Falling in love feels a lot like falling apart and falling together over and over again

Everything I touch seems to hold a memory of something I've done wrong
Keeping it locked inside until It sees an opportunity to punish me
I used to think maybe I was cursed
Cursed to live my life always fixing one problem or grieving or healing a forever broken heart
Exhausted I struggle to face the next month knowing another trauma is short awaited
I want to wrap myself in bubble wrap and wait out this wave but I know I can't

I'm not greedy
I'm not indecisive
I'm not a ****
I'm not loose with my heart and my mind and my body
Denial is a wooden box I locked myself into at night to quiet the voices that cut me down and let me pretend I wasn't what I thought I was
the wooden box that kept my heart from feeling for more than one face
who are you to tell me who I am and what I love
and who are you to tell me my heart is wrong
I'm not unlovable but **** am I so tired of feeling like I will never be good enough for you who loves one face and not another
I am so tired of being too straight for a girl but too gay for a man and anything outside that box
I am enough and I have nothing more to prove.

There was a time in my life where I denied who I was
As we grow we strip parts of ourselves away and put different pieces back together
Different skins and faces and depths of ourselves get changed as we face new challenges
But for me when I was young I saw a part I wanted to keep
A part I felt would make an important staple piece of what made me who I was throughout the changes that would come
After a while I think it weighed me down and I couldn't be defiant and brave enough to be wholeheartedly myself anymore
So I pushed it back and put on a face I knew would be acceptable
I think I'm slowly finding that part again
Maybe this time I can be brave enough to keep my head held high

I called you blue haired boy because it made you a fantasy to me
It made it impossible for you to hurt me when you didn't have a name
But eventually I gave you a name
And you hurt me
You taught me so much but I refuse to be grateful that I ever met you

You gave me just enough oxygen to light myself on fire

The way the lights illuminate your skin and that soft look in your eyes keeps me captive
The light reflects off your scattered imperfections that somehow manage to keep my breathe tight in my throat , caught in adoration
Who are you and why am I so so trapped in this feeling by you.

Fear.
I felt the fear rise like crashing waves and rebel against the thoughts inside my head
Butterflies.
Getting their guns and knives ready inside my stomach to slice and shoot their way out of the knots tying together inside
Anxiety
Gripping my heart tight in its iron grip.
squeezing,
Squeezing ,
Squeezing
And curiosity shyly inching through all this rebellion happening inside my body to see what all the fuss is about
And you
Standing there watching me with that tilt to your mouth and those eyes screaming mischief
Completely oblivious to this war inside my body that you bring with you when you come my way.

What are we doing?
Our words are growing quieter
Our touches strained
Our hearts building a small wall each day
Hurting it's hands pushing the bricks and material together without us even knowing
Why are we here?
It's like there's something in our minds still fighting tooth and nail for a war nobody believes in anymore and our bodies are just following along
Maybe it's time this war came to an end
I don't think either of us want to deal with the casualties of our love dying along with our hope

Loving you is like holding a dandelion in a storm
I cup my hands and try to keep you safe
The wind takes pieces of you away from me with every gentle breathe
Until there is simply nothing left to hold onto

Why are you in my head so much?
It's like the thought of you is a constant loop like a ****** song I cant quite shake
After a while I wish id never heard that **** song
I wish id never turned on my ******* radio and oh i swear i wish id never looked at you twice
I wish you had of just kept walking that day
because I don't want a stupid song on a loop in my head
I want to be happy

You spun a web that worked for you and I was simply a bug caught up
Wrapped in this
Waiting for you to deliver the final blow

It causes controversy doesn't it?
Admitting that maybe you really aren't all that happy
"Don't say that"
"Don't be silly"
"that's too dark to talk about"
But I'm hollow
I have these moments where I almost feel so full and overwhelmed and so carved out and hollow all at once
like there cant possibly be life pumping through my body
why must we always be so bright when sometimes we feel like a dark faded light bulb flickering as it goes out
Maybe I'm okay but oh sometimes
sometimes I'm anything but okay
And sometimes all we need is hope

I lost my best friend recently
It's been months and I can't think of it without the pain in my chest becoming too loud to think over
He was only here for a small part of my life but I was all he knew
A pet became family and a protecter and someone that will stick with me for the rest of my life
I should have spoiled him more
Taken the time even on bad days to give him attention
Did I appreciate him enough?  
He loved me unconditionally despite all my flaws and I wish I had that back every day
I love you and will never forget you

You make my heart beat
like a drum echoing in a
darkened hallway

The panic is inching up my throat and through my limbs
Slowly spreading cold and leaden
Why is the clock moving so fast?
Like its trying to outrun memories
I'm almost frozen by my resistence to blink for fear I might miss everything
Time has never felt so against me than when I'm truly happy

I think I'm just a little bit scared right now
Everything feels so comfortable so fast with you
Do I have a right to feel this safe?
So happy?
Why does it worry me so?

I think I lost myself along the way
I spent so long putting you back together that I somehow missed that I was taking bits of myself to fill in your cracks
What is holding me together?
I simply don't know anymore

Lately I've been struggling
I got kicked and the rest of the world took it as an opportunity to pile on
I see my chance to take a breath
I pull the air hard into my lungs
I don't get the chance to exhale before I get kicked again
It becomes a cycle I try so hard to break free from
What did I do wrong?  Why can't I get a break?
I don't know how many more times I can take the kick before I stop taking that chance to breathe again

I can taste you on my lips like liquor
Shooting the feeling of heavy and smooth straight into my blood

In the spur of the moment you throw out words like weapons that make me feel like a raw nerve exposed

We sat on the porch while the evening sped up around us.  
Keeping our hands and hearts warm with a nostalgic mix of hot chocolate and secrets.
Your expression suddenly changed and I felt a cold sweat break out once I recognized the emotion speeding past your face.  
The small distance between us held everything we weren't ready to say.  So we sat in silence letting the wave of restrained hope for the future wash over us.

There's so much I want to say to you.
Where would I start?
You played with feelings that weren't yours to play with
You put thoughts in my head that had no place there
You put holes in a heart that wasn't beating for you
What gave you the right to make me feel so secure?

Today you pulled me into you and pressed your mouth softly against my head
Your hands warm and solid against my back
Your laugh cut through my chest and I fell in love with you
I don't think I'll ever tell you but it scares me
I want to tell you to jump with me
That you'll be okay with yourself and it's okay to find that happiness in yourself while you find it with me
But I can't push this
I wish you could see what I do
But for now I'll love you and let you give yourself what you need
It's a shame for now that isn't going to be me

I sit by your side and feel the creep of panic set it
I can feel myself getting distracted and feeling more than I should
More than I'm allowed
I try desperately to push it down
Pretend my heart is cold
I seem to forget that you aren't an option
You don't want this
Want me
My silly heart is going to shatter me and I can't seem to stop it

I'm sitting in my kitchen
It's dark and I feel alone
You're in my bed so close but I feel so disconnected to your sleeping mind right now
Do you think about everything I think about?
What could be or how it could fall apart?
How your fingers don't touch me the same way theirs do?
Or how your voice brings calm to my mind like nobody else could
You might be my happy place and I hope it doesn't scare you
I wish I knew what you thought about this
About us
Maybe one day you'll tell me

You touch my body without seeing my mind
You look in my eyes but you don't know what they tell you
And maybe that's okay
Maybe I don't need you to know me
Maybe I just need you to be with me in this dark hour when the only noise is our breath between us

We spent a night together and I thought you could understand my mind and see things the way I do
But when we shared our memories you were focused on how my soft lips parted and how I felt in your hands
How I came apart and how my skin glistened in sweat
I'm not sure if I should be as dissapointed as I am but I thought I had a partner in crime that saw the world the same
I was clearly wrong

I couldn't quite figure out the way she looked at me
She touches my lips and looks at me in what looks like wonder
Like she's trying to figure out how my pieces go together
Like she's trying to pull me apart and put me together
I've never met someone that made me feel so broken apart and so whole all at the same time

I search for a connection in everyone I touch
I haven't quite met my twin flame but under the surface of your skin I feel a unique warmth that makes me wanna stay and see the layers of you unfold
Maybe you'll teach me something I have yet to know

I tilt my face up and let the moon reflect against my skin
I dare you to break me

You're in my bed counting sheep
Blissfully unaware that my mind is pulling apart my thoughts and stitching them back together over and over
What if this is one sided?
Am I in this feeling alone?
I know you'll eventually make your way out of this and move on to the next
But what if you feel this too?

When you're with me all I think about is you
How you touch me
How you taste
Your sweet words comforting me and softening my chest
But when you're gone my mind pulls it all apart
Tearing the memory apart until I'm sure I was in it alone

I like how you make me see things
Because of you a flower isn't a simple item on the ground
A flower becomes petals with roots that hold years of secrets and memories and life so easily overlooked

Its been years and I can't put my trust back together yet
You aren't him
Why can I not go on a date without painting you all the same?
Cheaters
It hurts most when I'm alone and the air around me is silent and cold and I wish I could see someone as a possibility to be happy instead of the weapon to cause me harm

You took yourself away from us at such a young age
I hate growing up when we were supposed to do this together
You were the half of me I needed as badly as air
You were the part of me I needed at every milestone
And you couldn't handle the pain life inflicted on you despite all the good
I'm mad at you and I can't even tell you

Bit by bit you blew on my trust like a dandelion.
Pieces broken off and taken away by the soft flowing wind to an unknown destination.

You don't get to see it but nobody gets the me that you get. You bring the calm to my chaos and soften my rough edges. God knows I have a lot of rough edges. You cushion my steel spine and break the glass covering my heart. I wonder if you know how much power you have over me.

I think I love you
I'm trying to go on dates and make a connection but when the evening turns cold and our laughs grow quiet it leaves me feeling hollow and low
Because it doesn't compare to you
We fit and I don't know how to shake that

I feel a small lit candle burning in my chest growing into a fireplace built up by Wood and bark and feeling's too hot to keep in a jar

You have stars in your hair that make me wish I'd spent more time looking at the sky

Your roots are taking shape
Shooting into the ground and forming a solid foundation with so much strength and love it's shattering
So what do you do?
Do you water the plant?
Or leave it to die?

I put so much faith in you. After so long of protecting my heart I opened up the dusty long forgotten part of myself and showed you how I work. I fell for you hard and you discarded me like I was worth so little to you. All the whispered words that made me feel so important to you and made me feel safe were a lie. Lies that fell so easily from your lips that built up something big inside of me.

It'd be nice to be someone's first for once
Unrequited feelings are an unwelcome whirlwind that seems to escape the ability to prepare for it
I didn't prepare for you to know me like this
I still have so much I could show you

Being with you is like trying to thread a string through a needle
I'm not quite sure it fits

I know you're going to break my heart
I can see it inevitably as a fast speeding train heading for a wall and sorely lacking a break to stop it.

There's something that happens when we're together. Like a magnet I can't seem to pull away from.
My hands find you in every darkened corner, seeking your touch.  Being close to you builds this small cabin inside of my body next to a fireplace keeping me warm and safe.

Poetry isn't often born from a happy soul
But the taste of your lips keeps strings of words flowing through my mind
Endless
I could write sonnets about your deep dimples
Taste your lips for weeks on mine
Feel the warmth of your hands long after you're gone
My reckless anxiety calms at the thought of your breath in my ear
With you things are good again

I feel like I'm seeing your petals being crushed and I'm stuck on the side immobile
Unable to save you from plucking the petals off of yourself as if that will save you from that chest squeezing pain inside of you
You can't dig your way to your core and ease the ache and all I want is to lift you off the cold hard ground and help you take root.
Let me be your soil.

You get me wrapped up in this feeling that this is important
That this is something good
And then she messages you at 2am when you're wrapped in my arms and it reminds me
I don't get to have you
This is simply a shared release that leaves me bare and tender