So many things in my Head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead
And that one is already dying
You can live and not be alive
You can jump from the sky's and feel nothing
Or go for a simple drive and be more alive than you have ever been
It's not your situation its the people who are around
When you go through the motions together you really feel it all
and when you are apart its like a you start to fall
crawling through this wreckage looking for your valuables but it is the people who are crawling too that are valuable
if she wants to be dead and you don't want her to  
Tell her she is precious because maybe that will be the first time she's heard it
Maybe it will be the last

She wanted men to finally look at her with hungry eyes instead of disgusted expressions.

More animal than human
I guess they're happy now
They look ridiculous
At least they're enjoying themselves

And in that moment she realized just how truly insignificant she was. "No one cares." Another thought she couldn't control bounced around her brain waves as she tried to find air but reality would never let her come up so forever she will be dragged down.

I swim through a room with a dizzy glow
Where my feet are taking me i have no clue
I know what is about to happen but at the same time i cannot predict the future
My energy is off
My body is sick
My mind is a robot whos settings are stuck on sad
I try to get past these lunatics
Because their time goes
Click... click... click...
I am...bombarded with only 3 other bodies
Friends i do not know
A mosh pit filled 9 feet high with their words now known as snow
To that closet i will go
...And i will wait
Click... click... click...
There are two lower holes
I hold the door in place
My ears hear a sound
My heart raises its pace
POP
a balloon is set off
And the drunk people off of soft drinks sober up
Why am i the only responsible alcoholic here
Perhaps its because my beverages are clear
And clearly these mud drinkers didn't know that the kid named nooses head was about to blow
I grip the door because i can feel the thick hot blood on my hands
Its even thicker than the beaches sand
Horror stories and popcorn do not prepare you for an experience with death
I do not move because i know that he is dead
My body is limp
I am deaf
My eyes have no meaning
But i try to take a step
They (the donut eaters and hot coffee drinkers) have collected the glitter that was once his head
His pretty mind was broken
Before he went he at least wanted it to look its best
I step out from my new home named cold closet and see these boys playing with eyeballs
"Angaurd" they smile as the red that belongs in our veins hurtles towards the ground
They do not see what i see
Suicide is what some would call it
But no... to them its a playground.

I think that possibly maybe I'm falling for you
Sad part you don't even have a clue
It's me I hollar but you're stuck in your own head
Me I yell but there is no one at the door
Look I say but you're up in your attic
I run searching for you in the halls of your mind and you are searching for something that you'll never find
Turn around I say but my words are whispers carried through the wind
The noise unable to reach you
It's like I don't exist and for a second I stop and look around its my memories playing a trick on me because you really were never there in this attic we both share
but we don't and its my attic that I need to clean out I've got bones under my bed and bats in my head
I forget what I'm doing in this basement walking around the empty spaces
...
Wasn't I in the attic?

I am a young woman with a body below average in a world full of super models and good looking people. I don’t know why I can’t just accept the fact that im unattractive and move on… try to live a happy life. I obsess over every little space… every crevice.. every centimeter. Anything that is me i cannot enjoy. My mind is an ugly gutter filled to the brim with words like knives that dig in. I would never speak the things i think out loud. Never would i ever say something so nasty to someone i care for… not even someone I hate because i know this constant stream of lyrics i sing to myself could be enough to push anyone over the ledge. Brush it off at first. It didn’t really hurt. But every day filled with self inflicted pain.. mean mind games. It can ****. Why have guns when our mouths are perfectly capable. Shiny uglies and crippling kisses goodbye don’t count as ******… it was just a game to play alone. How many calories can i not eat? Im so ******* unhappy.

We didn't break and we did not bend.
We swayed like toothpicks between teeth.
Sitting.
Silently smiling with cigarettes hanging from our bitter lips.
Smoking up the thing as if we were women who couldn't get enough lipstick.
But life bumped me and i smeared that ****.
See i wanted wintry hands and an almost nonexistent waist.
In order for that to happen my mind had to break.
I bent over backwards trying to get toa new body. I did cartwheels over calories and colored in a watery blue on all the pictures of food. I fade farther into myself the older i get and monsters ****** my imagination. There's a grave labeled "skeleton girl" that we're racing to. I Thought if skinny means dying then so be it. My mind already offed it's self when it analyzed my thoughts.

I'm afraid of everything
So I'm barely living
Holding back so I don't get hurt
The worst part is not knowing what will happen next
I'm a freak out of control
So they call me control freak
Be ready for what's around the corner but I don't see through walls
So I'm armed with layers for anything
And little things freak me out
I'm psyched to be the leader
Cause I'm a ******
And I'll have a perfect path
I mean plan for us all...

We haven't talked in months... you won't let me break up with you. Did you know you're driving me crazy? You carved "insane" into my lips. Now everything I say comes out like like a ****** getting excited about a pretty girl walking home.
I twitch and twist.
I cannot get enough rest.
If I am not sleeping I think id rather be dead. I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Well... not like i did yesterday. This pain is a dull throb always reminding me. Did you know I get excited about starvation? It makes me feel in control. I wanted to talk about it... You don't have time for me but you simply won't let me go. LEAVE
ME  
    THE
            ****
                     A
                         L
                           O
                             N
                                E
please for I beg... keep away
im a mess that you ******* ****** on.
im ruined but you seem to have caused more destruction.
the butterflies have morphed into lions. Ripping me to shreds from the inside out.

Let me love again
SoMEoooOne not yOOOoou <uuU!
let me paint again
you see... you've limited me to only shades of blue
I miss the grass.
I miss the grey of rain
Most of all i miss being OkAy

Don't you know? I'm sooooo not into you.

The light in her eyes twinkles like teapots and chiped  china
She is chiped china
She comes from a little town where bad things sometimes happen
Like double rainbows draining and dripping down to meet the land
Trickling hearts and minds into reality
You see... that's never where she wanted to be
So she made a casket called home
That's where the broken dolls go so they can rest in peace
Broken down dolly faces
Pouty lips now in different places
crevices and deep spaces
Spiderwebs in the glass that was once whole
Glass Crums licked up by demon babies with tongues ten feet long
Her tears are snow globes
Moisture containing storms of emotion
Like a dresser drawer filled with ocean
...Yes
Her eyes were once stars and shined with curiosity
But it burnt out long ago
Now her seeing tunnels are stained glossy
The world she cannot unsee

There's something beautiful about the rain. The sound it makes as it hits hard surfaces. The way it slides down the windows. The smell of the earth... clean. The darkness of a grey sky. It calms me down. It makes me feel alright.

DRAFT:

He is like a fire
A beautiful ******* burn
He makes my skin hurt
His words are like swords that sting
Everything that ever will be is happening
H... I... M...
he makes me want to scream
I love the way he says hello and goodbye
Also all the words in between
My body is overflowing
Overwhelmed with emotion
And the bad went overhead
Im over ******* heating
I don't want to go to bed
Let's talk all night instead

You see they say falling is easy
But what's easier is never having two legs to stand upon
Right about now i wish i had a knee to kneel on
the floor is known for wobbling
The Webbed ceiling likes cracking jokes
And we like to laugh until our cheeks split open revealing a diamond peice
Because your words are like jewelry
My ears cant hear your clinking teeth
But ive known your voice my whole life
It makes my body  weak
My bones are hollow
Im lost in a sea of wings
They flap around the water bottle i call my mind
Swimming is hard so you give me a ride
Isn't it ridiculous how much you can find peace in a simple sound
A vibration we encourage with our mouths
"Connection" sound it out

Nooses are nice when they're around your neck
Doctor our patient is dead
She choked on a load of pens
Words written around  her throat
Ink clawing at jaws telling teeth to let go
Click yout tongue against your cheek
Let the black bomb flow freely
A fantastic explosion of emotions would **** them all
So we dont say anything at all
No words
Not even ones that are small
Skin dips as nails dig in
I didn't lie when i said i scratch at my neck...
Flesh under fingernails looks pretty
So i dig harder
My teeth gritting
Why doctor
Another girl lost
She was caught up in her spiderweb she called thoughts
She sees herself dying and asks what's wrong
Why couldn't i be a normal one
So she puts that song on
The one that calms her down
Looks at her feet in an attempt to avoid the now
In the bath
Choking
...she drowns
Alone her already dim light is put out

When you eat yourself fat it makes you lose your appetite
so you get a job and it makes you think too much
So then you "forget" to eat
My life changed forever the first time I skipped dinner
Now my stomach isn't growling
It's cheering me on
Come on girl this is a sign that you are strong
Do you want hip bones or food?
I want to hear people behind say "look how skinny she is"
Because all I hear is skinny
Forget the skittles and lollipops
We want to feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top
I wake up and my head is light like a feather
I want to be picked up bride style
And it's embarrassing when you're too heavy
Think light thoughts
Like the wind and sun rays fluttering around the world
Leaves slowly falling from trees
We want Photoshop in real life
People ask "have you been eating?"
That's a sign its working
One day I won't have to **** in
Hollow is good
Less space to take up

I'm fine
Words to hide behind
Little details in ones face you do not recognize
Oh dear are you really okay
But we don't feel like sharing the whole story
So good will do
When you're feeling blue
And believe you have no value
In this web of lies
I can't find myself
Around the corner
On the shelf
I'm really up in my room
Now thinking is all I do
But I can't share my thoughts with you

1

Walking when the sky is at its darkest and the moon is reflecting everything i saw in you off of shiney objects makes me want to live in an ocean where giant luna pearls sleep for eternity. There is goodness within shadows... and there are shadows within you.  I think I need a new dictionary. I can't say the things im thinking. They are so small and insignificant compared to your beauty. Your thoughts are... something so precious. I'd like to see snowflakes melt on your lashes and dance down your cheeks. Im trying to understand what it all means. i want to sit so still and silent i can hear my own heartbeat and really I don't think i ever will.. because I'll always breathe and you can't be a statue when you're blinking. You ears can't focus when your breath is taken away. Steal my lungs and I will never learn. I'd very much like to trace the veins that twist and turn creating art along your arms.  Give your cuts butterfly kisses although i know it doesnt make things better. While you torture a fallen angel i cant help but think.. "Why him?" If i fall asleep id still not be able to reach my dreams. They're untouchable like the stone i keep behind the cage we call ribs. I hope you never see this...

Goner

There is this man 
his name is mia
he throws dirt
he spits words that hurt

Im on my knees 
words get louder
these tears are hard to keep

Im a goner 
im a goner 

Ties tilted up towards the earth 
tops turn down to a sky full of flames 
trees swing with a silent so still
the stillness sends chills to children 

im a goner
im a goner 

tables flip within your mind
words throw knives 
dishes wash themselves 
clouds are made of cotton 

im a goner 
im a goner 

shoes shine with thick mud
thick blood stains my pale legs 
Put me on the phone 
my mouth shut i say hello 

im a goner 
im a goner 






im a goner...

She wasn't simple
And she didn't love easy
But
When she did
You were stuck on her
Like
Beautiful confusion
Because being figured out meant you knew yourself
And she had been lost
And may forever be

I remember who I was before it happened
I smelled like cherry
My skin was always clean
I hope I have what it takes to find her
She was light
The kind that fills your chest
She is like happy tears
So full and good
I Miss her louder when my silence is at its most quiet
I hope she finds me too

He had a hole in his had
That thing that is dead
Grandad use to wake him up by pinching his toes
But no one knows that he is a demon
Waiting for you to fall asleep
And close your eyes
That beautiful creature in the night
Cut out his eyes
Sliced off his nose
His lips were already gone
He could talk to grandad no more
He lives in the scary
But he can see clearly in the dark
He blows out the candles to make himself feel better
Hell cut off your toes and make himself some clothes
That's what happens when there's a blanket over your head
He killed your dad and now he's dead
Where's mom
Eek
He's behind
Her shadow
He's getting her now too
And there's blood poring from her shoes
You are barely breathing and your color is draining
Outside its raining to wash away the blood
In the morning there'll be bags and bodies and a crowd
But right now
Shows over and your feet are mangled over the bed they dangle
Now he can see them from a better angle

I tried to clean up the mess I call my head so I could understand what we were doing
I couldn't move my arms or tongue
I kicked a little but my legs were weak
What did you put into my drink
You said you loved me but after you were done you let your friends take turns
And this night turned into my reason for therapy
My vision was blurry and it hurt so ******* much
I just wanted you to make them stop
But you held up your phone and watched
Now that bus is wrapped in my flames and your body torn apart
Don't mess with a witch
If you don't have a death wish

Hey man who has the ability to make art
could you please tell me what you think you can never be 
The first time I feel like I'm not going anywhere 
is where Id like to be 
but im always exhausted and moving 
to the ocean and its king
fish forever 
fish forever 
gills soak up tears much better

I was just wondering what the salt tastes like
when its not up against the sand
anything on the land is bland
id like to go down deep into the dark
not having the pressure **** me
What life must be like for fish in the sea

wettest body does not have to read 
lifeguard doesn't care for me
i am a merqueen who tastes like mercury 
dont fish fry me
dont air dry me
leave me be...

Someone said this to me. Sent it. It is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me so i thought id share.

I get really jealous when you wear showy clothes because I want to protect you, as my own. I want to hold your hair in my hands and just rub my face against it. Your face provokes a strong need to poke cheeks because yours are so kissable.
My dear,  how adorable you really are...it's a shame I won't get to do any more touching then a hug...

I kiss your lips pushing all emotions off of mine and on to yours
Eyes closed I pull back for a cold breath
Breathing is ******* this night in winter but not from the snowflakes
And instead of snow it might rain
In a moment
Was it because we dared to dream
We both are going away
How long will talking last
A day is an eternity
So I'm chained to this poll we are leaning on one last time
Till i need to be gone
Maybe I'll brake the rules
Stay by this poll till midnight
Perhaps morning
Or just until it starts pouring
If we stayed outside all night
Maybe the clouds would be kind

I hope for more
But i know there will only ever be less
Inside out im a mess
Emotions stuffed too deep like my fat finger down my throat
Im vomiting sadness because I crave starvation
It makes the circles under my eyes look like grey moons
I was always told that the moon was a beautiful thing
Like hip bones
And something about the darkness makes me want to sing
Ill scream about the days i couldn't stand myself
You see... you aren't heard in the night
So we tell our secrets to nothingness in hopes we can accept
But black holes don't make exceptions
still... i hope for more.

I like you - this is not a contest

I'll be the Sally to your Jack
All the things that run through your crazy head
I guess I love you a lot more than I originally planned
You're a criminal with the perfect crime
You stole my heart and consume my mind
I think I've known it from the start
The moment we met
I just knew
I like you
I like you
I like you
But do you like me too
Do I see the glass as half full and you half empty
If I were to say something would it be a painful memory
I don't want to lose your friendship
Cause I'd be losing a piece of me
I like you
I like you
Am I enough
Why is admitting to it so tough
Trying to live without my happiness would be rough
Like the torn up notebook I wrote your name on as many times as I could
Be mine just say that you would
I like you
The way a girlfriend should
The way you comb your hair
Your mischievous smile
Bright eyes and ears that stick out a tad too much
The way you eat your lunch
Maybe it's the vibes you're sending my way
Let's be together and get old and gray
Now I know I don't stand a chance but I'm going to like you anyway

there's this mask
Slap a smile on like it's lip stick
Say everything is grand
I like the way the waves meet the sand
Too quickly and then it pulls back
Like me in relationships
Like my mouth has a dance 
Says things in steps and likes holding hands 
My tongue misses beats and im back on the beach with my head in the **** of the sea
Smoke up bubbles and pretend im pretty 
Good thing ***** can't breathe 
They'd smell my ugly and abandon me
Shells i wear even in the heat
Goodnight moon
Forever asleep 
My secrets are padded which makes me comfy

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines

maybe it just wasn’t perfect timing
But who said we had to be perfect to love infinitely?
I’ll tell you I love you infinity if you would just...
Let me.

I wanted to tell him that I’m sorry
Because victims live in a loop of uncertainty and I don’t blame others for emotions that are all my own

I wanted to tel him he’s all I ever wanted
That I can wait an eternity if I have to because to me this was all we ever were
Two souls destined for eachother

I choose you every time
I’ll never stop choosing you

You’ve really got to **** me
Send me into oblivion or
Nothingness
before I let you no longer know me

No matter what happens I love you
With my whole heart

You told me soulmates are a thing of the past
That thing I keep running from
It seems to keep catching you


je te libérerais si je le pouvais
(I’d break you free if I could)

I feel so out of place I do not fit in
In this hole I could never win maybe everyone else gets the joke always out never in
evey time I step outside I feel the need to hide
why?
We are all uglies wandering this world apart but together
don't you feel this weather in your head?
Storms of emotion
Control them and you have passed
Conquer them and you have found the key to being human
living with feeling is strictly forbidden but I was always a rebel

Bite off the tip of your tongue
Let blood bleed out from your mouth
Red words come out
Self destruction
Just for one good poem
Writing is therapeutic
But I do it so much I need thereapy
People look at me
Everything I say is a song
But not a good one
I've got bags under my seeing tunnels
If I continue I'll be in trouble
Words arranged
Then rearranged
The perfect part will capture your heart
Then tear it apart

Im ready for you...
I always have been

Don't worry
I know the system is wrong
The whole **** system is wrong

But

I know what we are
I know what we're not

I won't let my irises bleed and the falling collect on my pillow

I wont let it turn to dust and waft around my room

I won't let my loneliness keep me company every night

I will not breathe the air that you exhaled into my life

I'll let you touch with no feeling because you made yourself clear

So tonight when you call me i will listen but not pay attention because when you hand somone your happiness and they leave

They take your happiness too

Kiddie pool adventures and...

Adults
Adults in red lab coats
They make jokes
Saying they want your eyes cause they look like eggs
Adults like yolks
They talk funny too
They call themselves folks
What I would give to be an adult
I could drive to see some people
Picture day and more
No more boring girl galore
But before I grow up I want kiddie pool adventures and dances in the mirror
Kitchen clean up from pancake disasters 
I want to run faster
You start slow 
Speed up and slow down
I want to fall down 
Get lost on a bus somewhere
Make mistakes
Fall in love 
More than once
Sit in silence
Have my own rock concerts
I want to live and become an adult
Then I'll live some more

Everyone is beautiful to someone but i wanted to be beautiful to him

Little girls in my opinion aren't little

Im little but im too big to be little 
I have to deal with big girl bites but i can't have my binkie 
Little girl 
Little girl 
Let me touch you
Be little but have a big mind too

My mouth must be innocent 
My thoughts clean
But i have to deal with dark things 

Sleep in a princess bed you make yourself 
Too short to reach on the shelf 
But im a big girl so i have to get it myslef

I fell off the latter 
"Well why didn't you ask for help?"




Im a big girl but im too little too...

This is what I wrote. I feel like this and the collab gave off two different vibes and i liked them both so it says the same thing but this one is just me. I wanted to show whoever takes the time to read my garbage.

A shift in mood... my mind chases it's self in circles
Little wolf trying to catch its tail
What am i but a toy
A puppet pulled by strings
A soldier with puppy dog eyes not marching Gracefully
A ******* catastrophe
A ****** ******* mess
A brilliant battle moved
Now look and See my scar
Im happy then im not
my Mind Can't take much More
Im elated but depressed
A hyena filled with stress
I want to be alive and burried with the dead
A deaf canon firing when i please
When i want to stand i end up on my knees
I laugh at serious times
Like when the doctor is counting my dimes
Best to pay in tens for my therapy at nine
Bipolar disorder
I need to get my life in order...