i didn't think i'd miss you as much as i do now.
i was just making a playlist and every song reminded me of you.
i started to think about the days that we spent on my bedroom floor.
heads touching,
we reached our hands to the ceiling and it was like every day leading up to This point was supposed to happen.
i was meant to be here,
with you.
the sunlight from my window hit our faces as it went down and
once again, our fingers found themselves to be intertwined.

you filled my notebooks with poems about your eyes
and how my stomach felt when i was around you.
the past was the past yet it still lingered and had the same effect on me as if it was still happening.

all i wanted was to fall into your arms but looked at me like i was crazy.
my feelings inside grew smaller and it was like i was flicked off the earth for feeling sad.
it wasn't okay, and i was "crazy" for feeling like this,
right?

i looked behind me and you weren't there anymore.
the only thing that was left for me to fall back on when things got too hard,
when my head was too much for me,
was my bedroom wall.
i spent my childhood sitting against it,
looking at my bleeding wrists and wishing that maybe,
just maybe,
if i looked behind me you'd be there.

that's all i wanted.
it was like god took my parents away when i turned 10,
all the love i was supposed to get,
the love that was supposed to hold me and mold me was gone.
how can a 10 year old teach himself all of this?

december first and i'm reminded in a few weeks,
it'll be three years since you left.
there's been a part of me missing since you've been gone that i've tried to replace with other things.
these things have been other people or substances that made me feel like you were still here and like i felt before it all happened.
but three years,
time has gone by so fast yet i know i'll have to wait more until
i see you again.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

three pairs of eyes on me when i was asked the questions,
"are you going to college?
what are you going to do with your life?'
back to back,
and as if they mattered,
as if those question really mattered.
i shifted in my seat and pulled down my sleeves.
i felt my face heat up and my hands wrapped themselves around my waist.

i just want to be free.
i just want to be me.
i want to wake up in the morning and not feel like my life will be a routine.
i want to help people and give back everything that the universe has given me.
i want to help myself and do the things i love.

i want to read my tarot cards,
i want to take care of the animals in my animal sanctuary,
i want to pick fruits and vegetables from my farm,
i want to write books,
i want to write for magazines and newspapers,
i want to paint,
i want to take pictures of everything beautiful,
i want to film everyday life,
i want to live.

my heart began to beat faster around more people than i could count on my fingers.
i started to feel smaller and seen but in the worst way.
my stomach did turns and i could swear everyone could hear my heavy breathing.
i held my own hand,
in hopes that it would feel like someone elses
and maybe,
just maybe
i could calm down.

i want to write about you forever,
i want to write about us forever.
i'll try my best to keep us alive,
even if it hurts
because right now,
i can't let go of you,
of us.

i'll write about the first time you told me you loved me,
about how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest when you simply smiled,
about how the love we shared and gave each other was real and will forever mean something to me.

and although my heart was blue sometimes,
and when your words cut deep into me,
i can't seem to let go.
not yet.

i just wanted to be in your arms again.
no matter how bruised they made me and broke my heart,
i would do it over and over again,
for you.
and i hate myself for it.

i miss you.
i'm coming home.
i forgive you.
please welcome me with open arms.
i'm sorry,
please forgive me.
i miss your warmth,
i need your warmth.
i'm coming home.

i threw away 22 pages of writing because it didn't matter.
the things i've seen and lived through,
it doesn't matter.
i mean,
it does,
but i'm here now.
when it did it get so hard to write about now?

you can't take it away from me.
i won.
i was strong and i won.

it doesn't matter how much i write about it or cry about it.
it's over and that's okay.
it's okay.
i will be okay.

it was such a beautiful thing really.
i saw light when my angel and spirit told me the truth.
it was horrible and lovely at the same time and i still don't understand how okay i was throughout the whole thing.
i felt this overwhelmingly amount of clarity and acceptance.
i felt seen and heard.
the light that i saw was a light i was told i wasn't ready for until i was,
and there, i was.
i was okay, it was all okay,
i'm okay.
there was no more hurt in that moment, i can't describe it.
i felt grounded yet in the air and i felt held by every moment of happiness and stillness i've ever felt.
it was so beautiful and i felt my heart heal and the scars that were everywhere were fading,
actually fading.

recently, i feel like i've become someone else,
my true self,
the person i was meant to be.

the universe kept making go through the same situations until i learned my lesson and kept true to myself.
test after test after test,
and i finally passed it.

i've realized that I am the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am the burning candle that lit my own way through the darkness,
I am the grass and sun on the other side,
I am my own answer,
i always have been.

then it came to me.
i was just sitting in class and it came to me.
i felt myself flying again.
i felt your weight off of me and i could breathe again.
i'm free from you.
i'm free.
i'm not yours,
i'm never yours.
i'm taking myself back from you.
it came to me,
the chains broke and i looked at you with nothing.
i feel nothing towards you.
i'm free.
i'm free from you.
goodbye.

i wanted to see stars again.
i thought that by now i would be able to
but i can't,
i don't.
you took every star in the sky and threw them away.
give it back, please.

growing hurts sometimes.
i want you by my side but you can't be here.
you aren't good for me and that hurts too.

if i never saw you again, i think i would be okay.
i hate myself for missing your touch,
the warmth of your hands in mine felt like the world spun for us.
i hate myself for missing your words,
they made me feel like we were the only people in this universe.
you are everything and nothing at the same time.
i could get lost in your eyes and i remember asking if i could.

you made me feel bad for telling you you hurt my feelings.
a side i've never seen before was revealed and the anger your emerald eyes held made you see red and i was afraid.
i didn't back down.
i let you go and sometimes i worry if i made the right decision.
but i think if i never saw you again, i would be okay.

you.
oh god, you.
i used to write about how you looked like a flower and how the way you loved me was like stars being born over and over again.
and for a while it was all you were, all we were,
explosions of lust,
of what i thought was love being created between us.
i picked flowers for you and wrote for you over and over again.
i liked it when you pet my head and held my hand.
i loved it when you told me you loved me.
you loved it when i was on my knees for you,
hugging you and practically kissing the ground you walked on.

but you hurt me.
you stole from me and pushed thorns into my skin,
thinking i would let you.
but i couldn't.
the star exploding sounded like cars crashing now
and the flowers i gave you left me with ****** and spots of blood on my hands.
what was pink was now gray and i couldn't believe you did it.
i said, "no,
don't hurt me,
you hurt me.".
you acted like you cared.
you told me you didn't mean to but i saw the look in your eyes when you told me what you did,
when you did what you did.
i knew what you felt and you didn't' even have to say it.

you told me to come back when i forgave you, if i ever could.
and i wanted to so badly.
i wanted to personally take out the thorns and wrap bandages around my heart.
but i couldn't go back.
i didn't want to anymore.
i was afraid of your true self and i wanted nothing to do with it.
so i stayed away.
what a waste?
months and month of loving you.
giving you everything i should have been giving myself.

not even a week later you found someone new.
my heart ripped open the bandages and bled and bled and bled.
you.
you stole from me and hurt me.
i told you and you left.
you never apologized and that's what hurt most.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

as i exhale, it seems almost as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that leaves me feel uncertain and foreign.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it'd become a home for me
but it's still not me,
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breathe isn't normal.
i stared into nothing as i breathed like this,
my limbs would sometimes go numb and the world would move in slow motion,
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts
,and as much as i should,
i liked it.
i liked feeling nothing, the uneasiness of my breathe would somehow comfort me.
i could forget for 5 seconds and sometimes that was enough.

in two hours,
i will be 18.
i'm claiming this to be the birthday that i am New.
completely new.
the past was never lived,
i was never that person,
i am not that person.
i am now,
i am love,
i am growth,
i am New,
completely new.

finally 18,
so utterly terrified yet relieved,
finally 18.
i am New,
i am 18.

it was one of those days to be silent.
the frustration and anger and sadness mixed in with each other that i could no longer tell what i was feeling.
but i knew i just needed to be silent.

dear my beloved,

i'm writing to you now to say goodbye.
the pain has gotten too much and i wish to run away,
again.
for if we come across each other in the future naturally,
i ask you to hug me and hold me close.
lord knows i need it.

perhaps you can't find me,
i'll be in paris.
every afternoon, i'll drink wine on my balcony.
i'll look for you at the stars and if you wish to not look for me,
remember me for the least.

my love, this has all come to an end
but i really do pray that you wish to find me.

goodbye for now, my love.

from your forever love:
L

i floated through your cosmos.
touching every star, every rock, every planet, even the pieces of wandering debris.
i liked yours much better than mine.
the pressure that always used to be in my head was no longer.
i looked at you and i looked at all of this and i could swear i heard a voice telling me to stay.
to stay for a little longer,
that i didn't have to let go.

so i didn't.
i held on tighter to you,
to all of this.
the stardust hugged us and we felt whole.
we danced with the stars and spun the planets ourselves.
we floated through Our cosmos.
loving and living as one.

a few bad experiences.
okay,
a lot of bad experiences.
and Okay,
they were really, really bad experiences.

all left me on my knees begging for something i didn't even realize i didn't need.
for years, i wanted to hide.
i wanted to close my heart to everyone that bat their eyelashes at me.
i was beyond of afraid.
i don't want a really, really bad experience again.

but,
now i realize i won't.
okay, maybe i will
but i know it won't hurt as much as it used to or it would if it was past me.
that isn't me anymore and every person is different.

so,
i will let them in.
my hands may shake and the butterflies in my stomach may be a warning for me to flee,
but i won't.

i used hate the way i would be awake at four in the morning.
i remember the way everything used to feel so haunting and scary.
there were no words to describe how deep inside my mind i would sink into,
scared and afraid of no return.

but now,
oh now,
i love it.
i fell in love with the quiet.
there was no more worry or fear.

it's september.
your eighteenth year,
already!

no, it's not 2016 anymore,
nor any year before this one.
you are safe.
it can't hurt you anymore,
they can't hurt you anymore.

their voices are so foggy and muted now,
look at that progress you made!
you're not breaking anymore because of that one day in math class
or the words they said.
look at that progress!
you haven't forgotten
but instead, you've wrapped all of it up in a blanket and held it tight close to you.
you are okay.

sailing it away was bittersweet.
it was all you knew but it's so far away now,
how can it help now?
it never did before.
let it go.

and now, the now, the present,
whatever you want to call it,
is Here,
it's now!
you're afraid,
oh, so afraid.
but hey!
you are okay.

the unknown isn't a dark tunnel anymore.
it's an open field with roads paved into them by people from before.
follow one or make your own.
either way,
you will be
okay.
remember that.

things hurt sometimes.
the rain get too much some days and your clothes feel heavy and your skin feels too tight again.
i see you hugging yourself when you're around people.
you're okay.
you've grown so much that you Know it's okay now to have bad days.
the storm leaves,
it always does,
remember?

you are light,
you are love
now.
you're great and okay and hopeful.
you are worth so much more than you think.
keep telling yourself all of this.

you are light,
you are love.
you can move on now.
don't be afraid.
i won't let go,
i will be here when you fall and i will be here when you fly.

so keep growing.
grow!
go!
move!
it's possible!
look at how big this world is!
grow and love and love and love
and
love.

now grow.

his name was luis.

i loved him for over seven years.
i fell deeper and deeper and for the first time in my life,
i was okay with it.

he is beyond beautiful.
i could write about when our hands touched or the way my face would get hot when we locked eyes under the moonlight.
i could write about him forever.

there is no one more beautiful than he is.
for he is all the stars in the world.

he is everything into one.

so absolutely and utterly
beautiful

the school year was over,
once again.

i got two more years with him.

now to graduate.

less texting.
he didn't ride the bus anymore.

i understood,
i still do.

his whole life was ahead of him.
he was leaving!
how could i blame him?
i couldn't.

always,
beautiful.

months passed and one late, late night,
we talked deeply.

i told you about my parents,
you told me about your past.
you told me how much you cared about me.

then you told me you knew.
oh, i knew how obvious i was!
how could i hide it?

you told me not in this moment in time.
your words like thorns on a rose.

beautiful,
yet painful.

it's okay,
you said.

and i told you,
i know.

one night,
we went walking.

days before your birthday.

walking to meet you at the corner curb,
i hid your birthday present behind my back.

i remember reaching you and you were eating a hot pocket.
i fell more in love each time i saw you.

you hugged me after i gave it to you.

i gave you my beret that night too.
complimenting you on how good you looked and how,
yes,
you can pull it off very well.

we walked close that night.

we sat on the swings at the park over the bridge and you told me about your love for constellations.
i don't know much about them and you told me to look at the sky.

one hand on my back,
the other pointing to the sky.

"do you see it?"

i couldn't take my eyes off of You.

i could make my own constellations in the galaxies in your eyes.

beautiful.

dms back and forth.
memes.
sharing music.
taking candid pictures of each other only to send them later.

he lived a street away.

we exchanged numbers.

we began going on walks.

the sun kissed his face,
as if it was praising him for being Him.
i could relate.

once again,

beautiful.

i dmed him first.
how could i not?

pretending like i forgot,
"hey!! i think we went to school together! my name is _!!"

waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
....
..
"i remember!!! i wanted to say something earlier!"

the bus.

the school bus once again.

"is that really him?", i thought looking at him through the mirror in the front of the bus,
trying to not get caught staring.

he looked at me and then i knew,
yes,
yes it was.

beautiful.

we became friends over time.

he offered his shoulder when i was feeling down and waved goodbye when he got off the bus.

time went by and he had to leave.

two years then there he was again,
it all came back.
every time i saw him it was like seeing him for the first time
all
over
again.

his name was luis.

i met him when i was in sixth grade, he was in eighth.

the first time we talked was when he apologized for him accidentally bumping into me on the bus after school.
right then, right there,
beautiful.

he had long hair and wore band tees and in my book,
that was everything.

the short smile that he had on his face made me fall deeper.
i swear, i remember my breath being taken away when i first saw him.

love at first sight.

you will not be my muse.
i won't let the hurt you've inflicted on me to be the base and formation of what i write
for i am done with writing about people who have pained me.

you will not be my muse.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
you.
oh god,
You.

i think i'll die twice when i have you in my arms again.
your warmth will be enough to heal me again.
your warmth will be enough for me to forget about the life i lived before you and after you.

i'll tell you about the book i wrote.
giving you a copy and waiting to see your face when you read that it was all dedicated to you.

i'll tell you about my farm.
the apples i've grown,
the animals i saved and took care of,
never slaughtered.

i'll tell you about how i painted and wrote everyday.
that every room in my house was filled with canvases of everything beautiful you can imagine.
that my drawers were filled with papers and notebooks of poems about everything and nothing.

i'll tell you about the heartbreak.
how the past would creep up on me from time to time.
the boy who took my heart for a little bit before giving it back completely broken.

i'll tell you about my best friends and family.
the way their smiles saved my life over and over again.

i'll tell you about how i made it.
i lived my life and now i'm here,
with you.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
and you.
oh god,
You.

god, the emptiness you gifted me and spoon fed me,
oh how i miss it.
how i miss knowing exactly how i felt,
how i miss how this emotion would fill me up like a water filling a glass.
never warm, always cold.
i dropped pieces of my heart in places that deserved it
and i gave some to people who i wanted to leave behind,
was going to leave behind.
thank you for that emptiness.

i told you about things i haven't even told my closest friend.
we met a few months ago and i told you about my parents,
about jake,
about heather,
about my fears and passions.
you held me close and i wrote you poems,
i wrote you melodies and butterflies that danced in the afternoon sky made me think of you.

but,
it all came crashing down.
slowly then all at once.

i began to eat again.
i haven't told anyone.
no one really noticed anyways.
my hands didn't shake or turn the small packet of goldfish around to see the calories.
i felt okay eating them.
i ate all of it.

getting home,
i feel hungry.
and now,
i eat.
without guilt, without shame.
no small voice in my head tells me how big i am or how disappointed i should be in myself.

i take a deep breath if the voice comes back,
close my eyes and chew.
chew until i feel okay to swallow.

today,
i'm eating.
and tomorrow,
i will again.

in just a small period of time,
you became my muse.
the type of muse that rips the bandaid off of your heart to finally write something,
to write anything.
the type of muse that makes everything hurt when you're alone and when it's just you, your thoughts, and your past.

i kept flying away until you looked like a very small bug beneath me.
i didn't want to deal or feel so i flew.
i kept flying higher and higher,
the more i couldn't breathe, the wider my smile got.
i couldn't hear you screaming my name or the clutter of everybody.
flying,
flying,
flying
flying away.

the rainy day today reminds me of elementary school.
early elementary school where the teacher would read us books about butterflies or trolls guarding a bridge.
this rainy day reminds me of my mother picking me up from school,
resting my head against the window and feel the rain patter on it.
days where i'd have no homework and the best thing to eat on rainy days like these is stew.
the kind where there's carrots and chicken in it.
beautiful.

maybe i'll never understand the darkness behind my eyes
or the reason the universe gave you the life it did.
but maybe that's okay,
i'm learning that it's okay.
it's okay to never fully understand.

i'll never understand the divorce,
the heart break,
the hurt,
the pain,
the way you cried in my arms that one time,
or the way i cried in yours.

but it's okay.

how lucky i was to be loved by you.

i miss the warmth of your hand that rested on my back as the other pointed to the night sky, pointing to your favorite constellations.
i can't stop thinking about that night we were on the swing set and you told me you cared for me.
it was small but it meant everything to me.
drunk on your love, i felt the world spin faster,
as if it was trying to sync itself with my heartbeat.

i remember nervously giggling and feeling the heat run to my face as you touched the collar of my shirt.
how you would try to catch bunnies and how you told me you'd buy me a cat.
you always told me how much i meant to you and mattered
and because of you,
i started to believe it.

oh, how lucky i was to be loved by you.

the moon was raining last night and i wanted to call you.
tell you about this felt better than the rain,
how no other feeling could compare to the moon falling on me.

it felt heavy and weird,
there were times where it would take my breath away,
leaving me gasping for breath
but i thanked it.

thank you moon for raining last night.
i captured every drop and put it in a jar.

you keep flying away,
even when you're sober.

where do you go when you fly away?