is a testament
to the idea that
something so heavy
and encircled by darkness
my fears outrun me
while i stumble over air
i keep tripping over
what isn’t even there.
her eyes are bloodshot and dried out
she hasn't blinked in hours
a screen flickers on and off
just as her mind floats in and out of consciousness
there's shadows on the ceilings
like ones she left behind in the city
she remembers a smile
and jolts upright in bed
there's a smile that haunts her
the sun rises in a couple hours
and she is still awake.
i think you hurt me
and i think,
at the time at least
i liked it.
i liked that someone listened to me
that should’ve been the first red flag
no one listens to me
i mean no one like you listens to me.
and i didn’t think it odd or inappropriate
i told you
i didn’t think you were a threat
and that should’ve been the second.
i didn’t think it was weird
when you asked me for selfies
because people swap selfies, right?
i’ve sent some pretty hideous double chinned bedhead dead eyed selfies to my girlfriend
how is it any different if it’s to a guy friend?
except it was different
you asked to see my thigh gap
my lordotic back because you wanted to see how my muscular dystrophy affected me
that should’ve been the third.
you called me pet names.
you told me you loved me.
you said you would always be there for me when no one else was.
fourth. fifth. sixth.
at first i thought it endearing and a platonic kind of love.
but you don’t say those things to a girl you met on the internet
i struggle saying those three words.
they weigh me down and make me choke on air when i try to say them out loud
so when you insisted i say them back, that you wouldn’t stop bugging me until i did,
typed them, hit “send”
and cried later
and you told me it’s no big deal, everyone says “i love you”
not me. never me.
you told me you’d visit
you told me we were meant to be
like a ****** up romeo and juliet
you spent your nights talking me down off of suicidal ledges
you thought you saved me
you kept telling me to just ******* eat, that starving myself was stupid, that you couldn’t have me die on you, that you were supposed to die first
“death is not a race,” i said
“you’ll win anyway if i don’t save you,” you replied
i didn’t like it anymore.
i think you hurt me.
i can’t be too sure since you’ve convinced me you were just being friendly but i’m starting to come out of this fog you’ve put me in
and i do believe
you’ve hurt me.