6 months of writer block
It didn’t go as planned
I’m back from the shadows
Did you miss me?

Someday I’ll savage my past and I won’t think someone loving me is a delicacy.
Someday I’ll realize I’m all I got.
Like on those days my lonely screams louder than your presence.
Like on that day I screamed for God to show me what he saw in me.
Like on this day where I wish you could’ve met me earlier.
You’d love that girl.
You’d love who she was.
But for now I’m all there is and the best it could ever get.

Daydreaming gives me joy, peace from the madness surrounding us.
I’d like to think there was hope.
Maybe there was joy in the way our world worked.
I daydream about the worst and that’s why it pains me to find joy in it.
I daydream I’m not chasing a dying age.
I daydream that maybe someday the words I tend to give you with this mind that often drifts gives you joy too.
I daydream I won’t be the only one daydreaming anymore.
And maybe. Maybe the world won’t seem so complex to a steady mind.

I like getting F’d up
Or maybe I’m just F’d up
I never thought about the simple things in life
I like when my mind roams
It’s like a field of blue roses with thorns that cut you by the glare
I never thought about the gentle things in life
I like when my toughness shows
It’s like a bee hive with thick honey
Guess who’s the Queen?

I always liked attention.
Intimate attention.
Acknowledge me attention.
Maybe I lacked self appreciation.
Maybe I lacked the attention.
I always liked you.
The not so funny you.
The save me you.
Maybe you lacked me.
Maybe you lacked attention.

I told myself I liked peace
but the chaos is exhilarating.
I run from problems to let the animosity build.
I keep quiet to infuriate.
I plant myself in equations where my presence isn’t wanted.
Anger fuels the quiet
Words drench the flames

My mom once asked me what was I looking for.
Like a librarian on her best days with a book worm ready to be dug out.
A question I’ve asked myself endless times.
Though I couldn’t answer, she understood.
I am missing nothing
Neglected of nothing
But I kept searching for more in the form of lust.
Putting myself through an endless cycle and wondering why I kept cushioning  the ground.
Why must we seek pleasure to feel whole?
You lack nothing physical nor dimensional.
I can’t answer because I’m still writing my personal bible with empty verses.
I’m still learning how to communicate my souls language
I’m still learning how to listen to the strength of my hearts voice
And I’m still learning how to increase the volume on my brains soft whisper
Ask me again tomorrow....

To some I was a blessing, to some I was a lesson.
I’ve dealt with my past traumas and manifested myself to the person I’ve wanted to be.
I’ve faltered and stumbled along my journey
But, this isn’t just for me.
This is a verse for Us.
The confused.
The misunderstood.
The hopeless lover.
The nay sayers and The not so fortunate.
Break boundaries with your grace.
**** rocks and put bricks in the hospital.
Protect the inevitable and pray for the hostile.
The less never fails and the more never rejoices.

I saw the way your expression would change when I would talk about a ****** act I’ve committed.

You wanted me pure
You wanted me whole

Hearing the ring in my ears when you’d speak of how many girls souls you’ve laid to rest.

How they were propped up and popped open.

I was next,
But something told me not to be another victim.

How he cut them open and dug them out like cantaloupes.

He dug into genesis and didn’t know he killed creation with every lick.

He committed genocide with no remorse
And wiped it off as satisfaction.

We were gold
We weren’t just regular art
We were a masterpiece
We made records with the way our words sung to one another
We were movie stars in our own film, Hollywood couldn’t contain us
We were myths and fairytales that no one believed in
Now we are just ordinary people,
More none believers

The Masterpiece you see in me is not the Masterpiece within me.
The wet paint still dripping off the sides of my insides.
The painting with an unknown artist is still unfinished.
The Masterpiece you say you see within me is just a fake painting covering this almost dry paint.
The painting with no meaning behind it.
This almost dry paint will forever stain my walls.
This almost dry paint will make this unfinished painting something of the past.
Past my dry paint looking back on my stained walls will only stain my memories.
Telling me that this Masterpiece inside is only a stained wall of me.

I’ve always been a loner.
Nonconformist.
Condoner of my own space.
                         ~
Don’t pry my doors and expect my walls not to quiver

The world has messed up now. You can’t put the art of God in the hands of politicians and call it divine rights.

I apologize to my penetrated ****** for whom I rubbed and finger ****** to the comfort of others.

Why did you choose me?
My body surrenders to this fragile state
I am water compared to your silhouette, to your fire
I drip, slip and drown from the waves crashing over me
The ocean cannot contain gasoline because once lit the flames won't melt me they'll ignite me

She threw herself to the wolves like a piece of meat.
ready to be devoured but not quite ready to be everyone's lunch
see, she lost herself and respect went with it.
she went from the desired, to the unwanted, to the leftovers.
No one eats leftovers, it and she is like toxic waste.
The ones before got the better version.
The starved stuck around eager to feast on what's left.

He's a broken toy.
Tired of being kicked to the side for a new experience
Tired of the wheels falling off only for him to repair himself
The engine won't start anymore, the gas tank is empty
He's living inside out with his emotions
He is broken and that is okay
He is lost and that is okay
The broken have a special place in the Universe

Once made of stone is now glitter
They hardened your reality
But your shine made them falter

They say Capricorns are fearless but also reckless.

We're fearless because we have this idea that the earth works on its own. What is to happen will.
Yet...
We are reckless when it comes to the heart. There's this visual of this perfect love that we seem to think is capable with every intimate soul we meet. When that is not the love we intend to require we drop everything and run.

Our sanity and peace of mind means more than others. Not to be absurd but we are disturbingly at peace with ourselves and that balance is to precious to be broken.

Because I don't think you understand, we are the constellation of determination yet ambition. We are magical yet a majestic sign. We dance like lilies and communicate like lovers at 2am. We are dangerous because we know the balance but simply don't care.
We can't wreck what was never there
We can't fear what we can't see

I always seem to place myself in your hands like a porcelain doll.
Ready to be placed on a wooden shelf.
But your hands always wither to the touch of my glass skin.
I am real to most but when it comes to you I am a rose petal ready to be plucked to see if you "like me, like me not"
But that shelf has become molded overtime and the cracks on my glass skin have begun to show.
Your hands are not my sanctuary anymore. You left me alone and on display except for when you needed me.
Except for when that curiosity in your mind said "grab her"
But she is not yours anymore
Her glass skin has become more human by the day. Until suddenly she stood by herself and walked away.
Ready to be her own sanctuary .

My temporary love...
Here now, gone forever
We are temporary and the love you feel temporarily will fade
Like mist on a Sunday morning
Dreaming of an everlasting peace will leave you forever in a cacoon.
Let your temporary love bloom until it's to ripe to right your life.

She wrapped herself in confidence and wore beauty like a ribbon. She is a present and the world is her eager child.

She was fully clothed but they still found a way to
Sexualize her
Generalize her
And make her feel uncomfortable with every step she took

Ultimately, I love me more.
I'll no longer blame myself for my own disappointment. I'll cherish me more for the perseverance of me.

I feel like I'm competing for your love. But, you know I hate to lose and right now I'm in last place. I'm running out of breath trying to stay in sight. I'm beginning to feel like a burden in the race, to your life and to your face. I fell way to hard but you didn't catch me. Let me drown in my sorrows for another day.
While you live your best life knowing you broke me again tomorrow.

He was a smooth criminal.
Smooth to the touch, rough with the heart.
His body screamed thief in the way he walked, talked, and kissed.
His lips grazed mine.
He kissed me everything but gave me nothing.
He walked with the grace of Angel's.
Talked like he befriended God.
By the time I noticed he stole everything, he was gone.
My heart ached, my body cried, and my mind was in disbelief.
He took me and ran.

My heart longed for something unreal.
My body craved something inhumane.
In the midst of the desire
I felt nothing
But my veins leaked tears, my bones gave out, and my lungs caved in.
My body weaped in pain and all I did was call out for you.
I broke me in looking for you to be my superman.
...
That name I called was not yours.
It was my own
My body wept for me to be my own salvation
But the coward in me fled
The last thing I called out for was neither you or me but,
Mercy

Beauty is present but the soul isn't.
You speak with golden specks on your tongue.
You walk with the grace of doves.
Your laugh is like the morning sun.
But yet you still fall short where love doesn't manage.
You quiver to the thought of happiness and cringe at the sight of laughter.
They all scream
"you're a diamond in the rough."
But what is jelewry when it's not sought after and what is art when it's admired by all but one?
You're aware of the power you carry, the beauty you conceal.
The weapons your heart bares and the pain running through your veins.
They painted you a mural but they failed to read the description -
" commended by all, tamed by none."

Look at me so I can gaze into the past and fix the flaws
See me so I can mend what was left of that broken body
Touch me so I can surrender myself to this present heart
Release me so I can calm the storm in my future self

The constellations conceal what was once bright.
Everything once- thinkable has been taken away.
The sky consumes every animate object in sight.
The sun’s rays bring us back to life, only for the day.
Without the gas that shines so radiantly in the sky of the night.
What is life?
My pondering mind fills with haze.
Running to the sky to find what I once thought was consciousness.
The heavenly body that consumes me,
one day will be consumed by my eyes heavenly gaze.
                 Don’t stray my conscious mind
                 Don’t lose sight, for the sky knows all.