a taste upon the tongue
of unlikely understanding
as the rage boils through and through
until it cannot be suppressed

drowning deep in standing water
we lose our feet to sink below
into a seeping whole of nothingness
buried beyond the depths of our chest

uncanny to the news of reality
shedding layers of our skin
while replacing madness with sadness
and we dare not protest

but a moment in time is all it takes
to determine what the taste shall be
holding on to pride and hateful creed
yet letting go of all the rest

Today marks one year since you've been gone. And as much as I try to put into poetry just exactly how I feel, none of the words come out as they should. I cannot find an easy flow.. maybe it's because this day just isn't easy. I haven't slept all night. I have so much to tell you. So much has happened this past year and I wish I could tell you all about it. Did you know that a poem I wrote for you after you passed was chosen to be published? Makes me so very proud.. even more so that I was once your friend.

A year ago today was one of the saddest days of my life. I got the call, and had to sit down before I could even react. I was in total shock. And my hands.. they were shaking. I had to hang up the phone and call someone else just confirm the truth. Work was absolute torture because you died in the same hospital I worked in.. I knew the processes your beautiful body went through and it haunted me for weeks.

As a community, we were all in a stand still shock. When you died, you left alot of is in the same state, one of which we still stand in today. How could the kindest, most caring and selfless man be taken from us so swiftly, and soon? With no answers. With no avail. With no warning. Just gone, in the blink of an eye. I had always prayed you did not suffer, even though you knew you were dying (which broke my heart even more).

Where ever you reside today my friend, I pray your soul has found the most peaceful resting place, and that you are able to visit your family and children often. And I hope you truly know just how many lives you have touched.. from all ages, colors, and backgrounds. 27 is too soon to die, but you were a man that gave himself totally to life, and I will always admire you for that.

Eric Benford, I love you always and I will miss you forever. Keep laughing, keep smiling, and even in spirit, keep living.

I love you friend.

Love,
Stephanie

my mind is constantly going
going and going and going
worried about the day head
and still trapped in yesterday
i'm always dreaming about the future
but hardly do I sleep
even though i walk this earth in a visibly awoken state
subconsciously unknowingly
my sanity is weak
trust a higher power is what they say
but even that we cannot see or touch
who's to say god is real anyway?

walk with me

let me show what it is i speak
because to explain in spoken word is something not of my expertise
so i will paint you a picture in poetry
place yourself in cloth sneakers
standing in the middle of the rain
arms open wide head tilted back
and when the lightening strikes
you'll feel a wave of pain
you see the storm will let up, and you'll see a slight break in the clouds
but you'll never fully see the sun
that's what my life is like now

and in all this going and going and going
i must rest my weary head
while nightmares make the best of bad weather
planting the damnest of seed as slight as a feather

fear
worry
fright
anger
sadness
happiness
delight
sickne­ss
wellness
day
night
grief
loathing
pity
spite
jealousy
hatefuln­ess
weakness
fight
acceptance
willingness
wrong
right

if there's anything you haven't felt
at some moment you will feel
for the mind is a tricky being that may fascinate you into your very own doom
because in your waking life
you won't know what is and isn't real

walk with me

i think about life
i think about death
i think about time i've wasted
i think about time i have left
i think about my future
i think about my past
i think about my happiness
i think how long it may last
i think about god
i think about faith
i think about my love
i think how long will he stay
i think about who i am
i think of who i am to be
i think of my imprisonment
i think of being free
i think of my thoughts
i think of my fears
i think of leaving this place
i think as if i'm still here

who's to say i've succumb to my mind
i am well aware that what i search for
may be something i'll never find

peace

does it truly exist?
or is it a place in our imagination?
a place of harmonic endeavors
a place where our souls may finally
seek self proclamation
a place we may finally rest our hearts
in full adoration and acclamation

what's that you say?
peace?

walk with me

because here i lay drowning
beneath the dead sea
rain pouring tears from my soul
strained from ideas that won't grow
waiting for a sun that don't show
always pushed beneath my feet
the soil puts us all in a state of creed
seeking refuge in a God on our knees
walking the darkness i do alone
i dare not place upon a clean mind
the filth of the devil's home
trapped in broken promises
and lost within the finest line
dividing good from bad; yours and mine
and even after the prayers
and the song and praise
and the pastor's word on freedom
despite his sinful ways
the last of forgiveness lasts for days

and even though an angel came
to mend my broken heart
by planting a new seed

i can't breathe

we're coming up on one year
since you've been gone
and as i look at all the changes that have happened in this life of mine since you departed
it seems as if one year has been far too long
i could really use a hug from you today
you know, one of your specialty embraces you so easily and wholeheartedly gave away
i could really stand to see the smile on your face
that same smile that could stop the devil in his pace
your energy
your will
it's all still here
even though you died in the flesh
your spirit remains in the clear
and i have the honor of knowing a spirit of such
one of unimaginable happiness
with the most caring of touch

thank you for the years you were here
and for still watching down over all of us

we still miss you.

the genie said make a wish
actually he said i could make three
and as i carefully placed my thoughts
i figured i would combine my dreams
yet how can i limit myself to the top three things of which i wish but do not need?

so, carefully, i shall whisper a grain of sand
into the ear of magic that is he
to grant me the wish of life itself
by the planting of a seed
because as you know the seed will grow
and from the roots there'll stand a tree
branching out providing life for years to come;

as this wish isn't just for me

foolish one, what have you done?
that does not equal three
but i have the gift of life and health
for everyone else
what more will i ever need?

but it happened
and as i lay listening to your breaths
your words flow in my hear
i don't hear
with each ****** of mistaken passion
i look up at the stars on a night so cold
you said it was bound to occur
and so i stare into the mirror afterwards
not knowing who she is anymore
the lines in her face are obscured
clothing myself in guilt
inside i have already been crying
she's looking back at me
and i'll be ******

she is smiling

...and when your insides hurt so
beyond the realm of what you know
is it then that you grasp on for dear light

...or do you let go?

To walk among the living
cursed to be the dead
I understand the fear inside
because I bathe in dread
and to sleep a peaceful night
with fate dancing on my head
leaves a taste of rotting premonitions
upon my tongue instead

*Beware of your surroundings
wash the evil off your hands
We are no longer safe from Satan
he has kissed the promised land
And when war ceased to erase
the common fault of man
There will be an entire wave of famine
birthed from the smallest grain of sand

by day i am not myself
by night i cannot sleep
subconsciously i am terrified
and know that i am weak
you just keep on smiling
and i'll just keep on living
don't ask me how i'm doing
and i won't ask you how you're feeling
should i stay involved?
or should i step aside?
your heart is my prized possession
your love is my life
the thought of you going first
sickens me to the core
tears flood the center of my world
as the pain bludgeons me to the floor
of all the hard times we've faced
of all the struggles we had endured
i just knew our ending would be different
i was so god ****** sure

so here we sit day by day
as we take it one moment at a time
just know until the end i am always yours
and you are always mine

light a candle in the wind
if you dare to take chance
and waltz on the moon
for our very last dance
my prince of the sunrise
my lovely dark knight
you shine brighter than heaven
oh, love what a sight!
your breath on my neck
is a passion of gold
your grasp on my heart
reaches down to my soul
our lives remain questioned
our future is blind
so enclose the tips of your fingers
so deeply in mine
when I look into your eyes
i know i am home
when you speak tongues of life
i know i'm never alone

i'll lay down my life
as your lips kiss my brow
the fire you create
please don't put it out now
this is not a replacement
nor a humble goodbye
but rather preparation
for the difficult times
though we shall not bear witness
to the back of our minds
let us just keep on dancing
until our bodies decline

for even in death,
your heart will always be mine.

your brown skin touches mine
and my cheeks burn
your lips press against my cheek
and my heart skips a beat or two
you tell me you love me
and the butterflies fill my gut with glitter
and rainbows
and sunshine
and soon I don't even remember what pain feels like anymore

you hold me for a spell
and I become engulfed in you completely

not wanting to be anywhere else
in the world

my strength lies beneath the skin
it's inside my bones
it's the sway of my hips
it's the smile in my *******
and it roots from my soul

I am woman, you know

the doctors tell me I'll never be
the nurses tell me I've never been
they say I'll never hear my baby cry
and then God says, "guess again"

I am woman, you know

the pain is a most definite promise
and as I grit my teeth I know
the promise is always unsure
and yet here I stand defeating odds
being what you told me
I could never ever be
who says there isn't any cure?

After all,
I am woman, you know

twenty seven
twenty seven
born right in the rain
twenty seven
twenty seven
the day has come again

Be it the soul to be pure as white
and the kiss of a dove doth kisseth me twice
I shall rest my head upon your skin
and thy slain heart before you shall lie
My prince, is that he?
Did the Heavens reign an angelic rejoicing
of re-hydrating rains
just to strike life back into the dead of me?
Shall he be thine King as I am to be thy Queen?

As the wind sifts strands of hair across my face unsmiling
I chase the waves of smoke from my cigarette as I see my life unwinding
And every single hurt and pain I have ever known has hit me with truth so blinding
I've been sitting here while working so hard in hopes of one day finding
that motivation in my soul that keeps becoming lost behind me
You can say you mean the best and that I will find out soon enough in timing
But tell me since you know so much how can I stop the pain from binding
sticking to my being and causing so much sickness inside me
And when my true self can finally come out from hiding

If she ever can.

All my life
All my life
All I have ever wanted
was to make you proud of me
All my life I have fought so hard
so hard
to get you to be proud
and here I sit in tears
because instead of telling me how much I've done
I only hear about how much I've ****** up over the years
But you don't see my pain
you only see someone lazy
and unmotivated
loving the wrong man
losing more than I gain
not finding my way
and all the while you sheltered me so I couldn't grow
I'm now a late bloomer
lost in this ****** economy
waiting for a break
waiting for my show
I move at a snail's pace
but I've busted my ***, you know

The things you say to get under my skin
they don't just hurt inside
they hurt my confidence
they hurt my being
they damage my pride
And if this is just a trickling down of your own misery
and though you say you
only want what's best for me
I can honestly see now why I hide

So instead of breaking me down
how about you bring me up?
How about you give me a congrats
a nice pat on the back
not drive me into the ground

Because every ******* thing I have ever done in my **** of a life
I have done to make you proud

you are leaving us now
God is calling you Home
and as we wait selfishly and angrily
unknowingly saying
...refusing to say goodbye to you
we hold back our tears
we can't let you see us cry
because deep down we know
you want to stay here too
the fight you have given
over the course of time
has inspired the heart of the world
and has reconstructed mine
watching you go through hell
and keeping your mind
staying with a smile
even as you decline
and with every treatment
and with every transfusion
you proved to us over and over again
the power of God isn't just
an illusion
for you have beat the odds
time and time again
you have kicked the crap out of the devil
right til the very end
I cannot say goodbye
because that's a message
I cannot send
For in these last few years
you have become far more than a patient
you have become a friend
I will remember your laugh
and how you joked through all the pain
I will remember how much you hated
using that blasted walker and cane

The memories are worth a visit
and soon it will be the only way to find you
but just know,
even if we cannot be there in physicality
in spirit we are always right beside you

walking away doesn't make me a coward in fact it makes me one strong *** *****. and let me tell you what i know about love, it ain't nothing my mama didn't warn me about and here i am ****** up over loving someone just as ****** up as myself. ****. How did i get here? Crying over a situation i walked willingly into.. Crying cause i give my ***** to nothing but heartbreakers and then wonder why my insides are always aching for love, when in reality that's all it ever was (that ache). Even so, i usually give him the benefit of the doubt and feed the cheese to the mouse (did i really just say that?). Aladdin will show me a whole new world and not even really know me, and yet i ask you, my best friend, what our future is and you can't show me.. Life. Life. A sentence i can't seem to handle since its just falling apart.. i can't even get ahead by showing a little heart.. and every struggle and every trial and tribulation and unfair situation while trying to find myself some salvation for the love of something upstairs CAN YOU HEAR ME? While you say YOU SHOULD FEAR ME and i do so i bow down to worship Him (You) and then when my eyes open i am still standing at the same edge of sanity within. **** i saw myself in the mirror fifteen minutes ago and the reflection sealed my fate; maybe i'll just stand here, watch myself deteriorate back into a recognizable state.. back into the ***** that was the center of everyone's hate.. back into the ***** that ran the show and always showed up late. Ha. Yeah. Life. **** it. It's a date.

I became a lost soul
and you had already been lost
in the midst of darkness
we found each other

in the midst of our words
our ******* words, you know
they have power
so much power

and as the days went on
the nights got longer
our weakness turned to love
our love became stronger

I gave in
to what I said I wouldn't
I tried to hold back
sadly I couldn't

and here I sit
missing something that
...never was
and hoping
for something that
....never could be

because I love you
and i miss you
and becoming engaged
in floetry
wasn't only for me
like you had presented
it to be

...ha.
not such a fool I am,
you see?

I love myself enough
to know I have an addiction
to things that give me life
to feelings that are
different

oh the ache
oh the pain
you devoured my soul
into your wretched world
and I felt safe
...I felt safe

bleeding these words
on a screen
licking my wounds
until the sin
is washed clean

you cannot hear my screams
you'll never see my tears
though it is killing me slowly
to walk away so lonely

but I have a heart
...a heart to shield
to keep it beating
I must rule the day

you truly are such
a gentleman
a lovely beaut
wrapped in a lie
soaked in a cheat

and u can't even see
your own deceit

i looked back
and saw every word
you have spoken to me

written
to
someone
else

not telling
any lies
it's a ****** up world
anyway

and the wall goes
right back up

wrapping my heart
back in suit and armour

no entry
no longer allowed.

i am nothing but a broken hearted
scarred and scorned woman
lacking the love and attention
that i had so long searched for
though it seems i may have found
a sudden break in the clouds
i'm terrified of what's inside
for even the sun hides sometimes

so when the floods come
and the fire burns out
and i've caused enough disappointment
and there is no tomorrow
and there is no good feeling
and there are no smiles
when the flood of my tears
destroys all you built to keep us afloat
...when it all fails

i may as well take a knife to my throat