I feel my skull shrink.
Mental voices scream as the
Walls slowly compress.

- p. winter

There is art in crimson bloodshed,
There is music in explosion,
There is poetry in battle cries,
In death, ghostly symposion.
Yet, one can't help but admit
There is venom in war's bite.
Enough to make illustrious soldiers
Cry to sleep each night.

- p. winter

I can't stop writing
These little, three line poems.
It's haiku fever.

- p. winter

Darling, when you smile,
The brightest stars become but
Embers in the ash.

- p. winter

it must be magic
how you take my darkness and
turn it into fire

- p. winter

Whether on good days,
Or on bad, either way just
Take me as I am.

- p. winter

"... had an early lunch."
"... already ate... not hungry."
My daily white lies.

One hundred pounds. Most
Teenage girls' dream size, but the
Weight of my nightmares.

"... eating disorder..."
The last words I hear before
My head hits the ground.

I don't even feel
it anymore. My body
Got used to starving.

A penny for each
Meal I've thrown out could buy me
Another water.

Work out until your
Size is small as your daily
Calorie intake.

"You're far too skinny"
They don't see the fat girl that
Lives in my mirror.

- p. winter

It's crazy how you were my entire world.
My entire universe.
And I was not even a speck of dust floating around the glorious stars in yours.
It's crazy how my world didn't revolve around the Sun, it revolved around knowing that somewhere out there, you were smiling your beautiful smile and with those captivating eyes of yours you admired the wonder around you in your world.
Your world.
The world in which the flowers blossomed, excited for the new adventure and every morning the birds sang their enchanting melody as the never ending forests rippled with vibrant shades of green.
And the dew drops sparkled on every blade of grass like the sparkling stars light years away from my universe.
My universe.
The universe where without you the sky became black as ash and the tiny embers forming constellations above me were glimmers of hope that one day you'd return and together we'd flourish in my world.
My world.
Where every day of the year it rained.
Not the soothing rain that brings nourishment to all nature as it trickles down the window on a warm summer evening.
But the persistently pounding, pouring rain that floods homes and shoots bolts of electricity across the sky like scratch marks etched into space as I frantically try to claw my way out of this universe.
It's crazy how some say the universe is expanding but mine was shrinking and shrivelling up without you.
For the mere thought of being without you exploded my stars and crushed my planets until my universe was a cold and empty hole.
Because you were the light that kept my universe whole.
That brought daisies to my gardens and songbirds to my trees but now they have left me.
Left me alone in my collapsing universe because while your world revolved around the Sun, mine revolved around the memory of feeling your strong, protective hands clutching my delicate fingers and telling me that the day you let go is the day the world stops spinning.
And when you let go,
My world stood still.
Still as the ocean resting after a storm,
Still as the tulips waking up in the morn,
Still as my body curled up on the floor.
Because it's crazy how heartbreak leaves you alone with your thoughts.
And I thought that it's time my world starting spinning.
It's crazy how you depend on your universe.
But I am letting mine go.

- p. winter

As dew is to the emerald blades,
So are your graceful eyes:
The refreshing taste of morn
As Apollo wakes the skies.

As snow is to great Everest's peak,
So is your mountainous smile:
Bright and kind but dig and find
What others have defiled.

As thorns are to the rose's stem,
So is your hand's embrace:
Threatening to danger
But, to the flower, soft as lace.

As water is to sailboat's hull,
So are you to me:
Wanted to be happy
But needed to be free.

- p. winter

You ask me why I flinch
Whenever you raise a hand.
Or why I retreat at the sound
Of your voice getting louder.
You tell me I'm too jumpy,
That I just need to learn to trust.
But the last time a hand and voice were raised,
My trust went out the window.

- p. winter

Each move intrepid.
So much could be lost, but oh
How much could be won...

- p. winter

thump
thump
the rhythm of your heart
thump
i can feel it even when we're miles apart
rise
rise
the tide inside your chest
fall
as my resting head is lulled by every breath
tick
tick
the hours soaring by
tock
they feel like seconds, tell me, where did all our time fly?
thump
thump
the rhythm of my heart
thump
do you hear it beat for you when we're apart?

- p. winter

I have a picture of you saved,
For no eyes but my own,
That I take out of my drawer
Every day when I come home.

I pretend you're here in front of me,
As your body remains statuous,
And cry into the picture
As my grief for you grows fatuous.

For though your captured smile is still
I hear your loving laugh.
That joy can't even be contained
Inside this photograph.

And though your captured skin is still
I feel your heat reach mine,
Radiating through the frame,
Its mem'ries stopping time.

And though your captured eyes are still
The beauty of your gaze is just
Too much for this poor photo
To be able to contain.

They say a thousand words
A single picture can confess.
But your frozen lips say nothing
As the sun sets in the west.

In your melancholic silence
I place the picture in the drawer.
Tomorrow I'll take it out again
And grieve your love once more.

- p. winter

when you feel the watermelon juice
skiing down your chin
when you hear the hum of the lawnmower
singing its backyard ballad
when you smell the smoke of the bonfire
seeping slowly into your skin
you will know
you will sense
that summer
has arrived

- p. winter

and oh
how it will hurt
to fall in love
from the towering height
of your innocent
expectations

- p. winter

You were the calming moonlight
Through skies of moonshine and loneliness
Surrounded by the fog and the thunder
And yet seen only as an omen of hope
A kaleidoscope of memories
But now they're just engulfed
In a cloud of powdered emery
I know the words you spoke
Were not spoken accidentally
I know the way you felt for me was not coincidentally
The same way I did
So tell me why, sentimentally,
I look at our photos and cry
(Physcially and mentally).
I know the day you left
Was not just incidentally
The same day that I told you:
(Regretfully)
I love you.

And you know that I know,
You loved me too.
Unforgettably.

- p. winter

The thread of hope
That my name made you nervous
That my eyes filled your dreams
That my touch was electric
The thread of hope
That my voice stained your mind
That my smell gave you goosebumps
That my taste burned your tongue
The thread of hope
That you didn't want to leave
That it hurt to walk away
That some part of you was hesitant
This thread
It coils around me
Cutting off my circulation
This thread
It ties itself into a noose
Around my neck
And yet
This thread of hope
That you loved me
I refuse to cut
Though it suffocates.
This thread
Will be
The death of me.

- p. winter

And oh, how sweet, the words you speak, they taste.
How soft they blow, how sure they flow; no haste.
An old eclipse, how slow, your lips -- they part.
So young, naive, quickly deceived, my heart.
How warm, your eyes, they hypnotize my soul.
And how I miss the touch, the kiss, you stole.
So sure was I that you'd be my first love.
But love's a thing we know nothing thereof.
Foolish of me to fall so deeply in.
How long I thought your smile was not a sin.
And oh, how used, how scared, confused, my trust.
Feelings so shy, that you deny, 'tween us.
How ruefully, our memories, they fade.
How bittersweet our love; like lemonade.

- p. winter

it's the gentleness
in her voice
that takes me back
to lullabies
of the golden harp

the strings plucked
like her vocal cords
sing soft chords
of grace

the curved physique
of her body
fits the mold
of an angel

rounded shoulders
provide comfort
where the teary
come to rest

and when she sings
i see my childhood
i feel the pillow
'neath my head

when she sings
i hear her sacrifice
and feel the wings
of her prayers

when she sings
i swear the melody
gives life
to wintered tulips

mother of mine
your love
it is the beauty
of the golden harp

- p. winter

why we do this to ourselves
remains a mystery

our conversations all wear
the same clean livery
the words fall into line
as if they've been rehearsed
it's like we're both too scared to improvise
it's a curse

why is either too afraid
to be the first to speak a phrase
overwhelmed with what the other
could think or do or say

why do we look into
each other's eyes
and tell ourselves
the same old lies
believing

that this feeling

will one day
go away

- p. winter

It took sixteen years to become acquainted with my old self.

The self that:

Could not write on crumpled papers,
Or sleep in untucked sheets,
Played her scales robotically,
Left no word incomplete.
Labelled all the cupboards,
Books were organized by name,
This was the life I led.
I never knew that it would change.

it took 4 weeks to fall in love with my new self

the
self
tha
t

writes on ollld receipts,
   kicks the covers        off the bed
     ~lets my fingers play freely~
         not every sentence has an en-
            stores shoes with coffee mugs!!
               writes in mArGiNs to save time
                  not all rules need to be   f o l l o w e d
                    not all poems need to

                        sound the same

who knew that little pill
would teach me how to live
not erase the 'me' that showed
but bring out the 'me' that hid
16 years of worry
of obsessive, anxious thoughts
who knew that little pill
would change me
I,
for one,
did not
.

- p. winter

those who say it's a beautiful feeling
to fall in love
have always been loved
in return

- p. winter

i come with baggage
more than i can hold, i pray
that you are stronger

- p. winter

I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
It was an arranged marriage,
But he promised me a lifetime of happiness.
They told me some loving would benefit my health.
That he could make me smile again.
So I stuck with him.
Every night.
You and I would meet behind his back.
He wasn't the only one who made me happy.
There was something about you
That made me forget about him.
Almost as if
I didn't need him anymore.
But they said I was commited to this relationship.

They told me Zac would work his magic 3-4 weeks after our first date.
And he did.
I smiled.
I forgot.
I relaxed.
I let go.
It was nice to be happy again.
Everyone around me saw it.
But then it was time to take it up a notch.
I was told to love him in the mornings and evenings,
Twice a day.
Then three times.
Then four.
Until I forgot what it was like to be single.
They didn't know I snuck out to be with you.

Eventually I was a whole new person.
I didn't worry about matched socks.
I didn't cry over spilled secrets.
I didn't retreat when the going got tough.
I learned to laugh at myself
Listen to myself
Love myself
Be myself.
The quiet world of whites and greys began to
EXPLODE
Into fireworks of vibrant colours.
I picked flowers!
I made music!
I flew kites!
The old me
Faded
From memory.

I was happy.
I am happy.

They said my life would never be the same.
That Zac had seeped into my brain
And taught me to see the beauty in life.
To find the rainbows in the rain.
They congratulated us on our marriage.
The couple of the century.
But, you see, I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
Maybe it was a coincidence.
Maybe it was the timing.
Maybe it was fate.
But I had broken up with Zac a month after he proposed.
I never met him twice a day.
Or three times.
Or four.
All this time
He wasn't the one
Who had taught me
To be happy.

- p. winter

Blackbird baby
Wings of charcoal
You think the sky is falling.
Your lonely song
Straddling the wind
Searching for an audience.
The home you grew up in
Had white walls and high ceilings.
Pure and sheltered.
You thought the room was shrinking,
Pinning your wings to your sides.
But baby
You were just growing.
Destined to break down the door.
To let the art of your dangerous spirit
Use the clouds for a canvas.
Blackbird baby
You've been raised by doves.
They've passed on their sparkling reputation
But it doesn't suit your matte feathers.
You're a whole other kind of beautiful.

Blackbird baby
Wings of charcoal
You think the sky is falling.
You feel so alone
You don't see how they envy you.
Your mind is a weapon, my dear.
Never doubt it for a moment.
Your body is a treasure, my dear.
Love it like nothing else.
Your time is valuable, my dear.
Don't waste it on what brings you no joy.
These lessons you have yet to learn.
You see only the thunder in the sky.
But there's a world of rainbows to be discovered.
Blackbird baby
You find it so hard to believe
That you are loved.
But you are everything to me.

Blackbird baby
Wings of charcoal
You think the sky is falling.
You see pieces of it hit the ground.
The end in sight.
Let me hold you.
Let me hold your whole world
So tightly that all the pieces of the sky
Fit back into place.
Afraid of what could go wrong
You pin your own wings to your sides.
Force of habit.
But without them
How will you fly?
Blackbird baby
Open your wings for me.
Show me your dance of ebony
Like a silouette on the sunset.
Blackbird baby
Hatch from your prison

And soar.

Darling, it's a storm out there.
The winds howl like lonely wolves in moonlight.
Their throaty cries echo through this empty cage of a town.
The shutters shudder in the eerie fog
Creaking as they hang to the windows by a single *****.
In movies there would be dramatic music
But in this weather
The only sounds are the cracks of trees losing limbs
And individual rain drops attacking every surface with the united force
Of the pacific ocean.
It's a deafening silence.

Darling, you're not ready to face it.
You think you've experienced it all
After jumping through puddles
And watching the leaves blow down the street in the warm breeze.
But you don't know what you're up against.
It's never ending, this storm.
It will knock you off your feet and throw you to the walls
It will take your breath away with strength of repressed anger.
You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
The locals have adjusted, they know the drill, they know the signs.
You have much to learn.

Darling, I'm trying to protect you.
It will send shivers up your neck
Because it's not the kind of storm you see coming from twenty miles away.
It will sneak up on you when you least expect it, but you can't blame the sky for the clouds it didn't mean to create.
You will get angry, you won't understand.
I'm not trying to drive you away my dear,
But the longer we know each other the closer the storm will creep.
So let's enjoy the sunshine as long as we can
Until you have to face my baggage.
Because this storm and I are one.
This storm consumes my mind.
This storm is part of who I am.
And I don't think you're ready to fight it.

Darling, for now, just lay with me.
In the eye of the hurricane.
Surrounded by the thunder
But blissfully oblivious.

Darling, one day,
When you promise me you'll stay,
The sun will fade to grey
And it will rain.

- p. winter

I replay it in my head

L osing our temper
O verthinking
V iolent words
E xaggerations

Y ou walked
O ut the door
U ncivilly

S till, I wait
T omorrow you might come back
I leave the door unlocked
L isten to our song
L et it play over and over again

I pour another glass

A llowing myself to
L ose my mind
W ondering
A pologizing to myself
Y our voice in my ears
S uffocating my thoughts

W ould it have ended differently
I f I had let you win
L et go of my pride
L ooks like we'll never know

- p. winter

Good little Catholic girl.
Say your prayers,
Love your neighbours.

But not that one.

Ignore the luscious fruit.
The slithering whispers in your ear.
The juice, inches from your lips.

The temptation.

Eyes that entrance you.
Little touches.
Hidden blushes.

Keep it secret.

No one can know
That he isn't a
Good little Catholic boy.

- p. winter

She was a rest in a bar full of staccatos.
She was the note played pianissimo and the key that didn’t sing.
She had no forte in her soul, her steps were slurring phrases.
This girl was the music of a broken string.
Hers were the fingers stiff and cold; and the lip plate never kissed.
A metronome of self-doubt always ticking in her ears.
Never allowed a change in tempo, never shown to spread her wings.
Singing lessons from the deaf for 15 years.

The other was a pickup note, anxious to play the tune.
The dancer skipping steps up ledger lines.
The crescendo of passion, the diminuendo of a lullaby,
This girl no blaring trumpet could outshine.
But though her eyes were made of stardust her heart pulsed slowly, portato.
No accompanist, no duet, no conductor to keep the beat.
Her cheeks stung from the disguise, her worry slowed her, legato.
Compensating for loneliness with quick tempo deceit.

But, like broken triads, fate had it the two would somehow fit.
Drawn together as tied notes, destined to play their piece.
One so controlled by the orchestra, the other yearning for a duet.
The enchanting harmony within them had always burned to be released.
They played as one instrument, arpeggios overlapping in a heavenly key.
Swinging in synchronization, the melody swam magically through the night.
No longer controlled by metronomes, no longer stuck singing solo,
Forever, together, their own sheet music they would write.

- p. winter

They sewed my lips together
And told me I sang beautifully.
But when I tore out the stitches
They said my voice
Was background noise.

- p. winter

morning
    karma
       luck
        day
         job
         try
       wife
      heart
  evening
      effort
      work
      night
  ­       bye

none
of
which
are
good
any
more

- p. winter

The monsters he grew up fearing.
The creatures from the closet.

The ghosts behind the walls.
The skeletons under the bed.
He was always afraid of the dark.
But as he grew
He taught himself
To let the darkness surround him.
Seeping into his veins.
The creatures no longer crouching in the corners
But flooding his thoughts.
Riding his mind into the sunset
As it sank on the horizon.
He learned to lose control.
To feel the monsters in his lungs.
To hear the ghosts whisper in his ears.
To let his eyes roll back.
He discovered the beauty in the shadows.
Befriended the silence.
He found peace in the isolation.
He didn’t fear the dark.
He became it.

- p. winter

I promise that I'm healthy.
That I've never felt better.
Even though you don't know
That I keep finding myself
Back in this position.
Rocking myself to sanity.
Chained to the ground.
Blank eyes
With blank intentions
Looking for explanations
On blank walls
And blank ceilings.
Waiting for the day
It all goes blank.

- p. winter

No apparent cause
No apparent reason.
Inexplicable.
Tears streaming down her face like flowing rivers holding all her secrets.
Music blasting to cover the sound of her pounding heart and chilling screams.
Fingers running through her hair as she grimaces at this mask she wears
With a beaming smile and rosy cheeks that yell "I'M DOING FINE!"
Because the louder she shouts it the more she believes it herself.
It's inexplicable
Why she feels this way.
Looking for a way out of her own thoughts she runs into memories she thought she forgot.  
Her parents screaming about how to pay bills as their daughter watches with shivers running down her spine.
Friends luring her into a world she vowed not to join with their bottles glistening in the light and the smoke surrounding them clouding her judgement.
Yet it's inexplicable
How she dealt with the voices in her head and the endless possibilities of how to escape them but there was always that one catch.
She hung on for dear life to the rope that would take her dear life.
But she was running out of reasons why her dear life would not be a reasonable sacrifice.
She put up with herself for so long and now, as she crumbles onto the ground, she finds every feeling gushing out of her.
Every night she had spent hugging her pillow.
Every dream she had dreamt that didn't work out.
Every friend she had found that thought she wasn't enough.
Every promise she was given that in the end it would be okay.
For so long she told everyone that she was strong.
She could handle it, she could push through.
But there comes a point where even the strongest ones break.
And when she broke, she thought she'd never be put back together.
For the remaining shattered shards of her heart were jigsaw pieces and no one had the time to sit down and glue them tight.
It's inexplicable
Why this sadness dominates even the happiest of moments.
The realization that nobody can fall in love with someone so broken and hopeless sinks in.
And she sinks to the floor
With her inexplicable sadness.

- p. winter

They ask me what I want to be when I grow up.
I whisper
"I don't".

- p. winter

I loved you so much
I still look for the ones who treat me like you did.
That's why
I keep getting hurt.

- p. winter

A colour bringing memories of days long passed.
Of blushes, brushes of skin, smiles and laughs.
Of almosts, could-have-beens, should-have-beens and would-have-beens,
Of staring from across the room and yearning a stare back.
A colour, warm, with flashes of scenes
That repeat themselves in dreams alone.
A colour, beautiful, though bland before
That was thought to forever be despised.
This colour, hazel, a calming storm.
This colour of your eyes.

- p. winter