At the end of it all,
no matter how many good days,
bad days,
amazing days.
Everything will always be tainted.
No matter how many other words you fix to me,
Wife, mother, lover,
Almost will always follow,
hiding in the shadows.
I will always be,
the girl you almost loved
more than anything.
The woman who almost,
meant the world to you.
The thing you almost,
attached yourself to.
The person you almost let in.
The one who almost got picked.
But barriers run deep and long,
You pick your priorities,
and I convince myself what I can live with.
You dig both of our graves.
Because you,
You will always be the man,
I almost completely forgave.
The man I almost believed.
The man who almost convinced me
of how much they loved me.
The one who almost showed me,
how true their love was.
And as the days go by,
the will turn to years,
and we will have a whole life,
built on the foundation of almosts.

More time.
More effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
Your feelings?
Irrelevant.
Your personal life?
Nonexistent.
*** in seat.
Blurry face.
Say nothing.
Be nobody.
Make less than everybody else.
Sell your soul.
What you do is important.
If you don't do it, someone else will.

Why is it,
that I only crave you
when I'm ****** up?
So high, you're the
only thing I can see.
Blitzed out of my
******* mind,
so my world revolves
solely around you.
Can't sleep and
my head is
filled with thoughts
of you.
Touch me, feel me,
need me.
Take me all the way up,
until I come down,
and see the real you.

Do you love me?
Eagerly, all-consuming?
Do you crave my touch?
Dream of my kiss?
Do you whisper my name?
When you’re alone?
In hopes I’ll show up?
Could you survive inside?
Without me?
Or do you love me lightly?
Do I make a pretty center-piece?
To your life?
Does my food taste good?
Do I feel warm?
Am I home every night?
Am I welcoming?
A comfortable place?
To lay your head?

Every night you lay down beside me,
I tuck you in, cover you up.
Do you need anything?
How about some water, are you thirsty?
Some nights you let me drift off peacefully,
You rub my back, play with my hair.
Some nights you keep me up,
Whispering secrets to me as the hours go by.
I tell you my hopes and dreams.
They always make you giggle.
I tell you about a new boy,
You tell me I'll never be good enough
for a good man.
You tell me that if I keep dating guys that hurt me,
I can't hurt them.
I tell you I want to help people,
You ask what I ever did for you.
I ask you to leave,
Please go to the closet where
everyone else's skeletons live.
But you take my hand and pull
me back into bed with you.
The worst of lovers.
You wrap your arms around me,
Tell me it'll be okay,
Tell me you'll always be there,
You'll never leave me,
I'll never have to be alone.
I give in to you, I succumb,
I know no other way.
And then,
Just so I don't forget who I am,
You look me dead in my eyes
As you pop another one,
You're my favorite destruction you tell me,
And I cry myself to sleep.

The idea that something good was only one magic step away.
The idea that some things never change, and the hope that some do.
The idea that love is hard, but *******, the reward.
The idea that someone's skin can be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and to touch it is the idea of human comfort.
Here's to feelings that we thought were lost, only to be found, and lost again.
Here's to the child-like wonder that come from discovering love for the first time in a long time.
Here's to the idea of believing in the blonde boy more than I've ever believed in anything.
Here's to the idea that it doesn't matter how you get to Sunday, as long as you get there.
The idea that the only thing the soul needs at the end of every day is just to laugh.
The idea that people can sweep you away, just like a hurricane, the prettiest natural disaster ever seen.
Here's to all the secret stolen moments that didn't belong to us in the first place, but we're made ours.
Here's to all the nights where the only thing that mattered is the emotion that overwhelmed us.
Here's to late night car rides filled with music that was everything to us.
Here's to the morning where we weren't fully awake yet, but still found each other's company.
Here's to the idea that love would outlive us all.
Here's to all the moments where anger should've been squashed and hearts should've healed.
Here's to all the harsh words that were never meant.
Here's to waking up and finding a way to fall in love all over again, everyday.
2017 was filled with the regret that kindness and understanding did not prevail over everything.
But how can you really regret a year filled with the idea of love in the air and feet ***** with adventure.

And for 2018, the idea that love comes, and is not required to stay. But we are made of pure Earth with hearts that come from the cosmos, and there are things inside of us that will always outlast time.
The idea of giving your heart, completely recklessly, with no abandon, even if it's only just once. The notion that someone will come and when they do, they can have everything and you will hold nothing back.

Everyday I watch,
my eyes filled with silent horror.
I watch myself become
smaller and smaller.
All by your hands.
I beg,
to be heard, to be understood.
To be treated kindly.
I beg,
for you to see the hurt,
the destruction written all over my face.
I beg for you to love me,
to keep me safe, to protect me.
And everyday,
things don't change.
And I beg for help from my new position,
closer to the edge.

Come here,
let our eyes meet.
Come here,
watch me drink you in.
Come here,
let me feel your face.
Come here,
watch me grab your hair.
Come here,
let your lips and my lips
become good friends.
Come here,
watch my mouth kiss the tattoos
that decorate your body.
Come here,
let me show you where your
fingers fit.
Come here,
watch the affect you have on me.
Come here,
let me position my body
underneath yours.
Come here,
watch you enter me.

There you are,
Standing before me,
Glowing in the moonlight.
You take my hands,
Stained with the smell of **** and peanut butter.
Lift them to your face,
You kiss them.
I shiver.
You kiss me.
I melt.
Your hands reach around me.
Tender and soft and longing.
These hands,
Will not be forgotten.

You call, I answer.
I know what you want.
You come and we sneak upstairs.
Children seeking shelter in the night.
You kiss me.
And I smell it on your breath.
You hands find their way
Underneath my clothes.
And I sense it in your clumsiness.
We undress and you stumble.
You find me through your drug induced haze.
We lay together and you don't say much.
Sleep finds you.
And I find myself,
Crying on your shoulder.
Wondering why we have such different
ideas on what it means to feel alive.

Pull your skirt down,
Pull your shirt up.
Don't ask for it.
Keep your mouth shut,
Not too many opinions.
Don't ask for it.
Cut your music down,
Play something softer.
Don't ask for it.
Don't wear red lipstick,
How about pink instead?
Don't ask for it.
You can't say that,
Those aren't appropriate words for women.
Don't ask for it.
Have more self-respect,
You can't post that.
Don't ask for it.
You can't smoke that,
Put that bottle down.
Don't ask for it.
You can't be friends with her,
They call her a ****.
Don't ask for it.
Don't sleep with that guy.
Don't be seen with this one.
Don't ask for it.

Tell me who you are.
Tell me what makes you tick.
Do you like the sound of rain?
Or do you prefer the sun?
Do you eat dessert for breakfast?
Or breakfast for dinner?
Is coffee what you crave in the morning?
Or is your first thought a nicotine fix?
Do you sleep peacefully?
Or do you lay awake tormented?
Do your skeletons dance in the closet?
Or do ghosts hide under your bed?
Do you prefer the storm?
Or revel in the stars?
What do you need to get through your day?
And do you think I could ever be one of those things?

My tears flow like rain.
Sobs to match the sound
of a tin roof.
A tsunami of salt-mixed water.
You came.
A hurricane of destruction passing through.
Then, you were gone.
A whisper on the wind.
Gone, gone again.
And my rain will fall.
Until new spring comes.
I am reborn.

Why do you run?
That's what they ask.
Everyone's favorite question.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing, I say.
Things don't work out as expected.
Best laid plans go south.
I find unhappiness.
Or it finds me.
Permeates everywhere I look.
Sweet words dissipate.  
Bad moods prevail.
Harsh words, hurt feelings.
Fear of who they are now.
So I run.
To find that happy feeling again.
To chase my next high.
The next thing to make me feel good.
My next source of pleasure.
So even now,
I continue running.

My life, a mess.
My soul,
tired.
I long for a place.
Where my mind can rest.
I can repaint my walls.
Open up my windows,
sunshine for the first time.
Lay it's metaphorical feet up.
Life fueled by understanding.
Open ears, ready to listen.
Late nights, real dinners, warm fires.
Unpack my baggage
and call it home.

Tell me,
That at the end of the day,
After all the adventures have been had.
You've seen the world's offerings.
You are old and so am I.
Our youth worn away.
Our feet black with the ashes of roads traveled,
Our fingers tired from grabbing
at things we could never reach.
The universe had it's laugh,
And we had our fun.
We'll come exhausted.
And our souls will meet at the front door.
Anxious and happy.
We'll rest and reminisce.
Until it's all over
The last flower blooms,
and the last leaf falls.

Can I be?
Your today, your tomorrow, and all of your yesterdays.
Will you take me where you go?
Can I be?
Your favorite photo,
The one you feel compelled to stop and stare at,
Every time you walk by.
Can I be?
Your first thought in the morning,
Drink me with your cup of coffee.
Breathe me in with your cigarette.
Your last thought at night,
The peaceful thing that drives you to sleep.
Can I also be,
All the thoughts in between.
Can I be?
Your favorite prayer,
The one thing you really hoped for.
Can I be?
Your favorite demon.
Ready to dance with you in happy, hot bliss.

Do you know me at all?
Do you know what I've seen,
Where my mind goes when it drifts off?
Off, off, off
Until it falls right off the Earth.
Favorite song,
The one I sing to break my heart
Over and over again.
Favorite movie,
That always excites my personality.
Favorite book,
That always leaves me inspired and craving life.
What brings tears to my eyes?
What gives me the warm, fuzzy feelings.
Am I just a toy to you?
New and shiny, for the moment?
Until I'm thrown into a corner.
With all of your discarded things,
thought, and feelings.
Left to collect your dust.

And here we go again,
I fell down, down, down
Down into that mysterious hole.
Where I always find you waiting.
Waiting to take my hand.
And **** me up all over again.
Would it make you sick to your stomach
To know?
Or some sort of twisted amusement?
Everything is an illusion.
My words, coy.
My actions,
An unintentional game.
With a prize I'll never win.

What do you see when you close your eyes?
What do you dream?
Where does your heart go?
Do you see her?
Standing on the beach,
Wet feet and sandy hair.
Do you see her,
Sitting at a table,
In your favorite restaurant.
Eating your favorite meal.
Do you see her,
Sleeping in your bed,
Peacefully and steady.
Or do you see me?
Broken and drenched.
Heart and feet in a puddle,
Ready to be your favorite ****-up.
Nothing special, nothing new,
And probably nothing good.
But ready to worship at your feet,
Once again.

Can you feel it?
Do you know?
It's all for you.
All of it.
All of the words
that have ever come from me.
No matter the space or time.
At the end of the day,
they all belong to you.
Tell me darling,
do you even know?

Why do you not care?
Care that your harsh words rip me to shreds
Care that your looks make me feel ashamed of who I am
Care that your silence makes my head scream with sad thoughts
And my heart shatter like glass at my feet
Care that your inability to acknowledge the ways you hurt me never want to speak again
Care that you don't have to tear me down anymore
Because I'm already whittled away into nothing
Pretty soon I'll be dead inside,
Unreachable
I'll be a mute
My thoughts and feelings will be heard no more
My silence deafening
I wonder,
Will you care then?

What would you do if we disappeared together,
into a bed.
Where no one would miss us.
Where your sweet kisses could
meet my mornings.
Where my lazy days could
meet your fingers.
And we could fall into love over and over again.

Would you notice if I disappeared?
Piece by piece slipped away
Until there was nothing left
Would you feel it in your bones
Would there be some type of cosmic tipoff
Or would my ceasing go unnoticed by you?

Do you wanna make love?
Do you wanna make me?
Or do you wanna make both?
Do you want to love me emotionally?
Do you want to sing happy songs to my dark parts?
Do you want to kiss me long and lazy?
Do you want to take my burdens with every blanket you wrap me up in?
Do you want to play with me in front of the open window because we're shameless?
Do you want to tell me stories to soothe my soul?
Do you want to **** me while the rain comes down all around us?
Tell me, do you?