If you keep on holding on to that, I'm afraid that it will keep you away from what really gives you happiness.

It’s like a morning, yet perfect among the rest of mornings. Anticipating every raindrop that runs to my roof to the tip of the land, it was such a beautiful experience to flow like water and go further. My mind was filled with unchanging cars, rebuilding crops and forfeiting schedule. My eyes are withheld of its beauty inside. Clock is ticking so fast, like a running bullet train, sun is waving through the cloud, and the world stops crying. I love rains, I love cloudy, I love the grayish atmosphere that filled my world, I love darkness because it embodies my unspoken tongue, and it simplifies my fortress to be in. Sun is rising so high that my eyesight couldn't contain.

What happen to my black apparatus? My darkness turns into brightness. Everything blooms; everything starts to leave like it’s their own kingdom. I have seen all the different kinds of bird that migrating to the south coming from north, I have seen the umbrellas shut down; I have seen my world like this. Like a bridges of love, like a pigeon that fly so high, like what Victoria’s Secret has revealed. I’d walked through the way to see the marine, to see the mother of this incredible nature, I’d sing to them the Cinderella’s theme-song, I’d dance with the waving trees, and I’d join the everlasting joyfulness of the nature.

In love, yes I do! Walking down the hill, I saw something. I saw a yellowish petals, brownish center and greenish stem. Oh so lovely! Oh so glorious! What the hell on earth are you doing here my dear precious? You’re too good to be true, I saw a sunflower. I saw a plant that my eyes have never been in- captured like this. I saw a plant that is connected to the Sun that had change my life, that had replace my darkness into lightness, that had adjust the saturation of my eyes. I saw a plant that needs the sun to grow, and I saw myself. I saw a plant that needs the Sun more than anything. How incredibly done! But, the sun comes to shyness, timidity strikes. Where art thou Mr. Sun? Darkness filled my world again, rain starts to drop, and flood is a minute away from the place where I’m in… Wait, dearest Flower, what happen to your alluring beauty? Your timeless beauty has timed-out. You left me; you left me in times of my downs, like the Sun. You just let me be in the way I am before, the way that I regret to be in. I’m in a secluded place that no one can see. They’re right; love is just like an illusion that tricks you!

Love is just a senseless game inside the mind of all the foolish people. I should’ve not let you made me persuaded to come and play with sun… I should’ve not let you convinced me to be happy because everything is temporary and tentative. You have told me everything, you gave me the lesson of loving someone, you gave me the detachable connection that commits mutualism; and *you gave me the reason to make a conclusion that even the most beautiful flower here on earth shall die tomorrow…

The scent of sere leaves cascading through the rushing breeze of the wing seems familiar to my nose. This vision of the mystical scene makes others serene but not me. I suddenly realized how time here in earth quickly dashes like an alacritous lightning striking the vast plateau of swaying grass. The rapid percussion of falling leaves looks like it follows a sorrowful tone that is playing with an uncertain kind of rhythm. As the rainfall of leaves drops,  it synchronize with the sudden presence of the pain buried deep within my jar of thoughts. Five years had passed but since I last hold your cold arm before your vault is buried in this place. I miss the feeling how love struck us the first time we met here in Chicago, in front of the resto, in front of the first street. I miss how I make you know how important you are to me. Now, all I can do is to make you know that your grave is always covered with the bouquet of flowers that I always brought you. Maybe, the channel between our souls are still connected. Tell me how can I forget this deep abrasion in my heart if this is the season. It is autumn and indeed, autumn is so cruel because it awakes the pain when you say goodbye to me and embrace your death. Nobody knows how hard for me to live if every year, autumn is always part of the year.

thank you for making me free
thank you for making me feel unwanted
thank you for not making any promises to me

why is it so easy for me to let go?

is it because i am not used to be on your side always, always,
that i am not attached to you
that i don't depend on you

but honestly, i have loved you like the stars too fondly

i loved you that it made me wait for you
that i thought you were worth waiting for

i hope you're happy
i hope you reach your dreams
and i hope you'll never give up on your dreams
and that, just keep sleeping.

At first
It was all good
But then it burst
Now I'm alone as I stood.

We decided to reconcile
But I still can't decide
If I will continue to be vile
Or go back to your side.

I think this is strange
On how I can't choose
If all these changes
Will go out of loose.

I'm admitting that I hate you
In a cryptic, mysterious, strange way.
I'm admitting that I love you
And I know that I don't want you to walk away.

I enter the room, it's quite cold.
I cover my ears, new mates are so noisy.
I am alone, I have no friends.
I am a shy type kind of girl,
opposite from what you are.
You are so loud that I can't bare with it.

I introduce myself,
I play violin and I just got my new eyeglasses.
Is that even a thing that I've mentioned it?
Well, it is.

Your friends shouted that you have a new crush.
She plays the same instrument as I am.
She has eyeglasses as I am.
Is it a hint?
I still don't believe.

I miss our bittersweet memories,
our silent words to one another.
I can't believe that time can freeze,
if the two of us are not together.
Now, I think I start to question
the uneasiness in my mind.

The meaning of our conversations,
it has become a crooked line.
I like the way you make me feel
and the way you make me realize
that what you feel for me is real
that what you're saying is anything but lies.

Though, it is very unfair for you
that I can't assure what's in my heart.
Because, I can't seem to see which are true,
and which of these are not.

Please do understand me
as I can't do that to myself.
Help me open my mind and see
that I can love others as much as I hate myself.

a.l