I just want these voices to stop.
I dont want to never be good enough
I don't want to starve
I dont want to carve "FAT" on my thigh
I dont want to exercise.
I just want to be normal.
I would rather stay fat rather than unhappy,
But these voices make it hard for me to do that.
Sometimes I want to scream for help,
I want my friends to know that I am drowning
But it's so hard to find the courage to tell the truth.
These voices tell me
That they will think I'm not sick enough
That im not worth the effort
That I'm not enough for them to care
So instead, I give out subtle hints,
"I'm really sore"
I spent all night exercising
"I slept for 12 hours"
I wanted to avoid food last night so I slept and slept a lot due to the fact that I stayed up til 2 am doing squats all week
I've been fasting for 18 hours
No one could possibly understand unless they ask
And if they asked, they cared.
So why tell them if they wouldn't care enough?
Mi vida loca
i'm not proud to say
i'm 85 lbs
that's not much of a girl
but i remember
when being 85 lbs
was all i ever wanted
when i craved a flat stomach
a gap between my thighs so wide
when i spent my days
filling my belly with water and air
taking lunches to school
but not eating them
instead tossing them in the trash because the smell of fresh fruit
made me sick
when i look in the mirror
i see the ghost and skeleton of a girl
who's in recovery
and i'm disgusted
is not much of a girl
i remember when all i wanted
was to be smaller, smaller
when i was 80 i wanted to be 75
75 wasn't enough so i kept purging til i hit 70
70 wasn't enough
65 wasn't enough
nothing would ever be enough
0 would never be enough
-10 would never be enough
i remember when they forced needles into my papery skin
i remember when 80 was enough for me to keep my life
and i remember
when i decided
i would always be enough
i had an eating disorder. i have an eating disorder.
— The End —