I am glass.
Glass is a strange thing.
Thick enough
It can with stand more pressure than most things can not
Refusing to break
It is strong.
Transparent.
Bullet proof even
It lets all the light in
And even more light out
It can be smooth
Beautiful
However when damaged,
As I am now
It becomes weak in places
So Fragile the wind can shatter it
Thin and rough  
Holding itself together with cracks
Trying not to show it’s chips.
When burned,
Glass turns black.
Smokey
Changing the transparency dark.
No longer letting one see inside.
Not showing what once shined through.
Casting shadows on everything around it.
Glass tries to trace the scars life has left behind.
Tries covering those cracks.
But they are forever
Reminding glass that at one point,
It fought for something.
It believed in something
Even if it left it scared, cracked.
I am glass.

Mental
Physical
I want you wrapped around me
I want your fingers between mine
Your breath over my body
Breathe life into me
I beg you
I want your name engraved on my lips
Your sweetness covering every piece
Molded together
I need you
Inside me, my mind, all of me
Fill my missing parts
Smooth my broken edges
I surrender
Put me back together with your body
With your words
Force me to be hole again  
Blow, break, burn, cool and make me new
Wrap your name tight around my insides
Brand me
I can be what you need
Never ending cravings
I’ll fulfill your needs
Euphoria
I was born to make you feel it
Mentally
Physically

What I imagine
Who I imagine
That kept my heart safe
It isn’t fair
You were supposed to be happy
I kept going
Because you had a good life
I was okay
Because you got everything you wanted.
I didn’t matter
You mattered
Above all, your happiness
But now
Now that I know the truth
Who can survive that?
How am I supposed to go on?
Knowing you’re not a fraction
Of the person
You were supposed to be.
How could you do this to me?
Your smile is gone
Your fire blown out
Your light covered in shade
Where are you now?
How will I survive?

I keep seeing Hawks
On the way to work
Souring through the sky
On the way home
Diving towards the earth

I saw a Hawk outside my window
Sitting on the neighbors roof
I saw one at my parents house
Perched beneath the trees

Each Hawk looks right at me
With little movement we lock eyes
The Hawk knows me,
Recognizes my soul

Seeing a Hawk could mean many things
Protection
You need perspective
Representation of a memory

But overall
It means following your intuition
Intuition
Intuition always leads me
To you

Then again
Seeing a Hawk could also be a warning
That evil is near
Be aware and ready to defend yourself

I guess when it comes
To Hawks
To You
It means the same thing.

Life never stopped,
No matter what happened.
Life never stopped moving forward.
It didn’t care that I missed you.
It didn’t matter
That “my plans” were ruined
So I moved on.
I fought,
When all I thought I was capable of
Was falling to pieces.
I fought.
Life kicks you when you’re down
You kick back
I lost some days
I lost some weeks
but I never once gave up.
Life doesn’t stop.
So neither did I.
It never allowed me to stop,
I never thought I would get here
But I’m thankful
For both the grief and the grace.

I wonder
What God values more
How we treat others
Or
How we treat ourselves?

You won
I’m just his past
I didn’t even know
We were competing
I didn’t know you existed
I didn’t believe
I could ever lose him
That’s what love does
Blinds you
Makes you believe
You’re in the clear
I swore he’d make his way back
Back to me

You got the man I made
How does that feel?
You should have met him before me
Before I guided him to who he is now
I spent years listening to him
Nights upon nights teaching him
Erasing every insecurity he had
You wouldn’t have believed
You won anything at all
If only you would have known
the boy
I loved

You See
I loved him before
Before you
Before he was smarter, wiser
Before he grew that filter on his mouth
I loved him when he was wild
Reckless
Dramatic
I loved him when he thought
The world would end
if we were apart for just one day

Does he love you like that?
Yeah you won
But that’s not the boy I loved.

I required you to show me
I didn’t know the way
What I couldn’t see
Was your future betray
I was so petrified
I couldn't see just how naive
All emotions magnified
I made myself believe  
Every word you said
But these are just my dreams
Every line unread
Left only with my screams.

Sometimes I feel like this is really it.
Like there will never be a “better day”.
I find myself thinking
Every possibility of happiness and opportunity to smile again is gone
That’s just not true though
I have to remind myself
There’s always another day,
Always a way to make up for the bad things we have done
We can always try and prove to the people we have hurt, that we won’t do it again.
We can always apologize.
There is always someone who loves you. Someone out there fighting for you
Fighting for you to do or be better
Even when you feel like
You are completely alone.
Even when you think nothing good could ever come your way again
Like you’re just out there just floating along, waiting for the next heartbreak.
There is always something better coming.

The brilliant boy
He's in this limbo
Almost living
Completely dying.
It's all so poetic really.
Killing everyone
everything for something;
for the love you
desperately think you can get back
Even though you are the cause
of every single thing
that has happened
of everything that you have lost.
You made the decisions that
Got you here
Now it’s war
Mayhem
Fighting everyone around you
but truthfully fighting yourself.

"It's always been his job to fix this."

That’s what you convince yourself
Your job to make things right
You believe that murdering it all
will end it.

He thinks it’ll take him
completely back
to the beginning.
It won’t
You can’t
You are so far gone
You’re killing yourself
Brilliant.

Falling for a liar
I keep asking myself why?
You said my wall was the problem
My wall built to the sky

You didn't realize
what you had done
Every time that you came by
You put my hand on the gun

Step by step I went
Just building that wall higher
Brick by brick it grew
Falling for liar

That's exactly what it'll do
itll make you feel so numb
Realizing nothing you said was true
How could I be so dumb

So high no one could see the top
Looking down from my sky scraper
I couldn't figure out how to stop
Walls and walls built with newspaper  

Here I can see you from a far
I can predict who's trouble
Some say I'm too close to the stars
Far away from your dirt and rubble

Blinded by the light
Nowhere near the ground
All your pretty words
Couldn’t ******* back down

My shelter from the storm
Here I know what's true
Miles and miles from your lies
My clarity is nowhere near you.

Walk away
What I should of done

Next time someone tells me
"You know I'll never hurt you."
That's exactly what I'll do
I’ll walk away

I know I should of braced myself
There was already so little of me left
Why did I believed you,
How could I give you a chance?

How could I have thought
it'd be different?
Your words would be truer?
Like the meaning behind them
Could be solid this time?

No one says that
Unless that's their plan
To hurt you, break you
Cut you down
or at least unless they know there is a chance...

A chance I should not have taken
Life and death
My life
My death
The battle of your good intentions

The fight to stay alive
You think that if you say
you won't hurt me this time
That when you do
it won't be so bad

Like we will remember
what you said
Remember you had good intentions
And we'll think
At least it wasn't on purpose

But it had to be
It always is
People don't get hurt unless someone chooses to conflict the pain

You chose
It doesn't come from no where
It doesn't just happen
People choose to hurt people

The people they said they loved
The person you said you loved

Never again
Not this time
Not next time
I will not survive

I'll save myself the ache
The bleeding pain
If I walk away now
I might get to keep the little pieces I have left
From your last good intentions.

Today
Today we would have celebrated
Today marked 13 years
Somehow though
We only had the first 9.

You're still just as important to me.
You're still in my heart.
I still think about you.
Every single day.
I still think about what you’d say
Silently asking for your advise
You talked me through everything

Loving someone can change
That love it can modify,
it can alter,
it can grow
It can break
but it never stops.

If there was away
To leave that love somewhere
Abandon it
Drive it as far away as possible,
I would have.

Loving a ghost,
a memory,
It can be crippling
the what ifs
They are devastating.

Caring for you was never easy
but I chose to do it,
I chose you over and over again.
Even when you stopped choosing me

I loved you so much.

I continue loving you
That choice I made
Will be for the rest of my life.
I can’t take it back

I will miss you every single day.
A part of me
destined to be lost
for the rest of time.

Im no longer full,
a shell of a person.
I gave you such a big piece of me,
throwing caution to the wind.
I gave and I gave and then
I gave some more.

You took and you took and then
you left.
Never looking back
Not even to see if I could stand on my own.
Not even a glance to see if I’d survived.
I did.
Didn’t I?

She makes comments
Comments like I never actually loved her.
She thinks it was a phase for me.
A teenage experiment.
Rebellion.
Like it didn’t happen to the both of us.

She acts as if she didn’t break my heart.
She thinks I didn’t feel
every single moment
without her.

She was my first love.
The first person I gave everything too
The first human I wanted forever with
I thought she wanted the same

She didn’t
She wanted it all, so many others
More than just me
She believed sharing was in fact caring

Leaving her was unbearable
She had broken me down so far
I had no choice but to leave
She gave me no other option

Then I met him.

He held me as I cried for her
Listened to my heart ache for her
He healed a part of me
Trusted me
He needed me
He loved me

But still I loved her
That is what I believed
I believed I couldn’t love again
I was wrong

She doesn’t even realize loving her
Cost me the greatest love of my life.
He was the best thing I never knew I had
Because I loved her
I lost him.

Each other's safe place.
Chained together
One soul that dwells in two bodies.
That's what we use to say.
Destined to find each other over and over never knowing why God or whatever higher being is up there
Why they put us in each other's paths.

Lessons learned
Messing up was something I was used to
Sometimes to find yourself
You have to lose you

You would tell me to roll with the punches
You'd say we can't change fate
We accept it.
We adapt to it.
We conquer it
Cannot change what the world throws at us.

I use to believe our love had purpose,
Over coming everything.
The worst people for each other in the best possible way
Always putting the other above anything else.
Pedestal.
That's what you put me on.

The only love I new that pure.
Then maybe, maybe I just made you up
A figment of my imagination
I created in my head what I needed so badly
Because there was no way
No way someone that actually felt our love could walk away from it
But you did
You ran
You were real
And you ran

I can still feel the heat your finger tips could create against my skin
When my insides burned and threatened to explode out of me, the thin frail skin that covered my body failing to contain my agony, my self hate.

I couldn't see what you once saw in me
Not with you gone.
You weren't there, not anymore.
Not here sewing up my wounds,
lightly tracing my scars with your fingers reassuring me they would not give way again.

I was worthy of something
Love, your love.
Not anymore
You promised me.
You swore eternity to me.
Placing my mind, heart and soul into you.
Like a story I heard but didn’t actually live.

Now all I can remember is the way you left.
The exact day you left.
I remember the air leaving me.
But my lungs did not give way.

I remember the day I realized you would not be coming back.
I could feel my legs shaking and my knees splintering from the weight you left behind.
I did not break.

The day I screamed out for you to hold my stitches together, knowing for sure my pieces could not stay whole for one more second.
I did not shatter.
I held strong.

My body twisting.
Small strips of my flesh slowly drifting down.
I began to change like the chameleon you taught me to be.

Roll with the punches
That's what you said right?
Roll
Roll
Roll

The day finally came that my heart recognized sadness
more than any other emotion.
Listening to my heart.
My eyes obeyed and closed to the brightness of the colors around me.
Darkening

Realizing it could never love again.
Shutting out all the light it once held in. Finally closing the door on any hope that I scratched, fingers bleeding to hold on to. Dissipated.

The numbness of what emptiness truly is, took over.
No longer sober
Each strand of my body breaking down.
I learned the lesson you so gracefully tried to teach me all those years ago.