skinny fingers... skinnier frame

She hides behind t shirts too big
ribs

cause she wants to be an extra small 
Health business 

food huddled in pockets waiting to be eaten 
napkins folded 

Hunger pangs are an addiction 
stuck

Hidden in her room where there is no food
binge and purge 



Fragile 

Tiny

Dainty 

Little 

Light 

BONES


Words­ describe why food has no home 
in the trash all alone 

because you can never be too small 
phones 

mother doesn't know and we wont give her that call

YOU...
PASS...
OUT....

Hungry makes my stomach talk
not enough energy to walk

my vision is blurred 
black around the curves 

My...
HEAD...
HURTS...

i will make it stop 





goodnight

I'm so lonely i could drown...

So many things in my head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead and that one is already dying
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying
Why are they always crying
Stop scaring me with these threats of death
I look to my left
And see blue girl
Heart no longer pumping the red that is in our veins
Hers are drained
This isn't what it seems
Not a dream
A nightmare maybe
Did I do that to blue girl or did she do it to herself
I go back to my shelf and sit
I'll remain here unmoving
Until someone picks me up
So young
so bright
Now you're lost to the night
Where demons eat you up and fight over the pieces of you
The pain unbearable
But you don't feel it
You feel nothing
Guess you got your wish
Black eyes with a grin is what I see
Close my eyes count to three
Now they're next to me
Inside
The devil hides
I am taken over
Goodbye
Hello it's the new me

I fall deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is love
It's a trick
Now I guess you could say I believe in magic
What is love?
Is it three words and some voices singing sad lyrics to cigarettes and bottomless coffee cups?
Is it an itch im never able to scratch?
My fingertips brush against the spot but... you see my arms weren't long enough
Not ten feet long and such
Is it not for girls with low self-esteem and kinks?
Just for those sappy happy go lucky lunatics who believe reality is not a war.
The earth they walk upon a fairytale and not a battle ground.
So am i the coocoo bird with a death wish or they?
Maybe it is everyone else who is crazy...
But! I am the girl who wanted to die when i was granted life!
So that must mean i am insane
Gifts given and tossed away!
Stop!
Please i beg do not give to me!
I don't want health or anything else
I just want to lie in the ocean i have cried
the waves hold me just below the Surface.
I never did deserve air... now did I?

Erase those sad eyes and draw new ones or baby you can't come
Forget the past and move on
Break it down
Act like it didn't happen
Those embarrassing days and fun ones
They werent real
Really?
Now I don't think I can remember
What you said to me
And I don't remember what I wore yesterday just that I wore it
And if you were wondering how I'm doing well I'd say I'm doing just fine but we all know that's a lie
On this earth we all pretend to be something were not
We pretend to be good
we act like we're enough but is anyone ever just enough?
I'm sorry if my questions are annoying you but hold on
I've got many more.
Why are we keeping score?
You are not better than me and I am not better than you
stop feeling blue
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying?
Why are they always crying
Beautiful people we are
no matter how big the scar
So stop scaring Me with these threats of death
stop slicing open your skin your
life is about to begin
get ready to be in love and love you haven't done
not yet
And that's what I don't get
Why do you care what they say when they don't love you and they aren't in love with you
Don't be just yourself
strive to be the best you that you can be
Reach for what you want
take who you want to be with
and if they don't want to be with you then maybe it's not meant to be...

Oxygen therapy is what helps my insanity
In 1. 2. 3.
Out 4. 5. 6.
We need it to survive so it's my guide to living
Loving and giving
Plant a tree so someone elso can have a little oxygen therapy
What if we lived forever like my little oxygen friend
We breathe out in
Then do it again
Oxygen doesn't die
It gets renewed
Imagine living life
giving life
and doing it again

My pillow has a mouth.
When i lay my head down it whispers its daydreams to me all night.
My mind plays visions of my pillows imagination.
You see... my pillow falls into a book and brings it to life.
Its teeth like soaring kites.
Blowing words into my ears.
Winding winds down so that in the morning it can say
"the end."

(Might add to this.)

My eyes are dryin up again. You play with my hair and I'm in heaven. Little girls shouldn't be drinking but I want to feel alive. Anyway It's just for tonight.

The happiness runs in your bloodstream. Your hair in my hands, gives off a gleam. I wanted to help you feel alive your whole life, but it seems I've only been given a single night.

I'm hyped up to a song I don't know. My body's blue cause I'm getting cold. Getting high off your vibes. Maybe I'll give you two nights...

The ambience dissapears, I felt different. My mind and body became belligerent. I was lost in ecstasy from your touch. I was lost on what caused this rush.

Vision blurry and my words are slurry. I don't know if I should drive home. But my parents are waiting for their good girl. I think i need another happy pill. Or maybe just the touch of you. Hands on my thighs send shivers down my spine.

The good girl in your vanished that night. I'd dream of waking up to your smile at first light. My wandering hands could place on a million thighs. But it is yours that it lingers afraid to caress.

Muscles aching for your finger tips. Eyes closed I search for your lips. Legs and arms wrapped up in ecstasy. You and me are at the world's best feeding frenzy.
You're right. The good girl is gone.

I was afraid of loving and being loved
I believed love meant consumption because I always let it consume me
I wrapped myself too tightly
around them
To be as close as humanly possible…
to ensure that it was love
Losing yourself in another
It was poetic and disgusting
I believe love was being everything
It was fear
It was a high
But that is addiction
Should love not be addictive?
Not transactional
I wanted to earn it
Now I am afraid I’m not enough
I always was
More so now that I know what love is not

I like the feeling of lips on skin
Smeared lipstick
We look silly with my red all over our cheeks
But we don't care about those little things
A big thing is happening
My legs wrapped around your waist
Take off the bra that's lace
Place your hands where you know I like
My eyes roll up into the sky
Lips I bite
Yours and mine
I like the way you roll your hips
And thrusts so good should not exist
hold my hands and whisper things
I've got prints on my thighs
They're a redish white
Don't worry
I like that you hold them tight
We don't need wine to feel this good
I took one look and I was hooked
Eyelashes fluttering
You are sputtering
As you spank me
"God... Yes.."
I mumble into the kiss
One more ****** before you bust
And I go nuts

The seeing eyes would never lie if they had a mouth to tell
Painful memories should burn in hell
Yeah daddy stitched it up real well
To hide His secret activities
The things he did to me...
We do not speak of the infidelity

Meeting minds for the first time in a long time can make a soul crazy
Poisonous Ballerina!
Yes that's what she wanted to be
The world wouldn't be able to recover without you and me
The little word "us" is not something to be taken lightly
The planet where her feet once lay
I'd set it on fire to watch it burn and inhale the ashes
Yes let it decay
I'd spit a mouthful of thick black lashes in god's face without you....
With... out
Its not something i can comprehend
God would surely rip me to shreds
I'd say simply "you took my love away first!"
Of course the rips will hurt... but not as much as a broken heart
She was made of glass
A doll
She tiptoed on the back of dimes
Trying to fall into a different dimension
She wanted to be dead before the rise of the sun
So we begged "please moon.. do not close your eyes"
Smother her in waterfalls and puddles
She always loved to play in the rain...

My face is ******
Because I've been picking at it 
don't worry I've felt worse pain
and if I had to I'd pick it off again it'd be no big deal
I'm sure it soon will heal
While I'm sitting in this room
And wearing this silly costume
I smear my blood all over the tile floors and on the door
Miss Monah
Took me from 
My insanity safe House
So I make a mess
And tear up this dress to make her feel a little more stressed
I told the woman Monah with one eye that I didn't need a babysitter
I asked her to reconsider 
Maybe we can just play
But she is stuck not in control
She said it's nothing personal
That some man with toys has sent her 
She told me he wants a playdate
So to put me out of my misery she's going to have to **** me
"Toyman knows where girlys go"
She said with a crooked smile all while holding that axe
Her ****** mouth curved up a little more and she screamed
"You didn't check on the child!" right before the blow found it's target a man opened the door could it be
Is that the toyman I see
Will he stop miss Monah from killing me

the demons creep closer to the bed
Each night one more inch
We... I see children with black eyes
They want me to let them in
So into my room i go to hide under the covers as if that would give me any more protection
Like I said before safety in fabric is a real thing
And if I can't see you then I'll assume you can't see me hiding under my sheets
Why can't angels gone bad leave me alone
And I don't want to go home
Because when I'm in my dark room its so loud I can't hear myself blink anymore

She likes cupcakes for dessert...
Hers were lips that have touched coke and *****
Limbs un-outstretched because she never did like the way they played hard to get
See if they kept it up she'd be a no one's girl but wasn't that better than being that guys girl
She was odd
I think that made her perfect
Because she was absolute and complete
Absolutely completely something i believe to be mysterious
She was a believer in space
And didn't need to define gravity because it wasn't ever keeping her down
She walked above it on grass greener than the other side
And although her milky lips were frosted them she would never lick
Easy people couldn't bite her because she kept close her finger tips

I don't feel something
this feeling i feel is nothing
But with nothingness comes hope
that the world will come to a stop
freeze with icy waters
stand quiet 
and unafraid 
a snow global to skate upon 
everything in motion 
motionless 
action against us 
let out the hold stills 
and stop to stares
Ill sit and stare in a room that isn't there
Because i...am...here
Unmoving untouched
If the world stops..... luck
My body is hollow
My fears hard to swallow

There something about feeling my heart race
Not at its usual pace
Rocks or stones
Whatever is thrown
Bruised and bleeding
My knees are giving
But it doesn't hurt as much as being ignored
I'll just be a little sore
The group laughs and I laugh too
They are sick
And I am stuck because they ask me to a party and beat me with sticks
How could I refuse?
Insides are outside
But Its blood not sugar
Syrup dripping down like the tears I shed when I was lonely
This planet is big enough for friends
And that's what I'll call them
At least they speak to me...
Boring girl galore
I'm a little alive now
But when I head to town I hear the whisper carried through the wind
And then the window broke
And deep down in this group I know I'm still all alone
I've drowned in my own blood but I act like I'm drinking water
Pretend and it'll get better
All red and washed up you are
Those friends don't want you
Find some more
And party with the sticks again
The end.

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines
Points Dig into skin
Words stab like knifes knitting words on my wrists
Drrrraaaggggggg
This poem will always and forever be saved as a draft
Because for some reason I cannot get exactly what I want to say on paper
So many letters unwrit
Lists are lost or never sent
Writers block! It doesn't make any sense
Our minds are creative water bottles that we swim through
Beavers in our head block colorful thoughts.

How shall he **** himself?
Tie a rope around his neck and hang himself up like a coat on a hook
Or soak in a bath of red...I think I've read that in a book
Take a load of pills and shove them down his throat like the words he never said and the sobs we never heard
Stand in the middle of the road at night and wait for a car to come but there's a chance they wouldn't hit him and There's a chance he'd end up numb
Take a gun to his head and blow his beautiful brains all over this world
But he wants to go peacefully like maybe he was just sleeping
Endlessly he's thinking of a way to stop his days
And now he knows what he really wants
To jump from way up high and in his last moments he will be flying
And then it really hits him that he is actually dying...

i am a tea cup

I am a tea cup 
Round with a handle 
i am a handful 
tea too hot 
i live in a hotel 
the room a river 
things come and go
but i always stay 

i... am.... grey.
a tea cup who is rain 
and wind and leaves
leaves blow past you soaked in tea
technically... im not a tea cup 
but pretending is okay 

My plate is ugly 
im not clean 
people don't lift their pinky when they hold me

the message is seen
black all over me
inside of me 
T... E.... A...

it makes me shake violently 
im violet can't they see
My face isn't a face
but an opening 
my body not a body 
but a handle 

carry me
an ocean full of tea
Leaves from a tree
lined up delicately 

Wooden tea cups
A collection for the 
take me
drink me
break me
but do not set me free

I like dead things like flowers
For some reason they make me feel like I belong
Like good lyrics in a song
And every single
Flower that has died to me is still alive
The way they droop
Like my shoulders
Get lower
Closer to the ground
So they can see life upside down
We're always looking up or forward
Everyone is running
While I walk slowly back
There's nothing really wrong with the past
And the ground has inspiring things
Like shoes
And holes
Curbs too
Signs painted to help you make turns
I like to stay awake at night and stare at the ground
I might have insomnia
But that's alright
I like feeling the world when everyone is locked in their beds
The dark is not taking me as prisoner tonight
When I go to bed
I let the sun take me instead

I love you more than children love candy stores
I love you the way pig men love ******
I love you more than coffee house maids love cigarettes
I love you more than addicts love their cold sweats
Loving you more than lovers have loved each other
I love you more than babies love butterfly kisses and white milk bottles
I love you the way being lost feels so satisfying
Because you know there's no where to go but up
I love that you love me
saying the word love makes me feel free
I love you more than I love the rain
Id live for hot days if you'd do it with me
Love isn't enough
I adore you my dear
Can't you see...
I love so much more than i could explain

She carried herself across the tops of houses riding on clouds and when we pretend to sleep we make no sounds.
We hold our breath and let our chests rise and fall to the click-snap of opening doors and whispered fights.
The night was thirsty and more than happy to swallow your secrets.
We bump pillows while our lids flutter. open and closed.
We cloaked our ears trying to unhear words shimmy and shake against eachother.
Brilliant shouts shake the house and Shhhhhh is unnecessary when you're not where you should be
no longer in dreamless sleep
Lips lock and bad memories we keep
Cause they're ******* talkin about me
My heart goes da da da dummmmp
Skip trip jump
Cler........
..
...
..Plump
Stop. Waaaaiiiit... Um.
Did they hear me? No.
Da dump daaaaaadummmmm da dump
Too young for chest pains and migranes
That **** is for listening to all your kids talk at once
But i plan to have none
The darkness wraps it's fingers around my already broken neck
It makes a noose out of shadows and hangs me up for all the dead to see
it puts on my eye patches
Envades my mind cause I had the shakes bad today
Another blackout takes me but im afraid im already in too deep

We walked beside each other silently again. We stopped and he let the back of his cool hand brush my face from my temple to my jaw. Electricity flowed through our connecting skin making the breaths we both took shallow and deep all in one moment. We swayed against eachother and played connect four with our finger tips. Our expressions were mixtures of uncertainty, excitement, and devilish thoughts came to the surface. We revealed what is most precious to eachother.

The sun is a dancer and I'm the stage

I'd forgotten how good it feels to let the sun kiss my skin
Butterfly rays fluttering around me
My entire body
Being dead isn't so bad now that I feel good
Twinkling eyes are mine because its so bright
I'm in love with the warmth of the substance around me
It feels like water and sand mixed up into grass
I'm buried in the land by the beaches
Married to the heat energy
I can see it now dancing across my glass body
Since I'm no longer real I'd like to believe I'm a doll
And the dirt is my playhouse
Everyone said it was gonna be cold like the snow where we made angels but I'm not so sure angels are supposed to be frozen
I'd like to say goodnight because I could fall asleep in the comfort of the sun but I guess I'll say good morning instead

I fell in love with the moon but i do know that without the sun the moon would be as invisible as i feel.

We had candy hearts and you were walking poetry
we spoke the language of eyes I see humans but no Humanity
Rainbows are gray to black and white in between
shoes are on the other foot but fitting it can't be
TV for sir television and televisions show images but the images are figmants of a mad mans imagination
His name is God
That's what we call him at least
we're his ****** up creation
I am backround not backbone
Actors are cast in my own dreams to play me because i was not perfect enough to play myself
Now children... When i say the language of eyes i mean instead of lips we met minds because of our thoughts curiosity
Our tongues did not lock but instead they flow freely
"The man" wanted us stuck not in control so he gave us color protectors but i like using crayons cause they're messy

I'm not a big fan of what if
But you were
You liked not knowing what was coming next
Taking risks was what kept you going
Running left instead of right
Using red instead of white
I can no longer hold it in I just have to know why
Who are you
What is it about different that draws you in
I'm so bland that I'm different you said
Maybe that's why you took my breath
Right outta my lungs and into your own
Breathing in the thick black feathers within me and turning it into fluff
"You're not dark. You just like the moonlight instead."
I always keep that in my Head
Now your gone and im left with something I'll never forget

It was as simple as "I'm sad."

I let this ink bleed from my veins... 
I mean something with every word that i say
you do not get the meaning
Thats okay
Its not for you but me
Letter therapy
Move your pencil
Print something deep
The birds peck until there's nothing more to keep....

When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed
Nothing much is going through your head
Except maybe the end of August
Cause that month was the worst you've ever gotten the shakes
Shackles on fire clung to your wrists
Watch as they burn your skin
The shackles were made of feathers from the pillow you tore up in your sleep
You were having a bad dream
An idea really
Your bones have gotten thinner
Your face feels so far away
But the people disagree
And they say what you're feeling is cold on a warm day
Soon it will go away
But I've had the shakes for too long
Like months with a never ending song
It's too late now I'm gonna go to sleep
Tonight my bed looks so much more comfy
Like a booth in a corner at the comedy club
When I wake up...
If I wake up
It'll be early
Always too early
And on the wrong side of the bed
Because when I sleep I bend over and backwards
Trying to get to the other side
Which ever one is right