i just think
that if i was gone
then it wouldn't matter
anymore

it wouldn't matter
anymore

anymore

i have butterflies
every single one unique in its own way
beautiful delicate wings
with intricate patterns and a variety of colors

each individually carved from stone
by the anxious claws that embed themselves into my skin

i focus on those butterflies
if only to distract me
from my thoughts in my head
from my tingling fingers turning numb
from my pounding heart
and from the air that is no longer in my lungs

i focus on those butterflies
on the way their rough wings scrape along the inside of my stomach
their screams from being crushed by those sharpened claws
and the heavy
sickening feeling
they leave behind

memories from the past keep echoing
like little drops of rain tapping on the windows in my head
pitter
       patter
               drip
                   drop
remnants from the storm only I could see
feel
     hear
           taste
the scent of death weaves its smoky hands around my neck
i scream

but my voice is only a whisper
so
   soft
        so
           soft
my screamswordsfeelingspains
are just dead leaves carried on a heavy w
                         i
                           n
                              d
dead leaves you crunch with your feet

the only way you can hate, is to love
hate is love
betrayal is trust
we were one

the words, like fire in my mouth
left scars
to keep you, i had to lose myself

but was i holding onto you
like a child that grips their teddy bear
to save them from the never ending darkness
or were you holding onto me
like a child clenching a bag with a fish
wondering what will happen if you shake it

and just like that child's foolish hope of the teddy bear protecting them
it's all just pretend
an illusion that we wrap around our hearts to shield from feeling

your words have become cobwebs of lies stuck to the walls of my mind
hands that hold my head below the surface of the lake
the lake made by the darkest parts of my mind

the soft and gentle hands that once held mine are now calloused and cold
they no longer create
instead
they destroy

it was never supposed to be like this

i squeeze the teddy bear
you shake the bag
the lake fills my lungs
i'm going to drown
my fault
your fault

we were both
too
heartless

my apology that i gift to you
is made from the tears i've shed these past few years

my love is this gift
that i hope
you accept

i’m so lost and
confused

tired of my tears
and my screams
leaving me silent

my hoarse voice
and tear stained cheeks
mean nothing to you

there is no remorse
or guilt
in the way you treat me

i’m sorry
you say
but those words are hollow

and hold
no meaning to me

they are locked in a box
deep inside my mind

is this what love is

you have broken me
and now i don’t know
who i can trust

i’m afraid i am no longer
loveable

my body and mind
are in too many pieces
for someone to try and put me back together

but that word
try
is another word i have locked away

because you have taught me
that to try
is to fail

and to speak
is to disappoint

but as you taught me
you beat me down
so now

after you
there is nothing left of me
for someone else to love

and how do i explain
why i have nothing left
and that the scars covering every inch of me
are from you

how do i explain
why i think this is love

i frequently
weep in silence -
for those i treat well

are the ones who most of all
seek yet to harm me
and label me crazy

because of this
i am lost
and confused

and you,
     i want
               you to suffer
the insanity -

in myself i am aware of this

but the one i call ‘you’ is simply
                  myself
    and i find that i
          am the cause
                 of my
insanity

and what about me
my heart
     my
           p
              a
                  i
                     n
was it all just a thousand page novel written
with invisible ink

the goldfish swim in circles
casting shadows on my skin
the ripples in the water refract the sun's rays
my eyes burn

i exhale
                                             up
                                         up
and bubbles of air float up

my hand drifts towards the surface
the cool air meets my fingertips
goosebumps kiss my skin

i twirl my hand and the water dances through my fingers
the goldfish disappear
like they always do
my hand begins to sink

i close my eyes

and release
one
final
breath

my cold dead heart was made
absolutely empty
so,
they tell me i can
take a knife to it

though

it would be,
for me,
easier
to face myself

with my soul
having been stained

this thing we
choose
to call beautiful

he

takes his time and
stirs up still things
hidden inside
     to
exhaust the mind

then

settles down and
infests, but

come o beloveds of
darkness and decay

for day
    is near

i’ve been told once before
that when you stare into the Darkness
it begins to stare back at you

until i visited
your grave
i never believed Them

i sat and stared
at the nameless headstone
callously placed amongst the shadows
and i mourned

my tears falling delicately
on the loose soil that concealed what was left of you

until i held your hollow lifeless Skull
in my trembling fragile hands

and met your tender gaze

i just
i hate it

you know

that feeling of
of
sadness

of emptiness

and just
a big empty hole
in your chest

not being able to do anything
yet having to ignore it
and move on

and move on

i just wish something
or someone could fill it

i wish someone cared enough
enough to stop
and help me figure out what the hell i'm doing

and what the hell i'm supposed to do
because this hole in my chest just keeps aching

and i don't know what to do anymore

i don't know
i don't know
i don't know

why don't you care
why

i just want someone to care

because sometimes i think i care too much
but then my chest hurts again
so i don't care enough

and my heart is playing tug of war

but eventually my heart will rip
in half

i just wish you cared
i just wish