Here splits the wings that flutter
Every situation butterflies,
Then I say I'm in control.
Ryan, hold the dice in your hand.
Ryan, let them go.
Do what the situation requires,
What if I just said no?
I'm just the backstage hand nobody knows.

They say I'm more than a paycheck,
But my only function is payment.
How much do you make?
How much is your worth?
The statements feel interchangable
Go back to work, don't dream in the wake.
Have a nice day, the smile is fake.

All the pretty things around me
Remind me, I'm nothing,
I don't want your attention
Just use my life as a lesson

It's pretty crazy thinking like this,
It's pretty amazing the words that were writ
In my hand, without command, lands with
People across the world, similar souls,
Similar goals, I'm looking for peace.
Searching for depressive thoughts to release.
I show them a Hydra living inside,
They show me beasts of similar size.
Similar minds pretending everything is fine,
But if this hurt is so common, why do we hide?
Embarrassed admission will eat us alive.

When all the lights fly out
From the insects we use to collect,
Staying up under a tree with an old wooden swing
Pushing higher to see if you could project
Yourself over the branches above.
Telling me someday you'd escape
As you pulled the lid away
Watching those neon colors go up.

In the blink of an eye,
We became the adults we tried
So hard not to become.
Pretending as children we knew our futures,
Fabricating ideas, really we had none.

As we got older and distant,
I sit under this tree and miss
The person who sat next to me.
As the wind blows cold air,
A rickety swing moves slow
Almost knowing I wish you were here.

There's an old rundown street
Where Bentley and Copeland road meet.
The pavement is pretty worn and cracked,
Even the weeds avoid there to grow
If a ball rolls down it, the kids turn back
Afraid they might be trapped in that unknown.
There's houses on each side with numbers
Left to wonder who put them up
A rumor spread they'll never tear them down,
Just one day blown away in the dust.

Isn't it funny that we judge a horror movie
For walking into darkness, given the choices,
I bet you'd do the same,
Curiosity starting to build in your brain.
Ok, let's take a walk.

With a step and a slap on the ground
The air seems more still here, every sound amplified.
Every window tinted as the sun shines
But just as every hair starts to stand straight
Your stomach jumps making your head feel weak.
It's mid-day but somehow feels late
You may realize, it's just like every other street.

It's getting worse. Breath.
I don't want to speak. Breath.
They don't know and I can't say
My body is becoming weak. Breath.
It doesn't help to speak out,
No, keep calm, don't freak now.

In a second, my head goes light
In a minute, my insides go tight
Keep it chill like venom fangs
Don't run your brain into worst scenario
You're alright, you're going to be okay.
Swallow deep, throat walls inflamed.
Breathing but, barely though.
Get the steroids deployed.
Adrenaline gives time but doesn't destroy.

In case of emergency, call my contacts.
Where's my mom at? Benadryl 50 mgs on stat!
Heart racing, eyes dielating,
Mind orchestrating scenes of death waiting,
Body shaking, veins pulsating.
I'm alive ******. I made it.

Where's your home, kid?
I don't know, man, where do I live?
Where do I have a place to breath?
Out here staring at the trees
And they're telling me I should leave.
Maybe they're right, in hindsight,
Maybe I'm not right.

Sleep on a couch, sleep in a car
Somewhere in there, I lost who I am,
Somewhere in there, I lost what we are.
Staring at the sun, staring up at the stars
If I just run I don't know how far.
How many steps until I'm just numb?
Cooked to bone because people like me
Don't get finished, we get done.

Follow a dream, lose everyone.

You don't need a tall tower
With staircases twisting  for miles
Or cameras watching at every hour
Making sure you stay idle
To lock someone off and away,
Give all the fake freedom
Keeping them closely at bay
Hand them beautiful desires
With no emotion behind them,
Learning nothing gold can stay.

Hand off lots of paints and pens
Let them fall in love with an art
Then call it waste restricting passion.
Build them up to be flawless,
Put later to a mirror, showing hardness
In their weight, their love, their soul.
Treated like puzzles stealing just a piece
So they may never feel whole.

You don't need a cage to hold a prisoner
Not a single iron bar is needed
Just strip them of their worth
Until they sit stoic and defeated.

I grew up in a small town just like you,
Wandering the streets with nothing to do.
We had dreams of beautiful chaos
Only stopping to laugh off our lives,
Don't talk about the issues that keep us up at night,
Standing broken but whole in the right light,
Standing whole seen through broken eyes.

Remember the times we hit the highway
Flying fast, transitioning from the 81 to 80
Hoping we might just run out of gas
Giving us a reason to not turn back,
While listening to all the anthems
That made us miss a childhood we never had.
With tears in your eyes,
you turned the music down low
Meeting your solemn gaze
You begged me not to take you home.

I grew up in a small town just like you
Until the night we didn't turn around
In search of something new

I've had a cut in my brain for a while,
Put a bandage on it but words still leak out
Drew some scars on my side
So I've got some phantom pain now
I might be a spaz, working really fast
"I wish I had an ounce of your energy"
Once that wish was granted,
They might see that they can't stand it,
I can't sit still, I can't just chill.
Even when my body is in stasis,
My heart is racing, my mind is chasing
Like kids playing games in a school yard
Then I just runoff like a sentence
But I never get too...

Far from perfect but worth a second glance
Adrenaline pumping, I'm on my twenty something chance
I've been dancing with the devil
And I could swear I saw Goodie Proctor there
I put my pedal to the metal,
Hit a witch switch and blew off the witch's hat
Then jumped through the golden vase.
Getting jiggy in my own craft.

I'm glad I have today,
I would love to see tomorrow too
Every day is someone's last
I just hope it's not me, or you.

Words cut deep, I'm told
From that appearance, I'm holding hot steel
Against your throat made of pure gold.
Sinking into soft metals deep cuts,
Swift ****** and twist up to unjust
They must want to see themselves implode
While i blow off four bullets at once
Like Bayonetta, I bust guns from my heels.
The scrawny white guy with a case of the feels
But if you look into my eyes,
Behind the blinds, you'll see my mind
Spinning thoughts like a reel 2 reel.

I'm a professional at wordplay,
A mercenary looking to slay any hate
Like corn, I stalk, until I can pop up from the wait.
In vegetables, I'm non-gmo, every word homegrown
With organic tones that could never be cloned.
A smile like a crocodile, no gators,
Notice my behavior, look at my toothy grin,
Luring all the little fishes in.

Don't try to bludgeon me with bludgers
I'm a beater beating back every slugger,
While you waffle with a quaffle
Gluing my head on straight so it won't topple
In a brothel of a world,
Everyone seems to look for a temporary fix
I want to keep it a hundred fifty,
Shining golden like a snitch

Listen to a million songs telling me what I can be
Listen to a million people telling me what I can't be
Spent my childhood with a suffocated flame
Until I broke those chains, now I can breath
But I can't leave this place until I've lifted every stone
Still afraid of what might turn up
I've been corrupted, pushed until erupted
Blowing up like heavens and hells  collide
Not in real forms, here I welcome you to my mind.

There is no peace in this place, like the one outside it too
In this Mudville, Casey has a home run long overdue.
In a cuckoo's nest, I can't imagine how many flew
I'm continuing to write down my tracks, as always,
For myself. Im hoping they may help you too.

Battling blocks that writers rarely talk about
Falling stagnant with a pen
If I did something outside of this,
Imagine all the hours I could spend
Not riddling my upper rattle
Prattling  on about things most will never read
Listening to a million songs telling me what I can be
Now all I can do is just believe

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor,
Eyes closed, head low
Drowning in so much emotion,
No one knows.
They say that i should just be strong
Looking at my tired arms
My atlas bent from trying to push on
And i lack the mental prowess to carry on.
As my hand reaches to grip the pencil tip,
I write my own swan song.
I write my own swan song

I'm a ******, I'm the oddball
My style defiles piles of pop culture ads
While I bounce off these rubber walls
With a hamster running in my head,
Until around two a.m. he goes to bed
Typing a tapestry of insanity
Pouring all the demons from my edeitic memory
Blaming the insecurities on my pedigree
Then destroy all the evil like a heroic entity.

I keep peace without a peacekeeper
I fight reapers hissing like creepers
In a secret lair, Kronk pull the le-ver,
Slashing male stereotypes, aren't I cleaver?
You wouldn't want to try to battle my wits
You'd ball your fists, I'd spit at you, sir
And let my vernacular blast your brains
This isn't a Robert Frost work, stay in your lane.

You'd take the path less traveled,
I'd pound the ground until the earth unraveled
Leaving nothing but the gravel to grovel
Like a duck without grapes you should waddle,
I drink coffee by the hoddle,
Never stuck in stop or stall, keep it rolling,
I'm a Katamari, oddball.

I spent so long climbing that hillside
Just to see a mountain range

As the world would sleep,
This darkness starts to bleed
I only leave a light on
Just to see the shadows on the walls
And even as the moon was gone
I wondered if I was here at all.
Staying up through the night
Just to see the sun shine
While sitting on this rooftop all alone.

You can taste the cold air
Doing spins around your being
Speeding quick like it didn't belong there,
Ascending leaves to perform tricks
Then falling below because this
Was only the practice show
Only the wind and I would come to know.
In those still minutes, anything could exist
Then drift into the afterglow.

As the world would sleep,
In witching hours, where the wicked saw no rest.
For the others, slumber would always creep.
But me, I would dance until no energy was left
With my legs giving out to fall.
Looking back at a dancing shadow on the wall.

The thoughts I jot are for my own being,
The ones I show are for you to know
You are not alone.
My brain feels like it's being pulled, in two.
The pain is dull but growing, emotionless.
My hair's a mess as always shown.
I'm not together, it's for the better,
Forward the letters, leave the keys.
I wish I was holding worth for someone to see.
The looking glass shows my real imagery.

If this is a standoff in my own,
Each side isn't bluffing
As the tumbleweeds go drifting by
We both have guns to be blown.
We say ten steps but only take five
Lying to ourselves to make the other die.
Then the dust settles to show nothing
Just a Russian roulette suicide
But the barrel was empty
Too much of a coward to really try.

Haven't you taken enough?
It will never be enough

Pack up the tree before Christmas
I won't need it this year, that's clear.
No tidings, no big wishes,
Santa isn't coming or Saint Nicholas.
Watch a virtual fireplace to escape
The silence, crackling fake firewood.
I couldn't hear sleigh bells,
Milk and cookies, they aren't laid out
Carolers caroling please just stay out.

I won't be home this Christmas,
I don't know what home is right now,
So how am I suppose to decorate with holly,
Play that part and feel all jolly,
Push the feelings down, wear this smile around
Listening to the cheery sounds
But I'm not feeling cheery now.

I'm not stalling, you get it from the words I've shown
This Christmas, I'll spend alone

He's been down for a couple years
An understatement, he had downed a couple beers
He strolled into the usual place around two,
Saw a new face ******* pop as he sat down
Waving to the crew, sitting at his bar stool.
He liked to talk of the past when he was low,
Lend him an ear and he'd let you know.

A second drink, but each was ordered double,
In came the usual young couple,
He knew the young man pretty well,
A new girl a week as far as he could tell.
He played the first date lines many times,
Memorized compatible astrological signs.
The girl seemed nervous, heart in race
Should he tell her, her date's a snake?
It probably wasn't his place.
Another empty glass to waste.

This place was home to his homeless world,
The same men squabbling in quarrells,
The same broken parents trying to raise
A child in the life he'd come to know a maze
Lost men and women feeling down,
He took his drink to numb the sound.
As the stranger at the table stood to go,
He wondered if this was a face he'd come to know.

I murdered my mattress with a clean shot,
Left my dreams in a vacant lot
And told them reality would dig their plot.
The thoughts heighten, when I'm enlightened
Feeling like I'm close to fame
But even if everyone looked up to me
I would still hate myself all the same.
Forget the money, it does mean nothing.
I'd rather pour it down the drain.
I'm not winning if this life is a game.

I'm tired,
I'm tired of working a dead end position
I'm tired of phone calls that ring until I listen
A smile that while looks good on my face,
I feel eight hours a day, like a waste.
I'm bored, nothing arises,
The problems, nothing surprises.
Stuck here even as I write this.

At home, I wanted to be, the father my father wasn't to me
But how can I look any better
When all I was given were tattered genes.
To stand on a mountain and feel like a king
But it's raining outside,
The mountains are starting to sink.

I've got a pocket full of tomorrows
In a pair of jeans with a rip
They only trickle out so when asked for time to borrow
I don't mind stopping even a little bit.
They tell me the stress of a job
Is worth a barely liveable wage
Something tells me I'm being robbed
Too tired to even sit and write a page.
Talking to myself as a child about the real
He says I shouldn't shake a hand on such a raw deal.

The same kid dreaming of a Tall-tale Town,
With a train blowing up cotton candy clouds,
I bet most people don't remember that now
Writing in physics class about a nonphysical town.
Now I write to slow time to think myself whole,
Time just being the distance over the speed
Sitting light years away, letting my story unfold
Until I drag myself back down to take the lead.
The stories may appear to some eyes with less fantasy
But I keep trying to write lines that defy gravity

There's a world out there flowing through the moon and sun
I won't stop dreaming until that world is done

The first time I picked up a pen was for you,
They said I should write you a letter,
I did you one better
And sculpted my life in poem,
Wrote down my pains so you'd know them.
and sometimes you push "like".

I wonder if they have a plan for me,
I bet they thought I'd make big change
Instead of spending my time dancing in the rain.
They probably had a career in mind
With a golden etched name plate
Let me write their map and see
If I have the steps straight.

Go to school and get good grades
To pay a lot to school some more
To jump out into a world they didn't prepare me for.
Nobody wants my degree, the market's flooding.
It's not about what I know, who I know is no one.
Remember you're doing this for the money,
You're doing this for the security
And they're ready to own you for it.

It's like seeing a sign that says chips for shots
I'd rather hold my pride than give in to a drop
I'd help break the bar for that kind of dealing
It just shows how quick heroes turn to villains
Depending the eyes you see through
In the distance of all of that chaos
There's a voice in the back of my head yelling,
"Just be you"

Tomorrow is an average day to most people,
tomorrow is the last day for a few people,
tomorrow is the first day for a few people.
Isn't that amazing.

I don't understand the want
For an absent parent's pride
I'd rather plot and plan with the one whose been at my side.
You can't be proud of trees you didn't grow
While you were off sowing oats
I was sowing stories as a way to cope
"Ryan, understand it's a mutual hate"
I've rerun that line in my mind a couple times
Then realized even your explanations are fake.
In my court, you hold no water
you should do what you do best
And don't bother, I'm proud of me.

All the kids who use to mock me in school
Use the same lame names for every kid
Cheers to Matthew, they called me Harry Potter too
I guess we just stupified them with creativity
Only to see those people grow to be losers for their longevity
While we can turn this water to ***
They still sit stunned.
Give me my cape back, I'm not done.

They tell you not to conform
Then they fight you until you make your own lane
Im playing the same game you chose
But I'm button mashing Konami codes
Until I can make a march of fifty men
Let's hear the backlash of my actions then
All the sudden it's silence until they all cheer
While I'm doing my own, everyone is living in fear
Am I the only one really living here?

Start existing outside of yourself,
Take a breath until the stress melts
You can't change the world in a single rotation
But you can change someone's life today,
I get a lot of nodding in affirmation
But when the train comes, they still sit at the station.
I understand the comfort zone, the bubble,
The look the other way from trouble
Billions of super hero fans standing,
I'm writing in hopes of a vigilante.

Start loving the person you are,
Forget the money, the job, the constant distraction.
Remember the kid you were, in a blur,
Now an adult being, trapped with morals
A fraction of the child you think back on.
You're never too far gone to retrace steps
All the amazing things you once thought,
They never disappeared, you just left,
Wondering if you've come back yet.

Start being.
Whatever you are or aren't
Aspire for greatness in whatever,
Even if that greatness is smiling for a minute,
Be in that minute and make it real,
Live to feel happiness and sorrow
And continue that existence into tomorrow.
I'm not looking to preach or teach
I just miss seeing emotion as I walk down the street
With a face in a phone and text in a speech.

Are you reading this?
Is it loud enough to reach you there?
What time is it? It's getting pretty dark here.
The stars are bright but there's clouds tonight,
Small talk all about the weather,
Only lacking something better to say.
There's so much more to say.

Keep it simple, good morning.
Take a picture of all the surroundings
Show me your day, show me your world,
The things that make you tick,
The ones nobody sees but secretly,
They really mean everything.
The stuff that makes you smile without trying,
The dreams you're on while I'm writing,
Show me that world.

Tell me all the things you think,
The thoughts you hold back
because someone might laugh.
Someone might cut you off
While you're sinking your soul into a thought.
I won't interrupt, tell me all of it, I insist.
I wonder, if you're reading this.

Grab my hand for a minute,
I'm ready to rip you into my element.
You want to dance, here's a chance,
Sweep the bones from the floor
Skeletons galore, oh I'm sorry.
You don't want to be here anymore?
That's a shame I locked the door
Lit the fire at my very core.
Welcome to my mental house
Let's venture in a little more.

Look at the walls, they're crumbling
Look down the hall, more nothing.
My head is busting, imagination rusting,
Haven't been dusting, confidence mistrusting.
I tell myself that I can make it
But every part of my life, I fake it.
Stuck in work, passion unawakened.
Oh wait, it's this talk, let's inflate it:
"It's really great you still write, Ryan.
I truly mean it, I don't read it.
I'm glad you're still trying after a decade,
Still laying your soul for all to see,
You must really believe in that hobby
I'd have been stopping a long time ago
Anyway, that's great for you."
Thanks for the encouragement, ******* too.

Let's go to my bedroom where the day starts
I've spent most my time in this part
Too angry at the cards birth dealt
Every day I wake up seeing that hearse
Feeling cursed, suffocation hurts,
Couldn't swallow so I thirst.
Get the adrenaline pen again,
Inject, inject, keep it flowing,
Keep him going, blue skin showing,
No one knowing that mental tolling
Like the tides I just keep flowing.

I get a queer eye for trying to help,
Most get their rocks off for hurting someone else.
I'm a ***** up, so I recognize that pain
But I'm looking to help others from going insane.
I'm not narcissistic, more masochistic,
Self-sadistic, lost myself, where is it?
No one wants to stay and play
So I guess I'll just keep this house locked away.

I've been driving down the same streets
Been tapping my foot to the same beat
I don't know, friend, maybe it's just me but,
Every path that I lead,
Every place I go and then leave,
It all feels the same, the players don't change.
Doesn't it seem strange?
They've been mapping out my path since first grade.
They had a plan for me before I even played.
No?

I've been driving down the streets I paved,
Take a look at my world, friend,
Everything you see, I made.
I don't not believe in some force of fate
But nothing ever changed for people
Stuck living in a wait.
While the players never seem to change,
Look deep inside my eyes, I've changed.
While they give reasons in comfort to stay,
I'm ready for a new game to play.

If you neglect all the perspective,
You neglect your potential.
Staring down at my tip-less pencil
"You're broken and useless"
Sharpen your image and mind
And let's do this.
Look into the looking glass, take a breath,
Looking back at a beautiful mess.

The prettiest smiles
Have the most broken minds
I say this as I keep my grin wide
I say this as I tie my tie
Looking into the mirror asking who am I
As if I have some truth to find
Just a guy who learned to write,
Searching for something that feels right
While I type on a screen I hold tenaciously
Thinking of the next line too long
The screen decides to turn off
Then it's me staring back at me
But in blackened version barely seen.

I stare at stars and wonder who's looking too
Reflecting light from me back to you
That's a lengthy light-year way to say
We are connected everyday.
It's chilly making bones brittle
Flicking my wrist to crack a little
I should really make my way to fire
Just a spark, the flames crack and spittle
Turning ablaze to something to admire.

The hardest nightmares
Can lead to the most beautiful dreams
I think this when my head screams.
Something wonderful awaits in time
Retracing my soul in every line
Searching for myself to find
I'm just a human with a creative mind.

I'm sick of you, you shackle me
Metal teeth that lock still laughing
But don't break, it's unsafe, you see
Have to take this thing to hell and back,
Its dangerous, they do insist.
I'm chained to you like a sick Saw game
With a rusty blade, I cut right through.
Only to still have you glued.
Right here.

When your limbs did break,
I would push them back if still attached
That double latch that wouldn't clasp,
My fingers couldn't bend like that.
Call some help, a medic stat!
Forceps push into a snap.

Now that I have you mine again,
I want to rip you right off and then
Show them I can live without your chains
Tell them I could find a better way.
I'll show you just to leave you in this grave I made.
You aren't my demon but I still want you slain.

I want to write you something perfect
For every perfect moment you gave me.
You helped me everytime I was down,
Just you and I with music cranked loud.
You were worth every dollar I gave you,
You were worth all the grief you gave me.

Do you remember when we got high
At a dead end street in a development?
Do you remember when we felt low,
Rolled down all the windows,
And sang so loud that the people would stare.
It feels like we were always in a rush,
You were the reason I stopped taking
That toxic number four bus,
It made me so sick, I would get in the door,
And just throw up.

You were the wingman no one noticed,
You were the therapy I never went to,
All the loses and victories, you were there.
Every obstacle I ever pushed passed,
Everytime I felt like a failure,
Putting my head on your dash.
All the nights I laid out with you
Just watching the stars and moon.
Although it's been more than a decade,
With you, it still feels too soon

For all that's ever gone wrong
For all the times my life was a mess
I swear I forget how much I'm blessed
It's amazing that I'm still here breathing,
My kid knows my face and follows my name
I have a wife who loves me and a place of my own
I don't question the place I call home
And I'm reminded daily I'm never alone
This life is a struggle and I do gamble with death
And even if the weather chills my bones
I can still see my breath
So that must count for something.
Nothing can mean nothing, right?

I have a couple friends that I rarely talk to at all
Society tries to tell you there's no problem money can't solve
I watch parents dope kids with pills for being kids
The same ones who grow and don't know how to live
We like to blame problems on all but ourselves
But when we run out of blame who does that help?
Life is a game and those are the cards you're dealt
Go big or go home but leave the porch light on
Because you may return like an old song

You think I've never been broke,
Think I've been over my head unable to cope?
You aren't unique in your struggle
But no one is talking so you sit puzzled
Like everyone has all the pieces, you're stuck with no thesis
What would happen if we really took off fake faces
And stopped taking blue pills, stuck in a matrix
Most hands aren't royal flushes and aces
You sit steady bluffing with a confident stare
While no one around even has a pair.
"How are you?" They ask, you open your mouth,
Take a deep breath and ready to unwind,
Try to speak then smile and say "I'm fine"

Lately, my body has felt like a ghost town,
People use to intersect in my lanes,
Nobody has been coming around
And nothing is being maintained.

The old saloon is only making noise
From a ghost piano they left employed,
Destroyed are the shops and homes,
The streets bleed cracks and potholes
Where they say if you put your ear to the ground
You can hear someone around the world
Whispering a gentle "hello".

As the sun bleeds through at high noon,
Two old cowboys appear in standoff
Inside me, they tell eachother count to three.
Softly they count but both react at two,
The first puts a gun to his temple to squeeze,
The other puts a knife to his wrist to bleed.
Both have a clear intention to destroy,
Ignored in this heat, no one makes a sound
Stuck in standstill in this bodied ghost town.

Laying up late, flipping through magazines,
Look at these beautiful people,
The bodies of angels who deserve to be seen,
Reading articles, thinking one day,
That could be me.
I just need to lose this waste of flesh, of fat,
Looking into a mirror of everything I hate.
Models can do it, they aren't just built like that.
Thinking one day, that could be me.

I'll skip lunch for a week, just speak
As if I'd eaten a lot before
No one will question me, I'm sure.
I'm quiet regardless, I started cutting down
On the other meals as they come around.
I've been a little dizzy and lightheaded
But I already lost 20 pounds,
One day I'll be beautiful,
Standing over a speechless crowd.

People are starting to take notice,
I'm nervous, making excuses.
I eat here and there so they know I've had enough
Then slip off to get it back up.
My chest hurts a little but I can reach my goal,
To be like the beautiful people, I would sell my soul
Even if I had to starve myself whole.

Twenty seven club is coming up
I'd worry they'd take me out
But fame isn't looking to erupt.
I'm just the one who kept breathing fine,
Walked out of the hospital too many times,
Too many times.
What's the point, I'm searching for purpose
I'm looking for someone to say that I'm not worthless
Stuck pouring from a mangled mind.

I drink too much caffeine,
Keep wearing my skin so thin
They wonder where my bones have been.
Here's my thoughts I jot to sleep
Here's the beep that wakes when morning creeps.
****, my mind's a cloud in weightless air,
Floating up to know why I'm here.

They want a story, here's a life
Pull back my layers and read the chapters
The television pollutes the ones it captures
They asked where's the rapture?
Sir, we are our own rapture.
Look at the mess we left after.
Leave this mess for a generation after.

Too Much Caffeine in the Poetry

My brain feels spun,
The other kids are having fun.
I'm not sure what direction I'm on.
Should I be playing, slaying, laying down
I don't let the ground hold me up.
I sip apple juice from a Lego cup
Then let my thoughts erupt.
Blow off my mind, it's dusty
But I'll be a quick spitter like Rusty
The pinch hitter who lost the game
Still dancing all the same.
Oh and you just lost the game.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.
The engines are not starting,
The cylinders should be firing
Though now expiring, into nothing.
It's not snow, it's just a dusting.
I have a two, a five, a seven, jack and queen,
In other words, I am absolutely bluffing.
The suit does not match the shoes that
I wore to score a date too late.
Miss Cinderella it's half past eight
And those glass shoes are positively fake.

Today I wrote nothing,
Mistrusted my hand to stand on it's own
But Mr. Right, I was wrong.
You need to leave the page alone.
Today, I drank a drink that made me think
I'd never stop the twitching hop
My mind had surely bled
And left this mess before I went to bed.

I don't have much family that's real,
We don't need many seats to all share a meal.
I play like I'm angry at my father but honestly,
Always just disappointed he didn't want me.
That does lead to anger,
Push away everyone when I'm in danger.
That does lead to a feeling of failure,
Because all my pride, all the demons I hide
Come out from the closet,
I ask them to slow up so they play possum
But only for a moment to surprise.

I have a crumbling support system,
No one wants my issues,
So I just smile big when I'm with them.
Dismiss myself because I don't want my issues.
I burn myself out like Roy Mustang
Blind to the world lighting Lust up in flames.
Created from stone at the start
Stuck a homunculus looking for a heart.

In person, I laugh it off like a clown
In these pages, I tell all my internal sounds.

These are the things I think of when my eyes close:
I see a place where everything stands still,
A room full of thoughts that can ****,
Repeat the ding from brown noise,
Ping and clang keeping my mind going,
Words blowing through my brain
Like gusts just kicking up dust
For the sake of knowing they exist,
I need to attach life support back on my wrist
The chain strains and the clasp splits
You can't make sense of half of it
But if ever I wrote a line and you loved it
Then I guess it was worth all the rest.

What if I went back to school?
What if I barely see my family?
What if I don't really make it out ahead?
What if tomorrow I go to bed,
Then I just never wake up again?
What if I was happy with my life now
And everyone else who's got a problem
Can just turn their back and back down.
Okay, Ryan, relax it's just a suggestion.
The 502nd sheep just jumped over a fence
Then I cut off my mind from reflection.

It's okay to have bad days and feel good,
It's okay to have good days and feel bad.
You won't find all the answers
In the words written by someone else.
But in days of feeling lost they can help.
I'm a significant nothing in a grand scheme
Looking up to a sky wondering what it all means
I'm something to a few, I'm something to me
It's okay if I'm nothing to you.
I'm just a face in an ever passing crowd,
Hey it's getting late, may I sleep now?

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
You should not be sorry that you are.
I apologise unapologetically for well...
For the nothingness of everything,
For the dead who truly lived,
For the living living dead.
For the glass half full I drank,
For the glass half empty I will have drunk
For all the things I wrote
And those ones I simply had thunk.
I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
I hope you don't accept.

Start introductions with respect
And let the response be a guide to how you proceed.
Don't judge people by their appearance,
I've met some of the most honest people without a penny to their name
And some of the most crooked people dressed in suits with a firm handshake.
Try to go to sleep every night without anger
And wake up every morning the same.
Make time to do something you love
Between all the obligations you have to do.

Learn a little about a lot of religions,
You might realize everyone is searching the same.
There is enough hate in the world without
Racism, bigotry, or a non-violent personal choice.
Don't worry about everyone else
Or you may lose sight of yourself.
Try to adapt with the world around you
But know when to hold your ground
Because some convictions aren't worth breaking
While others only exist like worn grooves.

Do something nice with no expectation
For your own personal being.
If you have the opportunity to pay life forward
You may be in a better position than the one you helped
And you are owed nothing for being kind.

It's okay to take advice from strangers
But always take it with a grain of salt
Because they are not in your same position
And you are not in their position either.

There's wind in your sails, son
But there is sin lurking in the waters
This ice might freeze your veins
When you're on high tides with just a dream,
Whether it's smooth sails or drowned on a rock bed
Remember to always keep a level head.
Most of those speeding bullets are flying depressed
What if the fame of their mental unrest
Continues to grow and the crowd following
Is the food making the illness continue to manifest?

I'm paying to make the warm days stay cool
I'm paying to make the cold days warm
And I keep my cool because it's out of my hands
All I can do is fix it or buy it brand new
Until I come to that day when these cards all come due
I feel lost because I work to eat Ramen as fuel
That's just being dramatic, I eat because I like it too.
But I wish people were more honest about these feelings
Instead of the fake smile, fake "great" chat.
Shake their hand never knowing the weight on their back
Let's be real, this is exactly where I'm at:

I put down the pen for a month to be a work slave
That doesn't mean I don't crave to jot these thoughts
It means I don't hold the energy for me
I spend my free time pulling grey hair looking at the dark circles
That I wave to in a mirror fogged up when I breathe
"How can I help you and how am I wrong?"
A professional drug dealer, a professional nothing.
Think I'm important? I think you'd replace me like nothing.
A Russian roulette and not a single chamber is bluffing.
I put down this pen for ***** scraps of parchment
That a man used to get synthetic numbness sent
Through his veins and I miss that idiot some days.
And I'm sorry. Man, I'm sorry.

What is a poet?
You're looking at me with eyes like I know,
Don't ask me, ask the kid who wrote,
He would tell you he just wanted to cope.
Raised in a place that only grew mold
So he closed his eyes and dreamed of gold,
He closed his eyes and made empty pages whole.
That's the only way I learned to grow.

Dad split, mom had to work late,
Dealing with a mental hell from everything I ate.
I found an outlet before it was too late.
The lights don't stay on just because you pay the bills,
You have to maintain the structure to keep the build.
The world will function fine with your empty space
But there will always be a person who will miss your face.

What is a poet? Don't look to me.
I was just a troubled kid in need.
I only penned up a pad to let it spill,
Outside of these walls, I don't say how I feel.
Let the ink bleed then let it be done,
What is a poet? Certainly, that can be anyone.

They didn't give you feet
To try to fit in shoes tied too tight
Looking at a blank page,
Only reading what others write.
This is your world, don't waste it
Trying to be something your not
We have enough flocks, beeping in unison robots.
Even as I write words I feel as generic as my past self

"Let me guess, Ryan, every person has potential?
It's easy to write the next poem using a stencil
Of the last fifteen years of your life, right?
Or maybe tell me about your father again
And block him from reading it like the chicken **** you are
No matter how many demons battled, you don't ever win.
Until you start to man up or even in these puddles you'll be a drowner"
But here I still stand a loner, lacking a fan base
Lacking a realistic view of life, still a closet I rarely face
"Another lost case, wearing that victimized millennial cap"
But I'm trying to fight a system while most these kids nap
I'm sick of defending myself to my mind, I'm furious
"Then maybe you should take more than writing serious"

They didn't give me this mind
To pull my skull into a head case
Look at this page full of ink drained
Stained only on what I'm writing
Turning my back on a world too wasted
With people faker than the flavors they're tasting
We have enough flocks, none I'm ready to flock to
Even as I write these words I feel as generic as my past self

We hide in the saddest places
Because no one looks there,
Under the stones that have been left alone
Never to be unturned, I've learned
Its better to never open the bottle
They'd rather I wallow in waste
Because that makes me convenient, that's fair.
I'm the substitute even in the stories I write
So why would any other have any other sight?
Isnt that right, Claire?

Its easy to dance like no one is watching
When you know no one is watching.
Where's the auction I turn back on my body
The auctioneer is stuck, no one's wanting
The ghosts populate my cranium space,
The poltergeists are not done haunting
I want to taste real emotion instead of taunting,
I'm just a host for a past still walking.

They ask for real answers but my written tongue
Can spread darkness like cancer,
Can give hope to the hopeless
But some don't know what hope is
Can give hope to the hopeless
But maybe you noticed, now I'm the hopeless

This is a story, they say I'm a character.
Can you tell me the ending, I'm asking
Because I don't know where I'm going,
Are we just simply showing an adventure?
One man's struggle left unmentioned,
Always seen blurry due to the world's hurry.

Is this it? Existing in the subtitles,
I thought I was surviving to perform accolades.
Instead, I feel mostly in the way
While they perform accolades.
I don't want to pass away but,
Why did you keep me here?
Just for everyone to pass my way?
I was built for greatness, I know it.
I feel it like you feel the wind blowing.
If I'm a character, show me what path to take!
No? It's three a.m. I lay awake,
Hoping for anything to say.

This is a story, anyone have an ear for lending?
I know the truth but, I won't ruin the ending.

We walked out into the quiet night,
Down the streets we knew
Following the dim streetlights
Seeing the shadows cast that grew.
Turning corners to a darkened place
Turn back, as your heart begins to race?
No, we have to walk straight through.

We walked onto a road of dirt,
Where the trees hung at each side
Feeling the trail beneath our feet
The ground worked from each car that had passed by.
It was calm, only nature making noise
Only thoughts to keep us company
Where nothing need be said
We walked without society talking in our heads.

We walked to the edge of the earth that night,
Looking out into the outer space
How small we seemed to it all
A couple people lost in hate and waste.
But if we could change something,
As small as the world made it seem,
To someone it may mean everything

I did it, I wrote the best piece ever
Looking over the art my head made.

Rereading.
It's a very good poem of self-expression

Rereading.
I mean, the scheme is a little off
It sort of captures my essence.

Rereading.
It's average at its finest
I really don't like the style.

Rereading.
These words don't even fit me
They don't have meaning at all.

Rereading, deleting,
An empty page is all they saw.

Tell them a story kid,
Show them a world brand new
Or a looking glass unseen
Show them the world as you see it
Stuck in the middle of life
Like the lie you believe in.
I've seen my spirit drop my body
Then pull back yelling "I'm not leaving"
People want your blood like vampires
And they can have it when I retire
Until that day, I'll battle these demons.

Don't get lost in a good book
Or some poem by a written no one
Go outside and look at the clouds
see what others still haven't found
Lay down, like a child, right on the ground
And count the cars as they pass
Not with your eyes, just wait for the sound
You know, I used to, how about you?

I bet there's an old shop you remember
All remodeled and renewed,
If you could have it back, what would you do?
Lost some friends and family?
I've lost those too, trade it all away
For an hour or two, catch up for a minute
To tell them about life, where you've gotten in it.
And in times your memory of them fades
I'm certain they feel the same way.

I could use a drugged out fantasy
Where the walls dance in my head
A little hit of ecstacy so I might fade in bed
Maybe I can take a drag and forgot the cares
Waking sober and everything is still there.
Can I get by for one more night,
Can I be high on life?
It's going to be alright
If we can just take flight.

A bit of ******* to a dull brain
Getting ****** up in a blow
Nobody to say a word, only Washington knows.
Lost in the flow of the words as they slip
Drifting off the tip of my tongue
Sliding smooth out of my lips,
Can you taste the potent drips,
Can you go a little more numb?

I'm sure everything will pass,
Passing the time of one more night
Slipping, high on life,
Can we just be alright?