I know—it’s the worst crime
against oneself.
It shouldn’t be an option.
But still, I find myself
wondering…
Should I?

I breathe
for the giver of my life,
because this life—
it isn’t mine alone.
It’s yours too.

But I’m weak.
I want to stop.
Not like you—
not strong, not shining.
I’ve held on
so long
my eyes forgot
how to glisten.

I can’t complain.
I won’t.

So I’ll stop—
even if just
for hours,
days,
a week…
just to feel
less.

I just had an epiphany—
I can never love another
and still love myself.
The two split me like fault lines,
pulling in opposite truths.

It’s either I let one go—
or lose the other.

The way I do things
gets knotted in translation.
My colours shift like a chameleon,
but in my mirror,
it’s just plain grey.

I’m human, I think—
but meticulous,
a mirror to your flame.
I give what I get,
nothing less.

You are not utensil,
or tool.
I’ll only use you
if you gave me no choice.

Still,
I’d rather melt my ice
than let it burn you.

Aloneness?
That's no stranger.
It’s the oldest room in my soul,
quiet, bare—
but safe.

Bland isn't always bad.
Sometimes, it's peace.
Sometimes, it's me.

Don’t go—
even if life feels worse than a beast’s,
even if breath burns like betrayal.
Hold on.
Hold on tight.

I’ve been holding on—
through storms without names,
through nights that swallow light.

But what comes after?
Is freedom ever certain?
I ask the silence
and it only echoes me.

Still, I slip sometimes.
Carve questions on my skin—
my body, now a lab
of wounds, of want,
of nothing.

Yet still…
still I hold on.

I guess I will—
until the rope
decides
to snap
on its own.

I don't get it—
I couldn't possibly do it right.
They said I'm sick,
And though I’ve denied it,
Deep down... I've always known.

I can't make a single choice
And stand by it.
I can’t love—
Even when I am loved.

No matter how hard I try,
Feeling is the harder path.
So I take the easier one:
To feel nothing at all.

And in the silence of my chest,
Where chaos used to scream,
I find a bitter peace—
Loneliness over everything.

I can't expect them to stay,
When I'm always flowing.
So I've let them go
To find the *** of gold-
At the end of the rainbow
Because I'm always fine
Regardless of how it is.

I am Grey.
I flow. I mirror.
I protect my truth.
I don’t force softness or sharpness.
I choose based on energy.
I don’t belong in boxes.
I create atmospheres.
If you’re real with me,
I’ll hold your heart like gold.
If you try me,
I’ll give you exactly what you deserve.
I don’t fake smiles.
I don’t owe peace to those who disturb mine.
I am enough, as I am, in any room
I walk into.

I don’t belong—
not here,
not there.
Not by face,
nor by tongue,
not by attitude,
or flair.

Not by the way I think,
not by the way I feel.
I moved too much—
the roots never sank,
just grazed the soil
then peeled.

My home isn’t home,
and where I am
isn’t, either.
So I’ve cut the threads
to here,
to there,
and even
to where I’ll finally rest.

I will not beg for place.
Instead,
I will cradle myself
in silence,
in softness—
and comfort myself
into a  still.

I’ve always despised
people who use others—
then discard.
Well… not in that order.

I hate the ones
who forget the souls
that got stabbed
just to keep them safe.

Imagine
the petrification
when I realized
I was one of them.

Crowned an empress
because my wounds are hidden,
my betrayals quiet,
tucked beneath charm
and soft-spoken storms.

One day,
I’ll choose adventure over steady,
fun over loyalty—
and call it growth,
or freedom,
or whatever sells best.

But the truth?

Karma will come
for the ones who did to me
what I did to them.
And somehow,
that feels
reassuring—
that I tasted
what I inflicted.

That I chose shimmer—
and they get the gem
elsewhere.

Between the ones who drain my light
And those I'd bleed for in the name of right,
I'm tired.
Worn thin from folding my edges
To fit into spaces that don’t hold me.
It’s already a battle—
I'm tired
Wrestling a nature that longs for silence,
For the stillness of being alone.
I bore too easily—
Of things, of places,
And yes, of people too.
So bonding?
It’s like tying air into knots.
I try, it's a price to pay for aiming higher
But it slips.
Some things don't change,
Even when I wish they would.
Even when I pray I could.
And the hardest part—
The most brutal weight—
Is knowing
I never meant to hurt them.
Nor myself

What’s this ache that brews in me,
A shadow cast where light should be?
No storm has stirred, no words were said,
Yet something silent bows my head.

I'm wrapped in love, a sacred bliss,
Each glance, each touch, a holy kiss.
I'm held, adored, as though divine—
Still, dread seeps in between the lines.

No cracks have formed within our skies,
No lies, no tears behind the eyes.
So why this pulse, this sinking thread—
This heartbreak haunting me ahead?

Do I paint ghosts where none exist,
Or script a fall in every kiss?
Do I, in peace, begin to roam
To ruins I create from home?

Perhaps I fear the quiet most,
The way it feels like tempting ghosts.
Perhaps it’s me—this war within—
Afraid of love I’m safe in.

They said, out of concern,
“Don’t be too different—
But also be you.”
How do I do both
When they are the same?

To be myself is to be different.
To dim one is to **** the other.
So I stay silent, still—
Caged by the image they built of me.

I want to rise,
Put people in their place,
But I’m scared—
Scared to shatter
Their carefully crafted illusion.

So I freeze.
My inner diva
Glitters behind glass,
While I nod, polite,
And shrink into safety.

Only a few
Get close enough to see my rage—
The irony?
It flares at them the most.
Because I trust them.
Because I can.

I got a good day today—
a jab, they’d say, wrapped in silk and shade.
Too unique, too bold,
both fashionably and workwise—they said.

I simply rolled my eyes,
chin lifted to the sky,
and answered, cool and flat:
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Which really meant,
I don’t give a crap—
not now, not ever,
no space in my mental map.

Still, it might echo an hour later,
not from pain,
but as a compliment wearing satire.
Ask me at dusk if I remember—

Maybe I will,
maybe I won’t.
My subconscious filters waste,
like silk through a comb.

It’s how I am,
how I stay sane,
a mind that lets go,
without needing to explain.

If weeds could thrive—
Grow under duress,
Withstand the stomping,
Cling to minimal breath,
Evade the storm—
Then I want to be one.

No—
I am one.

But the downfall,
It’s a weakness:
Weeds get wiped out faster.
They welcome death
By choking what breathes beside them.
And so do I.
I realize.

I thought my forte was depth—
Roots dug well.
But now it’s dried, cracked,
And starting to burn
Others with it.

When it comes to the world,
I'm a preterm baby—
I know nothing
of tales, adventures,
treachery, or wisdom.

I watch
with hooded, glazed eyes
that only understand
fragments—
splinters
of ideas.

So when I got a glimpse,
it wasn’t something
a cradle-bound soul
could ever decipher.

It's the justification of just—
It’s never just a papercut.
And it wouldn’t be.
It’s never I’m fine.
And it wouldn’t be.

My baby self
is allowed to throw a fit.
I think
every other version
should too.

But I’m only a preterm.
What do I know?

My fantasy self once thought

It's easier to be a shifter
You scream mate
like a second nature

Nothing or no one,
Could detach you from them

How do i know to stick my neck out
For one person for all eternity

Reality check was hard
But I needed all of it

Romance was the last hope
I had in some sort of love,hope

It's hard to be bold
Because i want to
Scratch that need to be taken care of

I wonder sometimes

how it's like this
And then like that
In this world

why others eyes are firmly shut
Others wide open

We see things how we want to
Not how they are

Our lenses are so fogged
So senile yet so young

Because our emotions
Are volatile and full of greed

But are those excuses enough
Knowingly or not
we killed someone's will to pull through

I'm a liar
I do that to protect myself but so does the world

I'm a liar
I lie to people that frighten me

I'm a liar
I shake visibly when I do

I'm a liar
I lie to people I don't trust

I'm a liar
When I lie I beat my self for days,weeks,
months,years to come

I'm a liar
I wish you would understand me so I would stop

I'm a liar
I'm visibly disgusted by myself each moment I utter those words

I'm a liar
It's why I talk sparse

I'm a liar
Because its the only way I'll survive
That or keep mute

So I'll keep being silent or ill keep being the lier i soo hate to protect myself.

But I'm transparent
To the only person Willing to bare themself Free of judgement
To that person
I'm an angel of truth

I'm I crazy
I'm no longer in sync,
With my thoughts
Neither with my words
My emotions are of no consequence either

I'm I crazy
I smirk instead of cry
I chuckle at tragedy
I shrug at despair
I turn at disappointment

I'm I crazy
Can't remember how to truly smile
Oh this is rich coming from a soul
whose laughter was contagious
Whose smile was worth the hassle
Yet I wasn't spared

I'm I crazy
That I can only discern
Hunger and thirst
Save anger
The rest are a blurr

Yes I'm crazy
But I'm also a shell
Whose smile wasn't worth fighting for

She hasn't forgiven
Forgetting was far stretched

Hope wasn't just a privilege
It was a nightmare

Just when she thought
The day wouldn't be so bright
Or the night wouldn't be so dark

They proved her a clown
A comedy laughed on,
On her expense

It became a cycle

To get her to Hope
To get her to believe

And to squash down later

So let go she did

Because that's all she could do

As painful as it might be
Hope was never hers to begin with

My instincts are mostly gamble

They work with me
I work against them

They are not self depriving

But the truth that I cannot see

I want a trait so badly
I ignored the warnings

They did tell me it wasn't mine
Never going to be

But I was desperate
I hoped ,prayed even that I'm right

That I deserve salvation
Even if its for Splitting seconds

To feel the magic I thought I deserve

In the end I'm mostly apologetic
For not listening

I hope for my sanity I remember this
Before taking the next leap

Sleepless nights,Cloudy eyes

All seem to be in season

Heavy head,painful sight

All promising wonders

Frail body, weaker mind
Still holding you straighter

Greyer days Darker nights

All seam to blend perfect

Weeping heart,bleeding souls
All mix to form wonders

All this mix
Still strong enough on the outside

In all this cascade
Needn't more to say
We all don't have it perfect

And all understood it different.

I thought about glue
Generally good holding stuffs

The intended ones I mean

Just not the wrong ones
Not your fingers

When you're stuck doing an art project

Then they become bothersome

I thought about adhesions

Side effect to intervention that's meant to fix a problem

As I sat at the dark corner of my room

With a dull aching pain
A promise of waterfall

I knew the glue once fixed me up

I knew the glue now created a scar while scrubbing

I knew the adhesions now needed fixing up

And I knew the
intervention wasn't needed

They just broke me more

And I wish I never tried using glue

Smile lines or frown line
It's a bit hazzy

They both look same
You couldn't possibly discern them

From a first meeting
You need to be a fixture

To tell which ones fit the puzzle perfectly

I think it's amazing to smile through pain

Look it into its eyes
And flip it off

But I also think it's groundbreaking

To acknowledge not being OK

To be scared
To run away from the slightest uncertainty

And finally let the water-fall flow

I've lost the gift of water-flow

But I'm holding on to the gift of smile

Doesn't matter what spectrum
Fits the case perfectly

She might have lost it
Sticken to what hurt her the most

It's hard to voice it out
But it harder when its him

she wants to tell him
How hard it is to function well

How hurt she is
But she can't

Conflict with the other woman
Sharing her body

But She says she is ok
It's what everybody wants to hear

That she's now in Control
That her body is stil hers alone

But she had lost the power to dream

She's meant to keep him happy
Doesn't matter if she's not

Because that's how she knows to care

It was suppose to be a happy occasion,
I heard

A proud moment
I understood
For every soul linked to me

But I felt the opposite

Felt ashamed

Walking around

Limping,staggering

You could see from miles a way

I was deplicted in every sense

I was a coward I couldn't take the easy way out

So I bleed myself out in a noble way

A way that would allow another being a chance to live

And grant me more suffering

Maybe if I'm lucky my heart might decide to tap out

And I'll get to smile.

I don't know what to call this

A peom or rambling

Maybe more of ranting

I wanna be soft and sturdy like...

Be strong like...

Be compassionate like...

Be independent like...

Put my foot down like...

Be nice like...

But he did say
I'm unapologetical for who I am
Or what I stand for

Mostly caught between
Being nice and being me

Saying no and smiling
But I can be both
Maybe I am both

Woke up with the moon
You could say

Everything was merry
Full of life and energy

Pessimist me was locked

Optimism all the way through

Should have known its short lived

Now it's late

And just as its dark

So are my emotions

All the expectations I had

For me and others
Just doesn't cut it anymore

In the end its me Pessimist me

So goodnight I say
For today is done

I believe everything
Happens in a sequence
In an order

I don't need to be
Versed in religion

To understand that
Every test, every sickness

Is moulding me
Into a more concrete form

One with unshakeable foundation

Through every pain
Along my incision side

Made me softer
To other people's pain
And yet I'm grateful for it

The pain yesterday is worse
Than today's pain

And yet with that I still
Don't glorify pain

I just think it's the only way
That I truly learn

I put a stop
A full stop to all

The trees pass swish

Its shadow was good
Well while it lasted

Then came the sun

For once I stopped
To watch it fall

The cool breeze
Hitting my face dry

Saying hi and bye
All at the same time

Then the moon
Came the stars

A beautiful site
But I guess they would never understand
Each others beauty and fall

And i said this is it
I've watched enough

I didn't know how still
My feelings were,
Till it got Rowdy

Final breath sounds amusing

I know deep down
It shouldn't be

But I've got a dark sense of humour

Chuckling to dark thoughts

Once my charm
Is nothing but harm

That I'm the sun
Or the orbit
With every plannet revolving around

Oh well
With a Shuddering breath

I know better
That it takes 365 for just earth to revolve

And I'm way back as pluto

What have I done?
I asked myself

Ten feets distance
Wasn't enough

Darkness is contagious
It eats you like a prey

But I guess it's late now
Apologies won't cut it

The silence was worth it
The pain is welcomed
That way it feels humane

It doesn't ****,
The ones you love
I guess it finally
exploded

I'm eccentric

An enigma

Very flappable

Stoical sometimes

Rowdy

Quiet to a fault

I've been told

I love all shades wrong

You can't pin me down to a particular category

Notoriety you could say

Beign lambasted comes with the title

Embracing?maybe

But that had me covered in blotches

But I'm happier embracing that

Socially constricted

But my cycle love deeply in ways that is freeing to some

I'm exceptionally jumpy some days

Emotions ?lets say they are tasking

Let's say they are OK

I show them by helping out,reducing their burden

I know I'm strong physically

But I've learned recently

My mind is stronger

Being me is daunting

But no one else could play that role
Better than I do.

From a crosswalk

Everything is sidelined

Not focused

Bruised up,
They focused on the bruises

I said she needed empathy

Justice for what she's going through

But as I mulled it over

They could be wrong

But I could be more wrong

Being a neutral spectator

Isn't entirely bad

But hey!How are u doing?

Could fix a whole lot

But neither of us did that

Because its a crosswalk

"Ill do that" she said

She was so always eager to please

But then quick to anger

"No worries I'll fix it"
She always said

In return she got a warm smile

"I'll babysit for the coming years"she said

"I'll be a listening ear" she said

"What do you need help with " she said

"Have you eaten " she said

"You sick we need a doctor" she said

Then her cup got empty

She couldn't pour anymore

Yet she felt guilty that
she couldn't give,

That she blamed them for it

Her path became thorny

In return she tortured herself

Became her worst nightmare

And then she met him

He promised her love beyond this realm

That she was the purest soul he has met

What she was,still is ,is a torture device designed specifically for her

She should be validated

And he would make her understand that

He became he refill

A therapist she could divulge her secrets to

But she forgot he was human

She forgot her touch was sinister

She tainted him too

And he threw that to her face

And she couldn't blame him,or them  for that

Because there is always more to the story

She might be her author

But what she paints,what she writes

Would never be the full story

Because even she alternates between being a victim in her story

But what stays more constant is she must be the villian in this story

Gratitude,success

Those two words

Had been thrown idly

Through decades freely

Could be in a form of morsel

Or fortune ,family  or health

But its also the will to breath

At every dawn

To forgive or to love your figure

To stand or fall

To cry or to chuckle

To speak or be mute

The mediocre of it alone

Is another thing to pounder

Ive walked alone all through

The silence promising torture

Yet nobody bothered to shadow

And when i did get a shadow

That made the rays less scorching

It became a thing

To condemn my soul

To condemn my company

It Didn't matter

That my smiles were bigger

On some days brighter

Its their own thoughts,
Their own designs

That was most important

Yet its ironic

How clueless

How self absorbed they are

That its my soul

Never theirs

And I've never tried to disarm theirs

Love,romance

The commonest emotion

I've seen ,heard and felt

Pitiful if you ask me

It's beginning blinds us so

That the middle and end is a blur

Just another page we've torn of our lives

The greatest of them fall

So why bother then

It's simple

It's hope when there's non

Even the most eloquent or the majority

Do promises such pleasure

But I haven't seen one
That met such expectations

Just like our fingers

We can't be loved the same

One could be broken person

who is promised a good stitching

Other needs a sense of completion

The purpose of it is still a mystery

That its not worth holding my breath for.

The war between,her,me and she

Funny a tale I tell you

"Her" was me a minute ago

So malleable, gullible
Easy to stir

But "her" was happy
Holding unto a dark mural

"Me" is I now

Lessons from "her"shaped me

To let go of steam
From others action

That some ain't -
Worth fighting for

"She" is my future
The all control
I want to be

Some war ain't-
worth fighting for

I'm letting go of "her",
"Me" in progress
So that "she" can live

I was a kaleidoscope

Every hope,faith

I made symmetrical pattern

Yet I know nothing

I Saw the world through
magnified lens,
Microfying lense

Before I knew to pronounce letters greater than five

Yet I know nothing

The power to completely
detach from my soul

Yet be Completely entwined

The web of veins
That cannot function
without the other
Yet I know nothing

Pain far worse
Worse than shrivel of knives
Scattered through all my senses
Yet I know nothing

The vastnes of pain
Each knowledge it comes with
I've been through it
Understood it
Empathatise it
Yet I know nothing

Yes I am That kaleidoscope
My limitation is only war
A defect I'm happy with

"I hate that they were right

you were too good to be true

because you were
a fairy tale

my subconscious

A projection
of what I wanted

my cravings

all which

would never amount
to anything but that".