"What's the point of loving, if it's not meant to be?"

I almost feel vulnerable around you
Your warm arms wrapped around me and your face snuggled in my neck
I feel your every breath, I feel your every heart beat
I hear the whispers you make when you dream
Ironically whenever you're asleep I have the courage to talk to you and when you're awake my words cower on my tongue
I don't want you to know
I don't want you to know the part of me that's hidden
I just want you to hold me, and make me feel vulnerable and loved forever

Take that ******* with shards of glass
And shove it up your ***.
You have no right to call yourself a grown *** man
You have no idea what one is.

If you want the truth
I will tell you
As much of it I will let through
There are things I wouldn't even admit until I'm lying on my deathbed
But it's pretty irrelevant
I only need to admit it to myself
The only way I escape it is by denying it
But to tell you the truth
Denial is not an easy force of truce
It's a pretty hard thing to tussle with
I feel it in every breath I use
Forever can never be promised, cuteness

Years of neglect is abuse too.

After some time of reflecting
Understanding nothing you do on purpose is an accident or mistake
Only regrets
-Whatever you want to call it- but what you do on purpose is not a mistake
I could explain all day
I have complained in past days
But I'm the only one I can ultimately blame
I still made the choice
Too late to cry and complain
But every time I notice
That I regret it
And try to convince myself
I didn't mean to do it
And that life's always unfair

Once it's over it's easier to act like they never existed or even happened.

I'm afraid of myself because of what I might do
I am afraid of myself because of what I can't have
I am afraid of how I will do
And how I will do it too
*I am afraid of everything
I just won't let you see

I'm so afraid of pain
I find it an ironic thing
I hold onto all this pain,
Hurt, and suffer ring
The diamond is huge (and heavy) on that thing
Except it doesn't do all that flashing
I want to quit, and lay down indefinitely
I'm just so afraid of pain and permanent damage
**Inside of me

Again
You hurt each other again
You hurt yourselves again
You loved each other so much you hurt each other with it
Again
It all happens again
He still loves you
He'd do anything for you
See how sad he is?
Yeah
I see it too
It rips both of you apart being friends and even more so apart
Again
Again
Again
Again
Why be together?
Why be friends again?
Why be apart again?
Something this self destructive can never be forgotten
Can never be undone or erased
Again
Again
Again
Again
This all happens again
The self destructive bomb of two broken hearts
One trying to move on
One trying to hold on
But both never enddingly hurting each other
Every second
Of everyday
This all happens
*Again
And again
And again

Who am I?
What am I?
I am a girl who can't ever be defined by few words

How do you define something you have never come across?
How do you define what you have came across, but don't know how to describe correctly?
And you can only describe it in a few words
The words aren't enough
It's a part of what I am
But not who I am
How do I define myself so I can fix myself?

Everyone is a mystery to themselves
I know what I do or don't like and what my intentions are
I'm sure everyone else does

But who am I?
What is my essence?

I thought I defined myself before
But those are only words that could change at any moment

I am still those words
But
I think there's more to me than just those few words

Who am I I ask
I say *I am myself

I hope she hasn't been creeping on my page at all.
She's just not a guest here that's all.
I have to stop letting my feelings dictate me.
I've been standing in my past so often lately.
I need to breathe.
But I haven't found the right oxygen.
I know that's my problem then.
But don't you ever act like you don't have your own.
Just us pathetic excuses.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things
Feeling alone or feeling lonely are two different things too
Alone, meaning no one is around
Feeling alone means there's people all around, but in you mind, heart, and soul you're all alone inside
Lonely, meaning you're single and searching
Feeling lonely means you're always alone, no matter the place or people

Alone
Or
Lonely?

I am both

I feel alone and I am alone
I feel lonely and I am lonely
My soul is cold and empty
But my body is warm and full
My body is heavy
And my spirit heavier
My mind the storm and my heart the war

Will it ever end?

The overcrowding loneliness and the loud silence that comes with it
Or the feeling that I'm alone

I cry
I mourn
But what am I crying for?
What am I mourning?
Am I crying for death to take me?
So that he can warm my soul and unburden my spirit?

Am I mourning the life I'm living?
Am I mourning the future I think I'll have?
Am I mourning that death doesn't want me, or that he doesn't love me the way I love him?
Am I crying and mourning the deep thirst I have for him?

I think I am
And I'm not sure if I'll ever get over him, or stop wanting him
He was my only solace except writing
He was the only thing I thought I could control
But I don't
He controls it
He decides whether to push me away or to bring me closer

This burden I carry
It breaks me a little each time I feel I should die
Why haven't I died? I think
I should be dead. Someone else who deserves to live should have the rest of my years.
I always think this
Then I think of others
The pain ebbs, but still flows much more greatly later, when I'm thinking too much, feeling too much
Am I alone or lonely?
I think I'm both
And as I said in one of my last poems: Am I trash or golden?
I'm not sure
Am I trash because I'm too broken, or am I golden because I'm broken in a beautiful way?

“You know I will always love you, but I just have to make a change for myself."

Am I worthy?
I'm not sure I am
You don't listen to me
I don't see anything happening
I prayed to you years ago
Four almost five years have come and gone
Were there too many prayers in the world that you skipped over mine like I was unimportant?
So am I worthy?
I'm still not sure
Cause I'm still at least hoping
You'll make things right
Have you heard my crys?
My silent screams?
I'm not sure you have,
cause I'm still crying
and I'm still screaming
Have you heard the whispered thoughts in my head?
I have
I hear them sometimes
when I lie in bed
with my eyes closed and my lips slightly ajar
I cry on the inside cause can't cry on the outside no more
My outside looks different than my inside
You've must have seen
that darkness in me
and heard my silent screams
You've must have seen past my outside and into my inside
Hallow, dark, silent screams, blood and pain everywhere
And the shadows that close around me
You must have seen
Everything
Even the things I haven't yet seen
Am I worthy?
I honestly don't know
And I don't think I ever will
Please
If you haven't done anything
Tell me
Am I worthy?
Was I ever really worthy?
*~Chalsey E. Wilder

The angels with their halos glowing showing their innocence
The beauty of their pale or perfectly tan skin, glowing with purity and light
The soft silk gowns they're wearing falling down below their knees flowing down their skin more beautifully than a waterfall
And their long beautiful silky hair flowing down their backs like roasted honey
And their harmonic voices
Would bring such resounding beauty to a deaf person's ears
The sight of their beauty and purity would make a blind person cry to see such beauty
The angels bring all they are into this world
Giving us miracles that bring our faith back
And giving thanks to them once they're done

Rain water soaks me
You undress me
You dry my body with your lips
You hold my hips with your finger tips
Your touch burns my body with original sin
You look at me and ask "Are you ready?"
I look back "Yes." I say, "Don't ask again."
Our hips now connected
We both gasp and sigh
as our connected hips move together
The looks on our faces after we're done
The looks of sighs and pleasure
My head fits perfectly in the hallow between your neck and shoulder
Our eyes flutter closed and what we did is repeated in our dreams to relive again...

"A lot of people go under the assumption they can choose who they love, and try to look for that. But, all that does is get them into trouble."*

           ~From the movie: The Mexican

It's hard to talk on the phone
Can't quite focus on what they're saying
Stuttering and stammering for words
At loss for what to say
Then you have the words again
You say the words you mean to say
They come out sounding weak and jagged,
Meek and lame
And you feel useless in the department of speaking
Your heart beats and jumps wildly at the attention you never wanted, the attention that seems to put an untold amount of pressure and judgement upon you
You never feel like talking again, except to maybe voice an opinion someone might actually care about
You panic when someone new talks to you
Heart thumping madly to get out of your chest, telling you to get out of this situation

This is not a cold, not the flu
Not something you can get over too

We're in the middle of nowhere
Except trash bags are our tumble weeds
And the ash is our wind
The broken trees the children
And the fire our kin
The ash moves beneath the dry leaves
The fire plays within the broken trees
And the children die from choking on ashes

To have a soul so crushing it slips through the cracks of another
To ever touch a soul so deep that it drives you to insanity with beauty
To ever wake to see this soul, this bare soul will change you completely
To have a soul so crushing you feel everything
To ever touch a soul so deep that you could do nothing but fall into it
*To ever wake to see that this is the soul you're wearing with your eyes

You don't know how lucky you are*
You're innocent from the terrible things I've been through
You're the ******* cheerleader
And I'm the ******* freak
You fell in love with a creature incapable of loving back fully
And I fell in love with a fragile fairy so trusting
Here we go again
Into a story told a thousand times
Into a poem told with a thousand rhymes
Here I go again breaking another heart
Here I go again tearing my soul apart
For something I think I deserve I make myself incapable of loving myself or another

I'm sitting at the edge of the cliff
Just watching
Just waiting
I'm sitting as the ocean throws itself against the rocks, spraying me
I wait
I wait for something
No
I wait for nothing

I'm sitting on the edge of the cliff
Sliding off the edge I'm gonna let this small nothing happen
I'm gonna have this small nothing be gone in a whisper*
*Just never miss me
Just never whimper

Fall cause the leaves are falling
Turn cause the leaves are turning
Be gentle like the wind that's blowing
Be quiet like nature's snoring
Throwing acorns may be boring
But the squirrels are the ones really scoring
Baby chipmunks too
Cryless skies of baby blue
Oh, I just urn to see you
This season makes me sink in memories
Hell, it takes me deep into my feelings
But sweater weather is fun
It's cold while you have warm sweaters on
Couldn't be a better season

I am autumn
I am the changing colors
The chilly weather attracting sweaters
I am the dying flowers, closing up till another spring that life welcomes
I am autumn
I am crunchy cushiony pile of fun
I am the pumkins baking in the oven for Thanksgiving
And the decoration for Hallows eve
I am Autumn
Sometimes more beautiful than Spring

Isn't it a waste
A contradiction
That the helpless are begging

A whisper
So faint
So near
It came right up next to my ear
It said come with me, I need to show you something
What do you have to show me? I ask

I stood at the edge
It was a dark beautiful waterfall

I was so amazed
come near. it whispered

I came closer
closer it said

I came so near that my ear almost touched the water
Then I noticed there was no sound of the waterfall

It whispered
A sound so faint and small
But what it said was loud
My worst nightmares and my darkest thoughts that were forcefully unfinished, they were whispered in my ear
Word for word I could not stop listening
It whispered welcome to immortality

That is my whisper of darkness

Let it age like fine wine
Cause, baby, for this sipping, I merely do not have the time
So bottle it up
Save it for someone who cares
Save the need to insult somebody
When being mad is a crime you deny
But I'm all fine,
Not wondering my head off about if.
I'm calm
Knowing
That denial has something hidden.

Mamma ain't raise no *****.

Actually, she did. And I'm the baddest one you'll ever come across cx

No one wants to see the bad, and yet that's the only thing that's shown

When I get a bae
Don't talk to meh

You left me feeling bare naked even when I was clothed
The look you gave me
The instant connected feelings left me feeling halved when you looked away
It left me bare naked
And I felt the draft you left behind
The feeling was so strong it made me want to cover up everything
I could see he saw my whole story
And I saw his too
We left each other bare
We left each other chilled and afraid of being vulnerable
And we had only walked past each other on the subway

Beauty stares at me so senselessly
Thinking herself born a daughter of ugly
She's aggressive, impulsive, but gentle and caring
Who couldn't see anything more beautiful than her in sun lit mornings and perfect sceneries of golden sunsets
The Universe couldn't spin anything more perfect
Couldn't create anyone better
Trouble finds beauty to be priceless, following her everywhere, trying to obtain her in his claws
But the important thing is, beauty has no laws

I think you're beautiful
Your curvy body
The body I want to touch so gently
You hate your curves
The curves I love so much

I love your face
Even with all the blemishes
Your face is so beautiful
But you hate your face because of the blemishes

I love your **** and hips
Because they're a part of you
You hate them, but I don't know why
Sometimes I wish I could hug and kiss you so much that you wouldn't hate yourself anymore

Where you hate yourself I love
Where you love yourself I love even more

I see your beauty
Why can't you?

I guess I am the beholder of your beauty

You are the beauty in my eye of the beholder

Because of me
Your heart is broken
I'm your world
And the skies have taken a token

I'm a world of pain
I'm tattered all over
With poverty and rain

I wish a rainbow would come through
If only this thing could conclude

Because of me
I cannot love
I cannot relax
And I cannot be loved

I'm not willing
My heart is locked
And time will tell
As it ticks on that clock

We have to make it before the last grain falls
The dying air we breathe
My dying words you read
I don't want to start all over, or it'll mean nothing at all

We have one chance
One problem
It's enhanced
Why did I have to follow?

You breathe your air into me
It reaches my lungs slightly
Grab my arms and bite me
Dig your nails into me so tightly

Make me feel the pain of a broken heart on the outside
Let me bleed your broken heart
My body can heal just fine
Please, I am so willing to fall apart

If your heart lies, I'll die with it
If I die your heart will die with me
This is what it is
A jagged love connection

Please just save me from myself
I'll burn in hell before you care
Free me from this confinement of my mind
I'll scream until the end of time
Take me from this world of bore
And drag me through your words of lore
Take me from this monstrosity
And lead me to a place of tranquility

But most importantly,
Leave before I care too

I know you're mad because I'm closed in tight
It's hard for me to express these feelings
I'm just not used to someone caring
I'm not used to someone taking the time to love me
To get to know me inside out
Believe it or not, it was easier to get in my body than in my mind
I know it's frustrating, cause you quote on quote, "I want to know what's in my woman's mind"
I couldn't agree more, it just takes me time
To get on paper what is in my mind
I'm just so used to closing myself off till I want to die
I still live day to day
I live with this weight on my chest
With it plastered in my mind,
Cluttered with it
Every gap has traffic in it
Every little thing you wouldn't want to remember
Whenever I'm alone,
Whenever I am vulnerable
It always ***** me right back
And holds on as tight as you do

If your beliefs cause you to harm an innocent
Then there is something seriously rotten in you, and wrong with your beliefs

You're so mesmerizing
I couldn't ever believe that you were ever lying

“I hope you go to heaven so that I'll never have to see you in hell!"
OR
“I would rather live in hell if it's never to see you again!"

Burned with the evil fire of deceit and betrayal
Fallen angel tears spilt to put it out
Blood running down your body
Stitches that the cuts made
The scars they left behind show your shame
All that's left of your heart is the blackened ashes the fire left
All that's left of your body is the stitches and scars
All that's left of your ego is the shadow of your newfound shame
Blackened heart
Shadowed shame
Broken ego
And your body a reminder
*The ashes blew away and your blackened heart never healed back to a loving red...

According to me
Every minority
Is black to me
Bring all my non-straight non cis siblings
Bring all the brown skins
No matter what shade of brown
Cause
We are all the same
We matter less than the majority
They have the authority to **** a minority
Even did this to them in their own lands
Still time stands
Change is not moving fast enough
It's a shame it'll take years to a decade to save innocent lives
It's shame that it'll take several decades before muslims are no longer stereotyped as terrorists when white people have always done terroristic **** to their own race and each and every other and never get labelled a negative connotation such as "terrorists"
Even a white **** can walk into a school to shoot it up and the rep of white people would not be tarnished with the word "terrorists"
But I can't walk into a store with my book bag without someone thinking I'm stealing clothes when I'm just simply looking to buy dish detergent
My skin shouldn't automatically make me a suspect
And your white skin shouldn't automatically make you more innocent
Skin that's white, isn't pure
It's true that poison holds the formula for the cure
No wonder why the color black is seen as evil
The color white is seen as innocent
It was applied to our skin for us to never win

Sometimes people don't see the beauty in themselves