A buzzing feeling
spreading from my chest
down to my fingertips

the heat in my throat
can't be washed away

vivid dreams
like every night is a full moon

feeling wearied and vigorous
all at once

this vessel can only hold so much

being afraid to explode

but maybe thats the point
to explode

i sit still in my room
haveing planned out
my future

believing
i have a gift to predict it

i sit still in my mind
as the light
of the hopefulness
slowly fades

to a flicker in the sky
far away

when you realise,
that you can get out..
of any bad situation,
that you hold your world in your hands

you instantly become capable of anything

self discovery,
is a strange path
a winded one

its hard to grasp
and will escape your fingers
at any possible chance it has

why is it that
the true version of yourself
tries so hard to get away

skewed by society
warped by our own reality

perhaps our real selves,
aren't real at all

how do i tell
who is the real me

i look at myself
compared from then and now
and i am proud

i just am, proud

it took me so long,
to look in the mirror
and          see      myself

i felt so invisible
i basically didnt exist

im so sorry
to past me
you did not deserve to be treated so bad
by the one person, who shouldve had your back

me

i sit here,
trying to refuel my passions
for the many things
he took away from me

i sit here
not embarrassed
of who i am

i sit here
sometimes questioning myself

because his voice at the back of my head
still judges me
for liking the things i do

i sit here
trying to regain the pieces of me

that had fallen all over the floor

i am almost there
i am almost full

i'm different now, id like to think
reading the past is as strange as it seems

a girl, so lost
i see

its hard to bare, the words of her/
i see into her,

so many years of pain, filled with resentment
for herself,

misunderstanding of the fact,
that she needs a reason to exist

she just does

writing poems is pretentious they say,
did you know?

apparently I'm stuck up my own ***
if I don't

sorry you act to good to express how
you really feel

you think its 'gay' and 'pathetic'?
well okay

say what you want
I dont care

it makes me feel alive
do you like feeling dead?

it's like your thoughts come to life

and it feels so real

I feel sorry for you,
if you think you're too good to express

or maybe on the other end
you're just too insecure to address?

I flick trough the poems
that I've forgotten that I've written
and i read about,
how I feel tortured and belittled

A journey of three years
a very long time
that had flew in front of my eyes
and here I am now
wondering

where did the time go?

it saddens me to say
that I am no different
I wish I had progressed
but I guess it makes no difference

this proves to me though
that life indeed is so hard
because who would've known
that in such a long time
I would've made no progress

still the same
broken
shattered
saddened
anxious
sensitive
loving
lonely
sh­y
dreamer

person that I guess I still am

He told me to revisit my past
so ill try.

So little, so innocent,
playing in the snow,
at the age of 5,
its all I had to know

I liked this boy,
he had blonde hair
he was incredibly cute
and my heart warms
when I still remember his name

we flew out one summer
to an island far far away
to see my dad, because we missed him so so bad
cash flow was low, what did I know
so we had to stay
on the island far far away

thrown in the deep end
of a language I don't comprehend
in a pool full of people
that didn't understand who I am

they laughed and they mocked
because what do they know,
this little foreign girl
so pathetic, I know

I cried and I sat
in silence for long
its how I became the 'shy one'
I know

here I still sit,
writing in the now not so foreign tongue
in an island far far away
what could I have known

I sit here staring at my laptop
wondering why I can't write like I used to
and then I realise that my brain got so loud
that I'm lost for words

Lately find is so hard to find words
to describe anything
because I feel like
a lonely misunderstood cloud
of rain

I feel bad for the people that know me
I know its pathetic but its true
I can't seem to find myself for ages
I don't know if anything I say is true

I want to keep writing
I want to find myself
so maybe this will help me

Like I said
its been a while
a tough while
a very silent one

yet completely chaotic

you won't understand
nor will I understand
what happened to make
my future look like this

so lonely and bare
so bare and lonely
so silent yet loud
I stand on my own

barely grabbing on
to the little glimmer of hope
I stand low amongst
no one

been a lonely time
a tough time
a quiet time
and a loud time

no words could help me
no social distractions
so hard to hide from your feelings

when they look your right in the face

looking me so hard in the face

I can't seem to keep my eyes open,
they burn

little by little,
one second at a time
they open up slightly
but they didn't open in time

I still stand here
so low
and so alone
but thats okay

because I guess theres still hope

do you remember
when we first shared a look
dead silence between us
didnt matter so much

we lay on the grass
looking at the stars
it seemed so cliche
but then i thought who the hell cares

im sitting down
on the mattress on the floor
gazing at my bedroom door
wondering why i exist because i think im a bore

questioning life
like i question everything else
i dig myself a deeper hole
that i cannot climb out of myself

i speak of my issues often
feeling slightly guilty inside
wondering why people dont care as much as i do
how do they dare?

but it all comes down to
my mind playing games
people that love me, show me they care
but i choose not to see it
because deep down i think
im undeserving
of the love,
the emotion,
the tender care,
the devotion,
the loving stare,
and most of all
not allowing myself to fall in love
or
be loved by someone else

woke up in the mornin
with a very bad headache

not realisin'
that there was screamin downstairs

so i rush downnn
to save mama from you

blood trickles down her nose
and i see a tear or two

you stare at me with demonns
in your eyes

like im the one that disobeyed the human rights

ill save you i said mama dont you cry
but shes a hero and she dont need savin now

said mama,
i swear to you my child
said mama,
your father has run wild
i promise you that i will keep you safe
no one will hurt you, because we are a free state

oh mama oh mama oh mama

living alone,
is a tough job to keep

constant nightmares,
of the mistakes you might have made

i crawl into her bed at night
like i used to at 5 years of age

to keep her safe
and i see her smile

she stares at me with angels
in her eyes

like im the saviour
that god has sent her
cuz

ill save you darlin she said baby dont you cry
your my hero and i dont need savin now
and i dont need savin nowwwww


said mama,
i swear to you my child
said mama,
your father has run wild
i promise you that i will keep you safe
no one will hurt you, because we are a free state

oh mama oh mama oh mama
oh mama oh mama oh mama etc etc

hey there, i saw you
how you doing, oh im okay,
i thought id tell you, i missed you
oh but sorry i moved on

IIIIIIII left
a letter in your door
and ii knowww ,
that you were out with her



i

Overthinking is just empty thoughts,
empty people..
That are trying to become real things,
It's the darkness inside that is trying to get out,
To overwhelm you,
To turn you dark.

Tears are for the weak they said,
Even though they cry at night,
Light a candle and watch.it.drip.
It will happen to all your lies

Watching from the corner,
pretending to belong in there,
But its ones like I that see,
through your wall of..

standing in the corner
believing you should be there,
but its the ones like  you that see,
through the wall

Intoxicant madness,
Chaos in their eyes,
Breathing fire breath,
Burning all the lies

Intoxicant madness,
Fear is by their side,
Say hello to me, old friend,
I bet you've missed me, its been a long time

Watching from the corner,
pretending to belong in there,
But its ones like I that see,
through your wall of..

standing in the corner
believing you should be there,
but its the ones like  you that see,
through the wall

we know that you

Hands trembling,
And you don't know what to do,
You choose to type to counteract the fear,
But it's like running away from yourself,

You can't

It fears a lot of us,
With the constant anxious mind,
And the butterflies in our stomachs,
And the body shaking is rough.

But once you give into the fear,
And accept your mind and body the way they are,
Let it all overwhelm you,
Since there's no point in fighting yourself.

It will all come together,
And you'll have nothing to fear,
Then finally you'll take a deep breath,
And all the fear will Disappear.

Alcohol madness,
Chaos in their eyes,
Breathing fire breath,
Burning all the lies

Hey I,
Can see you ,
Lookin' overhead

Hey I,
Can see,
The dreams that live within your eyes

Oh youuuuuuu,
Can keep wishin
, you keep dreamin'
oh my dear

oh youuuuuuu,

The sun lights up the room,
Through the silky curtains draped,
Flowing in the breeze,
I slowly wake.

The first feeling of the sunrise,
And the sheets pressed against my legs,
I strike a smile in your direction,
And you give me a kiss back..

The smell of coffee,
Intoxicating,
Almost as bad as your blisss,
And its never fading

that awkward moment,
when i looked you in the eye
and promised nothing

thinkin,
that i wont hang around
i promised nothing

I see that you,
may have found your way
but it means nothing

oh honey,
i know that you wont stay
but it means nothing

That awkward moment,
When I looked you in the eye,
And promised myself nothingness
Thinking, just another apple on the tree.

But brick by brick,
It all came down, flawlessly crashing,
And it was like, another door had opened,
And I could finally look across that wall,

So then there was that awkward moment,
When It turns out, it actually promised,
That It would be the one.

The riddled mind,
Speaks only in twists,
Hoping that way, to conceal,
The truthfully intended wits,

Hiding behind a glass door,
Thinking no one can see,
Only a foolish mind,
Would run from the ones who seek

for you to unleash your heart,
It will be a mistake you wish you made.

I sit here,
In silence.

Holding in my deepest thoughts.

This is reality.
This is me.

Overflown with anxiety from head to toe,
I feel as vulnerable as someone without a home.

I speak honest words and I behold an honest mind,
Not afraid to be exposed anymore,
Because I have nothing to hide.

Tears are for the weak, they said
Without knowing what lies beneath,
The scars and the shattered heart beats,
And the butterflies that live within.

They're the cowards,
That hide behind a smile,
Not knowing that the true strengths,
Lie within their exposed hearts.

I see the clothes on the floor,
That I choose not to touch,
I'ts all wrinkled and such.

You see it as a mess,
And I certainly do not,

Because only the narrow minded,
Can't understand A creative touch.

I try so hard,
But you don't see,
The effort I put,
Into the ones in need.

Unappreciated I go,
Even though it hurts my soul,
But yours is more important,
Than my own

blinded by the lies of lust
chose to drink from the forbidden cup
the daydream ends as i awake
just to find myself lying in an empty space

i reach out my hand
feeling the air
a dent in the bed, where you once may lay
a fire inside
that screams your name
my heart beats so fast
at the thought of your gaze

Always end up near you,
A fine line away from your touch,
It never quite gets there,
Because my morals are too much

Instead we stare into each other,
That's when my hopes fly high,
But in the end I figure out that
I've just been misleading my own mind

Before I was hesitant
to let you near
I was afraid of misery
And the pain that's so near

In case the fine like is broken
And I let all the demons in
Then I'm left with the black eyed picture
staring right at me

I turn to your side
Your eyes are closed,
I can see you dreaming
In your own world

What goes on in your mind
only I can find
The treasure that you are,
Hiding inside

when i walk into the room
eyes locked

i sit close to you
i can feel you near

gently push your hair back
i can see your eyes,  now...

shivers down my back
i can feel you here

honey walk
walk away from me
i dont need your soul
i dont need you here

oh honey walk walk walk
walk away from here
dont wanna see your face
dont wanna be your heir

see how you do
while im not around
couse baby i know
that im your fuel tank

its funny to me
to see you this way
because you thought
you were better off
oh id say

I see you
standing
by the door
every night
you come
and tuck away my bore

you think
i dont see you
the way you play those games
but baby i know you
i know you i know how you play
but baby i know you
i know you
i know you
i know you

We sit on empty benches,
looking at the stars,
and hear the crowd in our heads cheering,
to the emptiness they found,

an old score left to settle,
but neither of us know why,
because i know that deep inside us,
theres still passion that we strived

The moments you feel lost
And the moments you feel upset
Are the ones that will bring you joy
In the future that you will set

Then we will look back
At all the hard times and the steuggles
And see that we fought
To be where we are now.

We all think too much,
And live too little,
We don't go to brunch
Or have patience to boil the kettle.

So think less
And live more,
And lets go to brunch.
And enjoy the hot and the cold.

I sit at home on a Wednesday,
Not knowing what to do.
Being shouted and screamed at
By the ones that know not to.

I feel the tension in my body
As it runs through my spine,
And I just hope that one day,
Someone might be kind.

I stare through the frosted window
Watching all the children play
Remembering the good old days
When things were simple and I didn't have to pay

For all the mistakes and wrongs I did
Because of the phase I had that day
But I was only making promises
That I didn't know I couldn't make.

I sit in bed,
Contemplating my life,
Wondering where else can I go?
Where else can I hide?

You will always be there,
No matter how hard I try,
Because I'm actually looking in the mirror ,
Looking at my reflection and my life.

You say the words you think are right
But I just know that deep inside
You're hiding your true self
You're just secretly searching for help.

You think the hurtful words will make
A better person, but that's the mistake.
They will only leave you bare and bone
Then you with the world will be left alone.

The swish of the waves,
are like thoughts in my mind
That wont leave me alone
and I cant leave them behind.

The sway of the trees
are like thoughts that come to mind
I can't control them
because we were once bound.

Your soft skin is like a feather
waiting to be blown away,
by the one and only person
who makes your head sway.

Your soft touch is like a silk robe
gliding over my skin,
as you kiss the night away.
With a righteous sin.