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17
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2016
17
I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm not willing to admit I loved you
I think trying to hide the fact
is tearing me apart and you're fine
And you're okay
with seeing me time after time
In the same way
in the same ******* state
And I'll never again look at you
with the same desire
I once held true
Joanna Alexandre May 2016
There’s a world out there,
I am yet to see
Where birds and bugs
Wait patiently.
It’s inhabitants
Don’t hide from the rain
But rather bathe in
Their disdain.
Trees are abundant
And make music; solace
And the animals gather
To hear the sound; flawless.
There is an icy stealth
That settles over
But there are no worries
Ice doesn’t make it colder.
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
My notes are full of conversations I never had

Not with you,



They contain words unspoken and unheard

But definitely felt



I wonder if you knew they were there

I wanted you to



I wonder if you could read them  

On my face



When I’d cry at night next to you

Did you hear?



Did you choose to ignore the hurt

You caused?



Was it easier for you to pretend  

I was the problem?



I wonder if your disillusion caused you  

To see me as happy

  

If you saw my notes you’d know

I wasn’t.

Not even close.
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2016
And I'll never not be sad
About the way the world has turned
From bad to worse
In a matter of moments

And I'll never not be sad
About the way that people
Are able to judge each other
And create a lesser equal

And I'll never not be sad
About my freedom being denied
Because of the way my hips
Make me prey at night

And I'll never not be sad
For the people who can't be
The boys taught emotions are weaknesses
And the homes left empty

And I'll never not want to leave
This horrible place I call home
For my existence is sad and Lonely
Though I am anything but alone
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2022
The blood between my legs

Had you salivating

Like you hadn’t eaten in years

And I was a scotch fillet steak

Cooked medium rare

Seasoned well with salt, pepper and fear

Your favourite dish

Served with a side of underage and innocent

Drizzled with balsamic *******

The kind of meal that forces silence

In a room full of people

Fresh blood dripping on your lips with

Eat bite that you took

A sign of a good piece of meat

A sign of it being well cooked

When you finished you didn’t wipe

The grease across your face

You worn it with pride like it was war paint
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2016
I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever set you free
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2017
The sun is dragged below a sheet of blue
And all I can seem to think of is you
But I'm sat next to an empty space
In the hopes that he can fill your place
But his eyes aren't the blue that I love
And his smile isn't heavenly sent from above
And he doesn't inspire my to be better
So his friends tell him "give up you'll never get her"
And I can't reassure him of how I feel
Because with him I know it's just not real
I can't tell him how each morning I wake up
And think of all the different ways we can make love
Because love isn't what this is; no
So I'm sorry but because of you, I have to let him go
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2016
And I want to hang from the ceiling
My limp body hanging above the ground
My lifeless skin hung tight
But I don't have the energy to move
Don't have the knowledge to tie a noose
And so I'll stay in my bed all night

And I want to slit my wrists
Have blood rushing out from each cut
My skin, blood red
But I don't have the energy to slice
Don't have a sharp enough knife
And so I'll just lay here and wish I were dead

And I want to be hit by a moving car
Have the driver throw me oh so far
My body dragged along the ground
But I don't have the right
Don't have even half of the might
And so I'll wait for my body to be found
Joanna Alexandre Dec 2018
The water that I love holds me tight
and in my heart, ignites
Everything I think I can be
And all the dreams that make me, me.
The cold water then rushes my head
And fills my whole soul with dread
Of who I had always hoped to be
And how that could never really be me.
It runs down my throat
And feeds me the lifeless boat
Of drugs and pills and anti psychotics
It takes me away from my dreams and heroics
But it keeps me from drowning
And it stops me from downing
So I’ll let the water hold me tight
And find safety,
rather than let myself ignite.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year ago and it’s been a constant struggle to find the will to take my medication and let it **** part of me but be safe. I’m still learning how to live with it and coming to terms with the longevity of this mental illness but each day I’m coming more and more to terms with it and how to cope. Thank you all for your support, my poetry has been a huge help and so have all of you.
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
He felt, to me, like Safety
And I want to WANT to feel safe

So I played the part
And he hurt me anyway

How do I trust myself
To choose safety

When the obvious option
Isn’t even safe
For me
Joanna Alexandre Feb 2021
I’ve cried in more dressing rooms
Then I care to admit,
I had the feeling that
It wasn’t the clothes;
It was me that didn’t fit.
But we aren’t supposed to all
Conform to “off the rack” shapes
And grow and skink so that
Our clothes can accommodate.
We are supposed to be
The standard they set.
Our clothes should fit all of us
So that we can feel our best
Don’t let those numbers intimidate you:
You’re the standard to be set.
That’s what the clothing industry
Hasn’t figured out yet.
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
He takes my hand, and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I choose to spend the night
But come morning, when he’s awake
I think of the best excuse I can make
Because coffee tastes better to me alone
And I don’t like to eat except on my own
And I’m scared of having morning breath
So I say goodbye and wish him my best
And I’ve been ripping apart my skin
Trying so **** hard to let him in
But my best intentions just aren’t enough
And he could easily call me on my bluff
But to me, he doesn’t say anything
And to that night, I know he’ll cling
Because he tells me about it when I see him next
And I have to reassure him it’s for the best
But again he takes my hand,
and all feels right
And it’s in his arms I again
Choose to spend the night.
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2021
You looked like a bag of sweet
Gifted to me, an innocent treat
The sky was pink, purple and blue
A cotton candy backdrop behind you
It was as exciting as a summer fair
Us, standing in the middle of nowhere
We felt like kids loose in a candy store
We had something sweet, we wanted more
With you there in that moment, I felt free
The kind of free we all someday hope to be
My cotton candy lover, my summer dream
I promise you’ll always find me on your team
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2021
You looked like a bag of sweet
Gifted to me, an innocent treat
The sky was pink, purple and blue
A cotton candy backdrop behind you
It was as exciting as a summer fair
Us, standing in the middle of nowhere
We felt like kids loose in a candy store
We had something sweet, we wanted more
With you there in that moment, I felt free
The kind of free we all someday hope to be
My cotton candy lover, my summer dream
I promise you’ll always find me on your team
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
He gave me a daisy seed
But no soil to plant it in
And asked me to hold out hope
That it could grow from nothing
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2017
In the place where dead people come to die
I wait to be seen by someone who can't decide
Wether it's worth it to bother with being nice
Or if it's useless in this place where I have come to die
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2023
Death came knocking in the middle of the night
He asked you to join him, death was calm and polite
He had watched you for a while, smiled as you said goodbyes
Death understood the pain and the love behind our cries
He was gentle when he took your hand and led you to the light
Death gave you a shoulder to rest on and he hugged you tight
Death was warm and inviting, he had a familiar face
He opened a door for you that led to an unknown place
Death stayed with you until long after you were gone
He still lets you come and visit in the dusk and in the dawn
Joanna Alexandre Feb 2016
I can draw you pictures of whom I wish to be
But through my own eyes, I can see that's not me
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2022
Consuming useless videos and content
Alone in my room
To distract from the racing and hurtful
Thoughts about you
And it always works for a moment
Or a minute or more
Until the intrusive thoughts come back,
Barging down my door
I put it back up, re-***** the hinges
And shut it
And lay back down to consume more
Mindless content
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
I do,

I’ve held many.

Not for long,

But I kept them warm and  

Sometimes fixed holes

I used mine to patch up the  

Damages I found.

Now mine needs repairing.

Can you hold it for me?

Doesn’t have to be for long.
Joanna Alexandre Nov 2016
I would sooner put a knife to my wrist
Then ever again have to feel like this
I'd slice on, through and through
Until my veins were quite red not blue
I'd drain every single last drop
In hopes that this feeling will stop
But know nothing hurts more than the truth

I would sooner put a noose round my neck
Then to admit that she's correct
Than to admit I'm nothing more
Than those word that chill me to my core
I'd rather be found blue and cold
Then believe the words I'm being told
No I'd rather be found,
hanging;

feet from the ground.
Joanna Alexandre Nov 2022
I love him
For five days out of a fortnight
Sometimes less
We spend more time talking
About how much we miss each other
Than we do making up for the lost time
Our five days every fortnight
Are split between his family and friends
And my work
So we end up with weekends
I love him for two days out of a fortnight
And I miss him for 261 days a year
We spend time more time fighting
About how to spend our time
Than we do spending it together
Our bank accounts are more connected
Than sometimes it feels like we are
I get to love him two days out of a fortnight
The same amount of time spent on that plane
Sitting next to strangers
Working for those two days just the same
I love him for one third of the year
The rest I deal with the pain
Patiently waiting for him to come home
And say that was my last day
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
Holding you I feel the extremities
Of both safe and unsafe
Love and hurt
You provide access to
The most beautiful things
But you also allow the door to open
To the most haunting of things
You’ve bruised me and you’ve cut me
But you’ve also painted me pretty
You’ve gifted me with my most
Attainable desires
And you’ve taken away my most
Prized possessions
I can’t walk anywhere without you
But I miss everywhere I take you
Through your eyes everything’s better
I can erase my most prevalent flaws
And yet I miss the beauty
That belongs to imperfect things
And the uniqueness
Each and every one of us brings
And as much as I long
For a world without you
I can’t seem to let go
Of this phone.
My guilt is starved, and it's begun eating me alive,
A hunger gnawing at the space where my secrets hide.
The sick feeling in my empty stomach grows with time,
As silence weaves its web, and truth begins to die.
The distractions aren’t distracting, they only serve to stall,
But every quiet moment, I feel my conscience crawl.
No peace comes from avoidance, no comfort from a lie,
My guilt is unsatisfied, it craves more than I supply.
It chews through the walls I built, breaks through my disguise,
Exposing every crack where I once thought I'd thrive.
No sleep can soothe its hunger, no rest can clear my mind,
My guilt keeps feasting on the truths I cannot find.
It consumes my every thought, relentless in its quest,
Devouring the parts of me I buried with the rest.
The shadows of my actions cling tighter to my side,
My guilt remains unsatisfied, still eating me alive
My guilt is starved, relentless in its need to thrive,
An insatiable beast, gnawing deeper where I hide.
Each step I take is heavier, weighed down by silent cries,
My shame a constant echo, deafening but shy.
It drips like venom in my veins, it festers in my chest,
A parasite that feeds on every word I leave suppressed.
No matter what I try to give, it’s never satisfied,
My guilt continues gnawing, stripping pieces from my pride.
I try to scream, but nothing comes, the silence swallows whole,
And in the quiet, it devours the fragments of my soul.
Every truth left untold becomes a bitter lie,
My guilt feasts on the broken things I’m too afraid to try.
No corner left untouched, no memory left unscathed,
It rips apart the moments where I thought I had escaped.
I watch as it devours what’s left of peace inside,
My guilt, forever ravenous, keeps eating me alive.
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2023
My guilt is starved and it’s begun eating me alive
This sick feeling in my empty stomach is the lack of truth I can confide
The distractions aren’t distracting from the thoughts inside my mind
My guilt is unsatisfied and it continues eating me alive
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
He played my feelings
like a 12 string guitar
with pinpoint accuracy.

He surprised me
When he struck my strings
For the first time.

Even more so
When he found a song
In my crevasses,

I didn’t know my body
Could sound
So sweet.
Joanna Alexandre Dec 2018
I’m in love with a man
With an unformidable temper
And he loves me
like I’m a punching bag
I’m never prepared when it’s fight night
But I do the best I can
Though he’s Muhammad Ali
And clearly the better man.
Joanna Alexandre Jan 2021
Like I’m home
Somewhere I’ve
Never been
But somewhere
I somehow know
Her
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2021
Her
Her eyes glistened
Not unlike the moon
Or rain drops
When the clouds
Parted and let
The sun through
Her skin felt like
Warm honey
A feeling
You couldn’t
Quite shake
And her lips
Tasted; almost
The same
Her words were
Like ash in the breeze
Effortless and
Memorable
A sound sure
To please
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
He told me I didn’t taste like the first cup of coffee he ever had
That I didn’t make him feel as awake as that first cup did
That I didn’t make his heart beat faster like that first cup did
And I didn’t warm his hands quite like that first cup did

I told him I know,
I didn’t because I’m not the first cup of coffee he ever had
But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t make him feel awake
Or speed up his heart rate

But he’ll never know
Because he’s searching for his first cup of coffee
Not knowing he’s missing the main ingredient
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2021
I saw her on a rainy day when the
Clouds had decided to take a break
She sighed as rain fell on her shoulder
And I stared for just one moment longer
Before she caught me and looked away
I caught myself not knowing what to say
I turned and faced the other way
And heard footsteps getting further astray;
Mine

Why.
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2020
If I could be with you
Just one more time
I wonder if I would see
The pain in your eyes
And if you were here
For just one more night
I wonder if you would
Recognise the love in mine
And I wonder if you were here
For just one more minute
Could we have stopped you
Could it have turned out different
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2021
I don’t want to admit it
But I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for a text or call
Saying you want to come home
But I’m just waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Why don’t you come
Joanna Alexandre Dec 2018
Sometimes I think about how the world would taste
Should I see everything in Pink?
I wonder whether each morning
My coffee would be sweeter
And my mug less boring
Would I wake up earlier than the sun
And in doing housework
Have more fun?
Would skirts feel less out of place
If they matched the blush
I’d put upon my face?
Would I bruise more easily
As rough hands under sheets
Try to find me?
Would I laugh a little softer
And feel better about myself
Standing beside her?
Would my dinners be warmer
And my occupied bed
Feel wider?



I wonder if my world were Pink
Would I be more or less of a woman;
What do you think?
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
I stabbed myself in the heart
and asked you to watch me bleed
but that proved too hard
So your eyes averted
And I was left staring at
Your retreating figure
And I bled out alone
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2020
I understand
But it hurts
I never asked to be everything
I just wanted to be enough
You made me feel like I was
But now you’ve chosen her
And I get it
I would too
She’s beautiful
She doesn’t have to try
She doesn’t care
She’s exciting in all the ways
I’m not
I love her
So I get why you would
Want to love her too
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2016
How can this be
You saying you don't want me
And I'll happily
Agree for us to be everything
But I don't want you to see me
Like this
So I play it off,
Lay it off
Take if off
The layers of my skin peel
To reveal
Me; the utmost form of who I hold true
And you; the utmost form of
"I don't want to use you"
Joanna Alexandre Jun 2020
How do you break up with someone
You were never even dating?
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
When you told me you were seeing someone else,

A familiar sense of curiosity swept over me,

I wondered if it was who I thought  

It would be



I knew, but I could tell myself I didn't know

It was a suspicion with merit, sure

But the confirmation was missing  

Was missing



You made a mistake and told me,

Without really telling me who,

I knew. And now I know

I wish I didn’t
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2016
"I like you"
I wasn't afraid to say
But you didn't like me
And I guess that's okay

There's nothing to be done
And you can't be helped
Because feelings are feelings
And for me, you never felt

So we agree to be friends
But "friends" we do not remain
You ignore my existence
And I ignore the pain
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2021
I hate you
but
I think about you
Sometimes when I’m
Alone in bed
I think about
Your warm embraces
And the words we
Could’ve said


I hate you
but
There’s certain songs
I can’t listen to
Because they were ours
And I remember
All the words
But they don’t sound right
Without you

I hate you
but
I still get the urge to call
And tell you all about
How my days been
And chat away
About everything
And nothing

I hate you
but
I hate that we
Didn’t work more
Because maybe
In another lifetime
Across another shore
We might’ve worked out
You might’ve loved me
more
Than I hate you
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2016
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Does it go up like gas prices do but only on weekdays
Does it have a good exchange rate or is it all the same
Is it worth more at swapmarts when sold to those in pain
Does the cost of love change as you travel state to state
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
I loved how you inspired me
I loved how you wrote poetry
And sung and played guitar
And wore old clothes that
Didn’t look outdated on you
I loved how you always seemed
To be looking beneath the surface
I loved how your hair
Was longer than most
And you always seemed just
A little bit nervous
Even when you weren’t
I loved your passion
For coffee and music and people
I tried really hard
to tell myself I loved you
But I loved what you
represented
And I still do
Joanna Alexandre May 2022
It’s really not about the flowers
They might make me happy
They might look lovely
On the coffee table
When I wake up, or people come over
I might feel proud to say you got them for me
I might stop and smell them in the shop
And dream of them in our home

But it’s not about the flowers
It’s about the small but
significant vow,
It’s a reminder that you think of me too
And more so an idea that you enjoy
Making me happy, its about
Not asking you to get the flowers
Because I wouldn’t ask you to love me
If you didn’t want to

So you see it’s not about the flowers
Joanna Alexandre May 2020
Soft touches that seemed
harmless
A kind gesture that might’ve help in the
darkness
A wide smile from a
familiar face
That said to me “it’s okay,
you’re safe”
But those soft hands
left bruises
And that kind smile turned
abusive
You hurt me, I was
a child
But I’m done with living in
denial
Joanna Alexandre Aug 2020
And stare out the window at all the trees
And I didn’t wonder how the leaves
Were such a deep, rich shade of green
I was just grateful that they could be seen



And that’s when I knew
I should drop my science class
And do English literature instead
Joanna Alexandre Sep 2017
But instead
I laughed, hard like I used to
And your arms felt like the sand and the ocean
And I looked into you're blue eyes, and I appreciate the different shades
Fighting for your attention,
and you're oblivious to the war waging
Your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard
And your heart holds the beat
And I can't get that song out of my head
And I hope you'll never leave my bed
Because your body is so warm you could melt all the icebergs
And I laugh as I blame you for global warming
Becuse beauty like yours
Beauty that beams from within and pierces the skin of all those you meet
Beauty that expands like a black hole when you smile and I melt
Beauty like you consumes me.
Joanna Alexandre Jul 2016
I was a bushfire, lit by the sun;
Ravaging through the foliage
Igniting the masses with a spark
Carried along by the wind

I was the ocean currents;
Creating rips pulling you out
Taking you with me
An irresistible force

I was the cliffs, along the seaside;
Framing the beauty below
Protector of the sacred waters
Daring you to jump in

I was the trees that hold through storms
Giving you shelter; offering safety
Completely one of mine own
Each branch reaching for the sky

I was the violent wind
Pushing you forward, backward
Pushing you to push against me
Or be taken by my ferocity

I was your everything and it hurts
To think you've given up on me
No sun, current, cliff, tree or breeze
Will ever bring you back to me
Joanna Alexandre Apr 2020
I gave you my heart  

But you didn’t realize  

Because piece by piece  

A heart is easy to disguise



But I gave it to you in the strokes

Of my hand on your chest

And in the beating of my heart

When we laid down to rest



I saw the chance and I

Snuck it in through soft kisses

And you didn’t notice but  

I put in in our interlaced fingers



I saw it gather in your eyes

Saw you piece it back together  

I hope you hold onto it tightly

Because you could have my heart forever
Joanna Alexandre Mar 2019
You spat knives
That hit my heart
And you shutting your mouth
Didn’t stop the bleeding
I know I’ve stained your soul
But you’ve left irreparable holes
My heart can’t take this
And your mouth tastes like acid
So you kissed my veins
And my blood turned to poison
It burned through me
And you undressed me
To see the damage
I was naked
Nothing but a broken heart
And scarred skin
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