16
What's so great about growing up?
I want to live in Neverland forever
Forget about the stresses of every day life and college talk just stop
I'm counting down the hours til midnight and
The last hours I have of 15
Was it a good year?
Will 16 going on 17 Z be proud of this Z?
Memories flash and fade
15
Freshman in high school
I know who I am
Writing poetry day in and day out and
Finding solace in a community called Nerdfighteria
15
No friends in real life
But that's fine
Figuring out it is okay to be a listener in public instead of the talker
15
Reading books, breathing words
Content with life
and filling journals, too many to count
15
The fireworks boom
Smoke fills the air
Smiles on every face, lit up by the moon and colours radiating from the night sky
15
A blanket is wrapped around my shoulders
I'm trying to stay awake for the last minutes of
15
but my eyelids are heavy
Time glides swifter than the boats on Lake Washington
Cheers go up
16 will be great

What happened a week ago
I’m still recovering
Some have told me I’m in mourning
when you lose something that was a part of you for so long
I feel like I’ve lost a limb or
a big chunk of my heart
what happened a week ago
friendships severed, felt like an amputation without the anesthesia
sawing and gnawing
whittle by whittle
the pain, never less than searing
what happened a week ago
I feel the phantom limb
I think it’s still there
I go to my inbox, check the chats, click one and
BOOM
shouting matches and f-bombs being dropped like the a-bomb on Hiroshima
my words, arrows dipped in poison
I flung everything I had
poured my chopped up heart onto a silver platter and let the blood drip drop for all to see
what happened a week ago
I said some things I shouldn’t have
I let my heart speak instead of my head
letting my anger and red flurries get the best of me
what happened a week ago
is an awful lot like what happened 11 years ago
I’m six years old
piecing together a puzzle of forgiveness
walking back to my room after a yelling match with my sister
I scribble I’m so sorry I got mad at you on the back of my homework
slide it under her door
and wait

her eyes are bloodshot and dried out
she hasn't blinked in hours
a screen flickers on and off
just as her mind floats in and out of consciousness

there's shadows on the ceilings
like ones she left behind in the city

she remembers a smile
and jolts upright in bed
there's a smile that haunts her

the sun rises in a couple hours
and she is still awake.

-rgp

don't tell her she'll be okay.

my fears outrun me
while i stumble over air
i keep tripping over
what isn’t even there.
-rgp

the moon
is a testament
to the idea that
something so heavy
and encircled by darkness
can still
bring
light.
-rgp

i'm not proud to say
i'm 85 lbs
that's not much of a girl
but i remember
when being 85 lbs
was all i ever wanted
when i craved a flat stomach
thin wrists
a gap between my thighs so wide
when i spent my days
filling my belly with water and air
taking lunches to school
but not eating them
instead tossing them in the trash because the smell of fresh fruit
made me sick
when i look in the mirror
i see the ghost and skeleton of a girl
who's in recovery
and i'm disgusted
85 lbs
is not much of a girl
i remember when all i wanted
was to be smaller, smaller
when i was 80 i wanted to be 75
75 wasn't enough so i kept purging til i hit 70
70 wasn't enough
65 wasn't enough
nothing would ever be enough
0 would never be enough
-10 would never be enough
i remember when they forced needles into my papery skin
i remember when 80 was enough for me to keep my life
and i remember
when i decided
i would always be enough

Airports
I never liked them
I never liked taking my shoes off to go through security
I never liked the crowded and sometimes cold atmosphere
I felt like a toy in a factory getting ready to get boxed and shipped out
Airports
But maybe I should
Like them
I'm sitting here in this terminal watching people rush past with their briefcases and screaming children
Where are you going?
Can I come too?
Where are you rushing off to and
Must you always rush?
Someone once said to try to find the quiet in an airport
I will try to find the quiet in an airport
Maybe I'll find it, maybe I won't
But quiet in an airport
What a concept
Airports
I'll find the quiet
Airports
Maybe I will like them

for the longest time i've been trying to figure out
what it is exactly that you see in me
i've been beating myself up over things you say are beautiful
don't fret, darling it will be okay
pain cannot be healed by four airless words
i wear labels because for some odd reason i like the way they look
you keep trying to peel them off
why do you keep believing in what society says is beautiful?
quit trying to change me i don't remember who that girl was stop it i'm not her anymore
you were never her but she is you and i love her. i love you
i am not beautiful
i am not whole
*no, you're you.

Dear Z
Oh Z, oh sweet Z
I’m supposed to be giving you advice, tell you what not to do, et cetera, et cetera
But I know the words written here
Won’t matter to you
Z, you were always such a strong minded girl
Do it your own way, don’t let anyone tell you what to do, keep pushing the boundaries if you can
You were never angry when you got grounded
Instead, a small part of you felt satisfied
Maybe it was the devil speaking, but you actually laughed when you got in trouble
I know, this is only one side of you, but I hope you gave the other sides a chance
I know how hard it is to let go of that stubborn, don’t give a **** about what people say attitude
Facade
Remember the girl you said you wanted to be?
The one who you were working on getting closer to?
She lit up rooms with the way she talked about poetry
She was so full of life
Z, be that girl, okay?
Let people get close to you, please don’t keep pushing them away
You know you need them and they’re always going to be there for you
I know it’s hard, so hard to ask for help
You’ll want to do it on your own
But Z, you know where that got you last time
So many “last times”
“next times”
How about Now?
Z,
Do you remember the nights when you got in your own head, trying to convince yourself you weren’t worth it?
Do you remember feeling so numb afterwards from reading the journal entries you wrote while sitting at the bottom of your man-made ocean of tears?
I want you to know that you’ve always been beautiful, but you’re the only one that has yet to realise that
I want you to know that you’ve got so much potential left in you
You’re always telling others
“Your fire’s only begun to burn brighter”
Z, YOUR fire’s only begun to burn brighter
Don’t stop, I hope you never stop trying to make peoples’ days better
I also hope you realise
How important you are
Dear Z
I want you to remember
Your past may have made you who you are today
I want you to remember
Your future is going to be great
Dear Z
I love who you are
Who you were
And who you have yet to be

i didn't mourn your death
i didn't cry, didn't scream
didn't **** the world or any god for taking you away

and then i remember
english class, we all had to memorize Atticus's speech
you know, the one in the courtroom where he defended Tom Robinson

and then i remember
that you sang about leaving us before any of us knew you were gone
ziggy stardust, i miss you

and then i remember
i'm 7, maybe 8 years old
you taught me what imagination meant, what i could do, what alternate universes i could create

and then i remember
you loved so much you died with a secret
as i grew, i learned how to understand you

and then i remember
the day purple rain meant a nation mourning in unity

and then i remember
your song was in shrek and i'm sorry but that association from my childhood never left me

and then i remember
the amount of pain you endured

and then i remember
i was 11, my brother was singing along to hotel california, introduced me to your band and pointed you out to me
"that's glenn frey he's the guitarist"

and then i remember
why this year has been such a dark one
so much of the light has vanished with you

and then i remember

i never gave myself a chance to mourn your death

-z.z

i am not bitter
i’m tired
of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded similarly with a name substituted in as allegations break

i am not privileged
to be tired of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded by way of another celebrity letting us down

i do not ignore
the bile headlines that sneak their way into my timelines
how can i?
but i am tired
of feeling let down

i am not blind
to the immense pain caused by a scream, silenced
but i am tired
of seeing the duct tape over her mouth

i wonder
if one day soon
i will no longer be bitter
or tired
of seeing headlines flood my timelines
worded by way of claiming
it was her fault

-rgp

what do you say in a traditional wedding toast?
I’m not a traditionalist
I’m a poet
I’m not too good at structured, sentimental texts
i speak in chopped verses so
here’s my non-traditional, non-structured, sentimental wedding toast
in verse

my memories
flash and fade quickly like lights flicker on and off
i'm toddling around the house right behind you
where are you going?
can i come too?

i'm barefoot in the driveway washing your car
you took pictures, no doubt laughing at the streaks we left on the windows because, shortness

i'm sitting on the bus rifling through your purse like the nosy little kid I am
you're chaperoning one of my school field trips
one of the aids asks if you're my mother
you chuckle and say "nope, i'm her sister"
i roll my eyes because isn't it obvious we're sisters?
okay, it wasn't obvious we're sisters

i'm bouncing down the hallway to your room
stopping suddenly at the sight of packing boxes
college
you're leaving me
"we'll be okay" you said
i believed you even though i could have sworn
i was losing my sister to the big city for good
we wrote letters
we skyped
we emailed
and i called you
so many times
we were okay

fifth grade, you bring a guy home
but not just any guy
i think we all knew this one was different
i saw it in your eyes
i was only 11 but i knew what love looked like

b, you always told me i was the wind beneath your wings
you can't break the bond of sisterhood
you just can't
but maybe the bonds will loosen
i thank you for the memories
they were fantastic and i'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for us
i'm thinking
babies would be nice
In time...

so my dear sister,
tell me how married life is
i hope this night was everything you always dreamed of

nick, you've got to be
the happiest guy in the world right now

i'm only 16 but i know what love looks like
it looks like his gaze on her glowing beauty
it looks like a promise of forevers proclaimed in front of loved ones
it looks like my sister
finding her other half
and my brother in law
finding his.

-rgp

she’s memorized numbers and held onto them like they are her lifeline
like the time she memorized the poem by edna st Vincent millay because it was the first piece of emotion that made her feel
but when she picks up the phone to press the keys with trembling fingers
the voices tell her
“no one wants to hear you complain about your oh-so-horrible life”
so she sets the phone down
and takes a shaky breath in
and a shaky breath out
oh its fine, I’m okay
that’s what she tells herself
when she’s too tired to fill up empty spaces with justifications and excuses and
the truth

here’s a quick note
to tell you i love you
i know you hurt us
but i forgive you
here’s a quick note
to tell you i’m sorry
i’m sorry that you left us
but i hope you got where you wanted to go
i remember the night you called and said
you weren’t coming back home
home
we all have different definitions of home and i guess
ours weren’t nearly as close as i thought
i hope you found the home you were looking for
here’s a quick note
to tell you my heart has healed and i’m ready to start over
i never stopped loving you
i don’t think i ever stopped loving you
here’s a quick note
to tell you i’m here now
i’m older and wiser and i understand
i know what happened
i know what happened
here’s a quick note
to tell you i missed you

beautiful girls do not know they are beautiful
they are told they are beautiful in phrases of objectification
a little girl will grow up thinking she has to give her beauty away to society
to the boys who want her to be a certain way
to her parents who want her to be opposite of what the boys want
to the other girls who want what she has, thinking her beauty is something of a secret
no one will tell her that her beauty is her own to keep for herself, to share with others when she wants
no one will tell her that she doesn't owe anybody anything
so she'll give it away

a little girl will grow up thinking she has to be worth something
that her value won't ever be enough
that she has to weigh this amount, wear these clothes, glop on that much makeup so her real face becomes paper thin underneath the mask of plaster she'll try to pass off as her real face, her real smile
she'll starve herself, she'll gorge herself, she'll look in the mirror with such disgust,
hating every flaw that was once unnoticeable to her untrained eyes
her eyes will become hawks hunting for prey of impurities
her body will become a battlefield
and there's a chance she might lose

girls grow up
thinking they are in debt
some girls grow up
knowing they don't owe anyone
anything
but most girls grow up
without knowing how beautiful they truly are

don't leave me alone at night
i cannot keep going into battle
i know you need to sleep
and i know you're tired of riding this rollercoaster with me
i know you don't want any of this
i get it
yet i still scream in the middle of the night
there's no one to console me
to tell me that it was just a nightmare
when you leave
i'll try and learn how to console myself
i hope that you will return because nothing makes me feel safer than being in your arms
i feel like a little girl who needs saving
and maybe i am
too hopeful that you'll always be my knight in shining armour
i refuse to believe it will ever dull
though i know in my heart it will
for now
let me be the little girl who needs saving
whose fears subside at the sound of a song
don't leave me alone at night
or at least when you leave
make sure you switch on the light

she told me to stop crying
i kind of said no
because the dams i had built were breaking
and i had to release the h2o

familiar faces
roadside challenges
laughter that never stops
we're following the stars around the world to the soundtrack of our childhoods in phrases of
remember when...?
remember when we were fearless?
remember when we didn't know who sang that song about the girl who would be loved but sang along at the top of our lungs because it didn't matter?
remember when we could fix broken friendships with rootbeer flavoured dum-dum lollipops?
remember when we were 14 and i made you call your crush?
remember how you cried into my arms when he didn't say "i love you" back and it felt like the world was spinning too quickly?
remember that summer when we jumped off that cliff?
remember that summer...
remember when
one day soon
we'll all have jobs
husbands
wives
children to look after
we'll say
Remember in college how we took that roadtrip right before graduation?
remember how we almost didn't make it back in time?
How many of us will remember in old age?
carpe
Carpe
Carpe diem,
he said to us
and we did
we seized the hell out of that day
CARPE DIEM!
we ran into the night, high on life, shouting
all for one and one for all!
CARPE DIEM, FOREVER!

i don’t know why they keep telling me
broken wings cannot fly
because i’ve seen more brokenness fill the skies
than wholeness every occupied
when feathers float tear soaked
feet push off of the ground
gravity has got nothing on me
i may be broken but i’m ******* free

vagrant lives she leads with fear
uncertainty tugs at her feet
at least, that’s what she thinks
the road calls her home
begs her to kick off her boots
and caress its trails with bare soles and a bare soul
the skies notes she hasn’t been around for months
that the sun missed her morning kisses
and the stars missed her guidance
and the moon missed her dancing
these days she’s as lost as the lives she’s supposedly guiding
trying to get them both up to a safe place again
so their souls can sing the songs their bodies once knew by memory
so her heart can start beating again

-rgp

I can’t count all the stars in the sky
because every time I try I stop to see if I can connect the dots to form something bigger that might have more meaning than
the number I stopped counting on
twenty seven
fourty two
seventy nine
eight
three
two
one
zero
When I was a little girl, my momma would sing me this rhyme
I see the moon and the moon sees me,
God bless the moon and God bless me
we’d look for the big dipper and think up a soup to serve to the man in the moon
I’d serve it to him and look for his smile
he’d tell me he loved it and as I fell asleep
I’d count the stars until Mr. Sandman took me away
Tonight, when I started counting
I thought I could see your face
And what a funny thought to think
because lately I’ve only seen you in dreams
you were sitting on the floor, playing with my clothes like you used to
Remember that?
you’d go through my closet and pull the pieces that I’ve kept around for ages
though they had their time long ago
you pranced around the room with every item on like you were the faerie godmother of the worst dressed
you topped the outfit off with the tutu I wore in my 3rd grade ballet recital
it didn’t matter that I loved that tutu more than anything in the world
or that you looked better in it than I ever did
it didn’t matter that the tutu was the brightest neon orange your eyes ever squinted at
you wore it with pride while I wore it because you told me to
it didn’t matter that at your funeral when everyone else placed their favorite baseball cards and caps in your casket, I plopped the tutu down at your waist
where it belonged
it didn’t matter that I had a fit when your mother said I couldn’t give you my tutu because it wasn’t who you were
it didn’t matter that you couldn’t be buried with it
it didn’t matter then
it won’t matter later
and it still doesn’t matter
because it wasn’t “who you were”
I didn’t care
I never cared because
when you love someone unconditionally
the little things, the big things like
skin colour
face shape
income
hair colour
****** orientation
height
personality
tutu preference
become irrelevant
Twenty seven
the number of times you drunk texted me
Fourty two
the number of times you were forced to watch the Sunday game
Fourty two
the number of times you called me crying about being forced to watch the Sunday game
Seventy nine
the number of times you said
i would be better off dead, yes
Seventy nine
it would be better if I were dead
Eight
the number of hours I spent videochatting with you on Skype trying to convince you not to do it
Three
the number of words in the last text you sent
“I’m done here”
Two
the number of times you said you wished you were straight
Two
the number of times I said I didn’t care that you weren’t
One
the number of tears that slid down your dad’s face at your funeral
Zero
beats missed

i'll make a wish on every dead dandelion i find
blowing my dreams away on every seed
hoping that they'll flutter away in the wind so far away from me and i'll hope that life may sprout from the ghosts of my past
why do we wish on dead dandelions?
why do i find them so hauntingly beautiful
i wish on dead dandelions
and their magic
i pluck them gently out of the ground and
****** my wishes upon them
i whisper
godspeed, dandelion
i'm relying
on you

some nights
i feel like a lost cause
your grandma would tell me to pray to st. jude
i don't think even st. jude would be able to find the missing parts of me

lately i've been thinking a lot about change
i wonder if it's because of change that i can't seem to find myself
because of the disorienting earthquake that followed the hurricane Change brought on
that flung pieces of me far and wide
i have to go searching again, don't i?

i feel like i should be telling you something important
shed some light on how to overcome darkness
but to be honest, kiddo
i still have no idea
and if i dedicate my life to apologising for the fact,
my sorry's will bury me

there's a saying,
the calm before the storm
there's a feeling,
complete peace with a hint of blindness to the tsunamic waves approaching just beyond the horizon
you feel euphoric and skeptical and helpless
a smile creeps across your face
you brace yourself for impact but know that no matter how many times you've prepared yourself for this, no matter how many times
you've lived through this
you will fall, flail, and drown

that is what i feel when i sense Change lurking near
and i can't do anything to stop it
i'm tired, kiddo
i've forgotten parts of me
so bear with me as i continue to love you to the best of my ability despite all this
don't forget yourself
love,
auntie

Thank you
To the little girl who kept saying "you can do it" when They didn't think she could do it
To the little girl who believed that thunderstorms meant God was crying but danced in His tears anyways
Thank you to the little girl who woke up one morning and decided she wasn't going to let the world pass her by
To the little girl who followed her older sisters around
You are not a pest.
Thank you for your spirited ways and quiet nature
You know so much more than you let yourself believe.
To the 10 year old girl who looked in the mirror and didn't think anything of her straight black hair, almond shaped eyes, and red puffy lips,
You are beautiful
To the 12 year old girl who thought being smart was bad
Being shallow hurt you so much more
To the 14 year old girl who was afraid of losing her friends
Never apologize for being you.
They left you, it's their loss
Don't find comfort in loneliness it won't work
You need people, stop saying you don't.
Go out and find someone who will bring out the best in you or better yet, find someone who will let you be
You.
Today I say to the girl I was a year ago
I read your journal entries
You're still alive
Thank you.

I told myself
I would not write another depression poem
I told myself
I was done with blades and shaky breaths
But Depression
Is sneaky like that it
Always chooses the most unsuspecting as victims
I told myself
I'm not the kind of girl
Who chooses slicing and dicing
I told myself
You're the kind of girl who old ladies look at with a glint in their eye and say
She's going places
I told myself
Straight to hell
Everyone always told me
Go to college
Get good grades
Marry a nice man who will support you
No one ever told me
Not to write depression poems

i'm slipping in and out of consciousness
every breath gets harder and you are
sitting on the edge of my bed
watching me with tired eyes
in between my fluttering
heartbeats i see you
too i'm so
sorry
-z.z

It seems like Distractions
Are all I've been breathing lately
I'm not alive anymore
I died the day I traded in Oxygen for Pain
Now, I'd give anything to have my old life back
When the only decision I had to make was deciding whether or not I should invite my cousin over to play with my new toys
When I could stand out in the rain and feel nothing else but euphoria
I'd love so much
To smile and not have my Smile act as a Facade
To take these Distractions, hold them in the palm of my hand and blow them away in the wind with a wish
I'd love so much
To have Oxygen fill my lungs with air
Then I'd exhale a sigh of relief because that would mean everything is right again
But things are not right
And so I'll go back to
Watching the World Cup, but not really pay attention
Planning for my trip next month
Reading the book that isn't so interesting
Conversing with my family though I'm
Not present
I'm drowning
in Distractions.

he drank his morning coffee with a drop of the sunrise mixed in
always one drop, never one more nor one less
just enough to hear the steam whisper
good morning

At noon he sipped his water
filled with remorse and not much else
work does that to you, you know?
he watched the clock tick tick tick the seconds away
and distractedness turned into dread

In the evenings, he drank shots of heartache mixed with every drop of the starlit sky he could get
Thirsty for more always wanting more
no amount of liquid hope could quench his thirst
He held his glass up to the heavens begging for slivers of the moon to trickle down into his soul
though the sky had nothing left to offer him

the next morning he mixed in an extra drop of the sunrise to ease the hangover
he had drinking problems
always drunk
rarely sober

sometimes i write because i feel empty
i feel like i can fill the void
with words and emotions that should be there but
aren't
it takes me
a couple dry poems
to realise
emptiness is not something even poetry
can fix

She was
A word artist, delicately stringing letters together on a long beaded necklace of a poem
She was
An escape artist, writing to numb herself of the pain that incessantly stabbed her in places that should not feel,
Her heart, her mind, her body was corrupted...
She was
an Artist
Who felt more than the World should have allowed her to Feel
She carried the weight of the World on her shoulders, every day becoming weaker instead of Stronger
She was
an Artist
Who couldn't put the pen down

Euthymic. Happy in a depressive state.
Crash. I was too close to the edge.
Fall. It's such a long way down to the bottom
Fell. Less than 8 hours ago I was
Euthymic. It never lasts long, does it?

-z.z

every last word
was for you
those that i
didn’t know how
couldn’t ever say
i was always
afraid how do
i do this
me and you
so i never
showed you my
other other side
i’m not ready
for the trainwreck
i’ll inevitably cause
my thoughts derail
hold me prisoner
going full speed
she’s so real
she’s always there
she doesn’t exist
she’s my friend
she is me
this is me
i love us
i really meant
every last word
-
-z.z

She was the most beautiful angel
But not in the way that most think of angels
She was a fallen angel
Who kept on getting back up
Because she knew she belonged in the wide open skies
Soaring above the mountains, as well as deep between the trees
Sometimes she flew too low
Testing her strength, how close could she get to the ground without actually
falling?
She wanted to be human
She wanted to walk on solid ground
She wanted to know what it was like to live
freely
without strings tugging and choking her every time she made a faulty move
She wanted to know true suffering
But not for the reasons most want to know suffering
She wanted to face Death
So she’d have something to talk about with her friends
She wanted to know Pain
So she could tell her children about her Fight
She wanted to know Suffering
So she could learn about the Earth
She was a fallen angel
Who's hair glistened with every grey strand that sprouted from her head as wrinkles became carved into her blush-pink face
She was a fallen angel
Who fell asleep
on the Ground
Right where she belonged

I have a secret
That I can't tell anyone
Because I let Fear
****** me
Fear swallowed me whole as the What If's became louder and louder in my ears
Fear looked so charming in that sweat-stained t-shirt
Fear had eyes that I'll never forget
Fear closed my eyes and whispered in that husky voice that made me weak in the knees
"They will judge you"
I have a secret
That I will never tell anyone
Because my secret
Belongs to Fear now.

i remember the fall
the wheezing hair-raising scream that pierced the air that followed
it was as if my lungs wanted to let the universe know i was about to embark on a trip down to the underworld but settled on a post to social media instead
“the person you are trying to reach is not available right now. they do not know when they’ll be back. but for now, leave a message with your name and contact info at the beep.”
i changed my profile pictures to an ambiguous shadow, shut down my feeds, and disappeared

i didn’t wake up in time
pulled the covers over my head and pretended i was dead
asleep

most nights while i was under, i dreamed vivid dreams that the diabolical freaks that ruthlessly engulfed me had disappeared like i
sometimes still do

most mirrors i looked into were as broken as i was
shards splintered off like the decaying pieces of my emaciated body
my heart was indignant and my brain would have argued back if it had had enough fuel to do so
i remember the charts and the scales the morning weigh ins the
pokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingthepokingt­hepokingthepokingthepoking
the food diaries the room searches the itchy gowns the smells the eyes the eyes the eyes the envy the eyes
everywhere

i remember fall used to be my favorite season
.

every once in a while, i forget things. i forget that smiles are meant to last longer than a couple seconds. i forget that depression is my monster i must fight. i forget that i must fight. i'm tired. i forget that i'm supposed to be going to class, that a C- isn't the end of the world, i forget to tell my professors i'm not okay. i forget to hide behind a smile and sometimes words come out that you weren't supposed to hear. or maybe i know all of this. maybe i know all of this and i'm hiding. maybe i'm hiding.
-z.z

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
When I'd heard that lyric
I was in the 7th grade, going through my scene phase in an attempt to salvage a friendship
I lost the tug of war match between myself and the girl who needed so much
I forfeited because I'd come to the realisation that friendships
Are really just balloons you eventually have to let go of before it starts to sag
Months went by and I found myself listening to that playlist
Searching for something that wasn't there
Maybe looking for some peacefulness, I don't know
One summer, the heavy monsoon storms would not let up
Afternoon after afternoon I spent staring out my window wondering if I could drown in it if I stood outside for long enough
That was the summer my sewing machine wouldn't stop humming as I ran out of fabric to make the unfinished quilt that hides in my closet
That was the summer I really listened
To the song and to my heart
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
Sometimes to really live you've got to try
I let myself fall, convinced I was going to fly
I tried, expecting I was going to live
I fell
I tried
I failed
I lied
That was the summer I died.

i know that some day
i will cease to exist
all these poems will be hidden in places i can’t remember
maybe someone will think to look but won’t come up with enough pieces to see the whole girl
my facebook profile will remain like the messed up diary of some girl who tried to write but couldn’t
my twitter account will be airless thoughts in 160 characters or less
and my tumblr will be subtle signs that say in fact no, i wasn’t okay, but thank you for liking my poetry posts
no one is going to think to look inside my head where the things that matter will be forgotten
maybe
they wouldn’t want to look or shouldn’t look because there isn’t anything beneath the face that never smiled
there isn’t truth hiding in the veins that shown through iridescent skin
they’re not going to think to look at me
inside of me
my collection of books will be boxed up and maybe taken to bookmans or goodwill
they’re not going to think to look inside those books to see my scribbles in the margins
i’m a fighter
i don’t know how long i’ll be around for but i know that despite my best efforts to change something into something bigger, someone else into someone,
i will be forgotten
so let this be another poem that you will read and forget about
maybe it got published or maybe its still sitting in a cardboard home
this is proof that i lived
don’t tell me it’s not enough because i’m sick of never being enough
i wouldn’t like to think that my life was for nothing
so take my words
to heart because darling,
you will be forgotten too
-
-z.z

when it comes right down to it
peace speaks a language the deaf can hear
the blind can feel
and compels you, me, all of us
to feel something

we are not broken

i'm reaching my hand out to the pages on my computer screen
touching the profile pictures and updates
emma has marked herself safe during the paris attacks
i watched the colours of the paris flag flood my screen
like a ripple across the vast waters

we are one
who knows what the future holds for tomorrow
for today
we will be strong in unity

I'm happy for you, okay?
But don't expect me to keep acting like my old self when you haven't been acting like your old self
You keep talking to me because you know I won't ever stop supporting you
Friends are friends and I'll be there til the end
But my patience is wearing thin and one day I won't be here anymore
You keep talking to me as if you didn't freeze me out for the last 8 months
When someone hurts me, I don't talk to them
That girl you "dated"?
She hurt me
Betrayed me and stabbed me in the back with that fake smile of hers and know-it-all aura.
You let her manipulate your mind and honestly, I thought you were better than that
I must've been pretty foolish to think a thought that was so far from the truth
You're still just a boy and I could tell
You had some figuring out to do
Our conversations became short and curt
I used to be able to tell you anything
Now you're back but you're definitely not the same Max I knew
I know, I know it's so cliche to say
I notice things
I don't let people mess with my mind and get away with it
So for you to waltz back in with your dyed hair and nose turned up in the air
Is not fair
I see past your "oh so f-ing tough" exterior
You tell me how bad it is like I don't already know
You "live life on the edge" and I'll give you that
But you do NOT tell me I don't know how hard it is
You're the little brother I never had and I hate watching what's become of you
I'm watching a train wreck
And the Train is our friendship
I wonder if you remember how close we used to be
The pictures you sent me of your little sister
The poems I sent you that you pretended to read
I wonder if you remember Skyping with me just so you could show me the snow in New York when it was 80 degrees in AZ
I wonder if you remember...
We all grow up at some point in our lives
Some, sooner than others
You can't hold a conversation for longer than five minutes
So why should I?
Because friends are friends until the end of time
And I used to think that was true
But the clock stopped ticking and
Our time is up
And even though I'd love so much just to be able to scrape the imprint you left on my heart right off
I know
You were more than a few sentences in my book that I won't ever be able to erase
Even though I was just a word in yours

Fruit pizza
I’m eight years old
Running around the house with a cape tied around my neck
Ingredients:
Sugar cookie dough
Strawberry cream cheese frosting
Sliced fruit of choice
My teddy bear’s name is Kate, after baby Kate from Arthur
We had to stop watching that show because my sister started acting like D.W
I told Kate everything because she was the best at keeping secrets
I didn’t realise she couldn’t talk back to me
Preheat oven to 350
Eat cookie dough because no matter what mom says, it’s not really going to **** you
Spread cookie dough evenly on a pizza pan
As the youngest of seven loud siblings of various ages, I had to learn at a young age how to be heard
I can yell with the best of them, but you would never know given my quiet tendencies today
I still haven’t completely grown up yet
In my mind, I’m still that little girl who read picture books and made up games like hurricane and the tripping machine
Let cookie cool
Wash fruit and slice it neatly
In my mind, I am still the little girl who did things because she wanted to and therefore got put in time out a lot
Spread strawberry cream cheese frosting on cookie
In my mind, I am still protected by the shelter of my parents
In my mind, Kate can still talk
Place fruit in a circular pattern on the frosted cookie
Cut into even pieces
I’m eight years old
Fruit pizza.

i thought that if i left it
in the yesteryear
i might finally get to sleep

you can’t leave a heavy it
on the stoop of a goodbye
and expect the door to contain its grisliness

like a puppy
it chased me
and clung to my leg
like a three year old

but those things are light
and my it dragged me down like quicksand
like a lover
begging me to come back to bed

just ten more minutes
of mind numbing pain
masked in silent nights
and silent cries

i’m such a fool

to think i could leave my it
when i hadn’t said goodbye.

-z.z