You know the girl who always says shes fine,
Even though no one really asks.
Whos at your side, after you have left hers.
The one who wont, cant, even gently step on your heart,
When you are shattering hers.
Shes not okay.
She hasnt been, for a long, long time.

hi
its me
in a few weeks, or months, or years,
I hope you wont recognize me.
I hope when you look back,
You'll think, "Wow,
Id have to swim across every ocean to get back to where I was."
I hope youll have watered your wilting dreams,
Giving life to what you should know you deserve.
I hope you will know that even if your heart hurts,
Its only temporary like the pitter patter of raindrops.
I hope that when you feel like no one understands,
You remember that your feelings are still as real as a rainbow.
I hope that every time a wave grasps you under,
You reach for the light just like a sunflower.
I hope you can leap across those unsteady cliffs,  
And finally see what hides beneath the ledge.
I hope that when the sun makes its way under the horizon,
And you let your eyes fall closed,
You're just you.

Its scary
As time passes
I wonder
Am I wasting my time?
Am I wasting my life?
It terrifies me that I might never be able to do those things
That maybe in the future I wont be bringing justice to the world
Even if not those, what if I end up doing nothing
What if I end up becoming nothing?

Twisting throughout me
Is
The Color of my Soul

Dull yet shimmering
Rough yet soft
Dark yet bright

It hides what no one will ever see
My darkest secrets and pains
And my brightest memories and joys

The color of my soul
Is meant to be mixed with
The color of your Soul

And meant to become not the Color of my Soul
But the Color of our Souls

I thought no one could take away the lonely...
That it followed you like your shadow,
When the sun is up.
That it aged like time,
Endlessly.
Looks like I was right...

Reality is not Hiding

It is being hidden
By liars

It is being covered
By demons

It is being shielded from us
By cowards

It does not hide
It fights everyday to be seen

....like me

my eyes glaze over
ice burns my soul
another countless night passes
out here on this road

if you loved me
whyd you leave me

if i loved you
whyd i let you

whyd you save me
only to leave me

Meet me at midnight
Flowers in hand
Moon casting shadows
On the ground where we stand
Two lonely humans
Holding on by a strand
Torn but not broken
Holding my hand

The love you never had
The pain you always carried
The trust you never showed
The guilt you were consumed by
The joy you were seeking
The anger you held inside

The rest of them could never see
But I did
Because I was once like you

The danger of
A voice
Soft as heaven
But a figure
Dark as hell

Just there.
Not sitting.
Not standing.
Not laying down.
So then what?
Nothing.
Dust.
Brushed away.
No.
That’s not what does the harm.
Without a thought.
That is the root of the pain.
Once brushed away, gone forever.
No one will remember.
No one will care.
Nothing.
Dust.

I want to heal you
But I cannot feel your pain
Please open the door
Ive seen your eyes rain
You feel so hopeless
Yet a smile you feign
Crying cant help you
Let me be your drain
Call out for help
Before you walk down the wrong lane
I refuse to watch you
End your pain

I wish I could be
Anonymous to the world
Like I am here

These walls heard
me when no
one else could.

They gave my
words a home,
kept them safe.

Cheered, cried, listened.
Changed my life
for the better.

It wasn't enough.
But they heard
every last word.

We always think
Those who are alone
Deserve to be lonely
Yet everyday we witness
Sins above all
Everyday we witness
The world we have built
From the outcast
Trying to fit in
To the stray
Keeping their distance
We always think
They are the ones falling behind
But think again
Are they?

There comes a time where one will win
The others left to pay for sins
They did not do
They did nothing

How could you pick me up
And put me together
Using your own hands
Without a single doubt

Only to push me back down
And break me apart
Using your own feet
Without a second glance

I shouldve known
After all,
Nothing good lasts forever

Sitting.
No one notices.
Standing.
No one cares.
One step back.
Two steps back.
A glance or two.
On the edge.
Sorries.
Two hands.
Desperate words.
One hand.
Crying.
Nothing.
Screams.
Not in her head, but in reality.

Hidden behind walls
Wearing a mask
Lurking in the shadows
Is
Me

I am her
That girl
Who has never has laughed
Who never lets the sparkles into her eyes
Who never takes a chance on anyone

But the truth is
I once did
But I was shut down
I was pushed away
I was closed out

And now I want to
Laugh, sparkle, and trust
But how can I
When I have forgotten the way
And there is no one to lead me

A melody fills my head
So dark
Yet so sweet

It draws those near me closer
It pushes those far from me further

But it doesnt let them see
This mystical beauty
This enchanting sorceress
This magical creature

And it doesnt let me feel
Worthy
Trust
Love

So in the end who wins?

This melody that fills my head
Is dark
Yet sweet

But its taken over
Their mind
And soon
Mine too

Hope lingers in the dust
Death lurks behind the darkness
Faith rests ahead
Tragedy follows from afar
Loyalty clears your path
Pain pulls you back

Did I forget?
Did I let go?
Wasnt I there when you needed me most?
All those promises
Each and every one
I followed my heart and didn't run
Did you forget?
Did you let go?
You weren't there when I needed you most
All those promises
Each and every one
You followed what?
I saw you run

I miss knowing the words,
To put from mind to mouth,
Or pen to paper.
These day the words get lost in my head,
On the road to becoming a whole thought or idea,
And I can never seem to find the wreckage of the crash.
As if they all just disappeared,
And all the words swirling around my head,
Were never truly meant to be known.

You dont know
Whats going on
Inside my head
You dont understand
Whats going on
Inside my head
You dont see
Who I really am
Is stuck
Inside my head

Do you
Love her

Are you a
Lover

Are they not the same?

Why is it that you can
Wish for things you have never felt

How is it that I can
Wish for something I have never experienced

Is it possible
Is there a chance
Even the slightest

That one day
Someday
I will have it
Right next to me

A friendship
So strong
Neither of us could break it
Even if we tried

My hands
Too slow to write
Cannot keep up with my thoughts
My lips
Too slow to speak
Cannot keep up with my thoughts
My mind
Too slow to understand
Cannot keep up with my thoughts
If I myself cannot keep up with my thoughts,
Why should you?

Chin up high
Even though you did this
How many will die, until you notice?
So many smiles are gone
Too many tears fall wronged
How much will we pay?
Until you take this away
COVID-19
We are a team
You will fall
We will stand
Hand in hand

Next to her.
Behind her.
Above her.
Below her.
Everywhere.
Guilt.
The words, there's nothing you could have done, echo in her mind.
She doesn't believe them.
Because she knows she could have saved him.
His soft blue eyes stare at her.
She won't apologize because she had to.
But that doesn't mean she will forgive herself.
Ever.

Words can never hurt me
But physical touch can
The bruises on my body
Came long before I ran
I thought closeness was love
But now I see
You are just a part of
Hurting me

Finding this place
Helped me see
The world differently
Finding this place
Forced me to find
A hole in my heart and mind
Finding this place
Connected me with
All of you and your words
Finding this place
Let me know
I am not alone

My heart is breaking
For you
But you arent real
How can I feel your pain
But never shed a tear for them
I want to connect
But only you make it possible
And maybe that is because you have no say

I cant be me
When you are around
I am buried deep
Way under the ground
I want to come out
So scared to make a sound
But someday Im sure
My heart will pound
Let me loose from its grip
To the pain I was bound
I will be known
I will be found

Tonight
I want to live
I want to dance
I want to sing
But I want you by my side
I need you by my side
I want to see the world
But I want to see it with you
And through your eyes
But you are gone
So far away
Too far away
And nothing I can do or say
Will ever end this pain

Every step I make
I fly a little
Each breath I take
The wind blows away
My mind filled with ache
Catches up to my thoughts
For my own sake
Leave me alone for a while

The beauty of
a broken heart
That doesnt need
to be healed

She had a heart of gold
So beautiful and bold
Eyes that drew you in
Not looking felt like a sin
Steps as light as dust
Looking was a must
Smile that broke your guard
Not staring was just too hard

Always looking for
An explanation why
I never fit in
But facts will always remain facts
I am different
Even if Im the only one
Who doesnt know why

The words you send
Make my mouth bend
Then I tend
To think of the heart you lend
to me, your friend
whos heart you mend
please let this never end

They say
If you run fast enough
All your thoughts
Will finally be left behind
I used to believe that could be true
But I say
If you run fast enough
Youll finally catch up
With all your thoughts

Twisted truths
Circle around me
Sent by demons
Hiding reality

Look beneath
Look under
Look past

And you will find
What only I know exists

I've always been different,
haven't I?

Yes

For reasons unknown
My mind is always filled with darkness
Im always alone
But I am not heartless

I want to see light
But my mind is buried too deep
I have no sight
So I only weep

Maybe I dont deserve it
And Ill be here forever
But I always show grit
No matter, wherever

Say goodbye
Maybe Ill see you one day
That is a lie
Only I would say

infront of me lies
an empty canvas
i am to fill
with all i have

no words can i write
no strokes can i leave
no color can i show

instead i leave
drops
streaks
waterfalls
of sorrow
that you left
in me

Black streak
Between slabs of gray
Yellow dashes
Running their way
Head down
Dont hear what they say
Ask for food
When you know you cant pay
Wander outside
The empty cafe
Eyes close
Its been a long day

Leave me in a
Quiet
Empty
Lonely
Dark
Room
Its okay
Because my mind will never leave me alone
Inside it's
Blasting
Crammed
Diverse
Shining

Romanticize
Fantasize
Glorifies
Horrifies
Reality
VS
Daydream

When asked, "Why do you matter?"
My mind drew a blank...

Why does one matter?
The unique aura they carry?
Thee insightful way they see the world?
The gift they hold within?
That which they will do someday?