(written by my Mother)

I've tried
but I can't stop
crying      for you

and I,
was real
But you
were not
because it was new to you

So one more time
I've been shown that I
Can't have much faith
in you

maybe
if you knew
how much I've wanted to

Oh, What a View!
      from this hazy morning hue,

Familiar faces        interlacing
    back-trip Flashes
Heart is Racing

In my brain &
  through my veins
i still feel the
                       ACID STAIN

Recollections of
Reckless Havoc,
Wreaked when I was
Trapped in Magic

man
  last night
                                           who was i ?

  right now i'm fading from my sight

I am here while i am There
and I have yet to    Find my Mind .

All I have
Is
Everything
I have ever and will ever
Need.
Want not
For want is
As useful as plastic
For sealing in freshness of fruits
You were about to enjoy
Anyway.
Eat up,
Drink slow,
There is more to learn than know
And I
Am so grateful
To be a cell
In this
Whole.

I won't be the weak one,
Although when I think and speak
I may tweak some I'm just
Searching for reasons
To justify the swell.
I will ride the undertow
Sunken beneath bass lines 
And blunt tails
Intending to take it slow.
But I get a little excited sometimes, you know.
So when this undertow undoubtedly 
Washes me ashore
I'll be the imaginary statue 
Erected in my honor
Proudly saluting every fleeting
Emotion that sailed
Straight through my harbor.
You see, 
Harboring hatred is a trait
I forfeited
To make way for the minuscule moments and glimpses
Of human existence penetrating
Layers of jade and years
Of conditioning and I am successfully
Transitioning into persistently 
Acknowledging the raindrops 
As they hit the pavement and pop.
You see some people feel the rain
While others just get wet,
A wise Rastafarian 
Once famously said.
And I think on it all
Far too frequently for a quiet mind
But I've never had one of those
Not even after rolling papers
Intertwine and smoke fills my eyes,
Because I am accustomed 
To a constant consciousness
And I'd much rather this
Than nothingness
And thus I sit, contemplating 
Consequence 
Aspiring to avoid the guilt of 
Seasons past,
For I am past the point of
Punishment and pain ghosts and
I have plenty of pangs from all
The echoes
In my brain and in these
Rattled apartment's stains
It's not all in vain 
Life grows these varicose
Veins
Colored-in, crawling across the
Window panes 
Of the chamber where my soul remained
Through the bridge until the end of
The refrain.
I am in reign. 
I rock the crown.
I roll the dice when 
I am down
I try to think twice
Before I frown
I contemplate the value 
Of the men that I allow
To lay me down 
Now,
I am grown and I am proud
Because I am humble
And I'm not loud
Any longer,
I listen
To the subtle sounds of
Human respiration.
I am the incarnation
Of ancient incantations that
Shake down the walls which
Separate us all
All the way to the ground.
True power is found
Where unity resounds.

Her birthday cards

All lined up on the mantle like

Happy paper people, waiting to give praise.

She placed her flowers just below

On the fireplace bricks like

A bouquet garden,

nurtured for ripe admiring.

It’s an impromptu display, in gentle notions reading:

“I am loved!”

Next to Grandpa’s old chair,

Where part of Grandma’s heart sleeps

At night.

What a beautiful home

She has kept

And keeps.

Memorabilia of a better time

When pride came from the simple things.

With a warm heart and keen eye,

Every adornment

In its proper home placed,

And atop the fireplace mantle

Is where you’ll find

The birthday cards.

"Life is hard,"
she said,
"and life is sad.  Life is one
thousand crevices carved into your heartscape,
By human fingernails,
even your own."

"You will feel strongest, somehow,
when you cry.
You will feel that there is nothing left
that can harm you
and you will be wrong,
and you will be right.
And you'll beat into your head your own lessons
and others will beat the
kindness
and
empathy
right out of your mind.
You will be shaken,
rattled to your core
time after time,
and each time you'll find that your heartscape, your center is more
brazen than blind.
It has its own mind; It has never resigned.
Swim the caverns you've carved
into your insides and
realize -

You are not damaged, but exposed.  
Opened up like a
flower
blooming toward
the light."

We see eachother
Through our screens
And we see nothing at all.
All of us,
Our pixels staged
Like empty vendor stalls.

Substituting eye contact with
Fingertips on
Static.
Everything emotional
Is frozen,
Mathematic.

I am longing inside out
For
Savage,
Revealing
Touch

Warmed not by
Electricity,
But by a  
Carnal
Flush.

Whoever told you
That we weren't
All in this Together


Lied.

Illiterally
The letter 'A'
Is type O Positive

and wraps 'round my ankle
at midday.

So many words for
Me.
So few for them.

I,
like a chimney
Send fire from base up
Higher to the place
Where the ashes erupt

in the sky.

I stain my
Insides.

He like a soldier stands
Tall and unphased.

Window print silhouette.

It vibrates, my gaze,
Sends moonbeams through space

and somehow I reach him.

Refresh the haze.
Danger is as dangerous,
Only dangerous as
the place.

Forbidden fruit hung on the tree in such a fashion that I could not grab it.
I watched the forest fever grow hot near you. Untastable, you hung just so.
Just so.
High on the branch but low to the ground, like an earthbound deity, you swung humbly.
I watched you.
Three thousand happenstances, coordinating dizzily, dropped you in my lap.
How could I not lap you up?
You tasted me
on your way down.
Sifting through me filtered, your poison seeps out my pores.
Last week of ripeness go slow,
I cannot get the taste off my tongue

I am melting into place/
Thinking of somewhere else.
Every frantic glance
is a flash
Of something else I've felt and
My existence is longing/
My soul only yearns
While my mind on a kite string
Floats away with the birds
and I am bigger than this.

(I am more than a wish)

My guilt, like a rock,
It sinks in my skull
Slides down through my backbone
Is heavy to pull
(Only dragged by the fool)
Regret gathers and pools.

But my heart pumps this blood
as though it's paid wages/
Piano fingers shuffle chapters created by pages
Of books
Of mistakes
I have made through the ages.

Perhaps if I study enough
I will learn
And perhaps if I smoke
enough I will burn.



So I Burn The Effigy Doll
(how pale and small).

...
    A breath of air
the closing of eyes,
    exhale; release
look around
    sigh.
Inhale again
    now hold this one in
I am full
    to the brim
All of me
    is within.
...

This is a love letter:

You are the skin between my teeth.
You are the skin of my teeth,
you’re a skinned knee.
You feel good to me when you shouldn’t,

I miss you when I ache.

This is a fumbled ball
recovered by the same team.
Of course I’m my best me
when I pretend I don’t want you,
I make playlists when I let me do.

I’m too much for you.

I know sometimes you want me too

I’m just,
we could ruin it,
we could flood the wholeworld
dry up like raisins,

become the pebble in each
other's shoe.

And I’ve traveled so far from you,
carved an “L” into the land,
and at each end
I feel heat.

A pilot light still lit
where the two legs meet.

I met your ghost in a dream
and he said “
if you wait to ask the question
the answer will be “too Late.”

I face backwards most my days.

Darkness waters you
in the parts of your mind i can’t see,


but I can smell the flowers.

Beautiful Boy I had seen you there,
With your spirit twirled up like your long, black hair.
I glanced back to lock
Your image inside and you flashed me a smile
Just as our souls
Touched eyes.


~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~.--.~



"It's beautiful,
It looks just like a painting."

"Yeah,
That's exactly what it is, A big
Painting in the sky.
You can even see the brush strokes

                In the sunset over New Orleans."

Quiet
my Soul?

How could I have tamped it down,
muffled it to such a Whisper
for Months on End with you
Rattling my brain,
Disintegrating my thoughtspace.
You drowned out the Fire alarms-
police Sirens-
Tornado Warnings-
with your shouting.

For being the
Loudest thing I ever met
You sure ever said nothing.

Life is an incredible steamship

packed full

of people fishing

for their wallets.

I am not a waterballoon, bursting at impact.

I am a hot ***, a cauldron

filling,

filling,

full,

overflow.

I spill onto the street,

Weeping for my world.

Carbonation
In the perforations
Of my pupils
Pops
Like one million little
Tiny bubbles
Swirling to the top
And I am lit

Just like a lantern on the lawn
I sway with wind 'til
Night is gone
Tumble with you
Toward the dawn

The lotus wades

     Shallow water

          Even and calm.

Her petals brighten

     In the beating sun's rays,

Glowing of tranquility.

          The onlooker grows jealous

     Venom green with envy

While the lotus rests,

          Mockingly green leaves.

Someone once told me that love was blind.
Youth is wasted on the young,
We are all going to die.
After un-clutching scraps of what I'll never find,
This is all that I've brought.
I am all that is mine.

Don't ever, ever, little girl,
Listen to the old.
The world of those who
Raised them were as dark as
Devils compared to the
Funlit days we live.
To them, infatuation came
In work's way.
To them, romance was
Mind's comfort; the
Substance of fantasy.
In our world, your heart's
Every beat for another
Rings as true
To Love's ears as
Her own
To herself.

Yet the cloak hangs so heavily
Around all of these scenes.
Each notion a portrait,
Undistinguished and vague yet
Littered with details strewn in
Alarming
Array.
I take with rock salt
All that they've had to say.
For how does dim
Memory
To a feeling
Compare?

Let us forget to look back
And listen for
Wisdom.
Let us forget to ask
For opinions; vantage points.
All fingerprints blur
In time and fade forgotten
Into their surfaces; the
Grip they once formed
Long, long released.
Love, if only for a second.
Love, even if you know
That it's wrong.
No love ever was.
Love.
You'll have bigger
Regrets in time.
Only we know
What it means to be
Exactly this
Young
Today.

Only I
See through these keyholes
Carved upon my Face.
I am free from pre-conceived restraints.
I am a beacon
Of naïve wisdom,
A sponge for all feelings
Un-hardened by fate.
Suggestions
Directions
Instructions abound.
I am free from these shackles,
Boundless heartwaves
Resound

I see not your keyholes for the
Key in my eye. You are
Divine Feminine expressing Herself
Through yourself; as yourself.
Quill dipped in own wisdom.
Heart's blood and history.
Afloat in eternities of
Utter female
Warmth.
Someone once told you that love was blind.
That youth was wasted on the young.
I don't want to hear you
Sounding that old
Ever again. Notions.
Heartwaves. Manifestations.
Art saved. Inspirations.
Emotions.

Skin soaks in sting until the burning subsides
into numbness.
You are king;
                               I’m a furnace.


Fallen thing, how you broke just a small
little piece of your wing
in the jump
from the bird’s nest.

but not alone again.
alone when?
whenever I chose.
I maintained the prose
of lonely men.
I threw my woes at
selfish friends
but oh, to hold
that bad blood in.
outside, pretend,
then inside, again?
insufferable
immense
inner turmoil commence
post-armageddon I make
inner amends
what floods I've ridden
what waters I spin
what swirling singularity
like a drain
pulls me in?
I swim now
in oceans
much larger than those
the blows I have known
have softened the glow
I sit in repose
the universe knows
everything -
it's slowly spinning as we
quietly sing
and I conjure the means
to re-see everything.

I feel safest wrapped in
Darkness
Solitary,
Voluntarily.
Shut my eyes and experience the
    Colors,
       Under covers,
Fast asleep.
(I never asked you to be next to me.
I never told you that I couldn't feel.)

       And I feel strangest
In the daylight
In the sunshine or the shade I am
   Opened like a book
For leafing through.
My ink melts and leaks
Off pages
Until
Descension,
  Depths of ages
Passed and to come.
   Again I am one.
(I never asked you to
Let me in)
Cloak of blackness
Masks malpractice
Sets me free.
Solidity,
   Shattered as the sun

Beats me awake and I am
      Shaken,
      Naked,
Young, Dumb, Prepared to Fake it
Let me be.

What is it like chasing the sun?
    Like waking up to race it?


And what’s it like chasing it in the opposite direction with me?


Is it like falling
     or like lifting
                  
                      off

                            

                              
                                   a cliff?


Am I a weight on your eyelids?


    Do you feel fresh and full
                          of power
When you're carrying the daybreak
         on your back?


Are you dreaming
when we slide into sunrise

           through
                 sleepless eyes?




Will we forgive ourselves



            Once the moon is small

And the stars cannot hide

         The rising tide in my eyes?




Behind a curtain of clouds
from the sun
I will hide.

I shot a nail gun the other day
for the first time.
Maybe I wasn’t doing it wrong after all.
Maybe I just
hit some studs.

Feeling a bit
homesick,
or lovesick,
or I-don’t-know-which-kind-of-sick,
but I’m sad,
I split some peas over the stove.
Poured left-over sweet tea
and cuddled up in a bed I made for me;
Mattress pad on hard wood.

I am thankful for these things -
The acceptance and peace
that accompany the melancholy.
Miracles in dim light.
Carefully,
my eyes adjust to worm’s sight.

Maybe, after all, I didn’t fire duds.
Perhaps when I shot the nail gun
the other day
I hit studs.

____

Thunder, thunder, rock my soul.
Rattle my cage, dissect me whole.
Soak my flesh and shake my bones,
Smooth me over like a stone.

I'll be solid when you're gone.

I'll be solid when you're gone.

______

My tired mind spins
and I draw it back in.
My thoughts throbbing to the beat of
"You hurt me
Like nobody else
and I
Let you."
And my guilt is your guilt
And I do not
Want it.
And I'm not sorry
For loving you
But for letting you back in
Time and time again - I just
Can't
Figure out when
Before breaking
I bent -

(I packed your **** while you were gone/I packed your **** because you were wrong.)

And I wouldn't, couldn't trade
Our breathless climb
To the cliff.
I will not forget and I cannot change it.
I only want
To erase
The memories of your
Hands
When they meant me
Harm,

and I forgive you anyway.

Not for your sake
But mine.

As awareness rescinds, (pulls back like the tide)
The screaming grows louder.
(Attention seeker, like a child).
As feet are lifted (atop hardwood
over concrete over bones)
Further from the earth we grow
(And feel.)
How can you hear them? Them, the beasts that protect life, over
All the static ringing electric currents
Flashing lights
?
Still, the water trickles.
(your Sun, still will he rise)
Whily heavy eyelids divert eyes.

Tantrum habits cry dry tears (those who've not been shaken to their core),
Beg for excess shave down years (this is not what it's all for)

Harvest season for the poor
Reaps more than plenty score for score.

Comfort now lies in divisions, don't cross my line! Come, clean my floor!
Up-nose scoffs toward open doors
(You're still welcome forevermore

Earth is not sorry for
Her mess.
You should  
Be sorry for all of yours).




And the world
The world, it spins.

My mind
my poor mind
is swimming with thoughts
Swelling with oceans of heartaches forgot
Waves of regret rise and break on my shores
But in search of that bliss
I dive back in for more.
I rock
And I tumble
All alone in my head
Contemplate if I've known
what it's like to be dead
I've been numb as a ghost,
I've been colder than ice
yet my heart beats on still in its pale morning light
As dawn breaks on my waters,
what the waves whisper of
is whether or not
i have known how to love.

Don't bury it
burn
the hatchet
and the money
and the     grass.
All frightening things
seem trivial
once the moment           starts to pass.

Human bodies house infinite minds
within which enormous power lies
energy un-utilized -
Asleep.
We're all
asleep
like

dormant mourners of our souls,
settling into separate holes
dividing earth with flags on poles
but
we
own
none of this.

There is something so grounding about the rumbling of a train going by,
   And then the soothing, settling of the surroundings as it runs off into a whisper, escaping the reaches of your eye.
I sigh.
   Another train, in opposite direction sliding by.
   I see in it the line drawing my potential demise and simultaneously untangling my turmoil inside.
I am fried.
I am fine.
   I am so drawn to these tracks where the machine-cars glide,
   A deep-seated need to witness
Their Force, their Direction, to Feel Alive.

Who counted hours out of the sky
And clipped the ends off?
Who quantified
Existence?
Who cheapened the flights of the sun and the moon
And put limits on time
Trapping limitless eyes?

Each day
Is one thousand days and each hour
Is one thousand hours, and
Years pass in seconds
While seconds last lifetimes
Sometimes

But my calendar

Has no capacity for this.

A moment
Lasts as long
As the glow lingers
When it's gone

And all the while
The clocks tick on,

I maintain whoever measured
The day
Was wrong.