Where are you
And why haven’t I seen you in weeks?
Where are you
And your toxic nature?
I miss you sinking into my skin.
Its a seemingly impossible proportion
I’ve taken upon myself
And the stars aren’t aligned for me
So tell me why I do the things I do
When you’re around.
This is what happens
When I think about you
This is what happens
When the waves are at high tide
And full force
Ready to submerge anything in their path.
Because all I do is crumble
Because the thoughts of you are so
Intrusive.
You’ve nestled between my skin
You’ve dug yourself a path
In what I thought
Was the utmost private of
All the passageways of my being.
I’ve never told you that I was scared.
I’ve never told you how I’m wrecked.
I’ve never told you I’m in shambles
Over someone who isn’t broken over me
I’m terrified of what ill do
Once you’re gone.
But maybe I’ll be free
Maybe I’ll thrive.
I was young
But this love has made me age
Beyond my years.
And I don’t know
If I’ll ever get back to a place
Where I learn to love myself.
Everything you’ve said
Will stay with me forever.
Never forget what you’ve done
And how conflicted you’ve left me
With myself.
My heart was never meant for this. 
I don’t like this.
But this is all I’ve ever known
And I can’t make new memories
With a life I don’t know how to live.
So, tell me.
Where are you?
Where am I?
When I’m lost inside my own mind.

In a world where you’re just trying to survive.
In a world where your voice has no meaning.
In a world where each being you pursue is a placeholder for every dream you’ve ever imagined of living.
The easiest part is hurting and walking away from every voice in my head like nothing I want means anything.
If I give myself no chances of survival where will I be when i’m elbow deep in the trenches of a mans soul?
Where will I be when i’m sulking and buried in regret from doing everything I ever said I wouldn’t?
It means nothing when the relapses come more often and the promises start breaking and my focus shifts to all the dangerous things I long for so desperately.
My biggest fear isn’t dying my biggest fear is exiting this life knowing i’ve let myself down, and i’m sure i’ll do just that.
I’m sure everything i’ve ever told you will become a memory of the times you thought I was crazy, the times you’d wish you’d never met me.
A memory of the times we sat face to face and spit nothing but hate in each other’s faces.
A memory of when you thought you made me happy.
And that’s just it.
You thought you made me happy and I thought you gave me the world.
I thought I was good to you, and to myself.
I was loyal to nothing but the drugs and it became impossible to form any sort of connection with someone so pure.
But I beg to differ.
You’re hard to love, and I’m hard to handle.
But what does it mean when the holes in your chest become craters and the lost feeling you carry with you turns into hatred towards your own self regret?
When nothing is easy, when nothing is beautiful, run.
Run fast and run hard.
Strip yourself of the pain, and watch yourself sink slowly.
This fixation on love fuels the fire and the need to be wanted gives false hope.
But will I ever stop doing this to myself?
The answer is no. Because I thrive off of being upset and making a home in hell. And that’s just something i choose to live with.

im not quite sure where all the time went
but i still remember every word you said.
everything you ever expected from me,
every thought you ever had about me.

ive got your beliefs on my mind.
am i everything you wanted??

i thought i was safe inside your heart,
i thought itd be easier to see the light of day.
oh but was i wrong thinking youd be my savior.

i remember all you ever taught me
but ill never remember the things you shouted at me.
i got really good at repression,
because all you ever preached was nothing i could believe.

i told myself a million times i wouldnt go
round and round again.
but i never stopped spinning, and i never got dizzy.

I framed myself for every wrong,
you never did any bad, and i never saw.
it was okay, all those words you said,
you burned into my mind, the worthlessness i held.
i came this far thinking i was less than enough,
i came into adulthood knowing my worth.
because you helped me figure out exactly how to fail.

i never had a life, you never gave me what i needed to succeed.
i never had what gave me the will to power on.
how dare i believe i had it good.

Dear sharp mind of mine
you've returned for revenge
cause ive poisioned you
with every drag of pride ive ever shown.

do not run from me,
im faster than you think.
i wont spare you none,
you wont have time for the rehab you seek.

they say you don't get time
to make yourself better,
they say youll be this way forever
but youll never know until you try.
whether your soul remains ashed
or if you can redeem yourself one last time,
youre still the same.

ive rung myself dry
ive ****** the life out of every
good thing ive ever known,
how pleasant.

and when he told you he loved you did it give you hope?
did it make it possible for you to live with regret?
well what a shame, cause now he's dead.
he's hung himself to die.

dear baby,
i never meant for it to be this cruel,
im sorry i gave you my shoulder,
im sorry i saved you.
i guess it was all for the best,
maybe not, look at you now.
my intentions were good, i promise.

its almost impossible to make conversation
with the voices in my head,
they seem so sweet, so complacent
but who am i to judge a person's sanity?
im the last one who deserves that right.

oh, darling, you're such a lovely addition
to these hearts ive hung up around town.
you'll be so admired by the dead.

say goodnight to what youve always known.
its all changed now.
you'll never know.
you'll never know.

if you're looking for me
im probably sinking below the surface,
im drowning.

ive been so caught up in the things i wish to be,
you've been helping me down since the first time i told you i was hurt.
ive been telling myself i need something to extract you from me,
ive been stuck to you, an eternal bond i just cant break.

most of the time,
im sinking below the surface,
but that doesnt stop anyone from pushing me further.
im standing on the edge of these tracks,
and im never coming back.

you watched me burn, slowly, without movement.
you watched my ashes blow into the ocean,
and they became the freedom i always longed for.

why did you wait so long to try and **** me,
why couldnt you see i was already dead?
chain me down,
help me sink once more.

i am angry
they told me who i'm supposed to be
i am not who they wanted in their world.
i am anything but pure
i am anything but sweet.
i am your worst nightmare.

my hands numb,
my legs shaking, toes tapping,
you asked me what i wanted to be.
well what the hell, i haven't the slightest,
i've never really thought about
the person i wanted to become.
"someone everyone loves"
but what does that ever accomplish?
what if no one ever learns to love me the
way that they're supposed to?
but how is anyone supposed to love me anyway.
what if i'm already doomed?
I'm already in the mix, i'm already set up to fail.
so then, you ask me; "who are you?"
silence.

in the spur of the moment,
my eyes widened.
i reminisce of every time i thought
i was doing something because it was me.
i think of every single time you lectured me,
asking what i was doing with myself.
i think of the times my parents were disappointed,
and all of the people I've let down.
I thought they'd hate me, but they didn't even care.
no one ever really gave a crap what i did,
but I, all too much of their actions.
and for what? look where it landed me.

I'm so upset with myself.
I'm supposed to know these things.
I'm supposed to know who i am.
I'm supposed to know what this body contains,
I'm supposed to know what my heart can give,
and what my mind believes in.
but i just don't.
at least not now.


who was i when i popped those pills,
willingly broke through my skin to feel the pain.
who was i on New Years 13 shots in,
kissing that cute boy who's name escapes me.
who was i when my parents divorced,
who was i when i no longer had a family.
when i got my license, or graduated high school.
who was i when you looked me in the eyes and told
me you loved the girl i used to be.
who is the girl i used to be?

if this is the coming of the storm, then someone tell me,
because here i am, 19 years into my life
not knowing one single thing about myself.
not knowing what to feel,
only because at this very moment, i have to think.
i have to give definition to myself
when before, it all rolled off my tongue,
like i read my fate on a gum wrapper.

you never did notice my shaking legs, or my pale face.
you never did see right through me. oh this is easy to fake.
i put my hands together and said "i am myself"

although i had no idea who that is.

but i know i am angry,
i am not pure,
i am not sweet.
i sure as hell am not "myself",
whoever that may be.

what have you done to me.
i let you undress me with your eyes,
slowly and reassuringly.
and then aggressively with your hands,
undoing the buttons on my shirt
and unzipping my jeans
nearly ripping the fabric right from under me.

pulling me across the bed
breathing heavily into my ear,
i'm remembering why
i ever called you mine in the first place.
we decorated these walls with our fingerprints
and they remain as memories of every time we've touched.

now why you?
is it your scent, is it your skin?
the way the marks you leave on my stomach
feel like you every time i touch them?
its you that i want, its you that keeps me here
when i should be with whom i claim to love.

when you were mine,
it was a perfect dream,
we ran through the war with not a scratch
not a dent in our skin.
we got out of the mess,
accompanying each other through the storm.

I should have let you sit in the driveway,
I should have never let you walk through the front door.
Why couldn't you have left me alone in this room
without your taunting glares
begging for the affection i crave so much.

I swore i wouldn't do this.
I swore i wouldn't kiss your neck again,
i swore i wouldn't make you want me.

but I gave in.
so here you are
once again.
you're lying on my bed,
and i'm on top of you.

When the trees grow old
And the wind begins to blow
The branches sway back and forth
And the leaves begin to fall.
The bark starts to peel,
And the roots grow weaker and weaker.

But if we climb that tree,
If we reach the very top,
We notice the clouds in a clear sky
And how they sway to the left,
Sway to the right,
Listening to what the wind tells them to do.

So if we jump to the clouds
We can look down and see
Everything going on
From a different perspective.
Our point of view sways one way
Or another because of what we want to see.

We can see it all for miles,
We can see the world from here.
We can see young ladies swaying their hips,
We can see the ocean’s waves crash.
We can see each spec of waste
We can see whatever we please to find.

But this is unnerving
And this is not how we want to discover
So we hop back to the swaying branches.
We sit and ponder our visions,
We can imagine all of the possibilities
That we have just encountered.

We can see that our tree
Is just as strong,
Is just as gorgeous
As that young woman swaying her hips,
As the ocean’s waves.
The peeling bark uncovers fresh sap
And the tree’s roots regenerate strong.

When the trees grow old and the wind begins to blow,
We sit on the branches, and sway our feet
Hundreds of feet above, and write poetry to our imagination.

every senseless thought
you are not dead to the mind.

reading to you from my fingertips
your destiny lies in a drought.

aimless and lost
you are blind

I am not mute,
I am not naive to you
I am anything but practiced
in the art of fixing your soul
everytime it breaks.

You, to me.
We are one salvaged being
Chained.
Gruesomely punished.
We are it.

But you are forgotten.
You are one sad, sick person
You are the one.
You will not make it.

But me, I am just blind.

Encased in a worrisome path
lead nowhere but the darkest cavern of my soul, you, my light, give more so of a reason to be prosperous and shed my love to a dear heart such as yours.
     The waking of a demon under skin so thick, fear and blame... factors so far and few between.
     Trance becoming nonetheless a fantasy of greater times, you, love, wrap destiny around every hardened fate in this world.
     Amongst the most deathly sins of man, fearing only everything in ones path... safety, where your heart lies.. where I sit and sing sweet lullabys for you.
     And not only a single tear shed, many full of fear, of hurt.. and many full of happiness and laughter.
     You, my muse, are the single greatest occurrence in the small, short life I will live. And for that, you must know that I love you.

her entirety rests in his eyes.
she is enamoured with the way he speaks.
his smile.
his skin.
how scary it is to look in his eyes.
she thought,
"beautiful flames, aspirations, love."
he saw broken.
enticed by a noncommittal love,
their souls often attack one another.
reminders of a distance.
arms length in physicality,
thousands of miles separate their minds.
so many intricate thoughts,
what they speak is merely simplistic.
apart from drowning in eachother's darkness, they remain whole.
They are celestial, and far too eclipsed from reality.
Because eternity rests where their most dangerous actions prosper.
Eachother.
Something that will make them feel alive,
but ****** everything they felt was love.

taking one too many round trips to your mind
and snooping through your waves.
every time discovering
the warmth in your heart,
embracing your smile
and every imperfection
regardless of time, or needs, wants,
you are still here.
I haven't seen you in months
& depressingly enough
your cologne still lingers on my pillow.
it reminds me of every night
we slept silently and comfortably.
but how beautiful it is knowing that
one thing leads to another
and although our prime has passed
our relationship grows
and the realization of maturity grows
to the comforting space inside my heart.

How crazy is it that we’re thought to be under one life under one mind form, mindset, thought the same thoughts have the same feelings. We don’t ever comprehend each other unless we’re under the thoughts of basic and common beliefs. If we aren’t, it becomes so hard, nearly impossible to intertwine feelings and be understood. No matter how much explaining need be done, no matter how much time and thought we put into explaining our feelings to others, your mind can think one thing and explain it so as another person can know, but not understand how you feel whatsoever. Its so hard to fathom what goes on day to day and that's what's making it so much harder to live.