It has come to a point where it is nothing
But a cycle


Day 26

Smoke cigarettes
   Try [so hard] not to feel a thing
   Try not to dwell on those regrets
   Try not to remember anything
   Our inside jokes, even the green ones, and silly bets
   I thought, maybe it meant something
   But I guess this is as good as it gets
   I ended up with nothing
Nothing but cigarettes

(repeat the next day and the day after that)

I wake up with the same feeling over and over again
Each and every time, that thought...
That excruciating fact...
I realized once more-- that you were gone

You know all the things that I want
The little quirks that I do
The words that I need to hear
Even every nook and cranny of my entire being

How can you leave like that
When all I did was to let you in?
How can you be unsure
When all I did was to give you the world?

How can you give me so much to remember when all you ever gave me was pain?

Forgive Me
If I was too much
Forgive Me
If I was too weak
Forgive Me
If I cared
Forgive Me
If I was scared
Forgive Me
If I made a mistake
Forgive Me
If I wasn't enough
Forgive Me
If I wasn't her
Forgive Me
If I held on for too long
Forgive Me
If I loved you when you never loved me

I'm writing this poem
In the hopes of finding peace
So that when I get to the end of this piece
I won't be thinking of you anymore

I won't be missing you
I won't be dreaming of you
I won't be crying because of you
I won't be dying

'Cause this pain is too much
'Cause this pain is unbearable
'Cause this pain...
is all that's left

I thought love meant
       Butterflies in your stomach
       Your heart skipping heartbeats
       Or a faster rate for that matter
       Being mesmerized by your significant other
       Watching movies together      
       Late night conversations
       Stealing kisses every now and then
       Staring at them and get caught looking
       Cuddling and holding each other's hands
       Enjoying the moment even when the future is scary

But love came out to be different from all of that
      
Love is letting all of those go
       When I thought it meant everything to him
       When all of it meant nothing at all
       When I thought I was his everything or even "something"

But no
       I am nothing
       What we had was nothing
       What I thought we felt
       Turns out to be what I felt
       I
       No "We"
       No "Us"

None

There's nothing I can do to change your mind,
To make you stay
To make you believe in us
To make you forget the past

I can't do anything to make you love me
I can't do anything
I can't do
I can't...

You were sleeping, hugging yourself
It was cold
I walked away

I came back
You weren't cold anymore
You were sleeping, what a beautiful sight

Para akong tanga na kumakapit sa natitirang "baka"
Para akong tanga na tumitingin sa nakaraan
Nagtataka, naghahanap ng sagot, ano nga ba ako sa 'yo?
Naniwala sa mga sinabi mo, ako si tanga

Sinabi ko na nga ba sa sarili ko noon
Silang mga minahal mo, pinapakita mo talaga sa iba
Noong ako na, bakit ganon?
Ni isang tweet, post, picture- wala

Binigay ko naman lahat
Buhat noong naging sigurado ako sa 'yo, sa atin
Ngunit nagkamali pala ako
Na naman, heto ako, sugatan

I am slowly moving forward
I thought I'll be stuck here
I said I would stay here
At this point where I still hope
I still yearn for you,
I still wish you would come back
But you didn't

I guess it's time to wake up
From this crazy nightmare
I thought was a beautiful dream
You lied to me
And you will never be able to imagine
The pain I am going through
Dear someone, goodbye

Every part of me is aching for your touch
I miss you so much