The stone around your heart has been chiseled at
You warm the frost when you're ready
When you realize the small thinking, anger, fear, and drawing into yourself
Have shrunk you small
The wall starts to crumble
You start to free your mind, your heart
From the prison you kept for safety

I have been seeking comfort for so long
I don't want to deal with the hard things
The unpleasant or mundane
In some ways, I was never taught how

But I can't shake this feeling that I need more
Seeking comfort brings on stress, anxiety, pain
I can't handle all of it

I've been struggling to change for a long time
What will it take?
I want to be ready
I decide to do things
But following through is easier said than done

How much more will I allow to fall before it's enough?
I say it's enough.

In 11 years
At least one thing hasn't changed:
You're home to me

You've supported my endeavors
And I've always had you to come home to
I like having that to count on

I need your stability
May I be so bold to say
Maybe you need my variety

I like that you truly see me
I need that
Maybe you do too

I need your insight and blunt honesty
I need your silliness
Maybe you need my different ways of thinking

We unwaveringly support each other
I need your stability
Maybe you need my variety

Dreams take flight in my mind
My head's in the clouds
I won't come down
I don't want to
I'm forever a dreamer

The view is beautiful up here
I want to turn what I see into reality
I can't give up
Nor stop dreaming
I think I'll shrivel up if I do

I keep my head in the clouds to remind me
What I'm working toward
So I won't give up my dreams
I'm still young but I'm sure it's all too easy
To let them slip away

I'll always keep an eye on the sky
And float above the clouds from time to time
With my starry eyes
To stay grounded

I'm low on energy
But I've got fire in my heart
I want to wake up from this sleep
My head is filled with water

I want to know if you think of me too
I want to know why you gave up on me
And why you lied to me
I wish I hadn't given up on you.

Even if we didn't end up together in the end
I wish I would've given us a chance
So I'd know what it's like
And so I'd know if it would've worked out

I wish I would've pressed harder when I knew you lied
I wish I would've said yes to you once; you asked so many times
I wish I would've told you I'd still be with you when we talked
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did

I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry I blew you off with no explanation
You were one of my best friends
You were my first love.

Did you know that?
You were.
I cared about you so intensely at such a young age
Part of me always will.

I assumed we'd get married
Did you know that too?
We had so much fun
We were such close friends

I want to know you're happy
I want to know you're doing well
I wish I could talk to you
And at least have you tell me those things.

But I can't say anything to you
It would be considered inappropriate
But we never got closure
Do you want that too, or is it just me?

I wish you knew these things
I have no idea what you think of me now
Or if you've forgotten about me
Or if I was special to you like you were to me

Or if you loved me too
And if so, if you'll always care about me
And never forget me
I'll never forget you

I'm sorry I was a **** to you when we were younger
I've gotten older, wiser, more mature, more understanding, and more loving
I'm sure we've both changed because everyone does
I've changed a lot, but otherwise, I'm the still same girl you were crazy about.

I never intended to hurt you
I did what I thought I needed to at the time
I've known better for quite a while now
And I'm sorry.

I hope you're happy
And that life is treating you well
I wish you the best
Know I always will, okay?

I wish you knew what you did to me
How I keep going back to it
That I'm hung up on it
Unless you'd think it's pathetic

My gosh, why can't I let you go?
I ridiculously pine
I know you've been idealized
And romanticized in my mind

But it started out so perfectly
We were just kids who became good friends
Then best friends
Then we came to care deeply for each other

We decided to wait until we were older to date
But then we never did
Because of me
I rejected you too many times

So eventually, you gave up on me
Now my mind has a warped reality
My heart still harbors you inside
And sometimes I'm reminded

******, why didn't I just kiss you?
I actually wish I knew what that was like
My gosh, am I horrible?
Utterly obscene?

I was so afraid to even date you
I think I ******* up big time
Did I?
Am I wrong?

How I wish I knew.
The world is not so black and white anymore
There is lots of gray
And it's nothing like I expected.

I miss you.
I miss us.
Please tell me you're okay.
Please tell me you're happy.

I wish I could send you a message somehow
So you'd know I'm sorry
And that I wish you well
For always

I write to release what is swimming in my mind
All the time
Phrases are born
Pieces of poems and prose
While I am busy
And while I am working
I need a magical pen
Or time to create
Many times the words escape
But how lovely they were the moments they lived in my brain

This place is sad without you
It heaves a sigh

Emptying it of our things
Signifies the end of making memories here
The end of filling the air between these walls
With our voices, laughter
Sharing life

I want to load the memories onto a hard drive
And preserve them perfectly
So I won't forget them

I'm afraid to shut the door
And leave forever
Without you

Could I write
to **** out the poison
that paralyzes me?

Break me down
So I can learn each piece
I feel like a puzzle that's not put together
I'm familiar with some pieces
I know parts of the picture
But others seem like a mystery
Or a contradiction

I can't quit you
I don't want to

This is where I grew up broken
And I still am
I'm trying to find my missing pieces

This is where I fell apart
I'm still not together
I'm searching for a way to snap things into place

Understanding is out of my reach
I walk with limited sight
Hoping that the next thing I stumble upon
Will be an answer
Will help me move forward

I feel like I have all the time in the world if I just stay up late at night.
Oh, but that's not sustainable.

I have songs within me
The words come here and there
As I go about my days
I feel connected to them
I feel there are things I want to share

It's as if my torso is a cabinet or a safe
Shut, locked
But full of words unorganizedly stacked
Making noise if I move
And if I open the door and tip
Tons of words will come spilling out