I saw forever in your eyes. . .


                Then you closed them.

I have a love for hatred

Since you clipped my wings

I wasn't trying to get away

But now I want to leave

If there's no trust -

How is there love?

How can you judge my dreams?

All I wanted was to be loved by you

Now only hatred is left for me

Love bears all things
- or does it?
I don't know how much more I can take
- but I love him.
I'm scared and weak
- I don't know where I stand.
Back to the beginning
- all over again.
Tired of being reassured
- I don't want reassurance.
I want to reverse our love's senescence
- Its death won't procure my compliance.

They say there's strength in numbers    

But I just want the voices in my head

                                . . .

                     TO GO AWAY

Will you love me when I'm 80
When I walk and talk real slow?
Will you love my wrinkles
If I let them show?
Will you hold me every night
And kiss me in the morning light?
And when I see my last sunrise
Will you hold me when I die?

Tori sang it so well. . .

I'm a Fire On The Side

He comes to me for pleasure

But sleeps next to her every night

I don't know when I started caring

Nor if I even should

But one thing I do know now

Is that I wouldn't leave him if I could

I love the feel of his arms around me

I love waking with his skin against mine

How long before we're alone again?

What can I do to pass the time?

It's evil to be this, this *****, this *****

It's wrong to think he'd feel anything more

I'm just his Fire On The Side, burning his soul

But she has his heart, I, just this gaping hole.

saw something i can't erase from my memory
yet it's physically deleted from yours.
now there is no proof of your infidelity
besides my word.
you make excuses and tell me to keep quiet
not to start something over nothing.
what is nothing to you
is a lot of something to me.
you care more about the feelings of another
than you do about mine.
you lie to others about our relationship
you act as if you don't love me
as if you will leave me
but the second i say i will leave you
you are crying, with more excuses.
this is an all too familiar road for me
and i refuse to go down it again.
so many tears and excuses now
i could drown in them.
you still fight to keep toxic things
in your life.
you still fight to keep me content
by your side.
what your reasons are
i will never understand.
you never really loved me
you don't know what love is.
i will find a way to expose you both.
the last laugh will be mine.

I can't stay away from you
I want you
I can't live without you
I need you
I can't wake up without you
I want you
I can't get out of bed without you
I need you
I can't function at all without you
I want you
I can't go to sleep without you
I need you

I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!!
I WISH I COULD PUSH YOU AWAY!!!
I WISH I COULD BE WITHOUT YOU!!!
but yelling at you does no good because there you are, in my little tin, waiting for me to open it again:
******.

you aren't special
every year around this time he chooses a toy
you aren't special
he's a man with the mentality of a little boy
you aren't special
he WILL lose interest in you
you aren't special
i know all your secrets too ;-)
you aren't special
you're the side chick, I'M the WIFE
you aren't special
he may be with you a few days, a few nights
he's with me for the REST of his LIFE

I guess I'm ready for this
Signed the papers with my tears
Didn't think it would hurt
After all these years

Friends now, like we never were
But erasing your name from mine
Even though I'm with someone else
I still think "what if we turned back time?"

You tell me you miss me
But you didn't want me when I was there
The saying is true, "you don't know what you got till it's gone"
Yet back then you couldn't bring yourself to care

Our house just wasn't a home
You were there but I was all alone
You worked all day, then with her all night
You never even answered your phone

Now I'm loved and adored
He holds me every night
Kisses me on my forehead
Tells me everything is all right

As soon as the paperwork is through
I'm marrying him after divorcing you
Love was a game I never thought I'd win-
But I did, and my prize is him.

Shallow words you spoke to me
When you said I love you
Empty promises you gave
When will you ever be true?

I always thought my life would be
So perfect by your side
But this life isn't what I want
So I'm leaving you tonight.

Every heartbeat
Like a second hand
Moving closer
To the end
Sorry doesn't cut it that's for sure

How sad it is
When tables turn
I figured it out
But you'll never learn
Both of us so insecure

Alone in love so many years
And now you want to relieve my fears
I don't think
I need you here
Anymore more more
This is my goodbye lullaby
It's the end now of our story
We fought and lost babe
There's no glory
Like Romeo and Juliet
No one wins, no safe bets
This is my goodbye lullaby

If I find a portal to fairy land
I might try to love you all over again
But only if the mushrooms say it's safe
And if the door's opened to wonderland
Where I fit in, hope you'd understand
If I stayed there forever cuz I'm insane

Don't try to touch me now
It's over, love's bleeding out
Withered lump in my chest -
I can feel it die

I don't know
What comes next
Hollowed heart
Bated breath
Staring my demons down- with a sigh

Some days I feel the pain more than others.

Some days I can't cope at all.

But I'm getting better at pretending.

Waving
             My
                   Phone
                          Frantically
                              In
                      The
                Air
                      To
                            Get
             Service

The perfect man does not exist -
No matter what they say.
Because every man
Has the tendency to walk away.

Where were you when I started crying every day at 2?

Where were you when life contemplating was the only thing I could do?

Where were you when the pain of every thing that has ever hurt me hit me all at once?

Where were you when I found the razor blade and started cutting again for fun?

Where were you when I cut too deep and the world slowly faded to black?

You aren't here, you never are, so who knows whose fate is that.

Number 8 on the list.
8. The parties marriage is Irretrievably Broken

Those words cut so deep in my chest I gasped aloud reading them.
I haven't loved you in like, FOREVER!
So why this? Why now? I don't want to feel this, this pain, this despair, this regret.

You deserved to lose me.
You cheated and lied,
Broke my heart a million times.
And now that it's on its way to being really over, I am almost sorry we didn't try harder, love more, hate less.

MySpace and Facebook, italiansinglesmeet, xdating...
I could go on...
But it only angers me.
Because at the end of all of it, after everything you did, all the horrible things, after 4 years of no communication...
You finally realized what I told you right before I left you was true:
You will Never find someone who will love you the way I did, and someday you will realize I was the best thing for you. And by the time you realize it, I will be unattainable.
I'm the one that got away.
And that feels **** good.
Irretrievably broken.
Yeah. Your fault. Your loss.
See ya.

I only wanted some
peace and serenity

With this gun to my head
I think I've found it

From the barrel to my brain
It takes away the pain

I'm scared to die but
Now there's no way around it

When I heard about it I was hurt, saddened, mortified.
I couldn't believe someone I remembered to be so full of life had died.
I remember playing D&D; for hours at a time.
I remember our characters always doing something out of line.
I remember your brother (as our DM) playing a little frog to help us get back on track.
I remember stealing only pens and that same little frog eraser at walmart, just to have security stop us outside and ask me for the nail polish back.
I remember our photo shoot, and the picture of us standing back to back.
And the one that looked like you were staring at my shirt, we all had a big laugh about that.
I remember when you and I became close, and were together almost everyday.
I remember how reckless we were, but wasn't that always our way?
I remember karaoke nights, going clubbing, parties at Casey's, and trips to Niagara Falls.
I remember through everything what a good friend you were to me, I remember that most of all.
I love you and miss you Jon.
I will always remember you.

Can't live without him
              
               more

    than I can't with him

I fell inside this hole and it's too deep
I've climbed so long but it's too steep
I reached the top and now I'm alone
To get to you,
I've gotta fall back in the hole

If I drag you out
Will you run away
If I stand you up
I don't expect you to stay

But if I save you before I save myself
I'll resent you and still be on that shelf
In my dress
          In my rouge
                    In my heels
And glassy eyes
Cuz I don't know how to feel

I hide behind the mask cuz it's easy
I say I love you and you believe me
I stare blankly at the world
That's how they stare at me
No one understands
I'm not who I'm supposed to be

My time has come and gone
I can't forgive the wrongs
I know I tried too hard. . .
Just wanted to sing my songs

Forget them food stamps Jim-Bob
We nabbed ourselves a deer!

I can't take this game you play
I feel I'm caving in
My poor heart has had enough
I knew I couldn't win

Look at all the mess you made
Don't you think it's time
To clean up after yourself
I'm so sick from all your lies

Look at me falling now
Cuz you let go of me
Yet without you with me here
I have no gravity

I have no soul

I have been cored harshly like apples ready to be sauced

The only things in my life I willed to keep were stolen away

Too afraid to do it myself could Kevorkian help me out?

Oddly, after all the talking I've done, I've no fight left

Just tears of self-pity

Two innocent lives will relive the cycle of my life

Due to the meddling of a horrible girl

Too obsessed with her own gain to realize their loss

If there were a God, He would strike her dead

If I were God...

Those things are better left unsaid.

This aching need, this want.
It's torturing me with its taunts.
It lies in wait in a little tin in my purse.
I can't stay away, for that would be worse.
I tried, I swear, I knew you were counting on me.
I failed, as I have for half my life, and I'm sorry.
It heals me, it keeps me awake, it numbs the pain, I'm immune to heartache.
I can't cry, don't you see?
Without it I'm a mess of tears and emotion. I'm just trying to survive without creating an ocean.
I've explored the depths of insanity before.
All it takes is a little hit to bring me back to shore.
Is that so bad?

Innocence lost
Attention found
Everyone turns the other cheek
Just because she fell when no one was around
Doesn't mean she don't cry herself to sleep

(Oh little star
You could shine so bright
But there's always something out there
Trying to dim your light
You have to choose what's true, what's honest and what's right
Let go of all your strife
And take a chance--
I know you're better than that)

A tired soul already, yet so young
Stop being a fool and respect yourself enough
Let your voice be heard
High above the earth
Little star, show them what you're worth

With a little perseverance you will overcome
The hardships of your teen years-I remember them too
The self loathing and self hatred
They are things that follow you

Sometimes what you say in one day
Can haunt you all your life
you have to have respect for yourself
Someday you'll be a woman, a mother and wife
Would you want your daughter to be like you?
Do you want her to do the things you do?

Oh little star
Are you looking for the sun?
Are you trying to find someone to love you so?
You don't let them see how much you hurt inside
If you speak from your heart and not your mind-maybe they'd understand
Maybe they wouldn't be so blind

Do you remember our first kiss? I do.
Watching the time tick down in your
Daddy's car. At exactly midnight you
leaned over and made your move. Do you still think about it? . . . Cuz I do.

Walkin away from you was the hardest
thing I ever did.
Having to go on lonely knowing you'd get over it. Do you remember the few times when you spoke my name so tenderly? I know its hard for you to remember me. I hate you but I, love you- I do.

I whisper-walk behind the wall
Drown myself in bleak mans falls
I left Home to make my life better
I only got an Emotional Winter
Gray clouds above me
Run away with the snow
My heart is dried out and no tears left to cry
I would die if you left me alone to fall
But you won't leave me alone at all
A kindred spirit, a kind soul
That's what I thought before
Now I'm not so sure. . .

I'm losing myself again, wondering where I went. Wondering who I am without HIM. He takes my money, gives me sanity, dulls my emotions, lets me deal with "life". This is the end, as the tears won't cease, going away for 30 days, not ready for this, but what choice do I have.
Rehab.

Stumbling over emotions I thought I'd never feel
Not knowing which way I'm going
Or if it's even real
Heart beat so fast like a hi hat
Slinking through the dark like a black cat
I should've known better but I couldn't help it
I wanted you

Billowing dark clouds rolling in
Tears streaming down like rain on my skin
Didn't wanna ever have to feel again
Heart slowing down like depression
I don't think I'll ever learn my lesson
I'd give it all up just to keep
one more night with you fast asleep
I need you

I can't tell you what I want to say
You'd only think I'd get in your way
And it wouldn't be long before I'm me again, crazy, crying over nothing
Jealous, fighting, sneaking and lying, always blaming you for something but...
I think I love you

I'm not perfect
I never said I was
And this pedestal you put me on
Makes me feel not good enough
I'm afraid of heights
I know I'm going to fall
When you find out what I really am
We're going to lose it all

These broken wings
These torn up things
A crown of lies atop my head
My horns poking through
So sad but so true
I wish I was dead

I'm no good for you
She's coming out to play
Satan's *****
Animate once more
Here to ruin the day

Come down from the tops of the trees they said.  
Sit amongst the broken twigs and the dead leaves they said.  
Twist your frame into that mold they said.  
Out pops another cookie cutter Christian.
A hollow vessel.
So I can't be me, but like you instead.

I'll attach my soul to yours whether you want it or not
We'll be soulmates in this life and beyond
My love is such a bitter seed
It festers and spoils itself into a toxic ****
If you could want me an eighth as much as I want you I'll be content
The time of sunshine and rainbows
Came and went

Happiness is for winners
I'm just a ***** sinner
A hopeless dream
Undone at the seams
But I'll stitch you to my blackened heart
I'll always be unclean
You know you love the way I scream
And babe we'll be forever
Our tie can't ever be severed
No not even death could cut us apart

It's cold inside my soul
Empty hollow mess
It rained in my head
And snowed inside my chest

But my heart still beats
An icy drum
As your fingers linger idly
On my aching skin
I want you
so bad it hurts
You say you love me
The lie seeps in

Destruction and decay
All that's left for me to give
Daring you to stay
Hoping that you live

There were so many before you
I hope that you'll be my last
They all ran from my crazy
But they kept coming back

There's just something about me
That makes them all wanna stay and leave
I'll make you feel real good but then I'll make you feel real bad
Here's a warning
When I beg you not to go
You'd better not listen to me

I'm the harlot in that story
You know the good book don't tell lies
I am what it says that I am
And I've lived so many lives
Jezebel they call me
A murderess, a *****
I'll destroy you from the inside
And I'll leave you sore
I'll take everything you've got to give
And then I'll take some more

Been fighting all day
Keep calling me names
You promised it'd get better
But everything's still the same
Yeah, I got your *****
Done keeping my cool
Go tell your friends,
I ain't playing no more,
and it's Queen ***** to you

Now there ain't no reason
For me to stay
It don't matter how much you wanna fight
I'm still leaving today

You ain't sorry, no
I'm done with your games
I'm not your baby no more
Walking out the door
I knew you'd never change

Goodbye's too good for you
I don't wanna say it
You don't need to hear it
What's through is through
It ain't gonna change the fact that I'm gone
It ain't gonna make you see that you're wrong
It ain't gonna take back everything that you put me through
Oh baby goodbye's too **** good for you