i always thought that love was an anchor
something that would ground me
and hold me down
but then i swam in the ocean
and i realized love is supposed to be the sea —
it’s not supposed to tie me down
but set me free

this feels bittersweet
you in my arms
half asleep
on top of your soft blue sheets
your breathing deep
i’ll be leaving
after a short sleep
but i know these memories
i will always keep

you’re sleeping
and i’ve been keeping
these secrets for as long as i can
i keep looking
keep searching
for a safe place where i can land
these days it seems like nobody can understand
and i’ll stop believing when i start feeling it;
sympathy
firsthand
normally i’d be safe
and feel like my place
is wherever i’m holding your hand
but it’s clear you want space
so i muffled my thoughts
by burying my head in the sand

your love didn’t chase the darkness away
but it kept it at bay
and that is more than i ever thought i’d say

apostrophes when she smiles
he’d been driving for miles
her smile in his head
like bumps in the road
too many things unsaid
and things spoken he couldn’t decode
but he thought of her instead
and the way her smile glowed

i have nothing to say
because it doesn’t feel okay
how am i supposed to hold you
when you’re a million miles away?

it’s 3am
and i’m drowning in my thoughts again

and then
all at once
every song
every poem
every book
every sunset
every beautiful part of nature  
every movie
everything
was about you

whenever i picture us together
i see us laying side-by side
holding hands
talking about dreams
and fears
talking about everything
and nothing at all
and i kiss the back of your hand
still in mine
and it’s dark
and i say your name
and we’re tired
and i think i’m falling in love
i tell you so

i have spent my whole life following close behind
matching my prints to the ones laid out in front of me
following them blindly without questioning where they lead
i try to keep my feet inside the the lines
like i’ve always done with coloring
but i’ve never fit perfectly
my feet never fit
because these prints are not mine

i don’t know what’s worse — too many thoughts thrashing around like a hurricane in my brain, or the still, eerie silence that comes after the rain

i didn’t realize i was


                                   s
                                     i
                                      n
                       ­                k
                                         i
                                          n
                   ­                         g


                                    ­             until i drowned

‪i wish i could sing ‬
‪so i can write you a song‬

‪i wish i could make art ‬
‪so i can paint you‬

‪i wish i had better handwriting‬
‪so i can write you a letter ‬

‪i wish i could drive‬
‪so i can show you the world ‬

‪i wish you knew what you mean to me‬

i wish i could show you how i feel

my chest expands
i breathe in deep
your breathing loud
in your sleep
i go to the roof
and take the leap
when you hear
the news
you’ll weep
soon i’ll be buried
six feet deep

i didn’t think i would survive
but now i realize that
after all of this existing
i'm not just alive
but living

this feeling is going to tear me apart
eat me alive
rip out my heart
and claw out my eyes

all these voices do is criticize
they tell me
i'm alone again

maybe this is how it ends

i'm just waiting to hear from my friends

before i go
i'll make amends
will all the loose
odds and ends

i was the sea
i shuddered and raged
i could not be tamed
and you were lost in me
trying to find your way back home
but i could never stand to be alone

                               i pulled you under

i have never been afraid of the dark
and i have always liked to be alone
never needed a light or a spark
the darkness is my home

i have lived a thousand lives
i will live a thousand more

i was a sailor
a fox
a tailor
an ox
a servant
a liar
a serpent
a dragon breathing fire

but no life will compare
to the one where you were mine

my wife
my breath
my life
my death

and now because of you
i’m always in a good mood
peanut butter and jelly is my favorite food
and i have a list of songs i want to listen to
when i’m feeling blue
because they remind me of you

i feel like i’m sleeping through my days
people are pulling me every which way
all i can do is follow along
not much longer now and i’ll be gone

i can't see a way out of the dark
all i need is a flicker
a glimmer
a spark

we're waiting to bloom
waiting to make plans
if everyone feels this way too
why does it seem like they don't understand?

all they do is relate and compare
and maybe they aren't completely aware
but it hurts just the same
cause i still feel the pain of it

i feel so alone
not even fully grown
but ready to make
a new house a home

3:30 alone in my bed
thinking over what i said
my thoughts on repeat
like a song i can’t skip
wondering if i’m gonna slip
up in the air
but somehow still on the ground
it doesn’t feel fair
seems like i’m bound
to **** it all up
no matter what i do
so why does it matter
what path i choose?
if i always come back to
“what the hell did i do?”
why does it matter
what path i choose?
all i seem to do
is lose
i always end up back here
all ******
and bruised

this seeems to be
the only path i choose

i've barely even grown up
hardly old enough to drink

still this liquor smells bitter
as i pour it down the sink

i've lost everything now
only been sober a week

i think of my words now
before i decide to speak

these bruises have healed
with the cut on my cheek

not sure where they came from
i still can't seem to think

my eyes keep dripping
like a sink with a leak

i can't hold back these tears
no matter how much i blink

all i want is to turn to
that smooth amber drink

her golden hair
and gingerbread stare
light a flare in my heart
and i fall apart
head over heels
this his how it feels
to be in love with a sunflower

my heart aches
for the friends i never had
the hands i never held
the oceans i never swam
the love i never felt
the food i never tasted
the clothes i never wore
the adventures i never went on
the risks i never took
for the life i never lived
and the person i never became

cinnamon
crisp pages of a new book
cider
crushed leaves
coffee and cream
cookies fresh from the oven
cement, damp after rain

the moonlight illuminated her face
it was in that moment i realized she could not be replaced
her eyelashes were wet but she stayed in my embrace
my sleeve brushed her cheek trying to erase her sadness
wider than outer space

but the next day she was gone
without a trace