Your eyes reminded me of snow; cold and impatient. There was a blizzard in your soul waiting to explode.

You were so young... I remember it like yesterday. You held my hand and we laughed about the weather and the clouds above us. You were so naive.

Your lips tasted like mint. They were always there for me when I was down or needed comforting. Waiting to tell me things I needed to hear; a taste of something special for once.

You were so wild. Such a vagabond always looking for the next chapter to write about. Sparks always flew from your heart with passion I could never understand. You were so free.

If this would help me make sense of this disaster that happened I would write forever. I don't know why it had to end this way. I don't know where the adventure went the day you died.

But my heart is like your snowy eyes; cold and distant.
And my lips are chapped and taste like blood from biting my tongue; holding down the tears I've built up in a matter of hours.
And my soul has aged... Wild and free was never for me.
You were so young...

When the world was green and bright we kidnapped our love in glass bottles and named them fireflies.

When the world was happy we followed the moon and the stars; always knowing they would guide us home.

When the stars seemed less shiny and the fireflies somehow got away...I still loved you.

The memories we shared.
The flowers in my hair.
The smile on your face.
The way my heart raced.

When the world was full of compassion and life, we planted our dreams in trees.

When the world showed us the ocean and her mystery, we buried our smiles in the sand.

And when the world started to fall Apart from pollution and creation... I still loved you.

The life in your eyes.
The endless surprise.
The kisses we fought for.
The way our love soared.

So even when the world ends and we aren't sure if we have a next life to begin.... I'll still love you.

There is something brilliant hidden under the words you say when you're mad.

When you say "I"... You say it was such conviction! Such passion is in that one letter making it know that YOU are serious.
When you say "don't" you start to lose that edge and I can hear you shaking under your breath... Not as convincing here.
When you say "love"... I hear pain. Nothing but sad, unnerving pain. I almost can't handle it.
When you say "you"... I can't tell if you are talking to me or yourself. You have at this point lost me on whether you're serious or not..
When you say "anymore"... This is when I have officially stopping believing anything you say. You've at this point started looking at your shoes as though they know the answer.

And when you say "I don't love you anymore"... Then I would have to assume you probably don't love me anymore.

If I could tell you one thing I Would tell you to live young, wild and free.
You're going to make mistakes.
You're going to get in trouble and feel awful when you get caught.
You're probably going to lie even if you don't really want to.
There are days you're going to want to just give up on life and that's okay.

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to love the way the moon loves the sun.
Find someone who loves you unconditionally.
Someone who will never change you.
Learn to let things go.
Learn to be forgiving even when you want to punish someone so bad it's all you think about.
Because there are days you're going to want to fight just to feel alive!

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to always be yourself.
It's unique.
It's truthful.
Because there really is only one you & some days you might not like you anymore.
And someday you might love yourself more than anyone else!

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to be honest.
Be honest with people who care for you.
Be honest with yourself.
Be honest to the person who will break your heart.
Because honesty always win in the end.

If I could tell you one thing, I would tell you to dance.
Dance like you're floating along the Milky Way.
Dance like it's the last time you're going to be alive.
Dance to music no one but you can hear.
Because sometimes, making a fool of yourself is the only way to laugh the bad stuff away.

And if this is the last thing you ever hear from me... I would tell you that I love you.
I love who you are even if you don't.
I love the smile on your face and how you light up.
I love the look in your eyes when no ones looking.
And even though only you can make yourself happy, just know,
I love you.

There wasn't much left to do but drink the night away; just me and this bottle of ***.

I seemed to have blurred the lines from being 18 and happy to 22 and ready to drink myself to death.

I am not sure how I got here, maybe years of hiding sadness, who knows really?

I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but I found just liquid courage.
I can't remember the last time my pants fit the right way, always too big, sometimes too small.
They said I look different. My eyes a little more red, my hair a little less clean.
I raced to the edge of the hilltop looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but found only suicidal memories.
I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Always thinking about the past and how many mistakes I've made instead of how far I've come.
They said I act different. A little more sad, a little less happy.
I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, and found the emptiness I felt inside.

When all is said and done you'll be nothing more than a shorting star-
Your memory will be faint with the recognition that I once knew you-
Your light will have faded and you'll be one with the darkness that fills you-
When all is said and done you may be able to call me names and fill my soul with sadness but you'll never break my spirit-
I am one with the distant sunsets and the way the clouds look different in another state-
I am one with the way your eyes open wide with fear of love as you say my name-
You are the downfall to my kingdom to come and you were my cottage past-
You are the negative energy keeping me halted along the path to happiness-
But when all is said and done you'll be nothing more than a shooting star-

Sirens rang in the distance and I'm pretty sure the fire in my heart already burnt out.
I apologize in advance for the inconvenience my love must have caused you for so long.
The wind howled in the night and I heard the rain begin the pour down.
Like the blood in my veins you kept me alive for a while.

Can you read me this fairytale about true loves kiss and the passion they feel? Tell me a story of action and adventure where heroes always win! You can't thoigh because we fell into a tragedy. Lost as Romeo and Juliet we killed ourselves slowly and passionately with no note for anyone.

Sirens ring louder now and i can't be sure but they might be outside my apartment.
I apologize for the lack of communication today but I thought it best to go at this alone.
I decided that you're no longer needed as the blood in my body so I slashed you out across my wrists.
What a tragedy it is to die so young and alone?

There is something about eating Thai food alone. I don't know if it's the music in this tiny place or maybe how friendly everyone pretends to be while they judge you from afar.

And I'm not sure these days if I'm lonely or just tired of being alone? Love is just a far away option I'm not sure will ever be more than past tense.

This piano is giving me a headache... Who am i kidding I have no idea if it's a piano! I just wish I wasn't eating alone.

I smoked my last cigarette today on top of this city's skyline as i let the windy night flow through my long hair.
My hair is getting so long.

I keep losing my train of thought; trying to drown the thoughts of ending it all with a bitter beer.
I really hate beer.

I keep myself busy planning my escape from this Cities hold on me but we all know I am afraid to make the first move.
I  am always so afraid.

Failing isn't an option and you told me you were never wrong... i almost believe you until the day you left me.
I knew you were wrong about at least one thing now.

I started smoking again today... I could have swore I was done with this disgusting habit but my life is one habitual mess.
I have horrible habits.

I planned my escape today while i sat work, slacking off like my boss often does, and i realized I can do.
I think things are going to be okay.

I threw out the bitter beer i had in the fridge today. I really can't stand the cheapness of it and how it reminds me of your bittersweet goodbye.
They both tasted the same to me.

I finally got that hair cut i told you i was getting.
The truth is hate long hair anyways.

I just stare down at white lines on blank pages and whisper the only words I have ever know: I love you.

We fell asleep under the blurry night sky with old light above us and new light down the road.

We made love under palm trees listening to each other breaths in sync with the soft breeze of the ocean near by.

With skin touching and bodies uniting we became one and as if cliches weren't enough I fell in love.

With your rough hands caressing mine. With those blue skies you call eyes. With lips so red like sweet cherries on my tongue.

We entered the summer with such romance; such passion for being so young and naive. You took me for the fool I was and left me in the winter for a far more interesting adventure.

And as I sit staring at this blank piece of paper I wanted to fill with words of anger I will write the only thing I have ever know to be true: I love you.

It was hot... Almost to hot.
Hot in a sticky wet way that made me want to run away.
I was from this high and dry desert town; we complain about dry heat but the humidity is by far the worst change I've ever experienced.
I walked down those airport stairs contemplating where I could get some water or coffee; I mean it was 6 in the morning!
I remember thinking how angry I was going to be if you weren't waiting for me.... I know you hate mornings.
And if there is one thing I'll never forget for the rest of my life is the way you stood at the bottom of the stairs in that airport terminal and the way you made me catch my breath.... I almost forgot that humidity that made my skin pour and my hair frizz.... I almost forgot I needed that coffee or that I had just been on a plane for 6 hours....

But I sure didn't forget how I was so enamored by every single piece of you.

We fell down the mountain into piles of cold snow and we never saw the frostbite headed our way.
It was cold and lonely as we went our separate ways but the ice had only just begun to form in our hearts.

It was like trying to cross a train track when the train was moving full speed ahead; death was around the corner laughing at us. It was like trying to breathe underwater; impossibilities were not our strong suit.

I would like to paint a picture of us but I wouldn't know what color to start with. Sometimes I picture us so blue and calm with tiny hints of red... But it was more like red slashes along a white canvas.

We hit the winter at full speed with only our naive hearts guiding the way. Love melted faster than the snow that night and there was nothing we could do to stop it.

It was cold in my room
And all I wanted was for your body
To replace my sheets-

I wanted fingers interlocked
And legs crossing one another and
Body's so entwined we became one-

I wanted laughter suppressed
By whispers of ecstasy as our breath
Was warm on the back of our neck-

I want shivers running down
My spine the minute your fingers touched my back-

It's been a long winter and spring
Seems so very far away
And I miss you-

So when I sleep tonight I'll dream of
Your body against mine and
I'll know you're thinking of me too-

The mirror looks so twisted and I can only see the fragmented versions of the me I used to be.

I see her eyes, they once smiled with so much joy and heart, now filled with pain and a glimmer that she's barely hanging on.

I see her smile, once filled with laughter and jokes, now filled with sad secrets and a force she never had to use before.

I see her cheeks, once held lines of youth, now hold the fear of growing old and alone.

And I think  about who I was and who I am as I stare at the pieces so deformed by the thoughts in my head and I wonder... Am I really that bad?

The answer is... I am not as bad as everyone tends to make me feel but I am truly not the monster I make myself out to be and I will rise above this challenge.

When you're on the verge of a breakdown everything seems so bland-- the food you eat, the people you meet, the stories you hear, and the feelings you fear.

It wasn't you're fault he fell in love with you; people can't help how they feel... And it's not your fault you loved him too.

I'm not bitter... A little tore up about myself but not about you two. You're my best friend and stuff happens.... Except this happens all the time...

It's okay that my best friend is prettier than me, charming and everything I'm not. I just wish I knew how I handle meeting someone then having her chosen immediately over me... Am I that ugly?

Am I that gross?
Am I that bad?
Uninteresting?
Completely boring?

I can't put my finger on how you chose to meet me or had some interest and the minute my best friend comes around I'm out the door.

It's okay... I'm already on the edge of jumping off this cliff.. Why not just free fall down and out this pain?

The fire in my eyes has burnt to ashes and my skin is as pale as the moon above me.
You stole my shallow heart and filled it with hopeless dreams and gorgeous promises that will never come true.
You took my hands and held them to your heart telling me love was the only option.
There is smoke in my lungs and alcohol in my liver and I have no fear of dying any longer.
You were so blatantly rude whenever I asked you to explain why you were leaving.
And the worst is you never had a thing to say.
Or better yet the worst is probably that I believed you actually gave a ****.
Now the time has come for me to say farewell and good day.
Because I've lost my self respect trying to chase you begging you to stay.

They asked me about my trip to see you and it's funny cause a few days ago I wrote how I was doing just fine... Until today.
Because I can't look them in the eye when they ask how I feel about good old North Caroline.
I can't tell them about how my trip to DC was beyond words phenomenal.
I can't tell them how I left a part of my heart in Pittsburgh or how peaceful Ohio was.
No I can't let them know how I really feel because they all think I'm getting better.
They think I'm finally moving on and I thought so too until today.
I guess I want to say thank you for taking me on those extravagant adventures to distant places I had never been.
Thank you for taking the time to show me something beautiful in life.
Thank you for showing me a piece of what love used to be....
I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas, it's so hard to stay angry with someone you truly love no matter how hard they hurt you.

Her skin smelled like peppermint; it wasn't love more like infatuation.
I liked the way she wore her hair; long and colorful.
I liked how her eyes always fit her mood; always changing.
I liked how she never seemed to really care she just went with the day.
No, this wasn't love, but she made me curious.
She made me wish I could be her.
That I could have that smooth confidence, or those perfect teeth.
She made me want to dress differently and talk slower with more care.
She always smelled like peppermint, it was always refreshing.
She was a good girl who everyone thought was a bad girl.
No I didn't love her, but I was infatuated.

About 23 days ago I remembered why I hated December so much.
It was your touch..
It was your eyes.
It was your soft, condescending, beautiful voice.
It was you.
I woke up to snow in the front lawn and I saw dark grey clouds above; it was as if they knew.
Your birthday is in 5 days and every year I used to call you and tell you how much you meant to me but this year.... This year I won't be calling.
See you forgot my birthday.
You forgot how much you cares about me.
Frankly, you forgot about me.
About 23 days ago I remembered how hard this time of year gets for me but I think I'm going to be okay...
Because it's 5  days away from your birthday and I haven't cried.
It's 2 days away from Christmas and I'm still alive.
And it's 1 hour before I pass out and finally get a peaceful night of sleep knowing I'm going to be okay...

I found the prettiest of roads covered in red tulips and white daisies.  
With large willow trees that hid behind the fog in the morning.
I found the deepest part of the ocean and swam to the bottom of the sea...
Where I found purple reefs that covered everything around me.
And on my journey I came across an old elderly couple living a top of a golden hill.
In a stone house with flowers surrounding a wishing well.
They told me stories of distant lands and kingdoms past.
Of riches and jewels that glittered in the sun and how material items could never last.
They asked me about my life and I told them about you and your green eyes.
And your perfect smile and sandy blonde hair; I even told them about the lies.
And they smiled gently and kissed me cheek and sent me on my way.
Because they knew that even on this beautiful journey I would run back to you one day...
Because love is greater than all things big and small.
Loving you is my only real downfall.

I fell in love with you on a blurry cold September day; blurry from tears that ran down my face the last three hours.
We say in my room watching romantic comedies drinking coffee and talking about the moon and the rain outside.
You asked me why I was crying but how could I tell you it was over someone from a long time ago?
How could I tell you that as I got over him I was slowly falling for you?
You asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure; of course I wanted To go on an adventure.
And instead of moving you turned off the tv, turned on the radio and we listened to every pop punk band we knew and talked of the places we would go.
I fell in love with you in September but by October you would have moved on because I wasn't ready yet.
I couldn't quite move on from him and you couldn't quite let that go and I couldn't blame you.
It was a cold day... A cold September day.

I chose these city lights over your country heart.
I chose skyscrapers and busy streets over grass that's bright green.
You took over mountains and climbed them to the clouds.
I took on daily traffic and headed toward the ocean blue.
I chose my own fresh start instead of loving you.
You chose the NC country side and to love me from afar.
I've been through this game of selfishness for quite some time now...
And you've let me learn the hard way.
Now my heart is set on your green open fields and your heart is set on the city.
You're ready to finally let me go and I'm ready to finally let you in...
We never had good timing with love.

Looking back I found there wasn't much I could do to get through to you.
It could have been your constant bickering or need to be better than me.... I'm not quite sure.
You picked me up so easily in your Arms I slid down your waist to kiss your lips as you smirked... I hated that smirk.
We got drunk off cheap whiskey and red lipstick.
Looking back things were so silly but we were too drunk to notice that you were too rude and I had to much pride.
It could have been your lack of lust or my lack of trust I can't remember these days.
You led me on so easily it was like a list child looking for their mom I went willingly.
We got faded off cheap bud and sour smiles.
I guess looking back I didn't notice your emptiness that couldn't be filled with ***.

I like the way you broke my heart it was almost to innocent.
You read me like you're favorite book fast and skimming the words.
You told me you had the perfect summary of me; heartbroken tragedy awaiting.
And at the time I didn't know what that meant but I get it now.
See you sketched our romance like an amateur artist.
You drew us in pencil never retracing in pen.
And I waited around for the finished work only to receive an empty page with eraser marks.
I like the way you stole my heart it was almost to easy.
You kept me around like a lost puppy; waiting for the actual owner to show up.
You told me pretty lies to make me smile not realiZing I was still crying on the inside.
And like the poet I felt I was I wrote this down for you to read.
I just wanted you to know I don't like not being able to repair this broken heart.