.
Your lips melt deep into my skin,
as my fingertips burn through yours.
Tangle me with words and whispers,
which I can not hear
but understand.
And I will try and do anything
to stop the world from shifting for even a minute,
just to lie with you one more.

If I could I would have hidden the pills and never wear my robe.

Is that why you left, baby?

I could have closed my eyes on nights like this instead of latching onto you.

Would that make you stay, darlin?

I should have laughed at none of your jokes, nor cried at all your kisses.
Let your hand go in public.
Take your t-shirt off.
Left.

I could have tried to love you less, would you still love me, honey?

I stopped writing the day I left you
Because with 1300 miles to seperate us
I am slowly forgetting what it feels like
To feel gravity pushing on me through your body
Or to hear you whisper me to sleep

I quit singing in the shower
The moment I got on that plane
Because no bathroom echoes the way yours does
And no water can rinse you into me

I've been turning into something since that day
Something not made of my particles
And I think it has to do with
Them still sticking to your skin

The first day we met
she wrote about me in her diary.
She liked my shoes
and that I smoked too.

They had warned me about her.
Stories in the paper of a young girl in a coma.
It fascinated me.
Nobody thought we'd stay friends.

But we did.

This one time, she snapped at me.
I made a promise to myself that night.
I would never forgive her.

But I did.

Lately she's been seeing things.
Nobody else can see them.
A fake smile of mine, a dishonest joke.
It makes me feel secure.
Last sunday she kept saying
how good I looked that day.
It makes me feel beautiful.

The chances are we'll grow apart.
Never think of one another.

**But I like to think we won't.

It surprises me,
how many times you still visit my thoughts.
I must have loved you.
Your stupid, arrogant talks,
as if you knew everything about **** and training.
Your white-trash romance,
that time you stood in front of my house,
a picked flower in one hand
a stolen tray of sushi in the other.
I loved the idea of us.
Teenage love, strong and
I know now, also short.
Our first **** on too much speed,
your friend in the same room
passed out and puking.
I didn't mind us fighting,
though I would have never admitted.
Familiar,
suitable for the Bonnie and Clyde thing
I wanted.
I liked waiting for you
worried
when you went out to paint at night.

But then, we went from trailer trash lovers
to bits of things we used to do,
in less than a second.