I'm going to erase your smile
Like it never even happened
Only god will know
And neither of us know god.

I'm going to fill the void
With sins and bad decisions
Only god will care
But neither of us know god.

She would drown him in her own tears
Fighting for the light
That came at the end of a tunnel
Too long to walk alone

He held her hand just long enough
For the trust to be built
And when he felt her stumbling
He'd only hold on tighter.

One day the tunnel was particularly dark
And she particularly blind
He said I've had enough
And headed to the other side.

He'd been drowning far too long
It was time to take a breath
He tried not to care
If she got lost

Gone was her umbrella
Her protector

And she gasped for air as her tears began to drown her
She searched frantically for the arm she'd held so tight
Only to find her own feet beneath her
And a journey half finished

With each step she found her strength
She began to trust her own legs
Her tears began to clear
She could breathe again

And we step into our reality
The way mothers dive into age
With caution, regret, and resistance.

We tried so hard to stay afloat
Dodging the bullets that came spinning at our heads.

We tried to ignore the battle scars
That traced down the backs of our spine.

That final month I couldn't walk
I had nothing but open wounds.

I tried so hard to talk them out
You tried so hard to listen.

But words didn't come, instead there were daggers
I dragged you down one last time.

Now my name means nothing
For I left nothing but open wounds.

We're both bleeding.
But now we bleed alone.

The nice thing about hitting rock bottom is
That at least you have some ground under your feet
Cause to me, falling gets you no where but down.
At least here you can run.

I wrote a song about you dear,
I filled it with your Novocain
To ease my pain.
And fill the gaps
You had left

And the words,
As haunting as your own
Scattered out on pages torn
Neatly from my collection
Of us.

I sing it to myself
In the quiet of the night
A lantern for a light
I whisper the words
Alone.

I find you in hidden places
Woven inside me
Like the stitches of a quilt
I am not whole without your memory
Incomplete with what you left
I have built myself around your absence
But you remain.

I hope you miss me
The way I miss you

But I also hope you don't
Because I am miserable
And you deserve more

I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.

Can we pretend that the world
Isn't crashing down on us?
Cause I miss the simple days
Playing the children's games.

Can we pretend that the sky
Isn't spinning around our heads?
Cause I'm getting dizzy
Just thinking of what you said.

Feels like I'm
Losing you

Feels like I'm
Losing the only thing I knew

The world we shared
It's falling in

Oh no
My dear
Where did the love go?

He said he finds it odd,
That such pretty eyes could shed
So many tears.

I told him I find it strange,
That he found these stained eyes
Pretty.

They left a bible for our viewing pleasure
To tame our souls
As if fables can cure the twisted minds
That lurk beneath our skulls.

They left a bible for our burning pleasure
And we watched the flames eat the pages
Smiling as they screamed "you are ******!"
We didn't listen.

The lonely spaces between his fingertips
Invite her
The whirling of his blue eyes
Intrigue her
The mountains of his lips
Demand her
The softness of his touch
Devours her

Six whole months
And I'm still broken
The scars you have left
Stain my heart
You have left me
Terrified of
Human connection
Was this pain
Worth it?

It's not that I don't want to see you,
I do.

It's just that seeing you would mean getting out of my bed
And that requires me to get out of my head.

And no, it's not that I don't care,
I do.

It's just that caring would mean getting out of my head
And that requires me to get out of my bed.

She's one of those charming tortured souls,
The ones with shadows in their eyes.

She drinks her liquor straight,
And she dances on her toes.

She'll flinch at the sound of a door,
But she smiles in dangers face.

She's a pretty little fool,
A sad little liar.

Railroad tracks all down her wrists
Some raised so high she still trips a little
When she sees them.

Ghosts of past bruises haunt her skin
Some so raw she still flinches a little
When she thinks about them.

And the people stare as she shudders
She's faces the coldness of her past
With the brightness of the future.

And the bruises have faded
And the railroad tracks will
And she will smile.

It starts like a sliver
A small fragment of someone else's being
Slips into my skin
Sticking within the shallow foundation
A surface connection
Skin deep until left untreated
Allowed to seep
Building roots into my blood
Before long the wound has grown
Oozing and hot to the touch
It starts to invade
Inching its way to my core
My heart, my lungs
Now stained with its name
I breathe shallow breaths of clean air
Trying to cleanse my soul
I will heal
But scars remain.
A forced change my soul accepted.

I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive

The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.

Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
With memories and dreams
And your soul is heavy
With self doubt and destruction.
Your hangs heavy
With thoughts of disgust
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

But hey

You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Please, Do not repave them.
Remember all the nights like these?
Your lonely tears will wash away.
And while I cannot promise you that tomorrow
Will be better
But it will be new.
Every path we make
Will diverge into unknown territory
And I promise
You will smile
Again

I could paint a thousand pictures
But they still would not equate
To the meaning behind your words.

Sometimes the trees sing our song
Whispering through the budding branches
They mourn our loss
And then they bloom.

Lets pretend we never met
That I never saw you cry
Or punch the wall as I shook and screamed
Lets pretend you are just now
Discovering the marks on my skin
That you never saw them happen
I sometimes wish you didn't know me
So well
You often say what I'm feeling
Before I even think it
I'm afraid we will curl into the comfort
Of familiarity
And once again
Wither and die together.
So treat me like a stranger
I want to be new
With you.

I'm not sweet but I'm covered in sugar
Lemon drop lies iced with ivory thighs
Milky skin and honey hair
Fools are made of love and lust

Midnight rolls in like a shadow,
Sweet and dark

My eyes are wide,
Thoughts are loud

Sometimes I forget I enjoy sleep
I stay up to hear the night songs

They remind me of
Your warmth

I play your voice over the sound
Of crickets chirping

It is a melody
I cannot forget

She will give him everything she has
Until she has nothing left to give
And then he will hate her.

Not because she has nothing left to give
But because she will start to take.

She will take his energy
His love
His sanity.

She will take his peace
His patience
And his clarity

And sooner or later
He will become just as empty as her
Just as broken
Just as vulnerable

And through his hate
He will start to give

Today I saw my ******
He was with his family
A little girl rode on his shoulders
I watched him laugh with them
As my insides boiled
And I collapsed
Amongst a crowded atrium.

I've seen him in passing before
But never like this
Never before had he looked more human
Than monster

Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Time swirling in and out of my peripheral vision
Taunting me in my bed
The heaviness just feels so full
And the light is fleeting
Over grown thoughts pressed into my skull
I don't know how to grow anymore.

They say tomorrow is full.
But today was empty.
They say that the future will be solid
But the present is hollow

Promises become tomorrow
Disappointment becomes today.
Happiness becomes the future
Loneliness fills the present

Forgive me when I say,
I can't take another today.

Time is just a theory
To explain how life goes by
Forever is just a word
Just another human lie

We're spending our lives waiting,
Wandering and lost.
Not knowing where we're going
Afraid of consequence and cost

But what's to fear?
When we're already there

We're trapped in an allusion
Trying to control
But our paths are ever out of reach
The prediction is untold.

So tell me, whats to fear?
When we're already there.

Fair skin, dark eyes
Straight hair, crooked smile
Honest  face, wicked lies.

Dear God
Please give me the simplicity of four little letters
Carved like a love song onto my wrists
Can you see me trying and falling?
How many times can you break
Into skin so sunken that even
My own mother doesn't know
Where it breaks and
Where it bends

Good God I am here
Begging to a being
I cant convince myself to believe in
Like hopeful letters
The words fall flat
I am not who I am.

I see the world around me
Progressing like the plague
I see the people smiling
Like its all okay.

I'm trying for tomorrow
But drowning in today
Caught by the undercurrent
Of yesterday.

Spin me like a broken record
Hear the same notes, scratch, repeat
Does it thrill you to know my rythm?
Does it please you to know my pattern?